Update

[want2begood]

It's been a few weeks since I posted and I thought I might not post again, but I just wanted encourage those who are going through NC. I still think I made the best decision ever by starting NC with OM - although it was only an EA. I also think I made the best decision (in my case) by not telling my H. Since my contact with OM was limited before, I was working up a huge fantasy in my mind. It was simply a fantasy that I knew I had to end. I wanted to see if I could do it by myself and I succeeded. I hardly think about OM, and when I do it's only briefly followed by the admiration I have for H. NC will clear your head. It's cleared mine. I have a new love for H, I don't need any other man to make me happy, and I look forward to everyday knowing that I'm not on a rollercoaster ride and going behind H's back. There is such freedom in being true to yourself and your H. I have been able to spend much more time with H. We have been able to discuss problems that I didn't want to discuss before. Oh how much respect I have for H. I don't even know what I was thinking before.

[MizFit]

It's been a few weeks since I posted and I thought I might not post again, but I just wanted encourage those who are going through NC. I still think I made the best decision ever by starting NC with OM - although it was only an EA. I also think I made the best decision (in my case) by not telling my H. Since my contact with OM was limited before, I was working up a huge fantasy in my mind. It was simply a fantasy that I knew I had to end. I wanted to see if I could do it by myself and I succeeded. I hardly think about OM, and when I do it's only briefly followed by the admiration I have for H. NC will clear your head. It's cleared mine. I have a new love for H, I don't need any other man to make me happy, and I look forward to everyday knowing that I'm not on a rollercoaster ride and going behind H's back. There is such freedom in being true to yourself and your H. I have been able to spend much more time with H. We have been able to discuss problems that I didn't want to discuss before. Oh how much respect I have for H. I don't even know what I was thinking before.

 

Sorry to rain on your parade, but you haven't been true to your H. As a matter of fact I think you're new attitude is based on the fact you made a clean getaway. You say you have all of this respect for him...inot enough to tell him the truth though. Wonder how much respect he'd feel for you iff he were given the opportunnity to really see you. He deserves more than you're giving him...it's still a lie...

[whatcanidonow2]

Misfit,

 

My wife revealed a six month PA to me six weeks ago. She had no further 'passion' after that, but met him a couple of times / text / call, and finally went NC a week ago when she knew herself that the A was a fantasy & she wanted to work & save our marriage.

 

I wish she could have ended the A herself without my knowing it had ever happened, but it took exposure to real life to help her see the false life that it was. Want2begood appears to have done that for herself, and all credit. Yes, you'll be carrying around a dirty secret for the rest of your life, but if you are really able to commit to your H, I'd say DON'T TELL. It's a hell of a shock to find out about the deceit & your H may not get over it.

 

Good luck.

[JustJoe]

OP, I'm sorry , but I have to agree with Mizfit. Your Euphoria is due, not to any new-found love and respect for your H, but to the fact that you didn't get caught. Her point is very valid, where would your respect and love be, if H knew? Because you "got away with it", you are way more likely to do it again, if and when you and your H run into some of the inevitable problems in marriage. You haven't addressed the cheating issue , at all, but just swept it under the rug. Well, at some point in time, he will notice the bump under the rug, and then what will you do?

[MizFit]

Misfit,

 

My wife revealed a six month PA to me six weeks ago. She had no further 'passion' after that, but met him a couple of times / text / call, and finally went NC a week ago when she knew herself that the A was a fantasy & she wanted to work & save our marriage.

 

I wish she could have ended the A herself without my knowing it had ever happened, but it took exposure to real life to help her see the false life that it was. Want2begood appears to have done that for herself, and all credit. Yes, you'll be carrying around a dirty secret for the rest of your life, but if you are really able to commit to your H, I'd say DON'T TELL. It's a hell of a shock to find out about the deceit & your H may not get over it.

 

Good luck.

 

I respectfully disagree...I went through the pain and trauma of being a BS many years ago. The only situation that would have made it worse would have been to have had the man I adored let me live in ignorance because he was so cowardly he couldn't tell me the truth...it would have been a life of lies and he would have been the only person responsible for it. Ok...maybe one other thing could have made even that worse-going onto a forum and espousing his love and affection and respect he had for me. To me the marriage would have been as meaningless as the words.

