Amazing What "Love" Does

[theodora]

Hi there

 

I've been looking at this forum, reading posts and things. Seems like a pretty wise bunch on here so I'm hoping there might be some helpful words for me...

 

So. I'm involved with a MM. It will be a year this month (June).

 

He has told me from the very beginning that he'll never leave his wife.

 

We live in the same small town and we met at work, but we don't work together now. I'm 24. There's a big age gap between us and he says it wouldn't work between us long-term and he's too old for me. No one knows about us, and we both work REAL hard to keep it that way.

 

The sex is sooooo unbelievably hot. And he's so lovely to me (i kno he's having his cake and eating it!! lol but he really does treat me so good compared to other dudes I've been with)

 

But am I just fooling myself that I'm not attached to him? And is this relationship harming my chances of meeting "The One"?

 

Sorry for this weird post. I guess I'm just reaching out to make contact with some folks who won't judge me. I know it's bad and taboo and all. But for some reason - I "know" it...but I don't "feel" it.

 

When I think about his W I do feel guilty. But I know he's done it to her b4, and she chose to stick with him. So I guess I tell myself it's her choice. She must accept that part of him. Right? so there marriage is strong, Actually.

 

I don't want him to leave her. Except in my fantasy. If he really did it, I kno I'd run a mile! I just feel so confused by the whole thing...how can our relationship be this loving, this supportive, this sexy, this connected...and at the same time be so wrong and so DOOMED?????

 

Help!

 

Lou

[pureinheart]

Welcome to LS! I don't have too much advice, although please keep in mind what is right for you.

 

It sounds like you are going to be second, maybe not, although your gut will tell you this...is this what you want in life...is this what's best for you?

 

Glad you found LS...

[Yamaha]

But am I just fooling myself that I'm not attached to him?

 

The sex is sooooo unbelievably hot

I think your way attached.

 

And is this relationship harming my chances of meeting "The One"?

I don't know. Have you dated anybody for a year?

If not then I would say, YES.

[reboot]

Personal opinions on your situation aside, I suppose as long as you're happy to be playing second fiddle to his wife there's not much in the way of advice we can offer, other than try not to fall for him. He's already said he's not leaving his wife. You may find this easier said than done.

[norajane]

But am I just fooling myself that I'm not attached to him?

Leave him. End the relationship. Now.

 

 

No? You don't want to? You can't see yourself doing it? The thought upsets you? Wild horses couldn't make you leave him now? Then, yes, you are already too attached.

 

And is this relationship harming my chances of meeting "The One"?

Of course it is. You're not meeting anyone while you're dating him, much less 'the one". And even if you were meeting people and dating, you are so attached that no one else could ever have a chance of developing a relationship with you that is loving, supportive, and with sex that is sooooooo unbelievably hot. You've already given your heart away - no one else will be able to get near your heart under the circumstances.

 

This relationship is also teaching you to accept less than everything, to be less important than another man's wife, to ask for less than to be a man's only woman, to share a man with another woman, that your needs are less important than HIS needs. If you don't think learning to accept less will affect all of your relationships in the future, you are wrong. You won't even be able to recognize "the one" when he does come along in the future, long after this affair is over. You'll just keep falling for people who won't give you everything, because you've accepted that some guy's needs are more important than your own. You'll have learned to expect coming in second or third in a man's life.

Edited June 2, 2010 by norajane

[bentnotbroken]

If you don't feel it's wrong....what's the problem? You aren't looking for a real man, just a sex toy with perks. Sounds like you have exactly what you want. Remember though, what you throw out there, you have to eventually pick up again and usually it is just a tad bit more than you laid down.

[Mombot]

Question: If you did meet someone else, hot young single guy, would you still see the MM? Have a relationship crossover, have great sex with MM until new guy says, see only me?

[whichwayisup]

How much older is he than you?

 

This guy is robbing you of another relationship, one that you truly could fall inlove and have it go somewhere. Bottomline is, you ARE emotionally attached and that will just continue to get deeper as time goes on. He atleast is honest and has told you he has no plans on leaving his wife. To him, it's an affair. No hopes/expectations of anything.

