zerovandez Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 So long story short. I was dating a girl for 10 years. Started when I was just 17. We ended up living together for pretty much the entire time. During the first year, I did have another fling with another girl. That lasted for 2 months and my ex and I got back together because I realized that she was the one. So the rest of the relationship had it's goods and bads. We did normal couple stuff I guess. Last year, she rekindled some kind of romantic flame with her long lost best friend in Ohio. In short, she ends up cheating on me, leaving me for him, and now living with him in Ohio. A few months went on and I didn't contact her at all. I didn't ask about her well being, nor did I call/text/IM her. So that lasted about 6 months. Recently, she's been IM'ing me stating that she's not over me, she is still in love with me, and she wants "us" again. This has been going on for about a month or 2. I'd tell her the same, I do miss her, and I'm still in love with her. I simply want her back. So days go by but I don't see anything really happening. She's saying all of these things but doesn't do anything about it. I felt like a jerk responding to her knowing that she has a boyfriend that she lives with. It seemed like she was doing the same thing to him as she did to me. So I wrote an email stating that she does not contact me unless she's willing to actually move back so we can reconcille our differences. From what I can tell, she does want me back and I do want her back. But nothing is happening! At this point, I feel like I just threw away my 2nd chance. I really want her back as we've shared so much together. I haven't heard from her since the email I wrote. I love and miss her so much. I'm not sure what to do, think, or feel. I'm just really lost, help!
Cantcope Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Sounds to me like she's having trouble in paradise. Do you really want to be second choice? In my opinion, if she wanted you, first of all, she wouldn't have done what she did. Secondly, she would have left him and she'd be on your door step right now. I know this is hard. Dig deep and find your self respect. You deserve more!
Author zerovandez Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I think the whole thing about 2nd place or 2nd choice is a bunch of pride talk right? I mean all things aside, it's about what 2 people want. And I just learned that she's not "in love" with Mr. Magnificent anymore so why isn't she making a move?! I can understand why she did it, strangley enough. I was the only one she's ever been with. I was her first for EVERYTHING as she was mine. Like I said, I did have a fling early in the relationship and realized my mistakes and who I wanted to be with. Is there a chance she's doing the same thing and realizing as well?
supersub Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 So long story short. I was dating a girl for 10 years. Started when I was just 17. We ended up living together for pretty much the entire time. During the first year, I did have another fling with another girl. That lasted for 2 months and my ex and I got back together because I realized that she was the one. So the rest of the relationship had it's goods and bads. We did normal couple stuff I guess. Last year, she rekindled some kind of romantic flame with her long lost best friend in Ohio. In short, she ends up cheating on me, leaving me for him, and now living with him in Ohio. A few months went on and I didn't contact her at all. I didn't ask about her well being, nor did I call/text/IM her. So that lasted about 6 months. Recently, she's been IM'ing me stating that she's not over me, she is still in love with me, and she wants "us" again. This has been going on for about a month or 2. I'd tell her the same, I do miss her, and I'm still in love with her. I simply want her back. So days go by but I don't see anything really happening. She's saying all of these things but doesn't do anything about it. I felt like a jerk responding to her knowing that she has a boyfriend that she lives with. It seemed like she was doing the same thing to him as she did to me. So I wrote an email stating that she does not contact me unless she's willing to actually move back so we can reconcille our differences. From what I can tell, she does want me back and I do want her back. But nothing is happening! At this point, I feel like I just threw away my 2nd chance. I really want her back as we've shared so much together. I haven't heard from her since the email I wrote. I love and miss her so much. I'm not sure what to do, think, or feel. I'm just really lost, help! Sorry to hear this my Friend. Difficult having to deal with the emotions, but if you can get to a rational place. (We all have our moments) I would ignore her while she is with the other guy. Its counter intuitive, but if she gets the emotional support from you she will think that doesn't have to come back to you, and you will end up feeling worse. I think about it this way. You sent the email with an ultimatum. She hasn't responded. So don't do anything else, you did the noble thing, don't demean yourself. The ball is firmly in her court. Remember you cannot force people to feel or do, they must do that for themselves. In the meantime, try to put it out of your mind and stay as busy as you can. Know its not easy but you have to try. Hope this helps.
