brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I know this sounds juvinile, but I'm terrible at dating and knowing what the guy in thinking so here goes. Met J online about a month ago and we hit it off. Things got sexual very fast. Probably too fast. Then we were on the phone and I was trying to get him to make plans to hang out with me one weekend when my kids would be gone. He didn't want to do this and didn't want to do that and wouldn't offer any suggestions of what he DID want to do. Finally he said something like "You are a little pushy and I think I just don't like you all that much" I basically said, thank you for being upfront with me and have a nice life. I really wasn't upset beyond being a bit bummed. Then last week he called way early in the morning and basically begged me to come over and keep him company and he would make me breakfast. I did go over because it was so sweet a way to ask and because I was flattered. We didn't have sex then, but later that day we did. Then last night he was off work and tired out and basically it was the same thing were I wanted to spend some time with him but he was really tired. So he texted me and said I'm home come over. I went and (as he was beat and I'm on the rag) nothing sexual happened, we just talked and watched funny internet videos (two camels in a car is hilarious, just sayin). Here's the thing. It seems like I have to initiate contact most of the time. If I text him and say how was your day? he will answer, but he wont really reciprocate. He doesn't ever want to make actual plans with me. Its either spur of the moment or nothing. I Like him, but I'm not super in love with him or anything. Sex with him is VERY GOOD (but he says he's not sexually motivated), and he's smart and funny to hang out with. We like the same kind of movies and TV shows and have kids of similar ages. He's also currently delivering Pizzas for a living and getting unemployment from his IT job which laid him off. He drinks A LOT and seems to be much more open to hanging out (and sex) when he's been drinking. So my question - guys, is he interested in me? Is it possible be wont make plans because he's poor ( he really is poor and getting his life back together after being unemployed so long)? Is he not all that interested but keeping me around for when he is in the mood for sex? Am I just really bad at interpreting guys and over thinking this whole thing?
crimsonmike Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 That is a tough one sis. Being you have hung out with him without sex (did he try to initiate it?) he may not just be after that. You got three options... 1.) Your his friend with benefits 2.) He's wanting you strictly for sex, but changed his mind that night 3.) He is interested in you, but too ashamed to admit he's too broke to take you out I'd never admit to #3 either. If it were me, it would prolly be #3. Lots of help I know. Sorry.
Author brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 That is a tough one sis. Being you have hung out with him without sex (did he try to initiate it?) he may not just be after that. You got three options... 1.) Your his friend with benefits 2.) He's wanting you strictly for sex, but changed his mind that night 3.) He is interested in you, but too ashamed to admit he's too broke to take you out I'd never admit to #3 either. If it were me, it would prolly be #3. Lots of help I know. Sorry. He did not try to initiate it, was even shy about changing his shirt in front of me, and only invited me over after I had made it clear I wasn't looking to have sex that evening. I honestly just like the guy, sex or no sex.
Lovelybird Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think you are too available for a guy who isn't available to you. When he call you to come over, maybe you think that is a sweet thing that spend time with him, but if you stand a little bit far from a third person's view, your interaction with him is unbalanced. It may sound tough, I think you should try to be less available, show him that you have a life besides him, and your life doesn't run around his schedule. Being poor cannot be an excuse for poor attitude. You got to show him you deserve more.
crimsonmike Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think you are too available for a guy who isn't available to you. When he call you to come over, maybe you think that is a sweet thing that spend time with him, but if you stand a little bit far from a third person's view, your interaction with him is unbalanced. It may sound tough, I think you should try to be less available, show him that you have a life besides him, and your life doesn't run around his schedule. Being poor cannot be an excuse for poor attitude. You got to show him you deserve more. No offense, but I think you are trying to apply a female mindset to a man. I don't think like that anyway. If I wasn't way into a chic, I'd interpret that as she's lost interest and move on. Brny grl, if that's the case you can prolly scratch #2.
Lovelybird Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) No offense, but I think you are trying to apply a female mindset to a man. I don't think like that anyway. If I wasn't way into a chic, I'd interpret that as she's lost interest and move on. Brny grl, if that's the case you can prolly scratch #2. If you are way into a girl, then won't you make plans to be just around her? Pushing won't make a man more interested Make her involve her life around the man's schedule will make her feel uncared and unsatisfied. IMO, she should move on if a man is unwilling to make plan to be with her. But brainygirl seems like this man, so trying to be more balanced may change the situation a bit. If he isn't sex motivated, then stop sex with him, see what he will react. Could be that your mother nature shows up, pity him as liking him? why did you choose your ex husband when you married him? Edited June 2, 2010 by Lovelybird
Author brainygirl Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 If you are way into a girl, then won't you make plans to be just around her? Pushing won't make a man more interested Make her involve her life around the man's schedule will make her feel uncared and unsatisfied. IMO, she should move on if a man is unwilling to make plan to be with her. But brainygirl seems like this man, so trying to be more balanced may change the situation a bit. If he isn't sex motivated, then stop sex with him, see what he will react. Could be that your mother nature shows up, pity him as liking him? why did you choose your ex husband when you married him? Usually my mom nature makes me hyper critical of men. I see flaws in things that probably aren't because I have a huge amount of paranoia about who and what I bring around my kids. I DO know that the fact he's a good dad is attractive to me. My ex, oh geesh, that's a whole other story. Basically he was (probably is) one of those people who is very good at pretending to be something they aren't. He SEEMED like a good father and provider and like he was fun to be around. After a few months of the relationship (which was very whirl-wind) his true nature started asserting itself. I'm not sure how the ex related to the current guy, except that anyone I date is going to have to realize that I will be very very slow to intertwine my life with his. But with this guy it doesn't seem like that will be an issue.
