SavannahSmiles Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 ok, whatever you say! OP - If you're still around - Ignore the ones who don't bother to read your posts. In the future people, if you want to go off on someone on LS, make sure you read their posts - especially when you're going to call them a name or accuse them of doing something they haven't done. Common sense.
MizFit Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I can understand your comments Mizfit, but I think your most recent experience is of being the OW. When you were a BS, many years ago, you didn't consider reconciliation at all, as far as I can see; maybe you knew the problems that led to the A were real & not able to be fixed. That doesn't mean that want2be can't work on marriage repair without revealing the A. When I first found out about my wife's A, I told her she was right to tell me. But six weeks in, it still hurts so much, I wish I didn't know, and she'd just turned her life around to focus on me of her own accord. I think I know that wouldn't have happened, so there was no way forward without revealing all in our individual case. I'll warn you now though want2begood - your H will suffer pain like he's never known. Hopefully for your H, an EM does not quite affect a BS in quite the same way as a PA & EM combined, at least he won't have images of the two of you in bed together. I understand the logic of 'getting away with it', and the increased likelihood of a recurrence when things get rocky some years down the line, but my vote still goes for don't tell. I was at work and thinking about this thread today...I remembered I hadn't responded to this bit. Sorry! Better late than never? Bolded...I ended the marriage because he cheated on me. There was not an excuse or reason in the world it would have been 'ok'. If I had stayed with him I would never have trusted him...it would have been dead in my heart. I do have a black and white view of someone cheating on me...my views on the OP here have no bearing on my experiences as a BS or an OW. They have to do with lying to someone and allowing them to live their life in complete ignorance when they are bopping along feeling good about things etc. The only thing that would have been worse than having my H cheat on me would have been to find out after years that he'd cheated and then not bothered to tell me about it. I have to take your word for it that some people would not be incensed by that... I would implore the OP to come back and discuss the situation rather than just get defensive and storming out. I could almost feel the door slam behind her.
MizFit Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I respectfully disagree with you. Since I decided to do what is right, it's all about H, not me. I already have relief in knowing I did the right thing. I know that some agree with me and some don't. No matter what you believe, it is possible to gain a new respect for your H after going through a rough time. Because of what I did, I learned how to respect and love my H as I should. I didn't say I've always respected him, but I do now. I think I've said enough and don't have much more to add. I simply came back here to encourage those in NC because I am at peace and so happy I decided to stick with NC, not for opinions that my decision was wrong. I'm sorry my original post didn't clarify that. Let me start by saying...Grandus, you were totally out of line and I hope OP has reported you. You're a new poster here and that's not the way to start things out. OP...I'm thrilled you're doing so well in NC. I am over the moon you stopped yourself and that you've gained a whole new vision of things. Having said that it doesn't change the fact I feel you're being tremendously selfish. You get to know what happened and heal and move on. He just innocently plods on. What will happen when he finds out. He will have a wife that cheated on him and that thought so little of him she didn't think he should know the truth. You've talked yourself into thinking you've done this for the right reasons, but how would you feel in 10 years when he finds out about this A...he confronts you...you talk about it and he turns to you and says...I did it as well. How would you feel then? You may feel you're on a level playing field, but go beyond it and to how your heart will ache that he had the A...then he chose to keep it from you. End of the day the choice is yours and I hope it works out for you. If it doesn't...come back in and say hi. I still don't believe the chatter about all of the respect etc you have for him. To me it can't be there if you don't respect him enough to come clean about the A. Good luck though...
Tommy's Girl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Let me start by saying...Grandus, you were totally out of line and I hope OP has reported you. You're a new poster here and that's not the way to start things out. OP...I'm thrilled you're doing so well in NC. I am over the moon you stopped yourself and that you've gained a whole new vision of things. Having said that it doesn't change the fact I feel you're being tremendously selfish. You get to know what happened and heal and move on. He just innocently plods on. What will happen when he finds out. He will have a wife that cheated on him and that thought so little of him she didn't think he should know the truth. You've talked yourself into thinking you've done this for the right reasons, but how would you feel in 10 years when he finds out about this A...he confronts you...you talk about it and he turns to you and says...I did it as well. How would you feel then? You may feel you're on a level playing field, but go beyond it and to how your heart will ache that he had the A...then he chose to keep it from you. End of the day the choice is yours and I hope it works out for you. If it doesn't...come back in and say hi. I still don't believe the chatter about all of the respect etc you have for him. To me it can't be there if you don't respect him enough to come clean about the A. Good luck though... 10 years from now do you really think her H would care if she chatted with a guy online and phone for 2 months?! According to her posts she was never even alone with the dude. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill personally.
whatcanidonow2 Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 For crying out loud everyone, all the OPster seems to have "confessed to" is having strong feelings for OM. She has kept these feelings under control, the two people never been alone together. Realising how the situation could have escalated out of control, she's broken contact with the OM & realises how she needs to work on her marriage. Well, compared with what most of us on this forum have been through, this comes across as pretty small beer, and shows a certain degree of self control from the OP. I think many people are blowing this out of proportion.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I was at work and thinking about this thread today...I remembered I hadn't responded to this bit. Sorry! Better late than never? Bolded...I ended the marriage because he cheated on me. There was not an excuse or reason in the world it would have been 'ok'. If I had stayed with him I would never have trusted him...it would have been dead in my heart. I do have a black and white view of someone cheating on me...my views on the OP here have no bearing on my experiences as a BS or an OW. They have to do with lying to someone and allowing them to live their life in complete ignorance when they are bopping along feeling good about things etc. The only thing that would have been worse than having my H cheat on me would have been to find out after years that he'd cheated and then not bothered to tell me about it. I have to take your word for it that some people would not be incensed by that... I would implore the OP to come back and discuss the situation rather than just get defensive and storming out. I could almost feel the door slam behind her. I would have "stormed out" long before now. I think she left in a civil way. She probably realized that she can't please everyone, and no matter how many time you say she's wrong, she doesn't see it that way. What's the point in beating a dead horse as she put it? You see it one way, she sees it another. You think she's selfish. She doesn't. I think she made a valid point that her original post was not seeking opinions or advice. If her marriage survives another 10 years, I agree with TG, 2 months of fantasy OM might not mean a whole lot to H compared to a full blown PA or longer EA. If it does, that's the risk she takes. We all take a risk - when we tell and when we don't.
bittersweet memories Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 (edited) If you bothered to read my posts you'd know I never banged another man. I truly feel sorry for you. You are clueless. The truth has set me free. I know where my priorities are now. So I won't beat this dead horse anymore. I simply posted again to encourage others that are going through NC. Sorry you didn't get that. Don't listen to the negative post.. nobody is ever happy here geez. I'm glad you went NC with MM and you are working on your Marriag. I don't agree to always let SO know of affair unless it's ongoing. You decided to end it..cheers to you!! Let's give this poster some credit..seems like many others envy that she was able to do it while others are still struggling so they are giving her a hard time..wth!! Edited June 3, 2010 by bittersweet memories
Tommy's Girl Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Don't listen to the negative post.. nobody is ever happy here geez. I'm glad you went NC with MM and you are working on your Marriag. I don't agree to always let SO know of affair unless it's ongoing. You decided to end it..cheers to you!! Let's give this poster some credit..seems like many others envy that she was able to do it while others are still struggling so they are giving her a hard time..wth!! You hit the nail on the head! Clear as day to me.
JRoy Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 My two cents, for what its worth, as a H, I would want to know the truth. I am not in your shoes. I am just an 'average' married man. Maybe 'truth' to a man is different than it is to a woman. I am still trying to figure that one out. :-)
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