aerialite Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have been with my fiancee for 3 years, newly engaged to be married in 3 months. My 2 best friends just confronted me last night, voicing their concerns for our relationship and my well being. They haven't gotten to know him/us that well bc we all live in different cities. Whenever they have been in town in the past - it is like pulling teeth to get him to come out. I told him how important it was this time, and he came. But he acted not himself. A little hostile, arrogant and overall disinterested in getting to know them. I told him what I thought - he says he's not aware of his behavior and apologized. My friends are also concerned that I accommodate his needs too much and that I am not spending enough time on growing myself. They said i have "lost my glow" and things they love about me the most..they are not seeing come through in me anymore. I know they are just concerned and want me to be 100% sure before I walk down the aisle. But I don't know what to do. I feel like confronting him yet again about his unsocial -ness is not going to get us anywhere. He is grumpy almost all the time because of stress. But it hurts me that he is so disinterested in my friends/life outside of him. I know that I have told him this before. However, with even a smallest effort from him (just going to hang with them), I am able to maintain a degree of happiness. Is this my problem? Am I letting him get away with too much for the sake of staying in a "happy" non-confrontational relationship? Is it his problem - does he need to man up? And how do you get someone to be interested in something other than themselveS?
Ronni_W Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Am I letting him get away with too much for the sake of staying in a "happy" non-confrontational relationship? How often does it feel like you are doing that, aerialite? If you're not confident in your negotiation and conflict resolution skills, then make a commitment to learn and master them. This would be for yourself and for your relationship. It includes such things as assertiveness, positive communication, good self-esteem. If you need to strengthen some or all of these things about yourself, then I'd strongly encourage you to do so sooner than later. And how do you get someone to be interested in something other than themselveS?We can't "get" anybody to be less self-focused. We can only do what we need to do for our own happiness and contentment, and we ought to do that even if it means they will experience negative consequences. The consequences would be the result of their own attitudes and actions -- they might try to blame others, but that would be a wrong perception of what is truly going on. IMO, it's not his problem...because he is not experiencing any problems. If there is any problem, it would be around consciously settling down with someone who is only interested in him/herself -- without oneself having the necessary life and coping skills to properly take care of one's own needs, desires and goals (esp. within a relationship where the other is not all that interested in helping with that.) Hugs, and best of luck.
Mrs.Smith Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 This sounds a lot like me and my husband. I have learned to be more assertive and ask for things that I want from him. Another thing I had learned was how to ask. If I sit down with him and explain what I need he responds much better than me nagging or bringing it up out of frustration. I don't think this should be an issue for you. Its about compromising. My friends are important to me but my family has a much higher priority. I enjoying being with my family more but I do miss friends also. I convinced my husband to combine the two. We have dinners with friends or invite them over to our place. At first my husband acted a lot your fiancé did. He was very un-social and kind of had an attitude about it, but at least he tried. It bothered me at first too because he wasn't himself either and my friends couldn't see how truly wonderful he was. The more often we went out though, the more comfortable he got and now he enjoys it too. I don't think you should let this become a problem in your relationship. Try talking to him and coming up with a compromise. If he doesn't respond or doesn't care, that's when you should look deeper into your relationship. Also, I don't know if you guys have done this or planned to do this... doing pre-marital counseling. We did it, our church wouldn't marry us without it. We were both a little apprehensive about it, but we learned so much about each other and our relationship and it was a lot of fun too! Just a little something to consider
Author aerialite Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Thank you both so much for your good advice, Ronni and Mrs. Smith. I think I should definitely work on the negotiating skills both in personal and work relationships. And Mrs. Smith, I feel like you do in that family is priority and it gives me sense of optimism to hear that you and your husband have dealt with this as well. And yes, we are trying to do the pre-marital counseling stuff. We both think it's a good idea. Thanks So much ya'll! This is my first post ever, so it is great to get such wonderful feedback.
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