What am I to do? Complex Situation, Hurting.

[hardtocope]

Warning - long! Sorry, I have a lot to say, and some need some advice desperately.

 

Okay, so I'm in a relationship with a GF of about 4 1/2 years. We have had such a great time together in life, we fit together like we were puzzle pieces made from the same clay (apologies to The Postal Service) - anyway, the backstory is that we both work together at the same place, and about 2 years ago we got a new boss who has been making things really stressful at the workplace for all of us, and has divided people up into camps and allegiances and so on. The stress at the workplace has gotten to us and our relationship for sure for a long time.

 

Lately, we've had a lot of ups and downs (3-4 months) and for the past 2 months, my GF has really pulled away - started hanging out with a different set of folks, not calling me or seeing me as much (we used to talk several times a day, and see each other every day). She started the pushing away behavior - we'd fight about little, innocuous things, she seemed to get irritated at the same behavior and comments that she once found endearing, just seemed to have an intolerance for me. We would really fight about the workplace issues a lot - that is, she didn't want to even think about it - it was really tough because we had stress at work which couldn't dissolve away from work because both of us were in the thick of it together. I really had to watch what I said around her, because I didn't know what was going to set her off. FTR, we have very similar personalities, so I found that interesting that we were reacting so differently.

 

We had several relationship talks recently - she could never really explain why she was acting the way she did, and would get irritated when we talked about it too for too long. During this period, there were a lot of emails from me to her after these discussion where I would say, 'sweetie, if you don't want me any more, then just tell me, because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me' - she always said no, that's not what she wanted.

 

Then over the course of about the last two weeks, it went ballistic. At the beginning of this two weeks she massively increased her contact with me, and wanted me to see her every night - there were a few nights where I couldn't make it over, one in particular where she had thought I was coming, but then things came up for me and I couldn't see her.

 

That seemed like the catalyst to the end, because after that one night, she became angry, withdrawn from me emotionally, uncommunicative, etc. It was like she was giving me one last test that I failed.

 

We'd had periods of time when we decided not to talk for a week or so. It was never hard, because I knew we were just posturing. But this time is a lot different - This time she indicated that there was a guy she was spending lots of time with in her new friends circle. Of course, I freaked out, accused her of pushing me away. She said no, that wasn't it, she was just trying to have a good time with people she didn't associate with the stress of the workplace.

 

Then, later in the week, she admitted she had gone out on several friend 'dates' with the guy. I of course freaked out, but it never got really ugly - I didn't want to say hurtful things. I asked her if she wanted out, and she said no. We had one last night together, I went away for the weekend, when I came back, we had a breakup talk where she admitted she liked this guy a lot. It was ugly in the sense of how upset I was (I surprised myself) and how upset she was, although she would vacillate between sobbing and throwing up in the toilet to being emotionless to being angry. I was just a wreck. There was no harsh language, just sad confusion, wracking pain and a sense of utter betrayal on my part - you know, almost 5 years is a long time for a relationship. It's hard to give up on that.

 

Here's my point - in the end she felt so bad she agreed to having a cooling off period of a couple of weeks to see if we would miss each other (eg, her miss me). She claims she wants it all to be like it was, but that she needed time off, and that we could try again in 2 or 3 weeks. In the meantime she will continue to see this other guy. This just seems like cruel and unusual dragging out of the inevitable to me. But I miss her so much, I would do anything to get her back. I feel like such a loser.

 

I know that if you want a relationship to work after a breakup and then a bargaining, you are supposed to NC for 3 weeks to a month. How can I NC? We work together. We work on projects together, literally. I HAVE to communicate with work her and have meetings about work stuff. It's only been three days, and I am supposed to go to a small going away lunch for a co-worker who would be really hurt if I didn't show up. Also, our co-worker DO NOT KNOW we are dating, we have kept it a secret for 4.5 years to avoid problems at the workplace.

 

So how do I NC this person who I desperately want back in my life when I will see them almost every day at work? How is she going to miss me if she sees me almost every day at work. She is very good at shutting things out and putting them to the back of her mind, I am not.

