After 2 years broke NC: interesting result

[whichwayisup]

6) It is becoming a different type of relationship than I have ever had but one I really like. There are things like envy on my part from not being able to really have her in my life but no desire for a full on affair either.

You both are extremely selfish. Each of you have basically thrown out 2 years worth of NC, all that work YOU have done to repair your marriage, regain your wife's love, trust and faith again has been wiped out. WHEN your wife and her husband find out that you two are 'friends' again, all that you've done in 2 years will be gone! And - you can justify it and lie to yourself all you want about it NOT being an affair, but it IS one - AN EA and it IS damaging to your marriage and what you feel for your wife. Maybe you aren't sexually thinking or wanting the OW, but she is on your mind, you care for her and you DO have feelings for her which now will continue to grow thanks to this hidden secret you have by seeing her again and it WILL interfer for what you feel for your wife. Bank on that.

 

Anyway, I am disappointed (not that it matters) that you've "chosen" this path and opened the door to have this OW back in your life. You have noone blame but yourself when your wife finds out, and divorces you immediately. If you were my H that is exactly what I'd do because what you're doing is almost as bad as cheating. YOU ARE KNOWINGLY and SELFISHLY LYING every day to your wife.

[Jilly Bean]

Perfect example of a former cheater who is supposedly re-committed to his marriage post-affair. lol

 

This is what BS's don't seem to get. Once they cheat, they will do it again. Here is the OP admitting he won't tell his wife he's in contact with the OW. Oy.

 

Good luck, OP. You're about a month away from having sex with her again, and starting things up.

[NoIDidn't]

Perfect example of a former cheater who is supposedly re-committed to his marriage post-affair. lol

 

This is what BS's don't seem to get. Once they cheat, they will do it again. Here is the OP admitting he won't tell his wife he's in contact with the OW. Oy.

 

Good luck, OP. You're about a month away from having sex with her again, and starting things up.

 

I wouldn't assume that because some *former* cheaters return to their dung, that all do it. Doesn't sound like PKN EVER committed to his marriage - view the previous posts.

 

I don't even give them a month. By the end of this *holiday* weekend, they'll find some way to break their NEW EA rules of no non-work contact.

 

The excuses people make for piss poor behavior always surprises me. I don't *do* excuses.

[Jilly Bean]

Doesn't sound like PKN EVER committed to his marriage - view the previous posts.

 

Oh, I bet his wife would argue that with you...

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, I bet his wife would argue that with you...

 

You might be right. But I wonder if she ever knew he cheated in the first place.

[Jilly Bean]

You might be right. But I wonder if she ever knew he cheated in the first place.

 

Good point, but I think I surmised this from his post about how they were both not telling their spouses they were back in contact. It made me think there was mention of them before that required hiding at this point.

[pkn06002]

Pre-face to the comments below since some of them are rather defensive. I am in a pissed off mood from dealing with my wife and our relationship today. So not a good day to really be discussing the enjoyment i get from having contact with the OW again, since that does bring a bit of joy into my otherwise pissy and stressful life.

 

1) Yes wife knew I cheated I told her. The OW had the D-Day

 

2) I tried to recommit but really hard when the other side does not help to address the issues in the marriage. Instead she addressed the emergency then once she felt it was past back to old habits. I tried for over a year with the fake it till you make it idea. Even the love is actions not feelings blah blah blah... Sad when even the MC says your wife is not putting in the needed effort to save the marriage. I was tried to follow the WS plan for recommitting got me nothing but back to where I was pre-affair. (Not justification just the facts here)

 

3) whichwayisup - Yes agreed an EA but funny how I have no interested in the complication of a full on affair. I enjoy the OW's company, yes she is an emotional connection with me. One that is different since it is not tied the physical part of our relationship, which is very odd. Like most men I connect love with physical acts except when it comes to her. I loved the physical part of our old relationship but it was a whole lot of work and something I don't want to do again unless I did end up with her. Sharing her before did not bother me, but now that thought bugs me to no end so no desire for it.

 

4) Wasting 2 years of NC maybe. From talking to her I never left her mind just as she never left mine. So not really sure how effective NC was in all of this. The pain went away after 8 months but the feelings never did, matter of fact they just changed and became deeper over the time.

 

5) NoIDidn't your right stupid actions, no justification.

 

6) Bill Jean your post about cheating again is interesting by the fact this particular woman is the only one that pulls me in that direction. Which is a fine reason for NC to take away the temptation. But if competition has to be removed for my wife to truly complete how is that not just settling?

