SassyC Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 As I am REALLY struggling with NC lately, I was thinking that I was almost addicted to my A. We would email all day while he was at work and I would keep the computer open or check from my phone to see if he had written me back. I know he made me happy and I am sure that is part of it but I am using the computer significantly less than I did and I believe part of that is helping with NC. So, do you think you were/are addicted to your A?
pkn06002 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Brain chemicals are a strong thing that flow like crazy during the affair. Withdrawal from those chemicals is awful and like any addict takes time. Every time you got one of those e-mails a little squirt of those chemicals showed up. So I will say yes I was addicted to the affair. Mine lasted past the chemical stage but yes an addiction all the same.
joey66 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 So, do you think you were/are addicted to your A? Yes. Yes. YES!!!! A thousand times yes.
secretlady76 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Yes, I think maybe I was. It was certainly something my AP brought up, you know, that he found me addictive, and maybe me him. On the basis that it has stopped (weeks ago) and I'm still on here wailing about it tells me I could still be. Dunno. All I know is that I wish these feelings would stop, not that I am doing much to stop them!!!!
ladydesigner Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 WAS VERY ADDICTED NC 10 months now, doing anything I can to not take another hit off that crack pipe:laugh:
crazycatlady Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Why refer to it as an addiction? Does it help with coping? It seems to almost hinder it to me.... I mean, I email and text my spouse all day. I leave my computer open to see if he has responded. Eerything you just said about your APs. So does this mean I'm addicted to my spouse? I miss it when we can't be in touch for whatever reason. I don't however think of myself as addicted to him. He just makes the day more amusing, makes me smile, laugh, its a good way to discuss family business matters so we don't have to do it when we are all home together etc. Or is it simply when you are with someone, building a relationship, nurturing it, that's just what you do? While its been ages since I broken up with someone....I remember the pangs and it sounds very similar to what everyone is saying. I guess it just seems...by making it more then just a relationship that's gone bad that you prolong the agony of the ending. You don't allow yourself to heal from it. Its giving it more power then it should have over you. CCL
ladydesigner Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Why refer to it as an addiction? Does it help with coping? It seems to almost hinder it to me.... I mean, I email and text my spouse all day. I leave my computer open to see if he has responded. Eerything you just said about your APs. So does this mean I'm addicted to my spouse? I miss it when we can't be in touch for whatever reason. I don't however think of myself as addicted to him. He just makes the day more amusing, makes me smile, laugh, its a good way to discuss family business matters so we don't have to do it when we are all home together etc. Or is it simply when you are with someone, building a relationship, nurturing it, that's just what you do? While its been ages since I broken up with someone....I remember the pangs and it sounds very similar to what everyone is saying. I guess it just seems...by making it more then just a relationship that's gone bad that you prolong the agony of the ending. You don't allow yourself to heal from it. Its giving it more power then it should have over you. CCL I did EXACTLY this and I did it for far too long. I'm at a strange place (but good place). I was angry for a long long time and now I do not feel angry at my XOM, I don't miss him. I know this stuff ebbs and flows but I think I am finally trully letting go of him from my heart. I am beginning to feel more connected to my H and my M and there is no place for my XOM there.
OWoman Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 So, do you think you were/are addicted to your A? No. Not at all.
joey66 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I guess it just seems...by making it more then just a relationship that's gone bad that you prolong the agony of the ending. You don't allow yourself to heal from it. Its giving it more power then it should have over you. CCL - You are exactly right. You know it, I know it, and so do most of the other OWs/OMs. But the feeling of addiction and the inability to let go seem to be common. Perhaps even the rule rather than the exception.
secretlady76 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 CCL - You are exactly right. You know it, I know it, and so do most of the other OWs/OMs. But the feeling of addiction and the inability to let go seem to be common. Perhaps even the rule rather than the exception. So then what? I mean, what happens now? Do we wake up one day and not feel any more? What does it take to get over this? My only hope is that once I don't see OM anymore (soonish) then my life moves on...or will I sniff out someone else to focus on, to create those feelings that were so 'addictive'? Why can't I feel this about my H? It's all so confusing...!!!!!