 

I want to NC, I want to see if it will work, but it seems impossible. Any advice anybody can give will be appreciated. I am so heartbroken and in pain, I do not know what to do. This work twist is making the normal grieving or get-back-together process very difficult.

[ADF]

You need to get away from this woman as fast as possible. I am serious. Find another job if you have to, asap. This woman is a liar and a cheater. She's selfish and emotionally abusive. She didn't even enough guts or decency to be honest with you about this other guy. She is making a fool of you. Don't let her do it anymore.

[KafkasLastWords]

My ex and I were also together over 4.5 years when he broke up with me out of nowhere 7 weeks ago (you can read my story in a previous post on here). I understand how much this must be hurting you and it really makes no sense. It seems like she isn't seeing clearly because there is so much chaos going on. Have you ever thought about changing jobs? It seems like an incredibly unhealthy environment, beyond just your relationship. All you can do is do things for yourself and try to make yourself happy. What made you happy before you and your ex got together? Don't do things to try to get her back and don't do things to try to hurt her. Anything you do where thinking of her is fueling you is probably a bad idea and will backfire. My thoughts are with you.

[Tiredguy]

She's getting a little of the grass is greener syndrome, looking for something new. And she may come to regret that decision, as most of the 'grass is greener' types generally do. But if it were me? I'd let her go, because no matter if she comes to regret it, and you get back together, she'll do it again. And even if you try to overlook it, when you're back together, it always be in the back of your mind that she was intimate with someone else while she "took a break", which will just cause more problems.

 

Trust me. My relationship was 5.5 years and was almost identical to what you describe, in every aspect, except we didnt' work together, it was an LDR. However, the behavior was the same, the end result the same, and she did it to me twice, the second time three years after the first. This time, I walked away without a backward glance, despite the fact that I still loved her with all my heart. Don't put yourself through more stress, no matter how much you feel for her. Best thing to do now is move on with your life, a life without her in it.

[hardtocope]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

ADF - I hear you. I am thinking of leaving town for another job, but for many reasons (family, debt, etc.) it remains so much easier to stay here. She really is a nice, decent person, but she has been ugly to me in the past several months for reasons unknown. I think part of it is we had an open relationship for the beginning of our initial relationship, where I saw other women before we got more serious, and I fell in love. She has told me that I have no right to tell her what to do in this regard because of the way we began - she didn't see anybody, and I saw other people. I think she is acting the way she is acting because she needs me to leave / go away on my own in order to assuage her guilt. She is being emotionally abusive right now, but I have had my share of those fights where I acted like a jerk as well. But of course, this is much more serious.

 

Kafka - thanks so much for your kind words, your empathy means a lot. I am so sorry for you in your situation as well. I do think the job situation is making things much worse, and that this situation would not be happening if it weren't for the dual job stress. Many of our arguments stemmed from talking about work stuff. I am actually beginning to look at other jobs at this point, but the economy is pretty tough where I live still, and professional jobs are hard to come by. I think she isn't seeing clearly because of the chaos too. I don't want her to ruin what we have because she is confused and stressed, and associates me with stress, and these other people (and man) with no stress. And of course, when we have contact it is stressful because of what is going on right now, how I feel ( and probably the way I look at her) and the decision she is trying to make. I know. I can almost feel fine, just depressed, if I don't think of her, or see her, but she is on my facebook, and so is the other man! I don't want to de-friend her so as not to upset her, and I don't want to defriend this other man because it might draw attention to the workplace relationship aspect (he works at the same large company, although in a far-away dept). I am sounding so pitiful, I know. The whole situation is ridiculous, and would be almost funny if not for the gut-wrenching pain I am feeling. Talking about with you guys makes it better, though, so thanks.

 

Also, I literally have a hard time remembering what it was that made me happy before this woman. I mean , I had lots of hobbies, and friends, but a lot of that went by the wayside when I met this woman. Doing things with her, anything, is what made me happy, really. So it is tough to think back so far - I guess I will think about that, and try to rediscover these things - very good advice.

