Perhaps Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) Hey all, Hope you're all doing better than me, at the very least Last night, I dreamt of her again -- something that has been happening for the past few days. It made me miss her - not the girl she is now, but the girl she used to be. And inevitably, it led to me kicking myself for breaking up with her. I went through some saved IM conversations with a friend trying to figure out why I broke up with her. I mean, this was the girl who had total control over me and I took her back even when she broke up with me during the course of our relationship. I asked my friend about it and he said that basically, I met lots of new people in my first year at university and it led me to think I was being held back. He also said that I used to say that she was too dependent on me -- to be fair, I discarded that as an excuse to get out of the relationship. I honestly try to be a very good person and most of my friends call me uptight because of my "high moral/ethical standards". I wondered, then, keeping the law of Karma in mind, why it's so hard to get out of this rut when I try to be a good person. I still miss her and spent a year trying to get her back. I remember reading DenverBachelor's post mentioning the fact that it's up to us to be happy and break free of the chains we've tied ourselves to. I just don't know how to break the damn chains. In fact, it seems I keep tying myself down to bigger, thicker chains. Basically, I miss my ex when I'm the one who broke up with her. The part that twists me is - why did I break up when I loved her like a madman? Should i even bother to figure out why i did it? I've been trying but I just don't understand why I did it. I feel like I impose all these rules of what's right and wrong in my life so I can look forward to some sort of reward for my good karma. My friends tell me to go out to the club and get some dirty dancin' with drunk girls at the club. I reject them because last time I went to a club was when I was trying to get a second chance with her. She ended up getting drunk and started grinding up on some guy till I pulled her back... I dunno, it was an experience that really bothered me and I still think about it and get all mad, sad... I don't even know. Funny thing is, these friends who want me to go to the club have girlfriends. I want to tell them, "Do you have NO shame cheating on your SO like that?" And that's when I think that I was a very good boyfriend until I went to uni and everything just got to me. How come guys like that get to be in relationships and get away with constant cheating and I can't be forgiven for my one mistake? She wasn't perfect but if I'm a hermit crab then she was my shell - maybe I miss having her there as my shell? Do I make sense? Someone told me maybe I miss having her as moral support - which seems to explain why I broke up with her once I got used to the big life in uni. Still, I was so sure I loved her. I'm starting to hate love because I don't understand it. I remember saying to my friend, "I don't get it... why did this happen to me? I'm a good guy..." To which he responded, "We're All good guys..." I don't even know what type of advice I'm looking for. I just need some sort of help understanding what the heck is going on in my head. Edited June 1, 2010 by Perhaps
random122 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Hey all, Hope you're all doing better than me, at the very least Last night, I dreamt of her again -- something that has been happening for the past few days. It made me miss her - not the girl she is now, but the girl she used to be. And inevitably, it led to me kicking myself for breaking up with her. I went through some saved IM conversations with a friend trying to figure out why I broke up with her. I mean, this was the girl who had total control over me and I took her back even when she broke up with me during the course of our relationship. I asked my friend about it and he said that basically, I met lots of new people in my first year at university and it led me to think I was being held back. He also said that I used to say that she was too dependent on me -- to be fair, I discarded that as an excuse to get out of the relationship. I honestly try to be a very good person and most of my friends call me uptight because of my "high moral/ethical standards". I wondered, then, keeping the law of Karma in mind, why it's so hard to get out of this rut when I try to be a good person. I still miss her and spent a year trying to get her back. I remember reading DenverBachelor's post mentioning the fact that it's up to us to be happy and break free of the chains we've tied ourselves to. I just don't know how to break the damn chains. In fact, it seems I keep tying myself down to bigger, thicker chains. Basically, I miss my ex when I'm the one who broke up with her. The part that twists me is - why did I break up when I loved her like a madman? Should i even bother to figure out why i did it? I've been trying but I just don't understand why I did it. I feel like I impose all these rules of what's right and wrong in my life so I can look forward to some sort of reward for my good karma. My friends tell me to go out to the club and get some dirty dancin' with drunk girls at the club. I reject them because last time I went to a club was when I was trying to get a second chance with her. She ended up getting drunk and started grinding up on some guy till I pulled her back... I dunno, it was an experience that really bothered me and I still think about it and get all mad, sad... I don't even know. Funny thing is, these friends who want me to go to the club have girlfriends. I want to tell them, "Do you have NO shame cheating on your SO like that?" And that's when I think that I was a very good boyfriend until I went to uni and everything just got to me. How come guys like that get to be in relationships and get away with constant cheating and I can't be forgiven for my one mistake? She wasn't perfect but if I'm a hermit crab then she was my shell - maybe I miss having her there as my shell? Do I make sense? Someone told me maybe I miss having her as moral support - which seems to explain why I broke up with her once I got used to the big life in uni. Still, I was so sure I loved her. I'm starting to hate love because I don't understand it. I remember saying to my friend, "I don't get it... why did this happen to me? I'm a good guy..." To which he responded, "We're All good guys..." I don't even know what type of advice I'm looking for. I just need some sort of help understanding what the heck is going on in my head. You can you explain concisely why you broke up with her?