[JustJoe]

BTW, your expressions of "admiration ", and "respect", for your H, ring very hollow.

[MizFit]

BTW, your expressions of "admiration ", and "respect", for your H, ring very hollow.

 

Agreed Joe...unfortunately the marriage, in my opinion, reflects that hollowness...

[whatcanidonow2]

I can understand your comments Mizfit, but I think your most recent experience is of being the OW. When you were a BS, many years ago, you didn't consider reconciliation at all, as far as I can see; maybe you knew the problems that led to the A were real & not able to be fixed. That doesn't mean that want2be can't work on marriage repair without revealing the A. When I first found out about my wife's A, I told her she was right to tell me. But six weeks in, it still hurts so much, I wish I didn't know, and she'd just turned her life around to focus on me of her own accord. I think I know that wouldn't have happened, so there was no way forward without revealing all in our individual case.

 

I'll warn you now though want2begood - your H will suffer pain like he's never known. Hopefully for your H, an EM does not quite affect a BS in quite the same way as a PA & EM combined, at least he won't have images of the two of you in bed together.

 

I understand the logic of 'getting away with it', and the increased likelihood of a recurrence when things get rocky some years down the line, but my vote still goes for don't tell.

[reservoirdog1]

Misfit,

 

My wife revealed a six month PA to me six weeks ago. She had no further 'passion' after that, but met him a couple of times / text / call, and finally went NC a week ago when she knew herself that the A was a fantasy & she wanted to work & save our marriage.

 

I wish she could have ended the A herself without my knowing it had ever happened, but it took exposure to real life to help her see the false life that it was. Want2begood appears to have done that for herself, and all credit. Yes, you'll be carrying around a dirty secret for the rest of your life, but if you are really able to commit to your H, I'd say DON'T TELL. It's a hell of a shock to find out about the deceit & your H may not get over it.

 

Good luck.

This is just my opinion, but I went through the same thing, except that there were multiple PAs on XW's part. She came clean and said she wanted a divorce. Knowing the full extent of things (i.e. it was more than just "I'm not happy in this marriage anymore") was very important, because it put in very stark terms exactly what I was dealing with.

 

The other point is that secrets have a habit of becoming known. Either the OP tries to re-ignite things and cause trouble, or people start gossiping, or the cheating spouse finds they can't handle the guilt and decides to come clean, months or years later. When that happened to me, XW had been cheating since just before the wedding seven years earlier. I felt, and still feel (though it doesn't bug me anymore), that the marriage was basically a fraud.

 

I had a right to know the truth, because it effected my life as well. In your case, by not coming clean, you're making decisions about your H's life that you have no right to make. One of those is that he's secretly been put at risk for potentially deadly STDs, without even having a say in the matter. He deserves to know the truth, and make decisions about HIS LIFE armed with all the information.

 

I hope you'll do the right thing.

[rewe4reel]

I hardly think about OM

 

You just did.

[MizFit]

I can understand your comments Mizfit, but I think your most recent experience is of being the OW. When you were a BS, many years ago, you didn't consider reconciliation at all, as far as I can see; maybe you knew the problems that led to the A were real & not able to be fixed. That doesn't mean that want2be can't work on marriage repair without revealing the A. When I first found out about my wife's A, I told her she was right to tell me. But six weeks in, it still hurts so much, I wish I didn't know, and she'd just turned her life around to focus on me of her own accord. I think I know that wouldn't have happened, so there was no way forward without revealing all in our individual case.

 

I'll warn you now though want2begood - your H will suffer pain like he's never known. Hopefully for your H, an EM does not quite affect a BS in quite the same way as a PA & EM combined, at least he won't have images of the two of you in bed together.

 

I understand the logic of 'getting away with it', and the increased likelihood of a recurrence when things get rocky some years down the line, but my vote still goes for don't tell.

 

I understand exactly what you're saying...ignorance is bliss. I agree that at the moment it probably feels that way, but what if she had kept it to herself and as another poster said it comes to the surface and you find out she's kept this horrible secret from you for so very long. I'm sorry...I'm one who prefers the bandaid to be ripped off in one fell swoop and as soon as humanly possible.

 

This is another of the polarizing aspects of As...