 

One thing to think about. Your family, and friends. Here you have a guy that you love, but can NEVER bring home to meet everybody. No family functions, no holidays, bday parties, weddings, parties, whatever.. He is a secret, not because of his age but because he's married. You are missing out by staying with him.

 

He's built a life with his wife, middle aged and you're just starting out in life.

 

No good can come of this in the long run. You will get hurt eventually, and even more so when/if his wife finds out the truth. Are you ready to face her if she comes looking for you?

[Lovelybird]

There are girls who love the spotlight, there are girls who like to hide in the shadow, fear to be in the spotlight. I think you are the second kind of girl because you don't believe you deserve the spotlight, and fear in the spotlight. You may fear intimacy and commitment that kind of things.

 

This man may treat you better than those men you dated, but not enough, I think you will evolve. There are relationships that are loving, supportive, sexy, connected, yet right, and not doomed. This should be your goal.

[califnan]

If he treats you better ... you are more infatuated with him.. he is sweeter, more considerate, more communicative, more handsome than others .. It just says that the others out there need Improvement.. It doesn't mean he is the one.. It means you are not being true to Yourself..

[theodora]

Wow. Thanks everyone. All of these posts are just amazing. In answer to the question, he's nearly 30 years older. It is a big age gap I kno. And I think it's true that the others haven't been good, and that's what makes him seem better. I just struggle to believe that there's someone out there who will truly love me and accept me and make me feel the way he does. Though, having said that,it's true that my needs take second place. I don't think this relationship will make me belive that in future...I think I already believe it!! Wish I didn't but guess its just the way things have always seemed to me. Family, previous bfs etc. I just for some reason have that expectation of a relationship and at least in this situation I feel like it's...explainable.

 

Anyways, thank you all so so so much. Reading all these has made me feel clearer. I know I need to end it. I know I do. I think that's what I'm looking to remind myself of. I know I need to hurt my heart, I'm just putting it off because....I know it's gonna hurt so much .............

[seren]

Theodora. Just my opinion, but I think that anyone who treats you as second best just isn't worth the time and effort. You know he isn't leaving and as much as I abhor A's, I can see that it must be pretty exciting and that you are enjoying his company. If you are happy with that, and only that, then you have your answer. My advice is to guard your heart.

[theodora]

Also....sorry to go on but I think one of the thing that makes me terrified to end it and sorry if this is REAL dark but...I don't really have a relationship with my dad. He's got this wife who he adores and doesn't have eyes for anyone else. And in some kind of weird way I think my MM has sort of become my Dad too. And his W has become my Dad's wife!

 

MM looks out for me, and I feel protected, he's always on my side, I tell him stuff and he gives me advice and all that attention which i never got off my father I feel like I'm getting now even when it's negative attention it still feels good.

 

And try telling the part of me that's spent my whole life wanting a relationship with an older man that she has to give it up becaus it's bad for her: she doesn't believe you!!! She doesn't care!!! She just wants to hold onto him now she's found him. And in a way I reckon that's why I don't care about HER because in my imagination she's my Dad's other woman and I'm getting my revenge on her. Sick, right?

[bentnotbroken]

Also....sorry to go on but I think one of the thing that makes me terrified to end it and sorry if this is REAL dark but...I don't really have a relationship with my dad. He's got this wife who he adores and doesn't have eyes for anyone else. And in some kind of weird way I think my MM has sort of become my Dad too. And his W has become my Dad's wife!

 

MM looks out for me, and I feel protected, he's always on my side, I tell him stuff and he gives me advice and all that attention which i never got off my father I feel like I'm getting now even when it's negative attention it still feels good.

 

And try telling the part of me that's spent my whole life wanting a relationship with an older man that she has to give it up becaus it's bad for her: she doesn't believe you!!! She doesn't care!!! She just wants to hold onto him now she's found him. And in a way I reckon that's why I don't care about HER because in my imagination she's my Dad's other woman and I'm getting my revenge on her. Sick, right?

 

 

Maybe sick, but a very real problem that if you don't deal with it, you will see it re-occur in your life over and over again. That's going to mean misery. Having you considered counseling to work through these issues.

[ADF]

Of course you're getting attached, and of course this relationship is going to keep you from meeting others, at least so long as it lasts. Moreover, any man who found out you had an affair with a MM may well reject you. He'll probably figure that you have a cavalier attitude towards infidelity and say, "no thanks."

