friend doesn't want me to date

[bolase]

I'm really upset about how things have become with one of my best friends (we're both women, mid twenties). Basically we've been each others' female rock since we moved to the same town together 3 years ago, lived together (with others) for the last year. But she tends to get very jealous whenever something happens between me and any guys. She has been single since I've known her, not out of lack of interest from guys, but basically she is very outgoing but very insecure especially about her body image, and I can imagine very hard for a guy to get close to. The only guy she has seriously liked in this time is one who has a girlfriend (but still flirts with her and blatantly likes her, making it really hard on her).

 

Even though she's doing 'better' than me in some ways, very successful workwise etc while I'm still studying, she can't seem to be happy for me when things go right, or even want to listen to me talk about a guy, even though she'll listen to other girlfriends about their love interests. This really upsets and frankly annoys me - if she's interested in our friendship she should listen to my love issues right? I always listen to hers and love to, same with any of my close friends.

 

Recently (6 weeks) I started seeing a guy who is a mutual friend. He actually used to like her, although in a sexual or romantic way I'm not sure, when we all first met, and aftr that she rejected him a bunch of times and makes fun of him sometimes. Anyway that passed, and 3 years down the line theres been this spark ignite between the guy and I.

She threw a fit when I told her we were dating, saying she didn't want to know about it, and that she was jealous because he used to have a crush on her. She admitted that its nothing ot do with her and she understands Im just following my heart, but still got upset.

 

Last night I said 'can I talk to you about (x) now?' at which she got really defensive, asking why? saying 'why dont you go out with him then? I told her she'd asked me not to talk about it, but she's important to me, as is he, and i wanted ot be open as it was now official. She went quiet, and later said 'just one thing, can you please never bring him over, the thought of you two having sex is gross' etc. I said ''never..?!" and she said, well eventually..She said she doesn't like him, and I reminded her that she rejected him.

 

AHHHH it's so immature and her passive agressiveness is killing me. I HAVE to move out when our lease ends cause I feel like she hates me. I don't know what I can say to ease the tension. Whats worse, I always feel like I have something to make up to her, and I find myself being super nice to her, and not pulling her up on anything she does, even though it's just this wall between us.

 

She is so hot and cold and I take everything personally even when she assures me they are her problems. Which I think they really are! She is just one person..but it sucks that this is the friendship nail coffin..its making me really sad

 

thoughts

[Ronni_W]

My thoughts:

Your friend is over-sensitive (emotionally explosive) and unreasonable.

You've been tip-toeing around her so as not to set off that crate of dynamite that's buried within her psyche.

 

Together, you two make a codependent relationship. You're both acting maladaptively.

 

I get that you've been trying to keep things calm. But, it has been at your own expense. And that is not self-responsible, healthy, self-caring or functional.

 

There's not much you can do about your friend's dysfunctional beliefs, attitudes and behaviours. But, you can make a commitment to yourself that you're going to start doing a better job of honouring your own needs, wants, preferences and goals. In other words, to stop abandoning yourself just so your friend can pretend to be happy and content.

 

Yes, definitely. Move out, or ask her to, as soon as possible. A different option would be to ask her to go to relationship counseling with you. Tell her that your friendship is very important to you, but you two need professional help with making it an equal, mutually encouraging and supportive relationship. Or. To just bring your new love over whenever you want, and let her deal with it. She is an adult, after all.

 

Best of luck.

Edited June 2, 2010 by Ronni_W
added 3rd option

[Fight4Me]

This is very much like what happened between me and my best friend when we were in college. She had a very difficult time being happy for me when it came to love, and when I became engaged to my now husband, she could barely speak to me and when she did, she made it very clear that she believed I was abandoning her. I knew she had insecurities, but never expected THAT.

 

Long story short, it fractured our friendship as she was unable to see past how it all affected her. It was painful, to say the least, but the good news is that we reconnected a few years later after she had received therapy and was happily married herself. She was finally able to apologize and explain what was really going on in her head. I have my friend back, and it is a much healthier relationship, one that is truly give and take.

 

I think moving out is a good idea since she is not capable of supporting you as a true friend should. I would leave the door open for her to make amends, but not engage her at all if she continues to bring you down. Eventually, she'll need to see she needs help with her issues... professional help.