 

The one thing I won't even remotely let the OP get away with is how much she respects and admires her H...he's just ignorantly gone on his life and shes dancing around with a huge, false feeling of accomplishment.

 

I don't necessarily think she'll do it again...I think a lot of people have an affair and if they get through it they don't repeat the mistake. I just think it's not appropriate to be extolling the virtues of how she respects him when she has the power to destroy him with one misplaced word...one horrible secret.

 

Everyone does things for their own reasons...I just hope she's thought clearly about what the future may hold for her if he finds out. She'll have gotten over everything and life will have breezed along...then all of a sudden he finds out and he has to go through the agonizing acceptance (or not) of his wife having an affair that she has processed and put behind her. Not really an equal or fair footing...

 

My 2p...

[reservoirdog1]

Another point is this.

 

OP, what your H doesn't know right now is that he is married to somebody who, when she's feeling dissatisfied in her marriage, has it in her to go and fyck another man.

 

It's wonderful that you believe you have newfound respect and love for your husband. But marriages have ups and downs. What's to stop you from finding another OM, or going back to the now-XOM, the next time you're dissatisfied in your marriage? You've already tasted the forbidden fruit. And it'll be easier for you to justify to yourself next time. After all, you're already a cheater; it's not like you can be "more" of a cheater.

 

It's all well and good if you believe you won't cheat again. But again, you're the only one who can say that. The evidence is clearly there that you're capable of it.

 

And your husband deserves to know that, and make his own decision about whether or not he's willing to run the risk of staying with you, knowing what you've done and could do again.

[want2begood]

I think a lot of you are judging my marriage unfairly. First off, I have not had a physical relationship with the OM so STD check isn't necessary. This was strictly a short term EA. I never even saw him but a couple of times and we've never been alone together. Most of our contact was online and on the phone for 2 months! I am proud of myself for getting through and see no reason to bring up stuff that isn't relevant in my life anymore. If you think my words are hollow, that's your opinion but you don't live my life. You don't know the difference in my M since NC. I had put 100% of myself into this M and H notices it. I honestly don't understand the negative reaction to something good that's happened. I'm more transparent with H than ever before. I'm proud that I didn't let an EA escalate into a PA. I'm glad I realized I don't want anyone else. It's pretty pointless to post here if I'm being judged by people who don't even know me. BTW, there will always be a difference in opinion in what circumstances to tell a BS about any type of A but it depends on the individual circumstance. If I thought I had a problem that wasn't under control, of course I would tell my H. I stated that in another post. If I put him at risk of STDs, of course I'd tell him. If I had sex with another man he would deserve to know. My situation was not like. I more or less became friends with a man that I don't know. I feared getting deeper so I quit. The truth is - whether you believe or not - I learned from my mistake and have become a better wife because of it. Let me decide what's best for my situation and you decide what's best for yours.

Edited June 2, 2010 by want2begood

[MizFit]

I think a lot of you are judging my marriage unfairly. First off, I have not had a physical relationship with the OM so STD check isn't necessary. This was strictly a short term EA. I never even saw him but a couple of times and we've never been alone together. Most of our contact was online and on the phone for 2 months! I am proud of myself for getting through and see no reason to bring up stuff that isn't relevant in my life anymore. If you think my words are hollow, that's your opinion but you don't live my life. You don't know the difference in my M since NC. I had put 100% of myself into this M and H notices it. I honestly don't understand the negative reaction to something good that's happened. I'm more transparent with H than ever before. I'm proud that I didn't let an EA escalate into a PA. I'm glad I realized I don't want anyone else. It's pretty pointless to post here if I'm being judged by people who don't even know me. BTW, there will always be a difference in opinion in what circumstances to tell a BS about any type of A but it depends on the individual circumstance. If I thought I had a problem that wasn't under control, of course I would tell my H. I stated that in another post. If I put him at risk of STDs, of course I'd tell him. If I had sex with another man he would deserve to know. My situation was not like. I more or less became friends with a man that I don't know. I feared getting deeper so I quit. The truth is - whether you believe or not - I learned from my mistake and have become a better wife because of it. Let me decide what's best for my situation and you decide what's best for yours.

 

If your husband had shared the relationship you shared with this man would it have bothered you? I would dare say the answer is 'yes' or you wouldn't be afraid to tell him...you wouldn't be on here so happy you'd kicked the A.