 

7) For those that soon will say just divorce and let your wife free. Looked into to can't afford it. Maybe that will change I don't know. Have a child who I want to see everyday. Maybe this all blows up and that happens anyway, I will deal with it then.

[NoIDidn't]

Good point, but I think I surmised this from his post about how they were both not telling their spouses they were back in contact. It made me think there was mention of them before that required hiding at this point.

 

 

Another good point. Maybe PKN isn't telling his W because she never knew the first time.

 

PKN, sorry for the off-topic convo. I still think you are acting like a kid that was burned touching the stove, but went back to touch it again with the same effect.

[pkn06002]

PKN, sorry for the off-topic convo. I still think you are acting like a kid that was burned touching the stove, but went back to touch it again with the same effect.

 

Good analogy can't argue with it.

 

What the effect will be this time around I don't know. It is all very confusing and am very much out of my element in all of it.

 

But I am happy with the friendship that yes is no "just friends" and never can be. I will admit the "just friends" ship sailed long ago.

[Jilly Bean]

PK - can you admit that you are highly likely to re-enter an affair with her?

 

I was pretty convinced of it before your last post, but since reading that, I give you a very small chance of NOT getting involved with her again.

 

Agreed?

 

And how do you think it will pan out this time?

[tami-chan]

Ahh...an EA....PKN...why do this? You know this can't be good...

[pkn06002]

PK - can you admit that you are highly likely to re-enter an affair with her?

 

trying not to which was the original intent of the thread. Like I posted above for a full blown affair no interest. I have possession issues now that I did not have before. Was very easy to share when I keep emotions in check but that horse is out of the barn and can't do that now.

 

I was pretty convinced of it before your last post, but since reading that, I give you a very small chance of NOT getting involved with her again.

 

Agreed?

 

And how do you think it will pan out this time?

 

Already involved but it is all emotional, which I will admit is more damaging than the PA was. Sex is easy to find but a true emotional connection is not, this one is leagues outside of any I have had before.

 

I figure it will pan out in heart break again sometime in the next few months with a repeat of what is happening now sometime in the future. Repeated until once of us says to stop and truly enforces the NC by shear will

[Jilly Bean]

I figure it will pan out in heart break again sometime in the next few months with a repeat of what is happening now sometime in the future. Repeated until once of us says to stop and truly enforces the NC by shear will

 

Yes, I agree.

 

Do you think it's smart to try and find a job elsewhere? I just think this is going to blow up for both of you, and it will be worse than last time, since you work together now.

 

Totally sucks. I'm not a fan of people having affairs, so it's sad to hear how you connect with her, yet stay in an unfulfilling marriage. I know a lot of people do it, but to me, we only get one life. Seems like a wretched way to live it...

 

Blessed be, PK.

[Silly_Girl]

7) For those that soon will say just divorce and let your wife free. Looked into to can't afford it. Maybe that will change I don't know. Have a child who I want to see everyday. Maybe this all blows up and that happens anyway, I will deal with it then.

 

I think it's worth considering what might happen to your situation when someone finds out, and your wife decides to divorce you and bitterness ensues in a big way. You could end up in a far more difficult situation with regards your little'un, money, everything in fact. I know it's hard to deal with these things dispassionately but it looks to me like you're walking in to a disaster and there's a lot you need to think about first. Maybe you could make a note of some possible outcomes (good and bad) and track back from there because this could get messy

[BB07]

trying not to which was the original intent of the thread. Like I posted above for a full blown affair no interest. I have possession issues now that I did not have before. Was very easy to share when I keep emotions in check but that horse is out of the barn and can't do that now.

 

 

 

Already involved but it is all emotional, which I will admit is more damaging than the PA was. Sex is easy to find but a true emotional connection is not, this one is leagues outside of any I have had before.

 

I figure it will pan out in heart break again sometime in the next few months with a repeat of what is happening now sometime in the future. Repeated until once of us says to stop and truly enforces the NC by shear will

 

From your posting, it sounds like you have the attitude of......well if it blows it blows. Why.....would you want to let that happen? Why not take control of the situation by either stopping the PA or get out of your marriage? If it blows...it's going to be a lot more hurtful to everyone, yourself included. What you are doing seems passive aggressive to me. You aren't dealing with things....you are just going to sit back and let others make your decisions for you?

[jj33]

Hey PKN!!! (smacking you upside of the head with a newspaper)

 

What happened to you my man? Since when do you go with the flow when your whole life hangs in the balance?

