Well, looks like I’m just on this side of ‘someday’

[someday]

....and I don’t know what to do.

 

A little back story: I’m married, been with my husband for 19 yrs. We’ve got two teen age children and one 1.5 yr old baby girl (that is not our baby. He had an affair and moved out about 5 yrs ago. He ended that affair after about 7 months and moved back home. I do feel love for him.

 

However, I’ve always been in love with this other man. I’ve known this other man for years, since we were in grade school together. There has always been this connection between us. We never acted on that connection because….well, I don’t know why….I guess in our younger years we thought we wanted different things…come to find out- after nearly 20 years- is that what we wanted when we were younger wasn’t really want we wanted at all.

 

He became involved with a ‘fast’ woman. They had a child, he tried really hard to remain with her. But in the end he couldn’t over look the drinking, drugging and cheating she did. He was single for a long, long, long time. He met and married another woman. In fact he had an affair with her, she left her husband and now they are married. From what I understand the match was not made in Heaven.

 

All I’ve ever wanted was him, him, him….but never was able to have him.

 

I made a life for myself with my husband. My husband and I’ve had some very wonderful times. I’ve shared so much of myself with him….but have never had the ability nor the desire to share myself completely. I tried and he did some stupid things that have left me with an underlying distrust in him that I have no idea how to overcome. I will say that my husband has become a much better man after his affair and near loss of me. He's trying so hard to make me happy.

 

So this ‘thing’ that we share, me and the possible other man in my life (really, the only man in my life) is sweet, it’s intoxicating, it’s romantic, it’s sublime and subliminal….and I can feel my heart beating again. I want him.

 

I want him in every aspect of the word, but I can’t have him. Not like this. Not in this way…..I cannot hurt others through my actions. I simply can’t do it….and yet, I want him. I have to say that I am (or try very hard to be) honest, open, true to myself. And I want him. And I don’t want to hurt anyone…..and I think I could be hurting myself the very worst of all.

 

I’ve not a clue as to which way I should go…..so I sit and do nothing…..and I’m scared.

Edited June 1, 2010 by someday
Taking out some markings that shouldn't have been there.

[Owl]

You know what you've got to do...and it's very, very simple.

 

Not easy...but SIMPLE.

 

One or the other.

 

That's all there is to it. It's not rocket science, doesn't require a degree in bio-mechanical engineering nor does it have to be FDA approved.

 

Either the man you've spent your life with, or the man you've spent your life daydreaming about.

 

Pick one, leave the other forever.

 

That's all there is to it. Simple.

 

Not easy...but really and truly that simple. That "black and white".

 

So there you go...now rather than spending the next six weeks prolonging the agony, here's a simple test for you.

 

Right now...this instant...who can't you live without?

 

See...there's your answer. Pick the guy who came to mind, dump the other.

[someday]

To be completely and totally honest, I can live without either of them and be content doing so.

 

At this very moment, I’ve a commitment to my children first and foremost. I will give them the best family life I can, and that means staying with my husband for a few more years….or maybe forever.

 

And that doesn’t make my heart feel any differently. That doesn’t make me want him less or love my husband more.

 

But you’re right. Simple.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Whose baby is the little girl?

[someday]

She's been placed with us through the courts. She needed a place, we accepted.

[Mimolicious]

Seems like you know who you want. Just take the jump. Good luck!

[Owl]

To be completely and totally honest, I can live without either of them and be content doing so.

 

At this very moment, I’ve a commitment to my children first and foremost. I will give them the best family life I can, and that means staying with my husband for a few more years….or maybe forever.

 

And that doesn’t make my heart feel any differently. That doesn’t make me want him less or love my husband more.

 

But you’re right. Simple.

 

OK, so there's your answer.

 

You want to remain married.

 

That means you need to let the other guy go. Completely and totally, if you truly want to give your marriage any kind of chance at all. If you really want to fix your marriage, and not just give it the old "I tried, but couldn't do it" routine.

 

That means telling your "friend" that you've chosen to work on your marriage, and that you know that this is impossible to do while he's still in the picture. Ask him to never contact you again, and then remove him from all of your communications (IM, phone, facebook, etc...). Block him where needed. Change phone numbers/accounts where needed.

 

But take an ACTIVE step to remove him from the picture.

 

THEN you can work on your marriage. Find out what emotional needs that aren't being met in your marriage, communicate with your H what they are and why he needs to meet them.

 

You've got your next steps lined out for you. All you have to do is actually DO something now, instead of waiting for it to happen.

 

I'm not attacking you, btw. Please don't think that.