 

TiredGuy - Honestly, it's scary to think that this is common, and it is destiny that she should leave me or vice versa due to her current mindset. I would do anything to get back together with her at this point, and she knows it, but doesn't really want it. I think she may just be stringing me out because she feels sorry for me, and guilty that she is no longer in love the way she used to be. I'd be nice to think that she is evil and manipulative, but I think she is just no longer in love with me, yet I am with her, and that is that. I think our breakup was so awful, that she felt so guilty, that she agreed to try again, or some more, even while she sees this other guy. I can see with my head where I need to run away, but my heart hurts so much, and I am so weak over this women that I want to try, at least for the next couple of weeks while I wait to see if we will get back together. Love is so f*****d up. But you don't do what she is doing to somebody you love. So if she is doing this, she must not be in love with me anymore, correct?

[hardtocope]

BTW, I had to go to lunch with her today - a going away lunch for a coworker. I know I should move on. But seeing her again just killed me inside. My grief for what I know is likely so over comes in waves, and sometimes they are so overwhelming it is like I am drowning in pain, physical pain, I just literally collapse - onto the couch, the floor, whatever surface is underneath me. Roll into a little ball. I guess that's why I want to string it along, to avoid this, it's like what I imagine withdrawing from heroin would feel like.

[Tiredguy]

I personally don't believe people just "fall out of love" so easily, as seems to be the common trend amongst those of us were dumped for someone else. I work with many women and had many opportunities to cheat on my gf but the thought never even crossed my mind. Why? Because I loved her.

 

Not to mention, we both know how guys work. If a girl is in a serious relationship, or I should say, she is serious about her relationship, and she lets other guys around her know that, they won't mess with her. They won't keep hitting on her or what have you unless she gives them a reason to...think about that. My honest opinion on this situation is that the girl, namely your ex and mine, were never really in love in the first place. If you love someone, you don't throw them away for the first guy that comes along and pays attention to you. The whole falling out of love crap is exactly that, imo: crap.

 

Anyway man, I was just like you the first time she did it to me. Wanted her back so bad, and willing to do anything to make it work. She eventually came back to me, and then she did it again, despite all of her apologies and promises and I love you's and all that other ****.

 

You deserve better than that. You and me both.

Edited June 3, 2010 by Tiredguy

[ishmaiel]

But seeing her again just killed me inside. My grief for what I know is likely so over comes in waves, and sometimes they are so overwhelming it is like I am drowning in pain, physical pain, I just literally collapse - onto the couch, the floor, whatever surface is underneath me. Roll into a little ball. I guess that's why I want to string it along, to avoid this, it's like what I imagine withdrawing from heroin would feel like.

 

I am there with your right now, hardtocope. Though circumstances are different (10 year marriage) and partner's behaviour is different, I am in a world of pain.

 

You feel a craving. You are willing to sacrifice anything and anyone to get a moment of the old way, where you felt secure, happy and full of hope.

 

I frequently try to send myself messages back in time to avoid the present timeline.

 

I was talking with a very insightful friend today, about my situation. He asked a key question. "If we got back together again, would I be able to forgive her for hurting me so much." (it was her decision to separate, not mine, though there has not been any infidelity or EA). I thought about it the question.

 

I don't know the answer for me. But the question stuck with me. How much of what is happening to me right now (unbearable pain) will affect any future relationship with her? Will I be resentful. Will I be angry. Will and can I forgive?

 

I find that thinking about these kinds of questions (which don't have answers), keeps my mind busy. Try it. It's a pitiful way to waste time, but at least time will be passing and with it, the sharpness of the pain too.

[hardtocope]

I personally don't believe people just "fall out of love" so easily, as seems to be the common trend amongst those of us were dumped for someone else. I work with many women and had many opportunities to cheat on my gf but the thought never even crossed my mind. Why? Because I loved her.