Author zerovandez Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I guess all I can do is focus on myself. It sucks to feel that I don't have control over this situation. But on a better note, I can choose to have control over myself which is more important right now. Why must love be so hurtful? I guess we'll never know. Thanks for the replies. You guys/gals are awesome!
Author zerovandez Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 So she finally moved back. Before all of this, she tells me she needs me, she wants me, doesn't want to date anyone else but she wants to "do her" or focus on herself? I'm really confused at this point and I'm kind of sick of it. Should I just grill her and ask her what the heck is it that she wants? Should I be a friend for now? What are your thoughts?
Calendula Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 So she finally moved back. Before all of this, she tells me she needs me, she wants me, doesn't want to date anyone else but she wants to "do her" or focus on herself? I'm really confused at this point and I'm kind of sick of it. Should I just grill her and ask her what the heck is it that she wants? Should I be a friend for now? What are your thoughts? Give her time, and simply be patient and understanding with her. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you, she will figure it out. From your other posts in this thread it sounds like you two have been so much a part of each others lives, that you have ruined each other for anyone else. Perhaps you shared so many relationship experiences with each other from an early age that you grew into each others best matches. She may just still be processing everything, and coming to terms with the intensity of her feelings for you compared to her more recent experiences. Give her space, give her time, be supportive, be understanding, and simply love her. Do your best to not do anything hurtful because of your frustration, and understand that if she lashes out at you it may be misdirected emotion and truly mean nothing negative. I know that for me I always felt I had to find myself and figure out for sure what I truly wanted from/with my life partner before I felt I could be whole in a long term relationship. Perhaps this is what she is currently doing, focusing on herself and figuring out what she really wants, and she needs time and space to do it. Believe me, if you two are truly meant for each other and are really each others best matches, she will come back to you and be a better person for the time you spent apart. Don't push her, just her be and your relationship with her find its own balance.
Calendula Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I think the whole thing about 2nd place or 2nd choice is a bunch of pride talk right? I mean all things aside, it's about what 2 people want. And I just learned that she's not "in love" with Mr. Magnificent anymore so why isn't she making a move?! I can understand why she did it, strangley enough. I was the only one she's ever been with. I was her first for EVERYTHING as she was mine. Like I said, I did have a fling early in the relationship and realized my mistakes and who I wanted to be with. Is there a chance she's doing the same thing and realizing as well? I agree with you that the whole "should I give them a second chance" is a bunch of cr*p. A second chance implies to me that you are giving the same person another opportunity to do the same thing, and that you giving them something tangible, like a gift. I don't think this is what actually happens when a rekindled relationship ends up working out. Both people have to agree that they want to try again with each other; it isn't about what just one person does or does not want. I think the key to starting over with someone is to fully recognize and accept that this person you used to know has become someone new. They have changed with their experiences, they have learned about themselves and life, and a million little things will be different even though the essence of the person may be the same as you remember. If you go into a fresh start with someone thinking that they will be the SAME person you once new, you are practically dooming yourself to repeat the past and the negative outcome it led to for the relationship you had back then. Your perspective of the person has to remain open in order for you to see how they have changed. People grow, people change, and if you rekindle a relationship with a former lover, you have to recognize that you are truly STARTING OVER, not starting back where you left off. You won't be completely at square one like you would be with a complete stranger, because you already know many things about the person's past, who they essentially are, but you are building a NEW relationship with them one step at a time. Approach it as you would a new relationship with someone you don't know and MAKE A POINT of taking things SLOW. If it works out in the long term it will be because you were careful from the beginning. Right now you are laying the foundation work for your new relationship with this person. How strong and detailed a foundation you build will determine your long term success and the overall stability of your future relationship, so don't be hasty and sloppy about it. TAKE YOUR TIME. Best of luck, and remember to be patient with her. It may seem like it takes forever, but if things work out for the two of you, you will have your whole lives ahead of you to spend together.
Author zerovandez Posted July 7, 2010 Author Posted July 7, 2010 Calendula, Thank you so much for your detailed input. I greatly appreciate it! I've been really patient throughout this whole ordeal and will continue to do so. I haven't lashed out at her at all. When we speak on the phone, she cries but I assure her everything will be well. I do let her know that I take part blame in the current outcome and I'm honestly owning up to it. I'm not putting it in such words that puts all the blame on me as it takes 2 to tango. I have not contacted her since sometime last week. Is it important to go on the no contact game at this point? Or should I reply if she initiates contact?
