Girlfriend got STD test without telling me

[sally4sara]

Enlighten me...

 

If a woman questions a man about his day, she's communicating. If a man questions a woman about her day, he's 'grilling'?

 

And, since when is personal medical information surrounding sex to be off-limits for partners who are having sexual intercourse and other sexual contact? I thought such communication was/is part of a mature adult relationship. I can assure you it is for myself, as are the appropriate assurances wrt STD's. Since the OP says they're having 'a lot of sex', it follows they should be having 'a lot of communication', as evidenced by the conversation in the OP. Sounds healthy to me. Anger for being curious, not so healthy. I'd say the same thing if it were a female posting about her interactions with a male. Something is up. It just remains to clarify it.

 

Its called HIPPA. We all have a right to medical confidentiality. She let him in on her personal current medical history. She did not follow that with "and it came back as positive for (whatever)". She did communicate with him rather than never saying a word about it.

 

I'd think less of it if this site was not the one with a thread about covertly getting children DNA tested behind their mother's back......

Or if this were not the same site where men tell other men to hide addictions they have from potential partners......

[marsle85]

You're completely out of bounds - you should be happy she is so safe! Plus, no STD would manifest so quickly. The problem here is your insecurity, not your GF. Maybe that was her way of asking: when are YOU getting tested?

[carhill]

I'm very familiar with HIPPA, as a court appointed guardian. It applies to medical professionals and their discussions and disclosures to persons other than the patient with whom they have contracted to care for. HIPPA has no standing amongst private individuals. An individual can choose to disclose or not disclose. Persons affected by that choice can also choose in their own best interests.

 

I'll repeat the chronology:

 

she's like " oh i went downtown"

me " oh for what anything good?"

her "i had an appt"

me "oh a doctor appt"

her " um no i went to planned parenthood for a std test"

 

it just was so weird because why would she not go after the first few times we did it? She waited 5 months!? She says she is a hypochondriac about std's, so why not go a long long time ago? It just rubs me wrong especially since she was out drinking the night before and slept at her girlfriend's apartment.

 

she was actually mad at me that I was even curious.

 

Note that the conversation was quite casual, but the OP notes, but does not quote the conversation, that she became angry with him because he was curious. He *then* goes on to state that 'i think I have a right to know these things. like what if all of the sudden shes a closet whore?'. This was a response to the interaction, based on his recitation, not an incitement to her anger, which he had already perceived.

 

I had many such interactions with stbx during our marriage and it was only with MC that I began to see the patterns in the communication and the underlying psychology. I also did some of it myself when I had my EA. A good offense is sometimes the best defense. Keep the other person off-balance. It's pretty basic manipulation.

 

OP, did a past girlfriend cheat on you? You on her? What's *your* story?

[sally4sara]

I'm very familiar with HIPPA, as a court appointed guardian. It applies to medical professionals and their discussions and disclosures to persons other than the patient with whom they have contracted to care for. HIPPA has no standing amongst private individuals. An individual can choose to disclose or not disclose. Persons affected by that choice can also choose in their own best interests.

 

 

Exactly, meaning its not your business unless they decide to let it be your business. Not even a spouse can find this stuff out without the other spouse deciding to tell them.

She is a nurse, she knows he doesn't have to know. And maybe the OP is quick to suspect things? We know only his half of the story. From the thread participants reaction - it seems likely that the first reaction would be to assume something is up and she could have just wanted to avoid the Spanish Inquisition over something she does every year.

[JohnP82]

Yeah, it's time to start doing a little investigation. I think you would be crazy to just ignore this and brush it off like most of the women are saying. Also get tested because your gf sounds shady.

[Kamille]

Unless you showed her a piece of paper saying you were clean, and the HIV testing was done at least six months after your last partner prior to her, then she's right on schedule with when she should be tested.

 

 

 

 

Ding! It takes up to 6 months for medical tests to be able to detect HIV. Anyone who is STD paranoid (as she claims to be) knows this.

 

I usually get tested at around the 6 months mark, usually packaged up with my annual PAP test. I usually volunteer the information to my partners after the fact:

him: what did you do today

me: I went to the doctor's got a pap and a full STD tests

 

BF didn't react badly to this at all, in fact, he seem to understand that this was just part of me being mindful of my health.

