txsilkysmoothe Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Do you ever hear about your EX and their new GF/BF - how well the relationship is going or how happy they are together? Yuck! It's especially hard to hear when you're not in a relationship. I was in a relationship for two months. It ended in October of last year after he stood me up for the second time. It was rocky from the start, bad first date. But he pursued me, texted every day, sent me poetry, quite attentive I thought. He told me he wanted to pursue a relationship and asked me to be his gf. I broke it off after the first time he stood me up. He started forwarding "joke" emails (saying nothing in the emails) and I replied telling him to stop. That prompted him to ask for a second chance. I asked for an explanation of why he stood me up and he told me he was an "idiot" and that I scared him. I asked what that meant. He said "do we have to talk about it now?" I told him "no" thinking we would talk about it later but neither of us mentioned it again. I did tell him if he ever stood me up again that I would block his phone number and he was to never contact me. Everything was fine until I noticed his profile was still on Match. We had met via Match. I really didn't think it meant anything but sent him a text asking why he still had his profile up. He replied saying that he was driving back to the city and was sorry but he couldn't talk until he got home because he had other people in the car. It was late so I didn't expect to hear from him that night. I didn't hear from him the next day either. I thought it must be over and I should just let it go. But when my plans for the next evening fell through, I decided to talk to him and get answers. He said he was about to have dinner with his parents and would come over after. It got late and I realized he wasn't coming. At 1 a.m. he sent me a text saying he was sorry, he had sat down to watch T.V., fallen asleep, and had just woke up. That is all he said! I didn't reply. He didn't text again or call. After that his Match profile disappeared, he again started forwarding "joke" emails to me, but never said anything. That lasted for a few weeks. He mailed me an invitation to his company's seminar but I didn't acknowledge it. I feel like he was trying to get me to contact him. It seems he was incapable of communicating and couldn't deal with conflict. Since the break up, I've dated but haven't met anyone with whom I want to get involved. He, on the other hand, has been in a relationship for at least the last six months. I can't help but think it must be a good relationship if it's lasted 3 times as long as he and I did. Surely, he hasn't stood her up. I saw a pic of them. She is beautiful and the opposite of me - light complexion, long blonde hair, blue eyes. They looked happy. His ex-wife was blonde also, so it's like I'm not even his type. (Typing this out, I'm getting the idea that he wasn't that interested in me - I had only slightly entertained that possibility) I find myself reconsidering whether "being stood up" is a deal breaker. Is it for you? Had I been understanding about it, would our relationship have worked out? Or would he have stood me up a third time? Is he putting more effort into their relationship and if so, why wasn't he willing to do that with me? Did I "prep" him for her - did he learn from his mistakes with me and not repeat them with her? Can anyone relate?
123BeachFan Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have the same sort of policy on getting stood up. If that happens early in the dating process with a guy, he gets cut, no 2nd chances. An occasional scheduling snafu is forgiven in an established relationship, but only when its not a habitual pattern on their part. Do yourself a huge favor and avoid obtaining any information/communication from him (and his new GF). It will only drive you nuts. So if you have him as your friend on FB, quietly cut him loose. Now, it was probably a case of the new GF being a better match for him. This doesn't mean she's a better person, or a better catch. Just, she probably fits him better. And that's okay. He sounds like a flake. But yeah, if a guy stands you up, if he's still surfing on the online dating sites when he's dating you, and if he's completely ambiguous on his intentions and drives you crazy as a result...he's just not that into you.
Author txsilkysmoothe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Yes I need to focus on his negatives - Mid 40's and has lived with parents the majority of his life Hangs out with parents regularly too Married 3 times (all short term) Dips tobacco (hid this from me until very end of our relationship) It's just hard to realize you misread someone when you thought you were being careful and had your eyes wide open.
Serenitynow Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 It was rocky from the start, bad first date. red flag But he pursued me This absolutely drives NUTS according to most women, If I become borderline stalker then I will get a gf ? I know so many guys that are married, and they got that way by practically stalking the girls into a relationship and the girls think "its cute" I broke it off after the first time he stood me up. He started forwarding "joke" emails (saying nothing in the emails) and I replied telling him to stop. A mature respectful guy would have stopped, but this guy keeps goin and gets a relationship out of it. amazing I asked what that meant. He said "do we have to talk about it now?" I told him "no" thinking we would talk about it later but neither of us mentioned it again. Absolutely hilarious that how this guy worked you over, and you really think your eyes were open ?
amerikajin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Yes I need to focus on his negatives - Mid 40's and has lived with parents the majority of his life Hangs out with parents regularly too Married 3 times (all short term) Dips tobacco (hid this from me until very end of our relationship) It's just hard to realize you misread someone when you thought you were being careful and had your eyes wide open. I think this is an ego thing. You're not really upset at losing this schmuck, you're bent because someone would actually do that to you. Unfortunately, this stuff happens. Sounds like you're going after characters without vetting their personalities to see if they're decent. Are you into bad boys?
Serenitynow Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Are you into bad boys? Of course she is ! Would any sane women put up with what this guy did ? If a guy treated her with respect and maturity, he never woulda got past the first date with her.
sally4sara Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I've dealt with this from the other side of the dynamic where a couple of my husband's exGFs got really salty about how I've been treated in comparison. I think it stands to reason that for every relationship you have and screw up, you can learn from the screw up and do better or differently with the next person you meet. It is not really a reflection of the previous person's worth, but rather a reflection of the person who screwed up maturing with each lesson learned. He was on a dating site? I'm sure you are not the only fumble he experienced. A person flubbing it at making a connection doesn't need to continue to flub it forever.
Author txsilkysmoothe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I think this is an ego thing. You're not really upset at losing this schmuck, you're bent because someone would actually do that to you. Unfortunately, this stuff happens. Sounds like you're going after characters without vetting their personalities to see if they're decent. Are you into bad boys? It's not an ego thing. But it is hurtful when you let your guard down and get burned for doing so; and yes, it was the first time anyone stood me up. No I'm not into bad boys and didn't think of him as one. Maybe I can't identify a bad boy. In many ways he seemed decent and I attributed some of his behavior to a fear of a relationship. I, myself, have had trouble opening up and taking a risk on someone and I do or say stupid things to mess it up. I thought he might be that way. I have a lot to learn still. I don't deny that. Give me a break, I've only been dating for 18 months. Prior to that I hadn't dated since 1997. thank you
Author txsilkysmoothe Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I've dealt with this from the other side of the dynamic where a couple of my husband's exGFs got really salty about how I've been treated in comparison. I think it stands to reason that for every relationship you have and screw up, you can learn from the screw up and do better or differently with the next person you meet. It is not really a reflection of the previous person's worth, but rather a reflection of the person who screwed up maturing with each lesson learned. He was on a dating site? I'm sure you are not the only fumble he experienced. A person flubbing it at making a connection doesn't need to continue to flub it forever. Thank you, well stated, good points.
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