 

Not to mention, we both know how guys work. If a girl is in a serious relationship, or I should say, she is serious about her relationship, and she lets other guys around her know that, they won't mess with her. They won't keep hitting on her or what have you unless she gives them a reason to...think about that. My honest opinion on this situation is that the girl, namely your ex and mine, were never really in love in the first place. If you love someone, you don't throw them away for the first guy that comes along and pays attention to you. The whole falling out of love crap is exactly that, imo: crap.

 

Anyway man, I was just like you the first time she did it to me. Wanted her back so bad, and willing to do anything to make it work. She eventually came back to me, and then she did it again, despite all of her apologies and promises and I love you's and all that other ****.

 

You deserve better than that. You and me both.

 

Yeah, if she is going to go out with another guy during the endtimes of the relationship, before it is even over, and tell me about it, then she obviously is not in love with me anymore. If I broke it off tomorrow, I really don't think she'd ever remotely consider coming back, I think she really wants to move on with this other guy. Full NC would have no effect on her. It is clear she has just made up her mind that I am not worth her time after 5 years. She is just stringing me along to make herself feel less guilty, and to possibly hold off on hurting my feelings as long as possible. I need to tell her goodbye.

[hardtocope]

I am there with your right now, hardtocope. Though circumstances are different (10 year marriage) and partner's behaviour is different, I am in a world of pain.

 

You feel a craving. You are willing to sacrifice anything and anyone to get a moment of the old way, where you felt secure, happy and full of hope.

 

I frequently try to send myself messages back in time to avoid the present timeline.

 

I was talking with a very insightful friend today, about my situation. He asked a key question. "If we got back together again, would I be able to forgive her for hurting me so much." (it was her decision to separate, not mine, though there has not been any infidelity or EA). I thought about it the question.

 

I don't know the answer for me. But the question stuck with me. How much of what is happening to me right now (unbearable pain) will affect any future relationship with her? Will I be resentful. Will I be angry. Will and can I forgive?

 

I find that thinking about these kinds of questions (which don't have answers), keeps my mind busy. Try it. It's a pitiful way to waste time, but at least time will be passing and with it, the sharpness of the pain too.

 

That's a wise friend. The trust is gone, never to come back. You've been betrayed by the person you were closest to. It cannot get any worse than that. I do not think I'll be able to be friends for a very, very long time, maybe never, and it just kills me to think that. It was only a week ago I was in her arms, and now it's all just a memory that will soon fade into nothing and forgetfulness and it's so unbearably sad. I do not know how I'll get past this, but I need to end it, I think.....

[hardtocope]

ADF - I just read a quote of yours - "if she says she needs space, it usually means she's met somebody else." That really hit home. You are a little rough, but to the point for sure, and I think you are probably correct on all counts in all of your comments.

[Tiredguy]

Yeah, if she is going to go out with another guy during the endtimes of the relationship, before it is even over, and tell me about it, then she obviously is not in love with me anymore. If I broke it off tomorrow, I really don't think she'd ever remotely consider coming back, I think she really wants to move on with this other guy. Full NC would have no effect on her. It is clear she has just made up her mind that I am not worth her time after 5 years. She is just stringing me along to make herself feel less guilty, and to possibly hold off on hurting my feelings as long as possible. I need to tell her goodbye.

 

The worst part about it for people like us is the realization that in the end, you didn't mean as much to that person as you thought you did. You sit there, almost in amazement, knowing that they could just toss you away and move on which makes you feel like gutter trash, because despite everything you thought you had together, it obviously didn't mean much to them, for them to abandon you so quickly and easily. That still hits me out of the blue like a brick at times, and honestly, sometimes I still can't believe it.

