I broke it off . . . mixed feelings

[torayngak]

We were together for roughly three years. It was my first real relationship, that's why I believe it is very hard for me to just let go and move on (even though I ended the relationship). He's the first guy I was sexually involved with. He still trying really hard to make us get back together. I care about him and love him dearly, but I can honestly say that I'm no long "in love" with him.

 

The reason why I broke up with him were for many reasons. He was very controlling, overprotective, and very manipulative. We argued constantly and he's always accusing me of having an affair or seeing someone else behind his back (very insecure and very unhealthy). Even though I did break up with him and we are no longer together, I still wasn't dating any one, but he kept accusing me . . . to the point where it made me feel miserable. I later start to go on unofficial dates with people. I used to be carefree and very happy-go-lucky . . . but lately I've been pessimistic. I don't know why, but I still can't "move on" I can't stop thinking about him, but whenever we're together we can't stand each another. If we can't stand being around one another why do we care whether or not we were with someone else? Our relationship has been a very emotional roller-coaster ride.

 

But lately he's been working extra hard to try to get our relationship back to how it used to be. And he seem to be like a whole different person. It seemed like he "changed" in order to win me back. And now his old habits and ways are starting to resurface as well. I don't know what to do.

 

Even though I know it isn't healthy for the both of us, I honestly don't know why I can't move on. I just don't know what's holding me back. We have our ups and our downs, but the negatives outweigh the positives.

Edited June 1, 2010 by torayngak

[skydiveaddict]

well I think your bf just needs to grow up a little bit . I'm sure he's a great person and all that but still your doubts remain. A stint in the military would do wonders for him

[Downtown]

He was very controlling, overprotective, and very manipulative. We argued constantly and he's always accusing me of having an affair or seeing someone else behind his back (very insecure and very unhealthy).

Torayngak, your exBF sounds very much like my exW. She was very controlling, jealous, and verbally abusive. I eventually learned that she has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). A hallmark of BPD is that the person does black-white thinking -- always flipping from one extreme (adoring you) to the opposite extreme (hating you). Moreover, such flips can happen in 15 seconds, making you feel like you've been walking on eggshells all the time you were around him -- never knowing what minor comment or action will trigger his anger. Indeed, the most popular book on BPD targeted to the nonBPD partners is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Another hallmark of BPD is the inability to trust, which shows up as a jealousy over the most innocent of relationships. My exW, for example, was jealous when I talked about girls I had dated 40 years earlier. She also was jealous of my spending time with friends and my family members.

I used to be carefree and very happy-go-lucky ... but lately I've been pessimistic.

After three years of walking on eggshells, you now realize that you have spent three years not being your real self. If you still have any illusions that he loves you for yourself, try acting yourself for a few days around him. He will react like you've thrown battery acid in his face. Now that you have separated, however, you will be surprised at how fast the "old you" returns.

I don't know why, but I still can't "move on" I can't stop thinking about him, but whenever we're together we can't stand each another. ... Our relationship has been a very emotional roller-coaster ride.

This is why it is described as a "toxic relationship." The toxicity is not just something he is doing to you. Rather, it is something you were doing to each other. Your contribution to the toxicity was being an "enabler" -- that is, being a person who allowed him to behave like a child and escape the logical consequences. In that way, you were his "soothing object" because you enabled him to avoid learning how to calm and sooth himself.

It seemed like he "changed" in order to win me back. And now his old habits and ways are starting to resurface as well. I don't know what to do.

Another hallmark of strong BPD traits is the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. The push away occurs because the person feels engulfed by your strong personality during intimacy. If your exBF has such strong traits, he likely would start a fight over nothing after nearly every intimate weekend or evening you had with him. Perhaps he started it the next morning. The reason was to push you away so he could have some breathing room. Yet, as you backed off, that triggered his other great fear -- abandonment. Hence, he would start acting really sweet to pull you back in. With my exW, I spent years trying to find the "Goldilocks position" between too close and too far away. It took me 15 years to realize that such a mid-way position does not exist.