 

Is this masochism (heartbreak will ensue over and over like the sun coming up each day until one of us stops this)?

 

or is this a disguised desire to get out of your marriage by being found out some day eventually when it gets out of control..

 

You hit the nail on the head sex is easy to find, its the emotional connection that will get you in the end...

 

Either grab it by the horns and take it (eg leave and really make this real) or else what are you doing?

 

Much love

 

jj

[Owl]

7) For those that soon will say just divorce and let your wife free. Looked into to can't afford it. Maybe that will change I don't know. Have a child who I want to see everyday. Maybe this all blows up and that happens anyway, I will deal with it then.

 

How about tell your wife about the resumed contact and the complete lack of interest in ending the current relationship with the MOW?

 

Ask your wife what SHE wants outta the marriage, in light of this information?

 

I get that you don't like the state of your marriage, my friend. I'd bet your wife wouldn't either, given all the information.

 

Why not use that to create positive change somewhere, rather than keep doing what you're doing?

 

Why didn't things change after the first time you told your wife?

 

I get that you can't afford a divorce right now. But can you and your wife emotionally afford to keep this up?

[Snowflower]

Pre-face to the comments below since some of them are rather defensive. I am in a pissed off mood from dealing with my wife and our relationship today. So not a good day to really be discussing the enjoyment i get from having contact with the OW again, since that does bring a bit of joy into my otherwise pissy and stressful life.

 

PKN, I applaud you for your honesty here!

 

You probably don't remember me because it's been awhile, but your perspective as a fWS was tremendously helpful to me when I first came here. Thank you for that.

 

I hope you can find a resolution to your unhappiness which involves the least pain for everyone involved, you included.

 

We only get one go-around in this life as you well know, as does your wife, your OW, her husband, your children, her children, etc. I truly hope that all the adults involved in your situation can find a way for everyone to find some peace and yes, eventual happiness.

 

It sounds like no one in your situation is truly happy. Was the OW's marriage recovering, at least up until NC was broken?

 

You're in a tough spot...I appreciate your candor here and ignore the angry bashing posts if they come to your thread.

[piscis]

It sound dangerous very dangerous my only advice is PLEASE do not lie to yourself, maybe you are not doing it now but if at any moment you know you are jus about to star engaging in a very emotional way please do not lie to yourself and star NC right away.

Good luck

[pkn06002]

thanks for all of the replies

 

Let me see what I can answer.

 

1) I don't know if her marriage was recovered or not before NC was broken. I get the feeling that like me her BS did little to work on things. But I really don't know I just can tell you that it took little to break NC

 

2) Owl you make valid points and ones I myself have thought about. I can say though that this time the OW has no direct bearing on my thought process about my marriage. At one time I could not say that but I have talked with my wife over and over again about issues with no real resolution. I want change she wants the status quo. Why no change after the first time of me telling because I am not the number one priority for my wife. Our child, her mother, her direct family, friends, then maybe me. Has always been that way, unless I complain then she will work on things until I seem happy then quits because the emergency is over.

 

3) jj33 what you suggest I would like to make happen. Just not now but I do want a future with her.

 

4) BB07 I have not thought of it as passive aggressive but your right.

 

I very much want to just enjoy all of this for a change instead of constantly analysis life like I normally do. I always weight cost and benefits, risk and reward this relationship is one place where I don't do that. I just enjoy her company.

Edited June 29, 2010 by pkn06002

[jj33]

PKN, darling, sweetheart, you are floating down the river of denial on a raft loaded with champagne and strawberries.

 

Right now you are just laying back and enjoying the ride. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I have been a cautious responsible adult my whole life and now, Im taking some "me time".

 

I understand that and while I think youd be better served extricating yourself from the marriage first, Im glad you are able to admit that you now plan on changing things. I hope MW does too. that just may lead to a happy ending. I only hope your bliss on the raft is not interrupted by your respective spouses in the meantime.

 

Youre playing with fire but you know that.

[Owl]

 

2) Owl you make valid points and ones I myself have thought about. I can say though that this time the OW has no direct bearing on my thought process about my marriage. At one time I could not say that but I have talked with my wife over and over again about issues with no real resolution. I want change she wants the status quo. Why no change after the first time of me telling because I am not the number one priority for my wife. Our child, her mother, her direct family, friends, then maybe me. Has always been that way, unless I complain then she will work on things until I seem happy then quits because the emergency is over.