 

All I'm trying to do here is to get you to see that you have the choices to make, you have the power to control what happens...and because of that you have the obligations to do what you need to do to fix the situation, however you decide to go.

 

Time to step to the plate, and take charge of yourself and your life.

[someday]

My friend and I had this talk this weekend. The talk didn't go exactly like you said, but yes, I let him know that I care about him, love him, that I appreciate him as a friend and that I am thankful for him as a friend....I didn't say that I never wanted him to contact me again.

 

I only ever see him at my family's home as he's good friends with them. For the most part we are 'just friends' because we've never acted on anything...except this weekend I held his hand. Oh, I can't even hold his hand with out feel tremendously terrible about myself....because I know what a simple hand hold means for us.

 

Owl, If I could kick him out of my head and heart he'd have been gone a long time ago. I don't think you are attacking me. I know what I'm doing is not a positive thing for anyone other than myself...and him....

 

I wanted to add that my marriage has always lived with this man in my heart of hearts. I've been able to give to my husband all that I can. I could live like this forever. Wanting and not receiving. I am totally not sure what that means for me or my husband.

Edited June 1, 2010 by someday

[Owl]

My friend and I had this talk this weekend. The talk didn't go exactly like you said, but yes, I let him know that I care about him, love him, that I appreciate him as a friend and that I am thankful for him as a friend....I didn't say that I never wanted him to contact me again.

 

This talk was USELESS towards meeting your goal of fixing your marriage. Worse than usless...you've both confirmed your feelings for each other...which just makes you both want to explore them further, rather than focus on the reality of your situation.

 

If you want to work on your marriage...you need to tell him goodbye. Point blank.

 

I only ever see him at my family's home as he's good friends with them. For the most part we are 'just friends' because we've never acted on anything...except this weekend I held his hand. Oh, I can't even hold his hand with out feel tremendously terrible about myself....because I know what a simple hand hold means for us.

 

Look up the term "emotional affair". Its what you're in. My wife couldn't ever "act" on her EA either, as OM lived about a thousand miles away. It didn't negate the damage it did to our marriage at the time though.

 

How do you think the 'hand holding' would have felt to your H?

 

Owl, If I could kick him out of my head and heart he'd have been gone a long time ago. I don't think you are attacking me. I know what I'm doing is not a positive thing for anyone other than myself...and him....

 

I know this. I have no doubt that removing from your head and your heart is very difficult.

 

That's why you've got to remove him from your LIFE first.

 

Once he's no longer an option, once he's no longer in the picture...your head and your heart will slowly swing back to the man that you love that IS in your life...your husband.

 

Don't think you've got to remove OM from your heart and mind first...that's a trap. It doesn't work that way.

 

You have to remove him from your life first...and then let time and nature help the wound heal.

 

If you really and truly don't think you can do this alone...there's one other step you can take that can seal the deal here.

 

Tell your H EVERYTHING. Ask him to come read this thread. Let him know what you're going through, what you're dreaming of, how you felt holding OM's hand this weekend.

 

And ask him to HELP you get through this by helping you remove OM and work on rebuilding your marriage.

 

Yes, he'll be hurt. But how much worse would it be if he found out on his own after this moved further down the path?

 

If it helps you to know...my wife was set to leave me about six years ago for another man, and we went through HELL at that time. But we're in a wonderfully recovered marriage now. We learned some tough lessons...but we're great now!

 

You can get to this point too, if you're willing to do what it takes.

[bittersweet memories]

My friend and I had this talk this weekend. The talk didn't go exactly like you said, but yes, I let him know that I care about him, love him, that I appreciate him as a friend and that I am thankful for him as a friend....I didn't say that I never wanted him to contact me again.

 

I only ever see him at my family's home as he's good friends with them. For the most part we are 'just friends' because we've never acted on anything...except this weekend I held his hand. Oh, I can't even hold his hand with out feel tremendously terrible about myself....because I know what a simple hand hold means for us.

 

Owl, If I could kick him out of my head and heart he'd have been gone a long time ago. I don't think you are attacking me. I know what I'm doing is not a positive thing for anyone other than myself...and him....

 

I wanted to add that my marriage has always lived with this man in my heart of hearts. I've been able to give to my husband all that I can. I could live like this forever. Wanting and not receiving. I am totally not sure what that means for me or my husband.

 

Does this other man feel the same about you? Are you having an emotional affair at this time or just a big old crush you talk here and there? sorry not following ..

[Owl]

I wanted to add that my marriage has always lived with this man in my heart of hearts. I've been able to give to my husband all that I can. I could live like this forever. Wanting and not receiving. I am totally not sure what that means for me or my husband.

