iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have a problem. The problem is that I want to have sex with my boyfriend but every time he puts a condom on, he goes soft. He's wayyyy hard beforehand, but when we stop to put the condom on - he loses the moment, it goes soft, and it won't come back. What can we do?
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Think about the activity which arouses him. Continue it while he dons his latex suit. For me that would be sensuous kissing. YMMV. The trick is to remove the focus from the condom. Tease him a bit with fellatio, then nuzzle his neck. Gently bite his nipples. Do what stbx used to do and go 'I need some d!ck, NOW!'
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I do all that. It's incredibly frustrating! For a bit I was wondering if it was me, he says it's not. And for him, I know it's bad. I mean this isn't a once in a while thing. This is EVERY time, it never fails, and I think for him it's embarrassing (I don't hold it against him or anything, either) and is making him insecure and nervous about having sex with me, which is in turn making it worse. But I do that. I've tried putting the condom on for him (he stopped me and made me let him do it), I've tried to redirect the attention and keep him aroused (it didn't work, he lost it anyway.). I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I thought about other types of BC. . .
kassy Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 both of you get tested, check you are all clear, then go on the pill... good luck!
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 While alternative BC is a great idea, if pregnancy is definitely contra-indicated, condoms are a really positive way to achieve that goal with little risk. IMO, the best place to talk about this stuff, and you really need to talk about it, is *outside* the bedroom. Do it matter-of-factly. Ask questions. Listen. Share your preferences and suggestions. True intimacy is a *team* effort. You're in it *together*. So, if you stimulate him orally or manually unprotected, does he orgasm quickly?
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I'm afraid to bring it up. I don't know HOW to bring it up. I'm trying to make it better, not make him feel worse. About the manual/oral question - it depends. Usually, we've been doing a LOT of grinding up against each other and yes, it's kind of quick. I'm only curious, how is that question relevant?
Kamille Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I thought about other types of BC. . . Yes. Do that. It's the obvious answer to your problem. As kassy suggested, go get tested and be done with condoms.
Peter Attis Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Honey, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero!
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 was that sarcasm? we've both been tested. we're clean. I've just found it hard to find a BC method that's agreeable all around. I can't do hormones, condoms are out, sponges are SO expensive, this is such a hard situation.
kassy Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 how about an IUD? (is that what it's called, the copper wire thingy) One of my friends has one because the pill made her go loopy
Kamille Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 how about an IUD? (is that what it's called, the copper wire thingy) One of my friends has one because the pill made her go loopy I have a copper IUD and though insertion hurts like hell, I really like this method. Have you talked to your doctor about alternative birth control methods?
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Honey, you need to dump that zero and get you a hero! Haha, but he IS my hero! He's an AMAZING guy, and even if we're not having sex, he takes care of me I'd never even consider that option, lol.
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I'm only curious, how is that question relevant? It's a gauge of his unprotected sexual response. Often, there is a physical *and* psychological component for the man wrt using condoms as a BC method. My memories seem to recall a combination of distracting from the 'moment', meaning intimacy and arousal, to do the mechanics of condom application, plus some anxiety about everything 'working'. There was also the reduction of sensation, but polyurethane (thinner and more 'sensitive') seemed to mitigate that. The reason I'm staying on point on the condom is because it's an additional insurance *for you* wrt STD's, since male->female is the most common transfer path. I echo other posters suggestions of getting medical opinion on IUD as a long-term BC method if you/he can afford its up-front cost. Talk with him about that. Keep an open dialogue going. You sound like a caring and loving partner so I hope things work out.
kassy Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 really... you wouldn't even consider it... why? So what are you planning on doing then? Have you explored other BC methods with your doctor? poor guy, this is going to scar him for life (and I'm not suggesting at all that it is in anyway your fault, it's unfortunately just one of those things that 'is' without blame on any party)
Els Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 If just a discussion about this is going to 'scar him for life', by the time he's 40 he probably wouldn't have an inch of unscarred space left. I'm sure he's better than that.
DanielMadr Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 It's performance anxiety. Buy thinner condoms, keep lights on, give lot of head, you put condom on and play with his balls and give it a time. He is not comfortable with you yet. It is in his head and he needs to learn not think about it and stress about - nothing with you can help. Just stay sexy, supportive and make no big deal. Put the condom on and continue foreplay...eventually he gets hard. Again...give it time.
Author iheartlavalamps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Daniel: I'm thinking that's my best option here. I'm curious, why are we keeping lights on? I'm fine with it, I'm just curious. I hope you're right. I'm just going to stop trying to have sex and take a step back and see where it goes later. Kassy: No, I won't consider it. I have a negative reaction to pills. I haven't discussed it with my doctor, about alternative means, because the ones that involve a doctor are usually long term, and I'm not looking for long term protection. Carhill: I think you and Daniel are right (I bet you're both guys, too), it's a psychological thing. The other day he made a comment about me finding it elsewhere if I couldn't get it from him. So obviously it bothers him.