OWoman Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think people experience "addiction" when they cede power to something (be it drugs, sex, work, religion, someone). If someone allows that something to take on disproportionate importance in their lives, then its absence (or threatened absence) is terrifying, crippling, incapacitating, because it has become so central to their functioning. Breaking that hold can be very difficult. Treatment for addiction often involves replacing one addiction target with another, less harmful one (eg replacing one deadly drug with a less toxic one, or replacing alcohol with "a higher power" through a 12 step programme) rather than a complete reclaiming of agency and no reliance on anything outside of oneself. If the A were a true addiction, those kinds of strategies would work.
Author SassyC Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Why refer to it as an addiction? Does it help with coping? It seems to almost hinder it to me.... I mean, I email and text my spouse all day. I leave my computer open to see if he has responded. Eerything you just said about your APs. So does this mean I'm addicted to my spouse? I miss it when we can't be in touch for whatever reason. I don't however think of myself as addicted to him. He just makes the day more amusing, makes me smile, laugh, its a good way to discuss family business matters so we don't have to do it when we are all home together etc. Or is it simply when you are with someone, building a relationship, nurturing it, that's just what you do? While its been ages since I broken up with someone....I remember the pangs and it sounds very similar to what everyone is saying. I guess it just seems...by making it more then just a relationship that's gone bad that you prolong the agony of the ending. You don't allow yourself to heal from it. Its giving it more power then it should have over you. CCL I am only a week out from all of this. A bit portion of my day was spent on MM. My H was also having an EA with someone at work. I know that we turned outside our M instead of to each other. That is what we are working on now. Plus, my A did not end badly. I am not mad at MM and I do not think he is mad at me. So, I believe that makes it harder.
skywriter Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I don't know what the proper description is, addiction, relinquishing power, love, whatever. I do know, it made me wonder about myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way that I never had before. Less important, put him and his needs ahead of my own. All my thoughts revolved around him, (how pathetic of me). It just wasn't healthy. The decrease in contact has been ideal. I have seen him occasionally but it's dwindling down less. Also I now see him in a different way than I used to. He's not so high up on a pedestal as before. The one thing that I try not to do so much of is blame placing. I keep trying to hold myself accountable for my chioices and just work towards moving on.
skylarblue Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 For the majority of time, I think I was very much so “addicted” to the A. It really had little to do with MM. He could have been any guy that I was attracted to in that situation. Like a drug, I really craved and loved the feelings I got from being in the/an A, would purposefully seek MM because it helped me to feel good about myself, and had referred to it as the biggest/greatest high in the world. It was very psychological. I don’t consider myself “addicted” to the A(s)/MM now. It doesn’t make me smile to think that I am upping his W anymore. It made me smile to think of the way he calls me “baby” or leaves me a silly message. The fact that we talk, see each other, or I thought about him often was just the reflection of him becoming a more significant or meaningful part of my life. Maybe sometimes people become more “obsessed” than “addicted” with MM (I’m not implying anything). Or maybe it is simply a way to explain a behavior during the A that was so out of character or extreme for the AP that "addiction" seems to be the only comparable or comprehensive way to describe it.
MizFit Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Personally I don't make real friends easily...I have boatloads of acquaintances and people I love to hang out with, but can count my true and close friends on 3 fingers. I'm the same with love...when I do finally fall I fall hard and it takes me a long time to heal. For me it has to do with the man and what we shared rather than an addiction. Any relationship begets habits...habits need time to be broken. I'll agree emails and texts and phone calls from him through the day and night are a habit and I'd miss them, but I don't know as I'd classify it as an addiciton. I'm in a bit different situation to most OW though so I'm not sure if I count! I do know I love him and I know that one day I'll have to deal with losing that contact and connection...the love won't die...the relationship will and that's probably what I'll miss the most.
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