 

Does your husband know this? He's ok with this?

 

Or has he been living a lie this entire time?

 

YOU could live forever like this...but do you think that's fair to your H?

 

Or do you think that now that you and OM have confessed your love for each other, it's going to be FAR HARDER to live like this going forward?

[GroupFitness]

I feel for you Someday but Owl is right. You can't eat your cake and have it too. You have to make a CONSCIOUS decision to let this other man go if your marriage is what you choose to remain in.

 

See, contrary to popular belief, intense feelings cannot sustain itself for a long time, it's impossible. A flame cannot continually burn if you don't feed it. It will ONLY subside if you ACTIVELY take steps to walk away from it. Which means cut off contact with this man completely and let him exist only in your dreams. You do that long enough and he will stop visiting you even in dreams. But if you insist on relying on this crutch, talking to him, seeing him, thinking about him, then those feelings are not going anywhere and you're going to keep thinking he's the second coming of christ.

 

If you say you want to choose your marriage, then choose your marriage and quit with the excuses, because at the end of the day that is all they are, excuses.

[someday]

My husband would kick my ass and then he'd kick my friends ass. No, I don't think telling him about this would be a good thing for anyone involved. I honestly do not believe that my husband is strong enough to help me deal with this situation. I hate that, but it's true.

 

Does my friend feel the same way about me? Yes. I know he does, through his words and his actions. Again, it just *is* for us. For as long as I can remember. I've never acted on any of this. We've talked here and there throughout the years...well, we've talked a lot but not about this connection....our talks mostly consist of 'Hay, how's the weather?' type of things. This weekend and a few other moments have been deep and intense.

 

Nope. I cannot base my life on a maybe. I can't upset my kids for a maybe.

[fooled once]

Owl's advice is DEAD on.

 

If you can't do what he suggested, then you will continue with this fantasy. Continuing with this fantasy is robbing your H of a life with someone who can share all of their self with him. You are being incredibly unfair, disrespectful and dishonest with him. He deserves to be able to find someone else to love, someone who loves him as much as he loves them.

[2long]

There's one other option, but it's not a good one and it will be difficult:

 

Get your H and your so-called "friend" 2gether and convince your H that your friendship is harmless. NEVER EVER do or say anything with your "friend" that you wouldn't do or say in front of your H. Better still, never be alone with the friend without your H with you at the time.

 

I think you'll quickly learn why Steve Harley says "an affair is what your spouse thinks it is" and that the only real choice you have here is NC for life - if you want your marriage.

 

-ol' 2long

[someday]

My friend would never cross that line unless I invited him to cross it…and even then he might not anyway because he loves me. He very much dislikes my husband but is cordial to him for my sake and the sake of my kids.

 

I’ve told my friend before that I’d be married for a few more years. I want to give my kids the benefits of a two parent family. My children are my priority. I will do all that I can for them. My marriage is not horrible- it was very close to intolerable in the not too distant past, but now it’s ok. We don’t argue all the time, show each other love and affection, work together for the benefit of the family. We are partners. I do love my husband, I do love him very much.

 

I am positive that my marriage is able to continue in this manner because I’ve chosen to say F-it and just be who I am…my husband can like it or leave it. I’m just not going to keep running myself in circles anymore. I’ll do what I want, when I want. Husband has no more pressure from me. I stopped wanting to make this work.

 

As I read my last two paragraphs I’m amazed. It doesn’t seem like my saying ‘forget it- I don’t want it’ would make things better between us- my husband and I- but it has. I’m not fulfilled though. I’m left empty quite often. He doesn’t seem to notice or to mind. For many years I’ve thought that what my husband feels for me is something like love, but it’s not love. I’m not sure what it is.

 

I’ve talked till I was blue in the face. I’ve been calm, I’ve been raging, I’ve been everything in between…and the same issues that we’ve had years ago are the same issues we have now. Same old same. Hence, the forget it attitude of mine.

 

So I see where my thoughts of my friend are a ‘fantasy’ of what could be. Dreams….based in reality. What he and I share is a real connectedness that just is part of who we are, who we’ve always been. I am not the type of person to just jump into anything. I think things through first. I’ve thought and thought on this subject.

 

For the most part, most of me, has a wall built up so that my friend can’t get in. I don’t agree with cheating. I don’t agree with affairs. I know that these things hurt and that they are selfish. Yet, I fear that if my friend pursued me I’d crumble…I can well imagine the wondrous feelings that sharing myself with him would bring me….and I can imagine the brokenness that I’d feel in myself afterwards….I don’t believe I can do this to myself….