[sally4sara]

Could there be something about this guy that you are unaware of that is making her worried for you? You said he was once interested in her and she didn't reciprocate his advances - is there a reason why? I had a falling out with a friend because of a guy once. I expressed my concerns (he was rude, always trying to isolate her from her friends and family and was hyper racist), but she preferred to believe I was jealous and interested in her despite the fact I knew she was HPV+, did not practice safe sex and would never have wanted to be with her even without those two big turn offs.

 

Which brings me to the other possibility if you know the guy you are seeing is a stand up kind of guy:

 

You say guys make advances at her but she has never been in a relationship with any of them in the entire time you've known her. The only guy she seems to find acceptable is conveniently not available for her to act on her supposed interest. Could she be into women and has just not come to terms with that? Could she be into YOU?

[blueyedgrl85]

I agree with Ronni- You need to move out and move on with your life. Your friendship is toxic. Your friend didn't like the mutual guy friend, but doesn't want anyone else to have him- hence why it upsets her so much that you're dating him and the thought of seeing him over at your place. She sounds possessive, controlling, and manipulative. It's time to get out now or she will continue to make your life miserable.

[bolase]

wow thanks so much for all of your advice, and experiences. I don't think she is into me ALthough she was asked the sexuality question a lot when she went to a family reunion recently, as shes been single awhile, and we laughed about it..Im really sure she is into guys! Just very smart and insecure and doesn't let them get too close. I THINK. Never thought of that before!

 

The instinct in me wants to just bring him over whenever I want to and be adult about it, because it makes me angry that she thinks she can control that, and sad that she can't be happy about it and has to be cold.

 

I did look for a new place today though and think Ive found one which is really close to what I'm looking for, all around I have asked her to have coffee (were both so busy we're hardly home this week) and have a chat about the house in 6 weeks when the lease is up, but she told me she has absolutely no time saturday. I just told her I'd make time so can she let me know, i think a good chat is in order! hope she agrees, I don't know exactly what to say, something along the lines of 'can you support this relationship (with the guy) of mine, because if you can't, neither of us are going to be happy living together.' But I want her to know i'm deciding whats best for me, not still trying to feel guilty about her feelings...

Edited June 3, 2010 by bolase
spellings

[bolase]

and another vent..i love her, but I just want to tell her i'm sick of your ****! and get angry! But I will try to hold that in. I think I am way too nice to her as she's withdrawn from our friendship a lot this year..this is the main thing.

[blueyedgrl85]

"Revenge is a poison meant for others that we swallow ourselves."

 

I know you're hurting and ticked off, but as much as you want to tell her off, it's best not to. If you do you're only sinking to her level and it's not worth it. She is the fool here and if you continue to hold your head high and let it roll off your back, she will continue to be the fool. I know how you feel and have thought the same thing, but success is the best revenge. You deserve better friends and people in your life. It's time to be happy and surround yourself with positive, caring people because you deserve only the best- never settle for less than that. Take care and keep on smiling!

[TaraMaiden]

In a nutshell?

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

You're nice, she's possessive and taking advantage, and controlling you.

 

Decide what you want.

in 60 years time, when you should be married, happy and with grandchildren, is she actually still going to be sabotaging your potential happiness because you keep walking on eggshells....?

[whichwayisup]

Be respectful yet blunt. "I love you, you're one of my bestfriends, but you being hurt and jealous everytime I date a guy, is killing the friendship. Friends are supposed to be supportive and happy for one another when one meets a guy they like and date..Not get upset, jealous and hurt." OR something along those lines. This girl IS insecure and she's going to bring you down, ruin your relationship or any future relationships because she thinks you're doing this to hurt her. She has to realize it's not about her!!

 

Toxic is right.

 

Anyway, friendships change as people change and grow up. Good friendships that are healthy grow continually and the friends grow together, not like what's going on here. She has issues that she needs to deal with and get over. Therapy could help her..

[Not the love ace]

Oh yeah, this is definitely toxic for the both of you. I have a friend who is totally the same way, accept he is a guy. There is no need to tip-toe around her selfishness and immaturity, she HAD a chance three years ago to get with him and she basically acted completely childish with him, treated him like crap and missed out. Now, the tides have turned and you both are into each and that's too bad for her. She has to either deal with it or not be your friend.