Author Perhaps Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 You can you explain concisely why you broke up with her? Why I broke up with her? I honestly have been trying to figure out why for months... it's a combination of so many factors, I guess. I was in uni, she was in high school, we had to sneak out to see each other; she was a little too dependent on me as I always helped her with homework and family problems. At first, this never bothered me because I felt happy to know she could count on me. However, as school progressed, it got harder and harder to find time for her, and try to get a decent GPA to get into my program. I don't know if her clinginess pushed me away or my alienation caused her clinginess. I just felt like I needed to be alone for a while. I didn't break up with her for someone else -- I just wanted to be alone for a while.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 You have to trust that you broke up with her for the right reasons. If you've already tried to get her back and she isn't interested - you have to let it go. Perhaps, you made a choice based on the wrong reasons. Maybe at the time, you felt unsure but didn't have the necessary maturity or skills you have now, to make things work and so you chose to leave the relationship. I think many people do this and theres really nothing you can do but trust you had your reasons, even if you don't quite understand them and that you know a lot more now. When you fall in love again, you'll know when the feeling to run away is legitimate or just a passing bump.
Author Perhaps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 You have to trust that you broke up with her for the right reasons. If you've already tried to get her back and she isn't interested - you have to let it go. Perhaps, you made a choice based on the wrong reasons. Maybe at the time, you felt unsure but didn't have the necessary maturity or skills you have now, to make things work and so you chose to leave the relationship. I think many people do this and theres really nothing you can do but trust you had your reasons, even if you don't quite understand them and that you know a lot more now. When you fall in love again, you'll know when the feeling to run away is legitimate or just a passing bump. Thanks Nikki, you're right. She definitely isn't the type of girl with whom I could see myself with now. I always feel bad when I see people post saying that their ex left - I just see myself on the same level as their heartbreaking exes. I'm going to try and see a therapist. Maybe that will help.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Thanks Nikki, you're right. She definitely isn't the type of girl with whom I could see myself with now. I always feel bad when I see people post saying that their ex left - I just see myself on the same level as their heartbreaking exes. I'm going to try and see a therapist. Maybe that will help. Maybe you feel guilty more than you feel regretful because you are putting yourself in the same category as a heartbreaking ex. But the truth is that our exes, none of them are bad people. Breaking up with someone and breaking someones heart isn't a crime, and only few exes are really cruel or malicious people. A lot of them are maybe just confused and unsure. I know it can help me to paint my ex as a villain but really he isn't; he's just a guy, just young, just human and if he hurt me, well I hurt him too. I think we pile a lot up on those that dump us, but really they just had to make a choice; unless you were beating her up and cheating on her left right and centre, you aren't a bad person. You should forgive yourself for that and let any guilt you may feel go.
Author Perhaps Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Maybe you feel guilty more than you feel regretful because you are putting yourself in the same category as a heartbreaking ex. But the truth is that our exes, none of them are bad people. Breaking up with someone and breaking someones heart isn't a crime, and only few exes are really cruel or malicious people. A lot of them are maybe just confused and unsure. I know it can help me to paint my ex as a villain but really he isn't; he's just a guy, just young, just human and if he hurt me, well I hurt him too. I think we pile a lot up on those that dump us, but really they just had to make a choice; unless you were beating her up and cheating on her left right and centre, you aren't a bad person. You should forgive yourself for that and let any guilt you may feel go. Yeah, I was a good boyfriend and was always there for her. I just messed up in the end. And you're right - more than anything, the guilt had me crushed for a very long time. I guess this whole thing just prevents me from thinking of myself as a good person and has really eroded my self esteem. Thanks again, Nikki, I appreciate your insight
Sukichan Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 Hey there, Perhaps. As humans, we often seek answers to questions we have. We search high and low, and will do most anything to get them. These boards are a great example. However, sometimes, in life, there are no answers, or, perhaps, not just yet. We often regret the decisions we’ve made in life, but what we really regret, are the decisions that we did not make. You may not know exactly why you have decided to break up with her, or why you regret doing so. With time, there will be answers. For now, focus on yourself, on who you are as a person. In doing so, you will discover more about yourself, and with that, you will understand why you made the decisions you made. Since my breakup, I’ve been learning more about human psychology, and came to understand a lot more about myself and my previous relationship. This has helped me grow as an individual, and there isn’t any pain anymore now. Maybe this could help you as well.
Author Perhaps Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 Hey there, Perhaps. As humans, we often seek answers to questions we have. We search high and low, and will do most anything to get them. These boards are a great example. However, sometimes, in life, there are no answers, or, perhaps, not just yet. We often regret the decisions we’ve made in life, but what we really regret, are the decisions that we did not make. You may not know exactly why you have decided to break up with her, or why you regret doing so. With time, there will be answers. For now, focus on yourself, on who you are as a person. In doing so, you will discover more about yourself, and with that, you will understand why you made the decisions you made. Since my breakup, I’ve been learning more about human psychology, and came to understand a lot more about myself and my previous relationship. This has helped me grow as an individual, and there isn’t any pain anymore now. Maybe this could help you as well. Thanks Sukichan, you're right -- hopefully, as time passes, I'll be able to see my decision for what it was once I rise out this sea of emotions. I'm doing a lot better compared to six months ago. It's getting better but that nagging question has always bothered me. And like you, I've been doing quite a lot of reading on human psychology to get a better understanding of myself and what makes people react to certain situations. Honestly, it's helped me understand myself a lot and this will hopefully help me function better in my next relationship, whenever that may be.
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