 

But I don't know why she would have gone to planned parenthood and not her regular doctor. Then again, I'm from Canada so there's a lot of things about the American health care system I don't get. (Is PP cheaper?).

 

Not saying there isn't something fishy. I'm just surprised at the reactions in this thread considering I've done this with bf, ex bf and ex ex bf and none of them reacted badly.

[carhill]

Her and I have been dating since January (lots of sex) and initially she asked me the first time if I had STDs and I told her no.

 

The OP disclosed. No anger. No quid pro quo. He simply answered a question asked.

 

I've talked with enough women about this subject (and much more intimate subjects like molestation, abuse and sexual problems) to know that it isn't a world-ending thing. It's not some big secret that everyone carries around. Discussing sexual-related health is no different from inserting a penis into a vagina. No more or less intimate. If one can't talk about it, with it meaning *all* relevant issues regarding sex and its attendant health impacts, one should keep their trousers zipped or legs together, as appropriate.

 

OP, tell her how you *feel* about this dynamic, solicit her response and, if you meet resistance or dead air, dump her. No sense drilling a dead hole. Trust me. While my responses might be perceived as cynical, I hope this incident brings you new-found intimacy in your relationship.

[mlh5046]

thanks carhill. cn you be more clear on what you mean about the dynamic?

 

for the record this is my 3rd serious relationship ( meaning at least 5 or 6 months) ive had. I've never been cheated on before. But I am always wary/suspicious. Which I wish wasn't the case, but the timing for this situation is really bothering.

 

Our relationship is such where she would tell me if she "planned" on doing this. I think another thing that keeps me wondering is that early in the relationship she always wanted to do it without protection, which I wouldn't. Then recently I suggested it and she was adamantly against it. She keeps hinting that it is her concern about my sexual history.

[carhill]

thanks carhill. cn you be more clear on what you mean about the dynamic?

 

IMO, your response to her, as viewed dispassionately by an outsider, is rooted in fear. Identify it, specify it, and communicate it. 'When I hear your anger at my questions, I'm afraid that xxxxx'. 'When you take STD tests without sharing with me, I'm afraid that xxxx'. 'When you get drunk at a club and spend the night at girlfriend's house, I'm afraid that xxxx.' If you find any of the behaviors unacceptable, say that.... 'I find this xxxx unacceptable'. Clear communication of your *feelings* is a positive route to resolution, whether that be greater intimacy or going separate ways. It provides clarity. Listen to her feelings. Validate her anger. You can validate her feelings and still find behaviors unacceptable. This is called enforcing your boundaries.

 

Hope that helps. I just practiced boundary enforcement with stbx this morning. No anger, no rancor, just clear communication. Hope it works out.

[norajane]

I'll repeat the chronology:

 

Note that the conversation was quite casual, but the OP notes, but does not quote the conversation, that she became angry with him because he was curious. He *then* goes on to state that 'i think I have a right to know these things. like what if all of the sudden shes a closet whore?'. This was a response to the interaction, based on his recitation, not an incitement to her anger, which he had already perceived.

 

You're missing this key part:

 

I mean she was definitely bothered that I started to try to talk to her more in depth about it. When I started saying how I told her I have nothing and I haven't been sleeping with anyone but her and why would you wait this long into our relationship to get it, thats when she started to get a little bothered. I wasn;t mean about it, I was calm.

 

I mean where theres smoke theres fire. Maybe she is telling the truth maybe not, but she has some answering todo.

 

It started off casual, then he turned it into a suspicious thing that she got tested.

[carhill]

He was calm. It was a normal conversation. I had this issue with stbx. The resolution in MC was to accept her anger and process it as something she had to own. Not my problem. That is the advice I'll give the OP. If he feels his perspective was reasonable and his delivery calm, he owns that. She owns her perspective. I'm very direct about such things now. What others do with that is their issue. I don't care anymore.

[Krytie TV]

Maybe she was just trying to confirm that she didn't get anything from the guy before you... which was about 6 months ago. She probably didn't want to say anymore because you would get super-jealous at the thought of her with another guy?

 

Or she totally hooked up that night at her friend's house. I can totally see that too.

[TaurusTerp]

I love the use of HIPAA (not HIPPA) as if it somehow is relevant to personal relationships, and used with authority.

 

I think the issue here is that you don't trust her, and that alone should get you to think hard on whether or not you want to stay with her.