 

3) jj33 what you suggest I would like to make happen. Just not now but I do want a future with her.

 

4) BB07 I have not thought of it as passive aggressive but your right.

 

I very much want to just enjoy all of this for a change instead of constantly analysis life like I normally do. I always weight cost and benefits, risk and reward this relationship is one place where I don't do that. I just enjoy her company.

 

We'd all love to enjoy life without any concern or worries about the repercussions of our actions. I'd LOVE to be able to enjoy my life without doing that "risk analysis".

 

BUT WE CAN'T.

 

Because other people (and ourselves) are ALWAYS impacted by our choices.

 

You can just enjoy her company, and ignore (for now) the costs...but sooner or later you pay the piper. The bill will be due. A WISE man plans for that cost ahead of time, especially when he's not the only one who has to foot that bill.

 

If you want to spend time with her...great. Then take the active steps to make it happen LIKE IT SHOULD.

 

Man up. Tell your wife you're done. File/seperate/be honest. End the commitment you're in. End the marriage...honorably break off that agreemant to "forsake all others" that you had/have with your wife. Tell her you know that you can't honor it...free her to be with someone else if she chooses.

 

If your marriage is that bad...if your wife puts you so down on the priority list that your needs aren't being met and she doesn't care...then end it.

 

THEN explore other relationships.

[someday]

I wonder why you choose to live this way with your wife? I know you say its money issues but I don’t buy it. There’s more to it than money….and more to it than your child…what is it that keeps you married?

 

Seems to me that you are trying to pin all of this on your W. Truly, this cannot all be her fault. If you and she are not compatible then your relationship will deteriorate, IMO, regardless of what ‘hoops’ you or she jump thru. Why prolong the inevitable? And if you say because of your child I will point out that if you and your wife do not communicate in an effective and healthy way now…and you KNOW things will get worse….why on Earth would you allow your child to have to live thru such dysfunction?

 

And if you know that this EA will end in a bitter ugly mess why would you allow your child to experience this? Why would you actively pursue this when you know the outcomes for your child? What will your baby learn about this world? From you and from your wife’s actions?

 

I’m no saint. I’m also contemplating an EA…hell, maybe I’m already there...regardless of that I will always keep the best interests of my children in the forefront of my thoughts. That’s a major reason why I do not have regular contact with the OM. As much as I feel for him he’s a grown man and can take care of himself...he is not worth my children’s well being.

[pkn06002]

well a dose of reality today.

 

The OW is involved with a charity through work and asked me to donate. Good charity have no problems with that but she noticed that the anyone that donates has their name posted on the individual members web page. Which of course would not be good given circumstances. So I still donated but I did state I was a bit irked by the whole notion that I had to be anonymous and hidden. But I did the donation anyway because of the charity which I mentioned is worth it.

 

Well I filled out the donation page wrong and my name showed up. she started to throw a fit that my name was there. Then after a while just said well things happens nothing to be done about it now. But man talk about feeling like dirt knowing you are nothing but a ghost and a walking memory.

 

Then we started to talk about domestic things and thoughts of her happy with her husband are very bitter sweet. I want her happy but it hurts all the same and is nothing but a reminder as to what I don't have. If she is really happy I don't know, really does not matter either since I project my own visions of life which may or may not be valid.

 

So yes such a special thing today.

 

Owl I understand what you are saying but I am so tired for living for other peoples needs. That seems to be all I do worry about what other people need and want getting nothing in return.

 

For those of you that say end it, I can't I have done the math I am in that great section of society where it is cheaper to keep her. The amount I would have to pay in alimony (over 10 years married) and child support would make all of us poor. Poor is something I don't want my child to have to deal with.

 

My child I want to see her grow up and be there for her.

 

Yes I know what I am doing is a risk to all of that.

 

All a freaking mess, man if I now don't fit the typical person here on LS

Edited June 30, 2010 by pkn06002

[danis]

Well its quite apparent that he still loves his wife & will never leave. He wants to keep both relationships and like everybody else he thinks he will never get caught. It's all about the high and how she makes him feel alive. I know all of you say that he can't still love his wife if he is doing this to her. But yes he can....just means something is lacking in the marriage.

 

All the BS excuses about money and alimony are just that.... excuses. He doesn't want to leave his family at all.

 

EA's are much harder to break than a PA. EA's are an addiction...obsession you are not in control of your feelings. I know this because I am an addict myself.

 

It is only a matter of time before he sleeps with her again.