TouchedByViolet Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 So my question - guys, is he interested in me? This is a loaded question. If you are asking whether or not he enjoys your company and sleeping with you the answer seems like yes. Even after it broke up he wanted you back. If you want to know whether he will ever call you his gf I would say no. If he was genuinely interested in you he would make strides to hang out with you. This point is very important. Guys make time to spend with women they like. I don't care about his job situation, clearly you are interested. Overall, he is treating you as a back up plan in his life. This whole situation sounds temporary. Then again, in life what isn't?
Lovelybird Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Usually my mom nature makes me hyper critical of men. I see flaws in things that probably aren't because I have a huge amount of paranoia about who and what I bring around my kids. I DO know that the fact he's a good dad is attractive to me. My ex, oh geesh, that's a whole other story. Basically he was (probably is) one of those people who is very good at pretending to be something they aren't. He SEEMED like a good father and provider and like he was fun to be around. After a few months of the relationship (which was very whirl-wind) his true nature started asserting itself. I'm not sure how the ex related to the current guy, except that anyone I date is going to have to realize that I will be very very slow to intertwine my life with his. But with this guy it doesn't seem like that will be an issue. I bring up your ex husband, because I wonder if you have a pattern to pick "bad" men. Your ex may be good pretender, but may be some of your mindset made you pick similar guys?
Philetus Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 This is a loaded question. If you are asking whether or not he enjoys your company and sleeping with you the answer seems like yes. Even after it broke up he wanted you back. If you want to know whether he will ever call you his gf I would say no. If he was genuinely interested in you he would make strides to hang out with you. This point is very important. Guys make time to spend with women they like. I don't care about his job situation, clearly you are interested. Overall, he is treating you as a back up plan in his life. This whole situation sounds temporary. Then again, in life what isn't? Ding ding ding... we have a winner. It sounds like he wants you on his terms and his schedule and you've let him know that that's okay through your actions. If you want a relationship you have to take that power away. Make yourself unavailable, go on a date with someone else and make sure he finds out, be elusive when he asks where you were, stuff like that. In other words, you want him to know that you have a life, interests, other men and if he doesn't smarten up, he could lose you. That'll make him think about what you mean to him. Right now, he has no incentive to be more into you. He's treating you like you're his recreation. There's an old saying, 'why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free'. You have to dress up the cow a little bit.
Yamaha Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 So my question - guys, is he interested in me? As a f buddy and nothing more. Dump him
Alma Mobley Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I agree that he is not romantically interested. He is not motivated to plan ahead with you or to go on a date. Very bad signs, yet when he calls you come running. The only way you can find out for sure is to take the advice to become more unavailable and see how he acts. If he is interested he will take more initiative. If not, he won't be bothered anymore and you'll eventually no longer hear from him.
DollWelch Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Re-read your post, BrainyGirl. He's using you. You deserve better. Think about it.
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 IMO, you can't unring the bell while in contact, presuming you want to grow a relationship here. Be prepared to re-visit this: He didn't want to do this and didn't want to do that and wouldn't offer any suggestions of what he DID want to do. Finally he said something like "You are a little pushy and I think I just don't like you all that much" If you have sex with him again after a similar episode, he will own you. You will let that happen. I would counsel against it, but I counsel against fast and early sex anyway. YMMV. Hope it works out
SarahRose Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 He seems to call you up when he is bored and horny. He just likes the casual sex at his convenience. I'd forget about him and date someone and stay out of the bed for awhile.
Ariadne Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 So my question - guys, is he interested in me? Sounds like he doesn't like you for girlfriend, but when he is drunk or horny he doesn't mind the sex.
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Yes, he is interested in you... ...when he's: -got nothing better to do -horny -drinking -bored -lonely -or all of the above What's worse, you've taught him that it's okay to treat you this way. He told you flat out "I don't think I like you very much," and yet a few days later you were there at his beck and call. If the phone scenario you described presented itself to me with a guy I was seeing, and then he called me back a few days later asking me to come over, I would laugh at him and hang up the phone.
TaurusTerp Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 There's an old saying, 'why buy the cow, when you get the milk for free'. You have to dress up the cow a little bit. I always thought this saying was incredibly stupid. You'd buy the cow because you wanted more milk, duh? Or some steak?
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