lovebubble Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 i'm a week into finding out about my husbands infidelity. i'm in total shock and completely broken.. and so confused. is it normal to feel completely responsible for your spouses affair? part of me believes that this is some sort of bad karma. we've had problems since day one. we've lied to eachother, i've pushed him away with my anger issues.. we both have horrible control issues, and his self esteem is very low. i've been very physical towards him, as well. i thought our marriage was a mess.. until infidelity came into play. now i just don't know if it's worth saving. i want to, so bad, but i'm so angry.. and i don't know how to get better mentally, as to even attempt to save the marriage. trust me, i tried.. and i referenced everything back to the cheating. i just can't get over it. he deployed to afghanistan on january 9th of this year. we argued up until the last 5 mins of him leaving. about 4 months into his deployment, i met a guy. i was very lonely, and very dissapointed in my marriage.. which is no excuse but, i was in a very bad place mentally when i met him. i don't think i cared about my marriage nearly as much as i should have cared. we met, exchanged numbers, and hung out the following weekend. i drove an hr to visit him, and we ended up playing a card game that involved stripping naked, and we made out. i can honestly say we would have probably had sex, if it wasn't that time of the month for me. after that night, i felt bad.. he called a few times and i told him that that was a mistake and that i was trying to work it out with my husband. that was the first time in my marriage that i ever went to that extent with another man. a week later, in the midst of an argument, i was so angry with him that i confessed what i had done. in some sort of twisted way, i thought that if he thought he was close to losing me, he'd care more. i later found out that telling him that had backfired on me. i guessed his email password and the things that i read completely broke my heart. reading these emails, i couldn't even believe that it was my husband talking the way that he was. he emailed a fellow military friend about work. his friend replied, and asked '' so, how many girls have you had sex with?? ''. my husband replied by telling him that he had a '' airforce deployment wife ''.. a caucasian female, went into detail about how they were forced to spend the night together and he got a day off of work for being the first guy to get laid while deployed. he then went on to tell his friend that he was '' no longer a virgin to anal.. '' and that he did it twice with the girl he's having sex with. the whole time his friend talked about how he's being stationed elsewhere.. and he's going to have sex with every private that he sees.. also, that he's having an afair with a girl at work and willing to send my husband pictures of the girl. caught red handed right? well, my husband claims that he took a small truth.. and stretched it into a big lie.. all to '' look cool ''. he says that yes, there was a girl and that he did attempt to have sex with her.. but that he was completely drunk, and could not get aroused in order to perform. i emailed the girl and instant messaged her twice, we had long convos.. where she explained to me that he didn't tell her that he was married, that he spoke about his failing '' relationship '' the whole time and that he told her that he was going to get completely drunk that night.. which is what supposidly happened. she maintains the story that they couldn't have sex, that he couldnt get aroused, and that it was a one time thing.. they both discussed what a mistake it was, and it was never an affair. his email was pretty much an open book, obviously, and there was one email from her.. it was a picture of her blowing a kiss. i also found an email of him sending a girl naked pictures of himself. i got her phone number from an email she sent him through her phone and called her. she says that it was never sexual, they spoke through work, and that he sent her the naked pictures asking if she thought he was good enough, if he was small, avrg, or large. that part broke my heart, because when i'm angry.. a lot of times, i have put him down about his sexual performance. now he's begging me to give him another try.. promising me a lifetime of happyness if i just give him one more change.. he'll never make this mistake again.. he says he wants to do counseling and that we'll be on a phone plan together.. that our marriage will be an open book, no more secrets.. passwords, ect. is it worth a shot? i want to try again but, i don't know if i can let it go. did i cause him to do this? i've made mistakes as well.. and feel like a hypocrit for being so angry with him but, i can't stop feeling angry.
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 You two have a very unhealthy dynamic and I do wonder if the marriage is worth saving...? Do you love your H, I mean truly love him, enough to get counselling, with him and apart? Marriage counseling is a MUST here (once he gets back) otherwise this mistrust, the lies, the cheating will just go on. Not only for him, but for you as well.. Another man might catch your eye since you're lonely and having marital issues. Be honest and talk to your husband.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Be the change you wish to see in the relationship! Give it a shot before you walk away. Get to MC to see if all the past hurts can be forgiven and laid to rest. Right now, you guys are toxic to each other. Stop the control and power plays. Is it possible you are both looking for the same thing? Love, respect and compassion? Then give up the score-keeping, the tit for tat retaliation tactics, the total disrespect of each other's feelings. Want kindness? BE KIND! Want respect? BE RESPECTFUL! Want consideration? BE CONSIDERATE! Want attention? BE ATTENTIVE! And if over time you find you cannot give up the anger and resentment, with BOTH OF YOU trying hard then just set each other free and walk away. Good luck to you.
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