Even though I know it isn't healthy for the both of us, I honestly don't know why I can't move on. I just don't know what's holding me back.

Because you've been with him for nearly 3 years, you likely are a caregiver like I am. That means your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are). A good explanation of why it is so difficult to leave an abusive person like your exBF is given in an article at http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf . It describes ten misperceptions that caregivers like us tend to have. If you find that helpful, I will be glad to discuss this further here on the forum if you like. Meanwhile, please stay away from him long enough for you to figure out just what it is you are dealing with -- and to have time to start being your real self again.

[torayngak]

thanks @skydiveaddict and @Downtown. @Downtown, you broke it down, to the "t" and i really appreciated all the feedback that you've given me. after taking your advice(s), I have officially ended it with the exBF. it was very hard and painful, but i managed to do it. i still get periodic text messages from him apologizing and whatnot but i told him that it was over and that there's nothing that he could do to win me back. once again, thanks.

[nittanylion]

Torayngak, your exBF sounds very much like

my exW. She was very controlling, jealous, and verbally abusive. I eventually learned that she has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). A hallmark of BPD is that the person does black-white thinking -- always flipping from one extreme (adoring you) to the opposite extreme (hating you). Moreover, such flips can happen in 15 seconds, making you feel like you've been walking on eggshells all the time you were around him -- never knowing what minor comment or action will trigger his anger. Indeed, the most popular book on BPD targeted to the nonBPD partners is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Another hallmark of BPD is the inability to trust, which shows up as a jealousy over the most innocent of relationships. My exW, for example, was jealous when I talked about girls I had dated 40 years earlier. She also was jealous of my spending time with friends and my family members.After three years of walking on eggshells, you now realize that you have spent three years not being your real self. If you still have any illusions that he loves you for yourself, try acting yourself for a few days around him. He will react like you've thrown battery acid in his face. Now that you have separated, however, you will be surprised at how fast the "old you" returns.This is why it is described as a "toxic relationship." The toxicity is not just something he is doing to you. Rather, it is something you were doing to each other. Your contribution to the toxicity was being an "enabler" -- that is, being a person who allowed him to behave like a child and escape the logical consequences. In that way, you were his "soothing object" because you enabled him to avoid learning how to calm and sooth himself.Another hallmark of strong BPD traits is the push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior. The push away occurs because the person feels engulfed by your strong personality during intimacy. If your exBF has such strong traits, he likely would start a fight over nothing after nearly every intimate weekend or evening you had with him. Perhaps he started it the next morning. The reason was to push you away so he could have some breathing room. Yet, as you backed off, that triggered his other great fear -- abandonment. Hence, he would start acting really sweet to pull you back in. With my exW, I spent years trying to find the "Goldilocks position" between too close and too far away. It took me 15 years to realize that such a mid-way position does not exist.Because you've been with him for nearly 3 years, you likely are a caregiver like I am. That means your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are). A good explanation of why it is so difficult to leave an abusive person like your exBF is given in an article at http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/10_beliefs.pdf . It describes ten misperceptions that caregivers like us tend to have. If you find that helpful, I will be glad to discuss this further here on the forum if you like. Meanwhile, please stay away from him long enough for you to figure out just what it is you are dealing with -- and to have time to start being your real self again.

 

OMG, everything you said is so true. I told her she has a classic case of BPD but she wouldnt listen to me. I have LDR over 2 years with my ex., just last Friday we broke up. She dumped me and now find a new lover. Her erratic behavior from one extreme to another is a sign of BPD. One minute she is so lovey dovey and next minutes she would be full of hate. I am too is walking on an eggshells, if I say something that is not sweet, it will trigger her emotion to anger immediately. Also, she has difficut time of trusting me or anyone and feel very jealous if i talk about my past.

 

In a way, I feel kinda of relief that she is out of my life, and angry that she dumped me for someone else. Last Friday, I told her I wouldnt be surpised that she finds a replacement, and today I confirmed my validation. LOL! I have acceptance that is over and move on my life.

Edited June 29, 2010 by nittanylion