CaliPilot Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Hello members. I previously posted a thread in this same forum about three weeks ago titled: "My wife's affair was with her mother, but she died, now what?" I was quite pleased that it generated 22 responses, and some incredibly insightful. In order to understand and reply to this thread, if you do not remember it, please find the previous one so you'll have a sense of what I initially wrote and how people commented about this most complex situation. The question I am going to ask is about the nature of ultimatums. After reading the thread, I want to update you. It's been now 4 months since her mother died and we have gone out to dinner a lot with our child, played in the park, lots of seemingly normal and fun things, but I am still not being respected the way I need to be as a husband. She agreed many weeks ago to go to counseling, but there was always an excuse and she never made an appointment, and she got irritated when I asked her again about it the other day and for the first time she barked: "Go ahead and divorce me if you want to .. and I'll get an attorney" ... this is the first time she has ever said this in 13 years of marriage. When we talked about what bothered her so much, she said it was my "anger" and to be honest I kept my voice down and just expressed my dismay that she had not yet arranged counseling (I gave her a list of 7 possible therapists and she said she was going to get one but not from my list but she has not even done that yet). She and I had discussed our desire to save the marriage, but she keeps putting counseling off, I still do not have a key to the house, and she gets irritated at my questions as to when I am to move back in. She also said "it's only been 4 months" (since her mother's death) so I am confused and don't suspect an affair strongly (I have a 30% fear of that) but don't really know how to resolve this without some form of ultimatum. Calm minds have told me to give her 6 to 8 weeks to allow me to move back in or to file for a divorce. I have not even consulted with an attorney yet about my rights and if I am missing anything important .. and my gut instinct is not to divorce her ... so I am confused about that when everyone around me says to give her an ultimatum on moving back in and getting counseling .. or to simply file for a divorce. If I give an ultimatum and do not back it up with action, then my bark is just that. I do not want to regret filing when I do not really want a divorce ... but I don't really have a marriage either, and have not for a long time ... for really 6 years now ... so the question is about the value of an ultimatum and how to give it (in writing is probably best with her since when we talk it gets messy) ... so what kind of ultimatum, do they work, do they blow up in your face, do they help bring her around ... any and all comments about the value of ultimatums and the best way to deliver an ultimatum would be highly appreciated. And please re-read the thread that I mention at the beginning of this thread .. or you will not have the history of the unique and complex nature of this mess. Thanks so much .. I sense there are some real counselors and therapists here because the last responses were so good. Thanks for helping me understand the best response to a person who just puts off and off and off, doesn't make an appointment (and if I make one she would probably not go), doesn't give me a key to the house, ... she just keeps the status quo.
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 No use giving an ultimatum if you are not 100% sure that you can follow through with it. If you are not able to, it will just make your situation worse
jnj express Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I don't know your previous thread---so I will just respond to the ultimatim. If you do give an ultimatim, you had better have consequences, that you will actually follow thru with. She is probably saying go ahead and do the D., cuz her back is agst the wall, and she doesn't want to get off the fence. Give her the ultimatim, in person, so you can watch her body language, and respond to any spontinaeity that comes out of the discussion. Just go in icy cold, and stay that way----no emotion, no temper, discuss if necessary, but don't get baited into an argument. Say what you have to say, and get out. Obviously you can't live as you are now, but you have really not forced anything upon her, and she still has her life as it is----she has not been forced to look at what life might be, if she were to be divorced, and on her own. Plan your ultimatum carefully, but if you think it needs to be given, than do so---the sooner the better.
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