 

No, I think I will have to stick to my original plan of remaining married for a few more years, or longer if my marriage actually becomes something that I want again. My husband certainly has the opportunity, the knowledge, and the know how to work with me to make this marriage worthwhile for both of us. If we can’t make this marriage work for both of us by teh time my youngest is older then I’m totally out.

 

Just so you all know, my husband and I came to an agreement a long time ago. We both know and accept that there are things about one another that we will never know, we will never share. He’s told me point blank that he’d never tell me everything and he accepts that I will do the same. Also, I’ve no doubt in my mind that my husband will be just fine when I leave him. He will be angry, he will threaten, and he will find himself in another relationship within the month of my departure. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he’s in another relationship right now. Maybe not physical but certainly emotional.

Edited June 7, 2010 by someday

[Owl]

Well, there isn't any further advice that anyone can give you that I can see. Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

....and I don’t know what to do.

 

A little back story: I’m married, been with my husband for 19 yrs. We’ve got two teen age children and one 1.5 yr old baby girl (that is not our baby. He had an affair and moved out about 5 yrs ago. He ended that affair after about 7 months and moved back home. I do feel love for him.

 

However, I’ve always been in love with this other man. I’ve known this other man for years, since we were in grade school together. There has always been this connection between us. We never acted on that connection because….well, I don’t know why….I guess in our younger years we thought we wanted different things…come to find out- after nearly 20 years- is that what we wanted when we were younger wasn’t really want we wanted at all.

 

He became involved with a ‘fast’ woman. They had a child, he tried really hard to remain with her. But in the end he couldn’t over look the drinking, drugging and cheating she did. He was single for a long, long, long time. He met and married another woman. In fact he had an affair with her, she left her husband and now they are married. From what I understand the match was not made in Heaven.

 

All I’ve ever wanted was him, him, him….but never was able to have him.

 

I made a life for myself with my husband. My husband and I’ve had some very wonderful times. I’ve shared so much of myself with him….but have never had the ability nor the desire to share myself completely. I tried and he did some stupid things that have left me with an underlying distrust in him that I have no idea how to overcome. I will say that my husband has become a much better man after his affair and near loss of me. He's trying so hard to make me happy.

 

So this ‘thing’ that we share, me and the possible other man in my life (really, the only man in my life) is sweet, it’s intoxicating, it’s romantic, it’s sublime and subliminal….and I can feel my heart beating again. I want him.

 

I want him in every aspect of the word, but I can’t have him. Not like this. Not in this way…..I cannot hurt others through my actions. I simply can’t do it….and yet, I want him. I have to say that I am (or try very hard to be) honest, open, true to myself. And I want him. And I don’t want to hurt anyone…..and I think I could be hurting myself the very worst of all.

 

I’ve not a clue as to which way I should go…..so I sit and do nothing…..and I’m scared.

 

He may have cheated on you physically but you were never his emotionally, so you don't really love him and are lying to yourself.

[someday]

So here I am, 16 days later and I'm back to the feelings of 'no way' could I ever pursue a romantic relationship with my friend. I went through some heavy thinking in the days after our encounter. Went through some intense *wanting* of the fantasy. But that's what it is....it's a FANTASY...of what? What my life could be? Well, I don't know what my life WOULD be like if he and I got together....and the horrible feelings that I experienced after I simply held his hand and we talked so intimately clearly show me that I can't handle being in an affair.

 

The reality is that I’m not cut out for it.

[Corporate]

I wouldn’t be too surprised if he’s in another relationship right now. Maybe not physical but certainly emotional.

 

Are you serious? Do you have evident?

[someday]

Well, there's this lady he used to work with, they've worked together for years. They are very, very good friends. Which I do not begrudge him his friendships, I'm feeling/thinking that this friendship is dangerous. I've told him my thoughts on this matter.

 

She's moved on to another company, that's next door to the last one. They are email and facebook friends. I've seen their communications and, yes, the communications make me uncomfortable (as in 'HAY Baaaaaby!") and yes I've expressed my thoughts to him.

 

Sometimes he opens up to me and says that this friendship scares him, that he knows that she wants more than friendship with him. It's so obvious.

[quankanne]

the lady who works with who – your husband, or the guy you've got feelings for? Sorry, the thread is confusing me a bit ...

 

however, I will say you've come to the realization of what I was going to ask you about, namely, whether you've idealized this old friend to a point where he looks waaaaaaayyyyyy better than the person he actually is: I went through some heavy thinking in the days after our encounter. Went through some intense *wanting* of the fantasy.

