A new friendship mystery

[vintagecat]

Here's a question that I think I know the answer to but I'll bounce it off of the group to see what you think:

 

My husband and I met this nice couple on vacation this winter. Turns out that we had a lot in common. We spent some time together and got on very well. It was time to go our separate ways but on leaving we exchanged email and physical addresses and phone numbers and the other couple's wife said when passing through their home area, they would love it if we could stop by.

 

We kept in touch with a few very short emails and a few months later in March we were passing through their area on the way home and stopped by on invitation, meeting them for dinner in a nearby town. We had a nice evening. They asked us to come to their home the next day to "spend the day" and so we spent the early/mid afternoon to about 7:30pm at their home. The day went very well I thought, without any uncomfortable lags or awkward moments and when we left they seemed very cordial and glad to have seen us.

 

When I got home I sent them a card thanking them for their hospitality and dinner. I didn't expect a response to the card. A few weeks later I got an odd spam email from their account and I sent them a note (with a copy of the email) telling them that their gmail account may have been hacked. I didn't get a response but I figured they were busy enough trying to deal with this. About a month or so ago I sent them a short email with some news that they might find interesting and asked about an upcoming family wedding that they were helping with. No response.

 

I assume that we may have been dumped or that it was a temporary "of the moment" friendship? If these were old friends I'd call them and say "Are you dead or what?" but the friendship is too new to intrude with any expectations. I know this is not much to go on but I don't wish to bother them with communication (email or other) that they aren't wanting. I plan on not initiating communication until I hear from them first, which given the situation, may be never. It's kind of sad because couple friends are the very hardest to make. This is couple I would have liked to have kept as friends.

 

What do you all think and what would you do? BTW, we are middle aged couples and we don't (any of us) have online presence on social networking sites, so using My Space or Facebook is out of the question.

 

Sometimes people are a mystery to me....

[vintagecat]

Bueller, Bueller, anyone????

 

I know it's not a major crisis and perhaps a tad boring really but it would be nice to have some input as to what might have happened.

[whichwayisup]

I have no idea. But, you've sent them afew notes, with no responses, so let it go. If they reply back, then answer.

[Fight4Me]

Well, I would say that there could be several different scenarios going on, and probably would be inclined to assume a more benign reason for now since there is little to indicate they wanted to avoid contact. It's entirely possible that an email (on either end) got sent to a spam folder and was never noticed. That's actually fairly common, even with addresses that have normally gone straight to the inbox. It's also possible that they had a hard drive crash, and may have lost some contact information, or if their email was hacked, may not have recovered the account. We've had family crises come up that have taken up a lot of time and energy, and sometimes getting caught up with friends and communications can be difficult. I have also let both friends and family know that this time of year is crazy with end-of-schoolyear projects, activities, etc., that we tend to drop off the face of the earth until it's all over. Not sure if your friends have school-age kids or not, but thought I'd throw that out there.

 

You mentioned also having their phone number. Maybe you should just give them a call to see how they're doing, and then you can probably gage from their tone if they're not all that interested in staying in touch. Going by what little you described, I doubt that is the case, though. My dh and I wouldn't be inclined to invite anyone back to our home if we truly wanted to distance ourselves from someone for whatever reason.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you think is going on? Even though few have responded so far, be sure to update the thread with whatever you find out. I agree, it can be difficult to find couples you really connect with as you get older, so it's important to maintain those friendships if at all possible.

 

ETA: Just went back and read where you thought the friendship was too new to make a phone call, but I would say that since you've reconnected again in person, and even been to their house, I don't think it would be intruding. Maybe if you were leaving phone messages and not getting calls back, then that would be a tad much to keep trying, but one call isn't inappropriate at all.

Edited June 3, 2010 by Fight4Me
clarifying myself

[green_tea]

Your story isn't boring.. these types of problems are what this forum is for.

 

I can't relate to couples friendships, having never been in a couple before, but from what you said of your time with them, it seems unlikely that they would just completely de-friend you like that. Since you said you got what looked like a spam email from their account, I think it is entirely possible that they are having problems with that account. If I was you, I would definitely make one phone call to see what's up as Fightforme said. If you leave a message and they never return it, then you know to let it go. I think a phone call is ok, even for new friendships, if they didn't want you to ever call, they wouldn't have given you their number right? Good luck :-)

[vintagecat]

Thanks for the input folks I really appreciate it. I don't have any idea what's going on but they may have lost control of their hacked gmail account as was suggested. I hadn't thought that this might be the case because neither of my email messages were returned but if they went into a black hole/spam file, that certainly might be a possibility.

 

I have long distance friends that I have made here and the relationship developed and then they moved away and I understand the parameters of those types of friendships though we have lost touch with more than a few over time as well.

