"I'm not in love with you anymore"

[OneGoodGuy]

... are the words my wife said to me on the day my word came crashing down.

 

I'm not sure how this whole forum thing works, I'm 24, I've gone from chat rooms, to instant message, to the world in the palm of your hand thanks to smart phones. But, I'll start with a little history, as I mentioned, I'm 24, so is my wife, we have known each other for the past 12 years. We were married back in 2006 and have two children. She enlisted in the military in mid-'08 to give us all a better life, and seeing as who I am supported her decision. Though, I'm not going to say completely, I'm sure there is a little selfishness in everyone, and of course like most people who aren't brought up in a "military family" I thought only the worst of the situation. I didn't want her dying on the field or anything. But I digress.

 

So she makes it through Basic Training, I go to see her at her graduation ceremony and it's like I'm standing there staring at a stranger. I'm sure many spouses feel that way at first. 6 weeks away can seem like an eternity. Needless-to-say, the weekend flies by and she is on a plane headed for her tech school. While there, she calls me one night and basically says, she gives me permission to see other people while she's away, knowing how I haven't seen her in so long and how lonely I must be. Now, if you knew my wife you would be askning yourself, WHAT THE F***? right along with me. We both grew up in a rather traditional household, both our parents have been married 20 plus years, and we're both only children, so we share a common bond in a lot of ways. But this? This was totally out of character for her, she was the girl I watched grow into a woman. She was a person like most middle-class Concervatives who frowned upon adultery. Yet here she was giving me her belssings to see other people. Suffice it to say, I was floored. I just didn't know what to think.

 

A few days later, we talked one evening and she admitted to me, she was becoming very close with someone she met at tech school. She reassured me nothing had happened (physically that is) but that there was indeed a very strong connection and interest on both their parts. Of course I was hurt, but we talked it out and she let me know it would go no further than it was at that moment, she would simply tell this other man she could only be friends... yeah...

 

So time passes, she finishes up her schooling and flies back home to tie up some loose ends before we head out to her duty station, this was all during the latter part of '09.

 

Chirstmas comes, we spend time with family and the day after head north. We get there a few days later (leaving the kids with family until we get situated, seeing as how this was our first pcs). Held up in lodging until our house is ready to be moved in to, she breaks down one morning, and in a sobbing mess tells me she's no longer in love with me.

 

I was devistated.

 

She goes on to explain that the spark just fizzled out. See, through most of our relationship/ friendship, I wasn't really ever attracted to her, she was simply my best friend, my soul mate if you will. It wasn't physical but something much deeper for me. We had dated other people through high school and shortly there after, but never one another. Sure, we were each other's "firsts" but it just seemed natural, it was a palpable expression of our love and respect for the other. But here we were, years older, two kids and married. I guess in some ways her ship had sailed a long time ago. Now don't get me wrong, I feel I truly am a "good guy." And, I know my wife would be the first to agree, I've never been in any way abusive to her, I support her and would lie down my life if need be, I just couldn't appreciate her, I was young and naive, what can I say?

 

To make matters worse, the guy she met in tech school was still there, just 45 minutes away... I went through her phone one night which is something I had never done before nor do I even believe in doing, and there it was in black and white, texts from him telling the details of their relationship. Nothing too bad I suppose but I understood the severity of what I was reading. And to top it all off, he was married with a young child. Nice huh? Of course the best friend in me came out and tried to explain to her, if he's cheating on his wife, what makes her think he won't do it again... and again... and again. I don't know if that's ever been driven home to her.

 

So there it is. The bombshell no man or woman ever wants to hear. So to top it off, she says, her 'image' I guess, of a man has changed and I'm not it (physically anyways.) She wants the perverbial bad guy, and well, I'm just not that person. I'm stable and predictable, passionate and caring.