Sivok Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Keeping the lights on will help with visual stimulation. If he loves your body, he'll love to see it during intercourse... I know I do! I know alot of guys who have trouble with condoms including myself. I don't have a problem getting hard, but I do have alot of trouble climaxing. Have you two ever had unprotected sex? I'm wondering if it's just the condom or if it's performance anxiety. Another suggestion would be trying some amazing foreplay. put a condom on him before hand, and try giving him a full body erotic massage w/ organic oil and taking over from there (you on top). He should be relaxed enough from the massage that he'll stay hard... Just a wild suggestion
DanielMadr Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) Daniel: I'm thinking that's my best option here. I'm curious, why are we keeping lights on? I'm fine with it, I'm just curious. I hope you're right. I'm just going to stop trying to have sex and take a step back and see where it goes later. Kassy: No, I won't consider it. I have a negative reaction to pills. I haven't discussed it with my doctor, about alternative means, because the ones that involve a doctor are usually long term, and I'm not looking for long term protection. Carhill: I think you and Daniel are right (I bet you're both guys, too), it's a psychological thing. The other day he made a comment about me finding it elsewhere if I couldn't get it from him. So obviously it bothers him. Lights on because we need to see you to get aroused at least it helps. Do as you normally do...if you change your ways especially avoiding sex he will feel uneasy. Make fun of the situation and flatter him. Tell him that of course you miss the penetration BC he has such a perfect penis but he shouldn't push it...his smaller head has it's own ideas. etc. Cuddle....BJ, HJ...and eventually he will be comfortable enough to penetrate. It just takes time....measured in days, weeks max when you do it every day. A little alcohol buzz should help too but it's tricky. Too much and he won't get it up even if he really did not care. He should withold the masturbation....to increase sensitivity and horniness -. Let him explore your body and be intimate with him. No big deal. Act normally. Joke about it but only when it happens not like entertainment for family And enjoy the process. I bet he gives you lot of head too. Edited June 2, 2010 by DanielMadr
Ruby Slippers Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I can't believe that so many people are making this out to be her problem, suggesting she bend over backwards to arouse him, or go on BC that puts all the burden (and pain and hormones and associated crap) on the woman. A man who loses his erection while taking 10 seconds to put on a condom has performance anxiety or some sort of erectile dysfunction. It's his problem to solve. The best thing you can do is be as supportive and understanding as possible while he figures it out. And good for you for not taking on the burden of his problem and making it yours.
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 What I do when looking at issues surrounding intimacy and sex is to immediately switch genders. If my wife was having an arousal issue, how would I react? Would I work with her as a loving partner to solve the issue or would I tell her, 'hey, I got mine, get yours', meaning place the issue squarely on her shoulders without support or compromise? I would like to think a woman, at least a compatible woman, has a similar mindset. We're a team and deal with our intimate and sexual life as a team. OP, what would you say your BF's perspective is about this? Does he communicate his frustrations wrt his arousal style to you and solicit feedback? Encourage this. Get it out there and work it. He has his part too. *Communication*. If you're having sex, you can communicate about sex. Do it. Good luck
candymoon Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I did not read every single post so sorry if I repeat. Do NOT attempt an IUD unless you've carried a child to term. The IUD is intended for women who have already been pregnant and given birth. This goes for BOTH the copper T and the Mirena, which is a polymer with progestrone. Otherwise you risk pelvic inflammatory disease and sterility--even hospitalization and death due to severe infection. Run from a doctor who even suggests he will implant this into your body before you've had your first child--and report him/her to their prospective medical board. There are other types of condoms to try: the Poly ones and the lambskins. Beware the lambs cost a grip and do not protect against STDs--only pregnancy. They are very porous (and STINK). Other female methods are the diaphragm, the cervical cap, and the weird looking female condom--these are the nonhormone options (can't blame you). And I agree that it is his prob to deal with. You shouldnt have to go on BC that could possibly give you a stroke just because he can't keep it up. If you havent already, bring it up (ha-ha) to him outside of a sexually tense moment. Over dinner or something... Also, has he had a drink or smoke weed or something like that before hand? sometimes those things can make an erection disappear when all the attention isnt there... (ie, when putting the rubber on)?
Knittress Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) I don't approve of the scare tactics - modern IUDs are rather safe. I love mine and I've had it for three years. But there are risks with everything, even 'conventional' birth control. PS - I got mine free through planned parenthood. You should see if they offer anything similar in your area. Edited June 2, 2010 by Knittress
candymoon Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 There's no scare tactics here. I have an IUD too, but I've birthed a child. IUDs are contraindicated for women who have not carried a fetus to term. It's in the package insert as well as on the manufacters' website. The bad reactions and side effects I mentioned can occur when they are implanted into nulliparous women. As others are saying, it's in his head anyways. Would be best if they got to the psychological bottom of it regardless, becasue the problem will manifest itself differently at other times. Perhaps she DOES go on BC, if he's still feelin insecure or whatever, it could go soft in the middle of intercourse for no obvious reasons. That would really bite.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Exactly. There's a thread in the sex forum where many women who have not had children discuss the extreme pain of IUD insertion. Performance anxiety is just one form of anxiety/fear that can come out in many other ways. And it's his problem to solve. No one can solve it but him. All she can do is be as supportive and understanding as possible. But it might not ever improve, which would mean she would be facing a debilitated sex life with this man. I wouldn't be in a sexual relationship with a man with ongoing erectile dysfunction. Friends, yes. Lovers, no.
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