 

because in all honesty, it sounds like what you're experiencing is a very normal reaction of someone who's been in a long-term relationship and instead of inviting a potential fight or argument, chooses to see how much greener the grass is on the the other side of the fence without realizing that maybe there's a septic tank on that side of the fence!

 

that said, have you and your husband done anything to help enrich your marriage, especially after his affair? Because it sounds like you're trying to make a go of this marriage but don't have the "proper tools" needed to build it into something y'all both want. That can be anything from counselling to going on retreat to taking classes designed to help you improve the marriage.

 

I know where you are coming from, we've been married nearly as long as y'all have, and yes, I'll confess there are times I fantasize about how wonderful a new relationship would be because the new guy would be a lot more perfect than my grumpy old husband with the bad back and low sex drive. And I carry on with this mindset until something happens to make me realize the marriage is only as good as the effort we put into it, or when he'll completely surprise me by being the guy I'm longing for ...

 

don't look at it so much as biding your time 'til you can escape, but an opportunity to turn this thing around to where you're BOTH happy with what you've got. If anything, a marriage reinvents itself consistently, and sometimes, that's all the encouragement you need to make things better.

 

q

[Windsurf66]

My friend would never cross that line unless I invited him to cross it…and even then he might not anyway because he loves me. He very much dislikes my husband but is cordial to him for my sake and the sake of my kids.

 

I’ve told my friend before that I’d be married for a few more years. I want to give my kids the benefits of a two parent family. My children are my priority. I will do all that I can for them. My marriage is not horrible- it was very close to intolerable in the not too distant past, but now it’s ok. We don’t argue all the time, show each other love and affection, work together for the benefit of the family. We are partners. I do love my husband, I do love him very much.

 

I am positive that my marriage is able to continue in this manner because I’ve chosen to say F-it and just be who I am…my husband can like it or leave it. I’m just not going to keep running myself in circles anymore. I’ll do what I want, when I want. Husband has no more pressure from me. I stopped wanting to make this work.

 

As I read my last two paragraphs I’m amazed. It doesn’t seem like my saying ‘forget it- I don’t want it’ would make things better between us- my husband and I- but it has. I’m not fulfilled though. I’m left empty quite often. He doesn’t seem to notice or to mind. For many years I’ve thought that what my husband feels for me is something like love, but it’s not love. I’m not sure what it is.

 

I’ve talked till I was blue in the face. I’ve been calm, I’ve been raging, I’ve been everything in between…and the same issues that we’ve had years ago are the same issues we have now. Same old same. Hence, the forget it attitude of mine.

 

So I see where my thoughts of my friend are a ‘fantasy’ of what could be. Dreams….based in reality. What he and I share is a real connectedness that just is part of who we are, who we’ve always been. I am not the type of person to just jump into anything. I think things through first. I’ve thought and thought on this subject.

 

For the most part, most of me, has a wall built up so that my friend can’t get in. I don’t agree with cheating. I don’t agree with affairs. I know that these things hurt and that they are selfish. Yet, I fear that if my friend pursued me I’d crumble…I can well imagine the wondrous feelings that sharing myself with him would bring me….and I can imagine the brokenness that I’d feel in myself afterwards….I don’t believe I can do this to myself….

 

No, I think I will have to stick to my original plan of remaining married for a few more years, or longer if my marriage actually becomes something that I want again. My husband certainly has the opportunity, the knowledge, and the know how to work with me to make this marriage worthwhile for both of us. If we can’t make this marriage work for both of us by teh time my youngest is older then I’m totally out.

 

Just so you all know, my husband and I came to an agreement a long time ago. We both know and accept that there are things about one another that we will never know, we will never share. He’s told me point blank that he’d never tell me everything and he accepts that I will do the same. Also, I’ve no doubt in my mind that my husband will be just fine when I leave him. He will be angry, he will threaten, and he will find himself in another relationship within the month of my departure. I wouldn’t be too surprised if he’s in another relationship right now. Maybe not physical but certainly emotional.

 

Talk to your husband about your concerns and unhappiness, and go for MC as well. And do tell him your plans for a divorce a few years later, this is to be fair to him. One spouse planning for an exit years ago, and suddenly dropping a bomb on the other spouse few years later is totally unfair. You need to give him the chance to work on the marriage.

 

As for your potential OM, forget it for now until u are divorce. A relationship that originated from an affair and built on lies and the pain of others, have little chance of surviving. If both you and your OM are adulterers who broke their vows, both of you will never really trust each other.