[sally4sara]

I love the use of HIPAA (not HIPPA) as if it somehow is relevant to personal relationships, and used with authority.

 

I think the issue here is that you don't trust her, and that alone should get you to think hard on whether or not you want to stay with her.

 

It is relevant because it is a standard for medical privacy - she is a nurse; I'm sure she is aware of it. And it was created st protect people from having their medical history used against them. You know, like when a guy uses the fact that a woman he is dating gets an STD screening as an indication of her character...... If the OP had not said she was a nurse, I'd have been less likely to factor it in. But you go ahead and be an ass about it if you'd like. Its the way this site gets down after all.

 

Personal relationships include personal choices. Her personal choice was to share the info. Info she does not HAVE to give and info that was used to start suspecting her character. Bet she doesn't make that same choice again.

[sally4sara]

He was calm. It was a normal conversation. I had this issue with stbx. The resolution in MC was to accept her anger and process it as something she had to own. Not my problem. That is the advice I'll give the OP. If he feels his perspective was reasonable and his delivery calm, he owns that. She owns her perspective. I'm very direct about such things now. What others do with that is their issue. I don't care anymore.

 

Carhill, not to be rude or try to argue, but how do you know? Unless you were in the room or you know the OP is currently dating your STBX, imagining the mental film of your marriage when thinking about the OP's post isn't so likely to be an accurate assessment.

 

No matter how the thing played out, the OP doesn't have to continue to date this woman. But if he does, he is going to have to accept that she is going to get medical treatment and screening without his permission or knowledge as an adult has the right to.

[TaurusTerp]

It is relevant because it is a standard for medical privacy - she is a nurse; I'm sure she is aware of it. And it was created st protect people from having their medical history used against them. You know, like when a guy uses the fact that a woman he is dating gets an STD screening as an indication of her character...... If the OP had not said she was a nurse, I'd have been less likely to factor it in. But you go ahead and be an ass about it if you'd like. Its the way this site gets down after all.

 

Personal relationships include personal choices. Her personal choice was to share the info. Info she does not HAVE to give and info that was used to start suspecting her character. Bet she doesn't make that same choice again.

 

It's only relevant for medical personnel in a medical setting. People are free to ask for medical information if they want; they didn't sign a HIPAA agreement and it has nothing to do with them. Medical information is ONLY private between the medical team and patients. Being a nurse doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask for your boyfriends medical information. It has no application to 2 "civilians", if if one is a nurse/doctor/whatever. I was being an ass though, for that I'll apologize.

 

As for your second point, no you don't HAVE to share any information in a relationship. You do if you want a successful one though.

[sally4sara]

It's only relevant for medical personnel in a medical setting. People are free to ask for medical information if they want; they didn't sign a HIPAA agreement and it has nothing to do with them. Medical information is ONLY private between the medical team and patients. Being a nurse doesn't mean you're not allowed to ask for your boyfriends medical information. It has no application to 2 "civilians", if if one is a nurse/doctor/whatever. I was being an ass though, for that I'll apologize.

 

As for your second point, no you don't HAVE to share any information in a relationship. You do if you want a successful one though.

 

But being a nurse means she has had the disclosure policy explained to her and the reasons behind it is over worker's comp claims and medical treatment becoming the knowledge of employers and the use of it against the employee. I know because I worked on the team that created the info data base for the policy, making sure certain info is not available to everyone involved in a worker's comp claim. Having the policy explained to you can make you more aware of the ways your medical info can be used against you. Just because someone isn't your employer, it doesn't mean medical info cannot be used against you.

Imagine you went through a serious bout of depression therapy and spent time in a treatment clinic. Can you say you can't see how mentioning you'd done this might make someone you were dating look at you differently even if were now a happy and balanced person? Maybe you go once a year to have a therapist assess your mental well being - telling someone you're dating you do this "just in case" could make them doubt you in a way that is not a fair assessment of who you are or your mental well being.

[TaurusTerp]

But being a nurse means she has had the disclosure policy explained to her and the reasons behind it is over worker's comp claims and medical treatment becoming the knowledge of employers and the use of it against the employee. I know because I worked on the team that created the info data base for the policy, making sure certain info is not available to everyone involved in a worker's comp claim. Having the policy explained to you can make you more aware of the ways your medical info can be used against you. Just because someone isn't your employer, it doesn't mean medical info cannot be used against you.