 

I have also have had a few friends just essentially disappear over the years and the other day when my husband asked whether I had heard from them it made me think and wonder about it. Maybe I am just thinking too much. This is new territory for us.

 

I will update this if and when there is new information. Thanks guys.

[vintagecat]

We hadn't heard from these friends since I posted this thread in early June but about a week ago we received another spam email from their account. By now I'm sure that they have a problem with their email so I give them a call. I talked to the husband briefly first and he sounded surprised but glad to hear from me. He thought we had moved. Weird. When I started talking about the likely email problem he handed me off to his wife who's account it was.

 

She sounded okay, friendly enough but she started saying how she sent a letter and email but hadn't heard from us except the thank you card that I sent when we got home. I thought it was odd as we never have missed mail since being here. She said that she sent it when her husband was out of state visiting relatives. Okay, odd, but okay. I told her about the spam and of a few attempts to communicate through email and that her account has likely been hijacked. So she said that she would get a new email account and would send us a message soon. When I started a brief catch up chit chat about some things I knew they had going, she made an excuse and rushed off the phone.

 

It was odd in the extreme. The phone call lasted maybe 5 minutes. I sat there for a second holding the dead phone looking dazed and my husband commented, "Well that was short." I thought so too. Nothing of course from them since. I have my answer. I don't know the cause, never will but I have my answer and will attempt no further contact.

 

Weird and a tad upsetting. Thanks for all those that responded to this thread.

 

Cat

[2sunny]

something doesn't add up. did your husband have any inappropriate interaction with the H or W?

 

is it possible that something may be happening in their life that they don't wish to express to you two? yep.

 

i'd give it more time... more will be revealed. there's a piece of the puzzle you aren't aware of.

 

i don't think their email has been hijacked. that is their excuse or cover up...

[vintagecat]

"something doesn't add up."

 

I agree. It seems like the wife has unilaterally made the decision to cut us off or if not, the husband is a very good actor as he actually seemed pleased to hear from us.

 

"did your husband have any inappropriate interaction with the H or W?"

 

I can't imagine that he did. We were together most of the time and it would be completely out of character as he's pretty shy and unassuming with most people even family.

 

"is it possible that something may be happening in their life that they don't wish to express to you two? yep."

 

I don't know. They seemed fairly normal to me throughout. I do recall one conversation when we visited where the husband expressed his desire to visit his brother in another state and the wife just cut him off with "No, you can't go right now." Seemed a bit abrupt to me at the time. Maybe she's used to reeling him in as he definitely is the more extroverted of the two. And one night at the campground where we initially met she and her husband had been spending the day with his brother and wife who had come out to meet them for a week or so. We went off on our own that day but were supposed to meet up later for a cookout/fire but she stayed in the camper all evening. I thought that she may have developed a headache or the like and asked if she felt okay but her sister in law said she was fine but needed time to herself and not to go over. (Not that I would have considered to do that.) Again I thought that a touch odd but the next morning when we were leaving she was as sweet as pie asking us to come visit when we passed through. Later I thought that maybe there was a family fight and she needed some space with a time out, especially after that comment when we visited about not being allowed to visit this (same) brother.

 

"i'd give it more time... more will be revealed. there's a piece of the puzzle you aren't aware of."

 

Clearly something is amiss but I've decided that I can't spend too much time figuring this out. I'm not about to promote a relationship where it isn't wanted. I probably wouldn't have contacted them at all having not heard from them after so long had I not gotten that second spam. I'd want to know if someone had hijacked my email and was spamming from my account regardless of who bore the message. Oddly she didn't sound that concerned about it.

 

"i don't think their email has been hijacked. that is their excuse or cover up..."

 

Quite possibly. I'm shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders over this whole thing. Maybe we didn't improve on closer examination during our visit and are being cut. That's fine, not flattering of course but fine. The spam, that is one weird component to this deal that I just can't figure out.

 

C'est la vie....

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

Cat

[2sunny]

but were supposed to meet up later for a cookout/fire but she stayed in the camper all evening. I thought that she may have developed a headache or the like and asked if she felt okay but her sister in law said she was fine but needed time to herself and not to go over. (Not that I would have considered to do that.) Again I thought that a touch odd but the next morning when we were leaving she was as sweet as pie asking us to come visit when we passed through.

 

my sister in law used to do this. she suffered from severe depression - and no one wold admit to it - just willing to help cover it up and pretend like nothing was wrong. looked an awful lot like this on a regular basis.

 

she was a no show even at events at her own home... he hubby and kids acting like her not coming out to greet anyone was their norm... then later participating like nothing was wrong - and never acknowledging that she goes missing at critical times - only to show up with no explanation from her. completely bypassing her need to answer why she had been absent.

 

when everyone close to that person participates and allows no explanation for the absence - it's the cover up that makes things seem "off."