 

My ex texted me something the other day about how if I wanted to talk she would, because she owed me "full support and closure", but I just ignored it. If you open yourself up to anything from her, its just going to cause you more pain. And second chances from "regret" over being callously tossed away will just bring you more pain, because she will do it again. And like Ish's friend said, will you ever forgive her for doing it the first time? Most likely not, it will always be in the back of your mind.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Before me and my ex broke up the behaviour was the EXACT same; needed 'space', always out with his friends - I was never invited, picking arguments, distant, with me but not really with me...and then I got an email out of the 'blue' (I knew it was coming) that he was done.Sometimes when we love someone we ignore whats right there. Its not what they're saying but what they're doing. If someone loved you but needed some space, they would phrase it in a way that didn't even phase you, but if they leave you feeling insecure and frightened, its because they aren't even trying to reassure you, because they can't - they don't even know what they want.

[hardtocope]

^^ well, I also think that the ugly truth is that, while someone may fit you, you do not fit them. We, the unfit (joke), we just need to keep moving along until we find the other who actually fits. I think we'll know it, too, I think it will feel different than our other relationships. All that glitters is not gold, I suppose.

 

The thing is, you may not ever find it. Thems the breaks. I'm already starting to come to terms with this. I think we were just too alike, too easily stressed, to excitable, to high strung. That's probably not a good combo in a stressed-out work environment.

 

What is striking to me though, are the striking similarities between the ends of many relationships- so many of us with this 'people who didn't match' pairing had the tail of the relationship happen in almost the exact same way. Amazing.

 

And also, the NC advice is excellent. That is the way to go. Often, the other party is feeling pressured by you whether its true or not, and what they want is less stress, so if you go away and give them a complete lack of stress, it is possible they may re-evaluate since that's one of the reasons they were hittin the bus gus. Mine was actually close to that, but I created so much freak-out stress for the other person there at the end, that it was a deal-breaker, just completely shut them down and made up their mind. NC is the way to go. If they do not re-connect then, it didn't matter anyway. Simple as that, no games. SO I would say complete NC is a win-win on both sides, in retrospect.

 

Problem is, when you are hurting, you are weak, and you need help not to break NC. 4 am on the floor crying is a tough time to gather inner strength. This has been a tremendous learning experience for me.

[Mender]

Love Conquers All!

 

"Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship

problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/drperryw /19"

[Mender]

[FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2][COLOR=#333333]Great quote:

 

" I can't talk to you anymore, it's not that I am mad at you, it's just that when I talk to you I realize how much I love you and when I realize how much I love you, I realize I can't have you and that makes me love you even more."

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Verdana][sIZE=2][COLOR=#6699ff] Unknown

 

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] "Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship

problems ever again: <a href="http://www.payzeno.com/a/drperryw/19 ">Click here<a/>"

[Sari]

^^ well, I also think that the ugly truth is that, while someone may fit you, you do not fit them. We, the unfit (joke), we just need to keep moving along until we find the other who actually fits. I think we'll know it, too, I think it will feel different than our other relationships. All that glitters is not gold, I suppose.

 

The thing is, you may not ever find it. Thems the breaks. I'm already starting to come to terms with this. I think we were just too alike, too easily stressed, to excitable, to high strung. That's probably not a good combo in a stressed-out work environment.

 

What is striking to me though, are the striking similarities between the ends of many relationships- so many of us with this 'people who didn't match' pairing had the tail of the relationship happen in almost the exact same way. Amazing.

 

And also, the NC advice is excellent. That is the way to go. Often, the other party is feeling pressured by you whether its true or not, and what they want is less stress, so if you go away and give them a complete lack of stress, it is possible they may re-evaluate since that's one of the reasons they were hittin the bus gus. Mine was actually close to that, but I created so much freak-out stress for the other person there at the end, that it was a deal-breaker, just completely shut them down and made up their mind. NC is the way to go. If they do not re-connect then, it didn't matter anyway. Simple as that, no games. SO I would say complete NC is a win-win on both sides, in retrospect.

 

Problem is, when you are hurting, you are weak, and you need help not to break NC. 4 am on the floor crying is a tough time to gather inner strength. This has been a tremendous learning experience for me.

 

Wow, I think this is the first post on Loveshack that has actually made me laugh! Loving the Paul Simon '50 ways to leave your lover' quote (whether intentional or not!).

