More baffled now then before

[pnklady]

I have been reading threads for about an hour now and I think I am more confused now then I was when I joined this site.

 

I have been on both ends of the cheating issue. I cheated years ago because I believed he was cheating on me and now he really has cheated on me, but swears that he never did before I did – but that he had only thought about it. (We are 2 of the most dysfunctional people I personally know.)

 

Anyway, when he found out about my affair, I broke all ties with the OM. I burned that bridge. (He was also married.) I have not had ANY contact with him since and if he were to contact me now, I would freak! I think I would call his wife too and tell her and I know I would tell my husband. I am now VERY remorseful for what I did – to my husband and family, to OM’s wife and family, and to myself.

 

What I really don’t understand is WHY would the OP go through the same things all over again? I just can’t comprehend it. Why would they continue to degrade themselves in the same ways over and over again?

 

I guess this site is not where I should be looking for answers. I haven’t seen anything here that has been very helpful – just a lot of enabling.

Edited June 2, 2010 by pnklady

[ladydesigner]

I have been reading threads for about an hour now and I think I am more confused now then I was when I joined this site.

 

I have been on both ends of the cheating issue. I cheated years ago because I believed he was cheating on me and now he really has cheated on me, but swears that he never did before I did – but that he had only thought about it. (We are 2 of the most dysfunctional people I personally know.)

 

Anyway, when he found out about my affair, I broke all ties with the OM. I burned that bridge. (He was also married.) I have not had ANY contact with him since and if he were to contact me now, I would freak! I think I would call his wife too and tell her and I know I would tell my husband. I am now VERY remorseful for what I did – to my husband and family, to OM’s wife and family, and to myself.

 

What I really don’t understand is WHY would the OP go through the same things all over again? I just can’t comprehend it. Why would they continue to degrade themselves in the same ways over and over again?

 

I guess this site is not where I should be looking for answers. I haven’t seen anything here that has been very helpful – just a lot of enabling.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I too am a BS and a WS. Although my H had an A first and then I had a revenge A. It makes no sense. We are dysfunctional as well, but I believe if we can get through this we can get stronger. I believe my M is stronger today than it was before.

 

My revenge A allowed me to level the field so to speak, not right, but I do feel now that I can let go of my H's infidelity. Now we are on even ground. Maybe your H was seeking the same thing. I know it is not the answer, but I am not sure my M would have survived had I not had my A. It's sick it really is. I lost my heart during my A and my integrity.

 

What I realize now is NO AFFAIR IS WORTH IT.

 

Good luck!!!!

[OWoman]

What I really don’t understand is WHY would the OP go through the same things all over again? I just can’t comprehend it. Why would they continue to degrade themselves in the same ways over and over again?

 

People's motivations for engaging in As differ. Some choose As from positions of strength, others from positions of weakness. That shapes the amount of personal power you have within the A, and the extent to which it is an enhancing or a degrading experience for you.

 

Some OW fall in love with their MM, and hope beyond hope for things to work out between them - making it extremely difficult for them to walk away as cleanly as you could, particularly if they are single and have no other R to fling themselves into to try to forget the passion of the A. Some continue to carry a torch for the MM long into NC, and remain vulnerable to his overtures were he just to whisper the right words into their ears... however loudly their minds may tell them that no good will come of this.

 

Often, the break is enforced through discovery of the A long before the A has run its course, leaving the APs with unresolved issues which need closure. For the MP, that closure can come through various rituals like a NC letter, hysterical bonding with the BS, MC and the hard work of recovering a M. For the OP, whose primary R was the A, those rituals are not there - or at least, not there in that form, and with those support systems in place. For many single OPs, they may have kept the A hidden from their usual support system, or may have downplayed the true nature of the R, so that friends and family are bewildered by what they see as a disproportionate reaction to some kind of tiff. Grieving alone can leave a bereft person very vulnerable - particularly to advances from their former loved one.

[Mombot]

He could be having a revenge affair. You did not say how you found out about this.