turnstone Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 The 'exposure' thread got me thinking....... In addition to the BS exposing the affair, sometimes the WS will do the same, although I think that's worth taking with a pinch of salt. My exH actually told his son (from his first marriage) and his father (his mother had died a while back) exactly why I had left him. No holds barred, he even told them about the STD he gave me. On the surface it seems like he couldn't have taken a bigger step to proving how honest he was prepared to be, but thinking about it its actually the easiest thing he could have done, who better to forgive his indiscretions and still love him but his own flesh and blood? Besides, I suspect his father had a large hand in shaping my exH and his values when it comes to being a husband and I also suspect my exH has helped shape his son in turn. So neither of them were going to see having affairs as quite the deal breaker as I do. So there was no risk, no self-sacrifice in letting them see his failings. What has been your experience as a BS with your WS coming clean?
OWoman Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 The 'exposure' thread got me thinking....... In addition to the BS exposing the affair, sometimes the WS will do the same, although I think that's worth taking with a pinch of salt. My exH actually told his son (from his first marriage) and his father (his mother had died a while back) exactly why I had left him. No holds barred, he even told them about the STD he gave me. My H also told his family about the A (during the A), including his kids (teens). It was part of his prepping to leave the M - he wanted everyone to know what the situation was, why he was leaving, what his plans were for the future. He was also brutally honest - IC had given him perspectives he'd not had before - and did not attempt to shift blame or duck responsibility. Their support was overwhelming, and crucial to helping him get through what he needed to do next. It sounds as if your xH told his family in the same spirit - to come clean with them about why things got to where they got to, and to engage their support for what lay ahead.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 My fWS wrote our children a letter. It spoke of his depression and absolved me of all blame in his choice to have an affair. It was a step, of many, that was necessary in healing his relationship with them. It took courage to do so and I told him that. He also informed his boss and two other senior execs when a potential issue ariose at work that could have ramifications for us. (his fOW was a work-place colleague.) But there were others, closer to the affair, who knew or suspected, like a close friends of ours and his sister, that he has not had the courage to speak with. Why? Deeply ashamed. And I think that is a common characteristic of many who cheat: Poor communicators and great conflict avoiders. Plus, as an aside, my oldest daughter has convinced me that she believes her father wanted to get caught. In retrospect, I think she is correct.
bentnotbroken Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I have to be honest here. I don't think telling his family was all that easy. Admitting that you are a douche can't be easy no matter who you are telling. From what I understand, a WS telling is part of confronting themselves and their actions. It is an acknowledgement of poor thought processes and/or preparation for the next step. While I agree that our parents have a major impact on our future choices (good or bad) supporting a WS doesn't mean condoning his actions. My in laws love their son, I wouldn't expect anything less, but they did not condone his behavior during or since the affair. Support doesn't always come in the form of roses and honey, but in guiding and insisting on a better standard of living. I don't know if that is the case in your situation, but it is a possibility.
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 The 'exposure' thread got me thinking....... In addition to the BS exposing the affair, sometimes the WS will do the same, although I think that's worth taking with a pinch of salt. My exH actually told his son (from his first marriage) and his father (his mother had died a while back) exactly why I had left him. No holds barred, he even told them about the STD he gave me. On the surface it seems like he couldn't have taken a bigger step to proving how honest he was prepared to be, but thinking about it its actually the easiest thing he could have done, who better to forgive his indiscretions and still love him but his own flesh and blood? Besides, I suspect his father had a large hand in shaping my exH and his values when it comes to being a husband and I also suspect my exH has helped shape his son in turn. So neither of them were going to see having affairs as quite the deal breaker as I do. So there was no risk, no self-sacrifice in letting them see his failings. What has been your experience as a BS with your WS coming clean? Interesting story because I had a completely different experience. After my H confessed to me, he told his parents and brother. They were not at all supportive of his choice and this was not any surprise to me. They are religious and very 'old school.' In fact (long story) I spent some time immediately after d-day in their home by myself-without my H-with their loving support. They loved their son/brother, my H, but there was no way they could condone what he had done. I believe my H was trying to make things right; to regain some integrity by confessing what he had done--first to me and then to his family who he loved and deeply respected. I still maintain that is not so much the mistakes that we make but how we try to atone for our mistakes that determines our integrity.