Imagine you went through a serious bout of depression therapy and spent time in a treatment clinic. Can you say you can't see how mentioning you'd done this might make someone you were dating look at you differently even if were now a happy and balanced person? Maybe you go once a year to have a therapist assess your mental well being - telling someone you're dating you do this "just in case" could make them doubt you in a way that is not a fair assessment of who you are or your mental well being.

 

I still don't see how this is related to the OP's situation at all...it's all in the context of professionalism, not inter-personal relationships.

 

Also, FYI, I doubt the HIPAA review was as in-depth as you say. I've been at 3 different hospitals and 2 of my HIPAA training sessions were basically "sign this. don't leave patient info anywhere and don't get us sued".

[mlh5046]

I guess I need to clarify some more. My main issue was that the timing of the whole testing was very random from my point of view. We have been having sex regularly for over 5 months and plus she went out the night before.

 

It is just odd that if it was such a concern for her, she logically would have gone in February.

 

I have no problem with her getting tested, its anyones right. I just needed help interpreting her actions.

 

Do most girls even get tested on their own? like I have no idea. All my old gf's never mentioned it to me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Maybe I'm totally off base, but if it wasn;t so surprising and random I would feel better. What do yall think?

 

 

 

Yes, you are totally off base.

 

 

In your mind, I'm guessing you envisioned her boffing some dude at a bar last Thursday night and then living in fear of having contracted something from him. (never mind the fact that she TOLD you about this test)

 

 

She could have had any number of tiny, personal changes about her anatomy of late which caused her to go for the test. If as you say she is paranoid about such things, then that would seem even greater cause for her to err on the side of caution.

 

 

Just drop the subject and never bring it up again.

[D-Lish]

An STD would never show up the morning after anyway.

[LucreziaBorgia]

An STD won't show up like that, but I can imagine an immediate need for the morning after pill from Planned Parenthood if you go out and sleep with a guy unprotected.

 

It just doesn't ring true to me - why would a girl go to Planned Parenthood suddenly and apparently after a 'night out' without an appointment for an STD panel? Isn't that what the regular ObGyn does, via appointment? What's the rush? Couldn't she just have gone home and made an appointment since she has been having protected sex with her boyfriend for at least five months?

 

Occam's Razor cynically comes down on the side of the obvious here: a girl doesn't go to Planned Parenthood the next day after being out all night partying (or whatever it was she was doing) for an impromptu STD panel. She goes to Planned Parenthood the next day for an impromptu morning after pill, which has to be taken as soon after the sex act as possible, up to a couple of days.

 

I'm telling you, something just doesn't sound right here. Can't help but to be suspicious.

[Krytie TV]

Tough to deny that this reeks of the morning after pill.

[Stung]

If she was at a party the night before, no STD will present itself so quickly.

 

I would imagine instead that she was getting some sort of symptom, and then wanted to make sure there wasn't something to be worried about.

 

Remember, too, she's taken your word that you were STD free, and that you've been monogamous.

 

I agree with an earlier poster, if she thought she caught it from another guy while she was dating you, she wouldn't tell you a THING unless she came back positive with something.

 

Either this, or she genuinely does get tested every year and the appt. was overdue. I got tested every year when I was single whether I suspected anything of the guy I was with or not, whether I thought I detected any symptom or not. Sometimes guys were offended by this or reacted awkwardly. It's very possible that during what you thought was a relatively calm discussion your skepticism/concerns were more evident than you thought they were, hence her getting 'mad' at your 'curiosity'.

 

As a medical professional she would be perfectly aware that nothing would show on any test ONE DAY after her night out, so your evidence of a night out with the girls is potentially a total red herring to this discussion.

Edited June 9, 2010 by Stung

[littlelisa30]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. As others have said, an STD is not going to show up in one day. So she didn't go because of something she did the night before. IF she went for the morning after pill, I doubt she would even mention getting tested for STDS. She'd just lie and said she went shopping or something. Was probably just a routine test. Even though I'm married I get tested every year. Just a normal thing. It gives me peace of mind. And no, I'm not a closet whore. That is what disturbs me most about your post- your attitude toward your girlfriend. Perhaps she senses that and becomes defensive.