 

The bolded bit...you're transparent with what you want to be transparent with. You're still lying to him. I'm sorry...that's just a fact...you are lying by ommission.

 

I am not judging you...I am giving you my opinion. If you didn't want varied opinions you shouldn't have come to a forum to share the news. I am thrilled you stopped yourself before it went further...the problem is you haven't taken the ending to the end.

 

I agree the topic is polarizing-I said that earlier. However, I'm not going sit by and pat you on the back when you're still lying to the man you claim to respect and revere so much. Makes no sense...and you are not being transparent.

[Tommy's Girl]

If your husband had shared the relationship you shared with this man would it have bothered you? I would dare say the answer is 'yes' or you wouldn't be afraid to tell him...you wouldn't be on here so happy you'd kicked the A.

 

The bolded bit...you're transparent with what you want to be transparent with. You're still lying to him. I'm sorry...that's just a fact...you are lying by ommission.

 

I am not judging you...I am giving you my opinion. If you didn't want varied opinions you shouldn't have come to a forum to share the news. I am thrilled you stopped yourself before it went further...the problem is you haven't taken the ending to the end.

 

I agree the topic is polarizing-I said that earlier. However, I'm not going sit by and pat you on the back when you're still lying to the man you claim to respect and revere so much. Makes no sense...and you are not being transparent.

 

It seems to me if she told him now it would make things worse for both of them. It seems she's had no problem with NC since her last post several weeks ago. Lying by omission is not always a bad thing. Personally, my H told me he wished I'd never told him about my EA because after NC, my head cleared (like OPs). His head didn't. He had nightmares and thoughts that wouldn't leave him for a long time. I hated that I told him. It was really to relieve my own guiltiness but did nothing for him. The bottom line is every couple is different. That's the point. Lying by omission is done all the time in different situations and is not necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes it saves one person from unnecessary pain. BTW, Taking it "to the end" means different things for different people. I think if OP continues on the path she on, she will take it to the end. JMHO!

[Tommy's Girl]

One more thing... we all choose when to be transparent.

[SavannahSmiles]

It seems to me if she told him now it would make things worse for both of them. It seems she's had no problem with NC since her last post several weeks ago. Lying by omission is not always a bad thing. Personally' date=' my H told me he wished I'd never told him about my EA because after NC, my head cleared (like OPs). His head didn't. He had nightmares and thoughts that wouldn't leave him for a long time. I hated that I told him. It was really to relieve my own guiltiness but did nothing for him. The bottom line is every couple is different. That's the point. Lying by omission is done all the time in different situations and is not necessarily always a bad thing. Sometimes it saves one person from unnecessary pain. BTW, Taking it "to the end" means different things for different people. I think if OP continues on the path she on, she will take it to the end. JMHO![/quote']

 

 

I agree with most of this TG. Every situation is unique. We don't know enough about OP to analyze her marriage based on other screwed up situations in LS... including my own.

[JustJoe]

Fair enough, OP. Your situation seems to point to a sense of responsibility, but IMO, at some point in time, it would be a good idea, to let him in on the secret. Every lie, whether by commission or omission, is another brick in the wall that separates a husband and wife. My advice to you is to not add any more bricks.

[whatcanidonow2]

OP, this seems to be a fantasy relationship that didn't get completely out of control. You had great strength to stop the matter escalating & credit to you for that.

 

You're clearly comfortable that you did the right thing by going NC & feel that you can live with the knowledge that you thought about a full-on affair, turning the idea down.

 

On this basis, don't tell H - it can't help anything.

 

I do agree with other posters about your comments in the OP, about respect & admiration for H. Doesn't endear you to the community to hear that kind of stuff after you've been fooling about with someone else. Rings kinda hollow, even if that's how you think you feel. JMI.

 

Don't do it again though. You don't know how bad it can be - for BOTH of you.

