Serenitynow Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Many women say they like the "chase" aspect of dating Many women say they get turned off by a guy that seems too available Once again the line is blurred. I'd like to hear the ladies explain the difference between the two. And no I dont want to know what YOU enjoy, or what YOU prefer. I want you to EXPLAIN the difference between having a guy "chase / pursue" vs the guy being too available.
DanielMadr Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 One is an act of desperate boy and the second is an act of interested man who takes no shyt from anyone. For YOU is important to find your motivation for your behavior. Girls will just tell you the symptoms. Even if you get rid of the symptoms it does not mean the illness is not still there. - not talking about you personally, in general.
Author Serenitynow Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 As expected, a guy answers it , with the women avoiding it.
brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have no answer to give other than if its a chase and she's interested, she will probably be encouraging you, like responding to text messages, hanging out sometimes or chatting. If she isn't, she will ignore your texts and calls, but might still ask a favor or two if she needs it.
crimsonmike Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 As expected, a guy answers it , with the women avoiding it. Sure would be nice to get a woman's answer to this. We ALL would love to hear it.
kassy Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 If she's really into you, then it's a chase, and if she's not you come across as desperate. She'll let you know pretty early on as brainygirl said by her responses. Also if a guy has his own life sorted and is happy with himself, doesn't need you, but wants you it likely to come across more as a chase... if a guy is needy then it is more likely to come across as desperate. Just my 2 cents, I can't speak for all women - or any others except myself. 1
brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 If she's really into you, then it's a chase, and if she's not you come across as desperate. She'll let you know pretty early on as brainygirl said by her responses. Also if a guy has his own life sorted and is happy with himself, doesn't need you, but wants you it likely to come across more as a chase... if a guy is needy then it is more likely to come across as desperate. Just my 2 cents, I can't speak for all women - or any others except myself. That's true, it sounds counter intuitive, but when it seems like he has nothign to do but send you text messages its a turn off. When he's got this or that to do, but makes a little time or effort to spend some time with you its flattering.
Author Serenitynow Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Why do I have to lie about my itinerary to date a girl ? I go to work, I come home and thats it. On the weekends I take my car drag racing or sometimes to a car show. Why do I have to "pretend" to be too busy for her ? If you both LIKE each other, WHY do you have to PRETEND to not be that interested ? Our society is totally screwed up and all the people that follow these "unwritten rules" just make it worse 1
brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Why do I have to lie about my itinerary to date a girl ? I go to work, I come home and thats it. On the weekends I take my car drag racing or sometimes to a car show. Why do I have to "pretend" to be too busy for her ? If you both LIKE each other, WHY do you have to PRETEND to not be that interested ? Our society is totally screwed up and all the people that follow these "unwritten rules" just make it worse I don't mean pretend to be too busy, but lets say you are interested in a woman. Would you drop all interest in drag racing in order to have your weekend free, just in case she wants to hang out? No, a reasonable person would say, I'm busy with my car club between X and Y, but we can get together at Z. That's pursuing, the first is making yourself a door mat.
kassy Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am not suggesting anyone pretend to be busy when they aren't and not see someone they are interested in. Personally, I actually want them to have a life, all of their own, that they enjoy which involves things other than sitting around hanging out. It's not how everyone lives their life... but how I do, and how I would like anyone else I was dating to live. 1
DanielMadr Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) Why do I have to lie about my itinerary to date a girl ? I go to work, I come home and thats it. On the weekends I take my car drag racing or sometimes to a car show. Why do I have to "pretend" to be too busy for her ? If you both LIKE each other, WHY do you have to PRETEND to not be that interested ? Our society is totally screwed up and all the people that follow these "unwritten rules" just make it worse I'm sorry...a guy again...but you have to admit the advice girls gave (they nailed it especially kassy) are no different from mine You don't pretend you are busy. You don't like each other....you have to build it. You seeing a hot girl and going gaga...being too available is a sign you don't have your shyt together. What sane guy would give all his attention or balls so to speak to a girl he barely knows. If you have other prospects in mind or when you know you could have...you don't spend all day wondering if she loves you....and it signals to her that you are valuable. Don't fake it. Just don't seek for self validation from women. They are not that strong, they can't take care of you since you give them your heart on silver plate - that responsibility scares them. Edited June 2, 2010 by DanielMadr 1
daphne Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I would say early on you have to really slow down the tempo and not give too much of yourself. You're in the getting to know you stage and anything can go wrong in the early phase. Since you seem a little intense, I'd suggest you mirror the interest level of the woman so as not to appear to eager. When you sense that she's interested in spending more time with you, move forward. Don't try to force it early. In my recent experience, that can really cause a jam. Also, I'd suggest you not take it terribly personally. It's a learning experience and if you want to improve, you need to have a little more of a relaxed outlook I think.
Bogo123 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 This exact thing is happening with me right now. Uppin for some more female opinions?
TuesGirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 As mentioned before I can only speak from my own preference. If I like a guy, I like to think that I make it clear to him (i.e. returning messages, calls, always saying how much fun I had hanging out with him. etc). That being said, if the guy knows that i am interested, and likes me back, then I don't see any need for 'pretend silence'. I'd be psyched if the guy I just had two dates with this week would send me an email or text each day and be more forthright in making future plans. He isn't, bc I think he's too nervous about what he's 'supposed' to do. I'm pretty sure he's into me, and I've let it be known that I think he's pretty awesome too, but here I am...waiting...ugh. Now, on the other hand, if I'm not into a guy, and he keeps up the emails, texts, whatever, then I am annoyed. I don't think I look at is so much as the guy being desperate, but more annoyed with the fact that he can't figure it out that I am not that into him. I.e I don't reply, I treat him in a platonic manner, etc. As for me chasing a guy, well, I don't mind if it's 50/50. He has to chase me the same amount that I chase him. I get too fed up if I am the only one doing the chasing. I do think this dynamic does change with age though. I am 33, and people I meet at this age are just kind of over the game to a certain extent. It's kinda like, "hmm, you like me, I like you, awesome. Let's hang out." I know that when I was younger I would definitely chase a lot more than I am willing to do so today. Today I just chalk it up and say, "well we weren't meant to be if I have to chase this much". Maybe I'm just getting lazy in my old age I'm sure this answer is vague as hell, but it's the best I could do 1
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 The Chase: Guy asks me, "I'd like to take you to dinner at Valentino on Saturday." The Too-Available Guy: "Would you like to go to dinner?" Me: "Sure. When were you thinking?" TAG: "I'm available all week, just tell me what works best for you."
Bogo123 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 The Chase: Guy asks me, "I'd like to take you to dinner at Valentino on Saturday." The Too-Available Guy: "Would you like to go to dinner?" Me: "Sure. When were you thinking?" TAG: "I'm available all week, just tell me what works best for you." So is asking her "what day are you free" a sign of being too available? It just sounds more considerate than "lets meet saturday".
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 So is asking her "what day are you free" a sign of being too available? It just sounds more considerate than "lets meet saturday". It doesn't sound TOO available, but if he jumps at whatever day she has available, she'll wonder if he's too available. Does that make sense. Another option would be to suggest more than one day. The key is to make it clear that you're very interested, but have other things going on in your life such that you're not just keeping your whole life open in the off chance she has an opening. 1
stillafool Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I have no answer to give other than if its a chase and she's interested, she will probably be encouraging you, like responding to text messages, hanging out sometimes or chatting. If she isn't, she will ignore your texts and calls, but might still ask a favor or two if she needs it. I agree. If a woman is interested in a man she likes him to be available. By chasing or pursuing it is usually done in the beginning and this means calling her and making plans. It doesn't mean continue to pursue when it is clear she does not like you romantically.
crfsti Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 It should be like what TuesGirl wrote: "i like you, you seem to like me....let's hangout!" I think today's "dating games" are so stupid, there's no need for all this beating around the bush bs....it's just causes more stress, which no one needs.
MisUnderstanding Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Why do people need to play all these dating games? It doesn't take much to say "hey, I do have a ton of free time, but I don't want to spend it all with you because sometimes I want to spend time by myself doing the stuff I like". But honesty isn't something people dig nowadays apparently.
bac Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) Many women say they like the "chase" aspect of dating Many women say they get turned off by a guy that seems too available Once again the line is blurred. I'd like to hear the ladies explain the difference between the two. And no I dont want to know what YOU enjoy, or what YOU prefer. I want you to EXPLAIN the difference between having a guy "chase / pursue" vs the guy being too available. IMO, a man should chase at the begining of dating which simply means he should take all initiative. If she rejects a man and it is upfront, a man should stop to chase. At the begining of dating, it is best to be available all the time, because you do not have rapport yet and there might be misunderstanding. There is no point in chasing or being too available when you are in a relationship because you have rapport. Chasing in a relationship means that a guy wants to put emotional pressure on a girl to control her life. You can not be too available unless you force a girl to spend time with you when she is busy or blame her for being unavailable. Edited July 26, 2010 by bac
TuesGirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I like the previous posts. It's definitely all in the wording. Be affirmative, not asking-permission-like. It's a trick that I've learned as a teacher. Don't ASK the students to behave, TELL them to behave. You get a whole other reaction So the example of "let's get dinner on Saturday" is much more enticing than..."blah, blah, blah, which night are you free?" I mean, seriously, if I already have plans for Saturday, but still want to see you, my reply will be "eh, I can't on saturday, buuuuut I'm free, blah, blah, blah..." and then you make plans!
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 So the example of "let's get dinner on Saturday" is much more enticing than..."blah, blah, blah, which night are you free?" I mean, seriously, if I already have plans for Saturday, but still want to see you, my reply will be "eh, I can't on saturday, buuuuut I'm free, blah, blah, blah..." and then you make plans! A very good point. I don't mind some collaboration personally (a guy giving a few different dates, asking about my life/schedule, etc, in natural ways), but having an actual day or even plan of what to do can help guys who are a little less naturally successful/confident, I think. Certainly can't hurt!
Bogo123 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 How about texting "lets get dinner saturday at 7" or something like that. Is texting for a date an ok approach considering you've been on a couple dates already?
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 How about texting "lets get dinner saturday at 7" or something like that. Is texting for a date an ok approach considering you've been on a couple dates already? Depends on the girl. I don't like it, terribly. (I wouldn't turn a guy I liked down because of it.) Plenty of people text for dates. If you text with the person regularly, I wouldn't see why it's a problem.
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