 

Time went by, we finally moved into our house.... FINALLY! And we picked up the best we could, trying our damnedest to move forward. Unfortunately doubt came to rear it's ugly little head yet again. We begin to fall apart. While I truly believe with all my heart she has been honest to this day about what happened in the past, I just can't shake it, my doubts and fears consume me. The idea of another man putting his hands on my wife makes me sick to my stomach. I've always believed no person on this planet could ever love her or respect her more than I do... and I still do. But still, the demons find me at night. My dreams have been taken over by these horrible thoughts and they've all began to bleed into everyday life. We've gone to counciling and marriage enrichment programs, still, I can't get past it. I tell her it's because, no matter what she says, I just don't feel as though she's shown me that she has indeed moved beyond this.

 

But to make this already extremely long story just a little shorter, I went back home around the middle of last year to clear my head and give us both some space. I just couldn't share my bed with stranger anymore. The little girl I had known half my life was gone and I wasn't sure how to deal with it.

 

Six months passed and we reconciled, grabbed the kids and headed back north. Which brings us to now, since we've all been back together, I must say, I'm sad to report, things haven't changed. Or, atleast it doesn't seem so to me. Rest easy knowing we NEVER fight in front of the kids, for their sakes we present a united front. We want them to feel safe and secure, but at night (it's worse on the weekends, when she's off) it's an entirely different story. We're never disrepectful and we don't sling mad, but we cry. She knows I'm hurt. This is tearing her up inside. I can see it in her eyes. But I don't know how to fix it. She loves me, I know that beyond the shadow of a doubt, but still, she wants to have an open marriage of sorts. She tells me she never wants to leave me or find anyone else, that I'm a good husband and father, but that I just don't egnite that fire for her anymore. I mean really, that's all she wants, a good husband, stable home life, kids, family and rough and raunchy roll-in-the-hay with a nameless f*** buddy she can leave in the morning. I woudn't dare go that far as to write it if I didn't think it were true. She herself has said she doesn't want to have a commitment with anyone other than me... for whatever that's worth. I guess to sum it all up, she wants her cake and eat it too...

 

I can't though. I can't just sit idly by knowing that my wife could be out there somewhere getting her jollies off with someone else. As it is now, she's driven so much doubt and self-doubt into me I find myself questioning everything she does, and everything I do. I feel overtaken by all my flaws at times, I'm too this or too that. Not enough of one thing or the other. And I've become a jealous and suspicious person. I can lie to myself easily enough and say I used to never be like this but, I'm sure deep down, I always have been, I must be. It's horrible, if she's a few minutes late home from work or if she has to go back to the office for a few minutes (and it can sincerely be just for a few minutes) I doubt her. I go crazy wondering who she's talking to on the phone, or texting or sending messages to. I HATE FEELING THIS WAY... I HATE IT!

 

No matter what I write at this point will do nothing but further villify and tarnish my wife's image, so I'll leave it at that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I can't share her... I won't. For me it's just asking too much.

 

I suppose all I can do now is cross my fingers and pray. Take refuge in our love for one another...

 

Thank you so much for listening to me rant, I know it was rather long-winded but I at least hope you enjoyed yourself a little. Please feel free to respond to this post or send me a message if you would like any further detail on something I might have missed. I'm sure I left out A LOT of details. I'm kind of scatter-brained.

 

 

Thanks again and take care.

 

Ps. Please forgive the spelling errors.

Edited June 2, 2010 by OneGoodGuy
typo

[Chrome Barracuda]

you did nothing to vilify her, she did that herself. I eould divorce her now its only gonna get worse. she will always find an excuse for sleeping with someone else. she's too immature to be married.

 

She may love you, but she wont and will never be faithful. Who's to say the next time she's deployed she wont find someone else and start to have similar feelings.

 

I always believe that when a person cheats so early in a new marriage, it is a huge red flag. Who's to say it wont happen down the line??? Who's to say that even on your best day she wont find something new for her to do and place the blame on you.

 

I'd rather play the field and be happy than to be married to a woman who's constantly stabbing me in my back.

 

Like i said she's 24 it's only gonna get worse. cut your losses. and have 50% custody. no alimony or child support. but it's your choice.