[sruben]

It's been a few weeks since I posted and I thought I might not post again, but I just wanted encourage those who are going through NC. I still think I made the best decision ever by starting NC with OM - although it was only an EA. I also think I made the best decision (in my case) by not telling my H. Since my contact with OM was limited before, I was working up a huge fantasy in my mind. It was simply a fantasy that I knew I had to end. I wanted to see if I could do it by myself and I succeeded. I hardly think about OM, and when I do it's only briefly followed by the admiration I have for H. NC will clear your head. It's cleared mine. I have a new love for H, I don't need any other man to make me happy, and I look forward to everyday knowing that I'm not on a rollercoaster ride and going behind H's back. There is such freedom in being true to yourself and your H. I have been able to spend much more time with H. We have been able to discuss problems that I didn't want to discuss before. Oh how much respect I have for H. I don't even know what I was thinking before.

 

You are deceiving yourself. You are not being true to your H because you are withholding the truth FROM him. You do not respect your H or you'd come clean with him. You are still living in a fantasy world where you did nothing wrong, and your H is in the same fantasy, only he has no way of realizing it.

 

Gee, I'm so glad you feel so good about yourself. After all, that's what it's all about, isn't it? You?

 

If you love him, you should trust him. The truth will set you free. Continuing in concealment will keep you in bondage to the fear that he may one day find out through other means...how do you think he'll feel about your "love" and "respect" on that day?

 

I think you just post here to make yourself feel better. You confessed to us, but you don't know us. It's all nice and anonymous, isn't it? But your CONSCIENCE is seeking relief, and that's why you're confessing to us. But that won't relieve you like you want, which is why you keep coming back (or you'll go somewhere else and do the same there).

 

You really should confess. My money's on he'll forgive you and you'll both be so relieved. Even if he doesn't, it'll no longer be hanging over your head, and you'll be free then...

[want2begood]

Yeah you say that now but as you were getting banged by the other man did you say that. I feel truly sorry for your ignorant husband, i mean that in the sense he is ignorant of the slut he is stuck with. I truly hope some day he will pay you back in spades.

 

 

If you bothered to read my posts you'd know I never banged another man. I truly feel sorry for you. You are clueless. The truth has set me free. I know where my priorities are now. So I won't beat this dead horse anymore. I simply posted again to encourage others that are going through NC. Sorry you didn't get that.

[sruben]

If you bothered to read my posts you'd know I never banged another man. I truly feel sorry for you. You are clueless. The truth has set me free. I know where my priorities are now. So I won't beat this dead horse anymore. I simply posted again to encourage others that are going through NC. Sorry you didn't get that.

 

You're still self-deceived...

[reservoirdog1]

I think a lot of you are judging my marriage unfairly. First off, I have not had a physical relationship with the OM so STD check isn't necessary. This was strictly a short term EA. I never even saw him but a couple of times and we've never been alone together.

Fair enough, I missed that when I read your original post. That would change the nature of my responses. My bad.

[want2begood]

You are deceiving yourself. You are not being true to your H because you are withholding the truth FROM him. You do not respect your H or you'd come clean with him. You are still living in a fantasy world where you did nothing wrong, and your H is in the same fantasy, only he has no way of realizing it.

 

Gee, I'm so glad you feel so good about yourself. After all, that's what it's all about, isn't it? You?

 

If you love him, you should trust him. The truth will set you free. Continuing in concealment will keep you in bondage to the fear that he may one day find out through other means...how do you think he'll feel about your "love" and "respect" on that day?

 

I think you just post here to make yourself feel better. You confessed to us, but you don't know us. It's all nice and anonymous, isn't it? But your CONSCIENCE is seeking relief, and that's why you're confessing to us. But that won't relieve you like you want, which is why you keep coming back (or you'll go somewhere else and do the same there).

 

You really should confess. My money's on he'll forgive you and you'll both be so relieved. Even if he doesn't, it'll no longer be hanging over your head, and you'll be free then...

 

I respectfully disagree with you. Since I decided to do what is right, it's all about H, not me. I already have relief in knowing I did the right thing. I know that some agree with me and some don't. No matter what you believe, it is possible to gain a new respect for your H after going through a rough time. Because of what I did, I learned how to respect and love my H as I should. I didn't say I've always respected him, but I do now. I think I've said enough and don't have much more to add. I simply came back here to encourage those in NC because I am at peace and so happy I decided to stick with NC, not for opinions that my decision was wrong. I'm sorry my original post didn't clarify that.

[want2begood]

You're still self-deceived...

 

 

ok, whatever you say!