[skywriter]

Maybe you should consider lessening contact gradually with this MM.

 

Try to find something that makes you feel good about yourself to keep your mind occupied when you aren't seeing him.

 

Maybe find a girlfriend to walk with every evening or some type volunteer work to do.

 

Just stop making him a priority. If you don't , you're in for alot of reality checks. You aren't his priority and it hurts to find this out the hard way. Birthdays, anniverseries, surgeries even, just emergencies in general. Vacations and so forth. Reality bites.

 

You seem very young and impressionable, as if he mandates the rules of the A and you just go along for the sake of not rocking the boat. This way he can take advantage of your lack of experience and end it on his terms.

 

You need to take back some power here.

[MorningCoffee]

In answer to the question, he's nearly 30 years older. It is a big age gap I kno. And I think it's true that the others haven't been good, and that's what makes him seem better.

 

I was the OM (and single) to a MW who was more than 25 years my junior. . . . so I am familiar with the age gap. That was partly how I always knew that, no matter what she might ultimately decide about leaving or staying in her own M, and no matter what we might whisper to each other when we were together, there was realistically no chance we would ever even get to experience a boyfriend-girlfriend R, let alone anything more.

 

Still, as pain-filled as it came to be as I fell deeper in love, from my experience I would suggest that what you can hopefully take from this R are the aspects that made being with this older, more experienced guy "better" for you than the others. Really think about what those aspects are, and incorporate them into your must-haves for the next relationship. Hopefully you will find them with someone who will be more available to you.

[jthorne]

Maybe you should consider lessening contact gradually with this MM.

 

Try to find something that makes you feel good about yourself to keep your mind occupied when you aren't seeing him.

 

Maybe find a girlfriend to walk with every evening or some type volunteer work to do.

 

Just stop making him a priority. If you don't , you're in for alot of reality checks. You aren't his priority and it hurts to find this out the hard way. Birthdays, anniverseries, surgeries even, just emergencies in general. Vacations and so forth. Reality bites.

 

You seem very young and impressionable, as if he mandates the rules of the A and you just go along for the sake of not rocking the boat. This way he can take advantage of your lack of experience and end it on his terms.

 

You need to take back some power here.

I agree wholeheartedly here. Plus, if he's that much older than you, it won't be long before he'll need those little blue pills. That gets real boring real fast.

 

You're young. Young enough to find a nice single man. This guy is keeping you from doing that. And if you ever want children, he is also keeping you from that.

 

Get some counseling for your Daddy issues. You shouldn't be having sex with any father figure. Get out and live your life. Don't wait around for this guy, it'll just end in heartache.

[ladydesigner]

I agree wholeheartedly here. Plus, if he's that much older than you, it won't be long before he'll need those little blue pills. That gets real boring real fast.

 

You're young. Young enough to find a nice single man. This guy is keeping you from doing that. And if you ever want children, he is also keeping you from that.

 

Get some counseling for your Daddy issues. You shouldn't be having sex with any father figure. Get out and live your life. Don't wait around for this guy, it'll just end in heartache.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao: LMAO

[theodora]

Thanks guys, much appreciated again. All these points are so right. I feel like such a loser that I can't just move on and remove myself from this situation

 

Morning coffee why did you kno you could never be real bf and gf? Don't some age gap relationships work out?

 

This whole situation is just making me so sad.

[MorningCoffee]

Morning coffee why did you kno you could never be real bf and gf? Don't some age gap relationships work out?

 

Some do, definitely. A distant cousin married a guy way older than her parents, and the marriage lasted for 40 years till he died in his 90s. But neither had children.

 

For us, I too was older than her parents, and she had a very young child. As we got more involved to the point where we started actually looking at a future, she just didn't think she could ever be comfortable with me in that setting. ("I could never take you home to my parents. OMG!") Didn't bother me, but I guess she had "issues" with them.

 

(Oh, and that little blue pill remark someone made? Forget it -- totally unnecessary for many of us boomers -- just need the right partner and the sparks not only fly, but they fly for a loonnnggg time because we last longer than we could when we were young studly's. LOL)

Edited June 7, 2010 by MorningCoffee