 

Yeah, from reading these threads it seems to me that there are a lot of commitment-phobes out there. I hate to paraphrase Michael Douglas (just cos he's Michael Douglas!) but he said something along the lines of "If you can live with someone for X years you can live with them forever". Basically if you've had several happy years of a close partnership with someone I think you can always make it work. Feelings may change, desire may fluctuate, but you realise these things for what they are and cope with them. The commitment-phobe panics and flees, rather than talking about it rationally. They find something or usually someone else to patch over the panic, rather than going through the hard slog of trying to work out why they feel so 'pressurised' and 'trapped'. Usually it is little or nothing to do with us pressuring or trapping them. Your ex sounds a bit like this. As does mine.

 

Re NC, yeah it's good for you but it's sh*t really isn't it? I would give anything to see my ex's face again, I miss him more than words could ever possibly say. The fact that he is seeing someone else after nearly 5 years together is like some kind of Japanese torture game-show for me.

[hardtocope]

ha ha Sari right, like maybe a game show where they put all the pre-broken hearts in little glass domes labled 'friends' or family' on a table with a gila monster that has 'inevitable-ex' written it's side, and then let it go nuts, the little domes go up and down revealing the hearts, and we make side bets on which ones will get eaten, torn, ripped to shreds or protected by their bubble of social networks lookin' out for them. Goshdang, I could probably pitch that.

[Sari]

ha ha Sari right, like maybe a game show where they put all the pre-broken hearts in little glass domes labled 'friends' or family' on a table with a gila monster that has 'inevitable-ex' written it's side, and then let it go nuts, the little domes go up and down revealing the hearts, and we make side bets on which ones will get eaten, torn, ripped to shreds or protected by their bubble of social networks lookin' out for them. Goshdang, I could probably pitch that.

 

Then maybe for the end bit they could have a 'grovel of shame' where you have to beg on your knees in front of said gila monster for one more chance - they either crack their mouth open to reveal your bedraggled ex within or just rip out your jugular. Obviously with horrible emotionally anaethatised crowd baying for more... Judging by The Simpsons constant jibes about it's 'quality programming' I'd assume Fox Network is the place for this??

[xox101]

Going from my own experience there is only one thing you can do now and that is to walk away. Using full NC as a tactic simply won't work except as a way for YOU to move on with your life. This girl thinks the grass is greener on the other side and is determined to find out, unfortunately it is her life and you can't control it.

 

One thing that struck me in your original message was your statement that you had given everything to her. You spent all your time with her both at work and outside of it. I was the same with my ex and I have since come to the conclusion that this is a big mistake! A man needs to have a separate life from his relationship, I don't mean that in a bad way but simply as a way of showing the woman that your life does not revolve around her. Woman respect this in a man as it shows he is independent and not needy. Think bad boy here only without the jerk.

 

Her efforts to "try" again with you are only being done to make HER feel better not you! This is so she can tell her friends and family that she "tried" to give it another go, it is simply a way for her to assuage her conscience and has nothing to do with her "feelings" for you.

 

Tell her you are not interested in having her around, it is going to be hard but for your own self respect it has to be done. Do it calmly without referring to the other guy and wish her the best in her new life, then let her go. Ironically you will get far more respect from her for doing this than you ever will for "trying". By doing this you are showing her you are a mature man who can deal with whatever life throws at him. Let her leave without giving her any chances to make her self feel better and then no matter the problems with family/debt or anything else get yourself a new job. The situation you are in is not healthy. Sooner or later she may move jobs and then you are going to feel even worse so you make the break first and show her that you are capable of moving on.

 

You have some bad times ahead of you and getting through these is going to be a bitch! But as long as you try and learn a lesson from this experience you will get through it and believe me you will come out better in the end. By her saying she is "trying" to make it work with you she is simply showing her immaturity and inability to take responsibility for her own life. Is this the sort of person you want to carry on a relationship with? Your heart says yes but what does your head say?

 

Like I said it is going to be hard but take it from someone who has been there, YOU will be the better person at the end of this!