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I have to be honest here. I don't think telling his family was all that easy. Admitting that you are a douche can't be easy no matter who you are telling. From what I understand, a WS telling is part of confronting themselves and their actions. It is an acknowledgement of poor thought processes and/or preparation for the next step. While I agree that our parents have a major impact on our future choices (good or bad) supporting a WS doesn't mean condoning his actions. My in laws love their son, I wouldn't expect anything less, but they did not condone his behavior during or since the affair. Support doesn't always come in the form of roses and honey, but in guiding and insisting on a better standard of living. I don't know if that is the case in your situation, but it is a possibility. Amen to this! Thanks for writing this, BNB. It closely mirrors my own situation and what I was trying to explain above.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I think the title "The WS's honesty" is an oxymoron.
freestyle Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 I still maintain that is not so much the mistakes that we make but how we try to atone for our mistakes that determines our integrity. I vote for this to go on the "Quote of the Week" board. Excellent insight, SF.
Fight4Me Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Interesting story because I had a completely different experience. After my H confessed to me, he told his parents and brother. They were not at all supportive of his choice and this was not any surprise to me. They are religious and very 'old school.' In fact (long story) I spent some time immediately after d-day in their home by myself-without my H-with their loving support. They loved their son/brother, my H, but there was no way they could condone what he had done. I believe my H was trying to make things right; to regain some integrity by confessing what he had done--first to me and then to his family who he loved and deeply respected. I still maintain that is not so much the mistakes that we make but how we try to atone for our mistakes that determines our integrity. My fWH also told his family. It was always understood that if something should happen within the marriage, I would continue to always be part of the family. In fact, it has been an ongoing joke that he'd be written out of the will. Joking aside, he knew that telling them about the A was not going to be pleasant, and there was a part of me that felt bad for him. Of course they love their son, but there was no coddling when it came to his actions. As expected, they rallied around me and my MIL in particular became my shoulder to cry on. As for our children, he left the decision ultimately to me, but we both agreed that it was best not to tell them. We sat them down and explained we were seeking help from our church for some marriage issues, but didn't see a reason to bring up the details since we had committed to reconciliation. We've agreed that there may come a time, god forbid, should they go through something similar, where the wisdom gleaned from our experience may be useful to them. But it serves no purpose at this time for us. He did, however, apologize to them for being selfish and that he hadn't been loving me as "Christ loves His Church," etc., and they have made many comments about how much Dad has changed over the last year. Many of our friends who have no clue have also said the same thing, so it has actually been helpful to me to get outside confirmation on what I've seen and experienced myself. Amen on that last line, btw. Amen!
Snowflower Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 [/b] I vote for this to go on the "Quote of the Week" board. Excellent insight, SF. LOL! Seriously though, it is how you (general you) look at things that make a lot difference. Should I focus on the negative (my H had an affair and hurt me so badly I could hardly stand it at times) or the positive (my H had an affair but is trying very hard to learn from his bad decision and make it right). In a nutshell, what he did was BAD, but it could have been so much worse. I read about it here on LS all the time. I'm prone to negative thinking, I really am--but I've tried to concentrate on the positive--too much negativity is harmful, obviously.
Author turnstone Posted June 7, 2010 Author Posted June 7, 2010 I think the title "The WS's honesty" is an oxymoron. Which is why I put the word honesty into quotation marks. It was obviously too subtle for some. Back on topic, thanks to those BS who responded. Again, I think our differing experiences have a lot to do with the different characters our WS/exWS have and the different motivations they have for having affairs. Maybe this example of disclosure demonstrates how arrogant my exH actually is, that he told his father and son with no fear or thought that they would treat him any differently.
califnan Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 Let these men confess to the hilltops that they are in love with and taking another ... It's not over until well after the fat lady sings.. The confession is but a stepping stone in the lives of their offspring .. by the time some of these OW get finished taking their MM - H to the cleaners.. My sons were victimized, and I am in the midst of counseling another family who is now being victimized ..........and By the Same Woman ..
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