Calendula Posted July 7, 2010 Posted July 7, 2010 I can't think of any rational reason why you should ignore her if she contacts you. You might avoid constantly initiating contact in order to give her space, but if she reaches out to you and you truly care for her, it makes the most sense to me for you to be supportive and let her know how you feel. If you are wondering how she is doing, you might drop her a line (nothing pressuring, just a "I was thinking about you, hope things are going well for you") and even if she doesn't respond to you, at least she knows you're still there for her. It is always nice to know someone cares. I also think you should try to avoid the whole 'games' issue and just do what feels right and you think is best for your situation, regardless of what others may think. If you continue to be completely honest with yourself (as it seems you are doing) and continue to be completely honest and patient with her (which I think you may also be doing), and if you both do your best to work through whatever issues pulled you apart in the past, I think you stand a good chance of having things work out for the long run. It also might help you some to read around the LS forums, perhaps on the 'breaking up,' 'coping,' and 'self improvement' boards, to get an idea of what she might be working through as far as 'finding herself' goes. From what you've said, it seems to me like you're on the right track and moving in the right direction. I think it will work out for you, just keep moving forward.
Author zerovandez Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 I just got to thinking about her position and put myself in her shoes. She must be really hurting without this other guy. She'll probably never really let him go. I say that because she risked losing me to be with him so apparently, she really loves this guy, and probably still does. IF we are to rekindle, how am I supposed to deal with her and him still being friends? I really gave it thought and would probably ask her to stop all communications with this guy but I don't think she would. I guess I'm just jumping to conclusions to quick without anything happening yet. Maybe it's hope? But i seriously feel like ***** today. On a side note, I am starting to "date" someone else who is proving to be really into me but she has the same first name as my ex...FML. I just can't shake my ex off of my mind. I'm just ranting..
Calendula Posted July 8, 2010 Posted July 8, 2010 She'll probably never really let him go. I say that because she risked losing me to be with him so apparently, she really loves this guy, and probably still does. IF we are to rekindle, how am I supposed to deal with her and him still being friends? I really gave it thought and would probably ask her to stop all communications with this guy but I don't think she would. Once you have shared a part of your life with someone, no matter how briefly or how long, that person becomes a part of who you are. Because of this, you can never truly let go of them completely. Just as she may be hurting over this guy currently, I guarantee she is still emotionally connected to you on some level and thinks of you. It is impossible to deny or ever completely forget the effect the past has on you (unless you lose all your memory of course), and it is foolish to try. As far as what you should/could do about her contacting this guy if you ever rekindle your relationship, deal with it when the time comes. Why worry about such a thing now? It may be that if she ends up with you for the long haul, then her relationship with the current guy under discussion will have evolved into something other than a romantic one and would therefore support, rather than detract, from whatever relationship you may build with her in the future. People change, relationships change, this is a constant in life. As far as forbidding her from contacting this guy, I think that would be a rather insecure and selfish move on your part. You would also be trying to stop the inevitable. Consider this: It is important for every person to have a support network, built of others who love them and want the best for them (family, best friends, past lovers, etc); this is especially the case when things get rough in a close romantic relationship. If she truly cares for you, than she will choose to be with you. If this guy truly cares for her, than he will support her decision and try and help her find a way to be happy with you, especially when things get hard. Just because she may love this guy in some way, doesn't mean she can't also love you in a different way; love is not exclusive, and there are as many different types of love in this world as there are pairs of people. It will work itself out, just give it time.
Author zerovandez Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 Thanks again for putting things into perspective for me. You make things so easy and calm. Speaking of support networks, YOU are a great help! Can I send you flowers or something? There should be more people like you everywhere!
Calendula Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 LOL Thanks for that You made me smile. No flowers are now necessary. Honestly, knowing that I've helped you gain a bit of perspective and perhaps some insight into what is going on in your life is enough. Stick around posting and reading on LS for long enough and you'll find that there are a number of people like me on here. It has a lot to do with timing, but sometimes when you reach out into the abyss that is the internet with a question about your life, someone you'll never meet reaches back and lends you a steadying hand to help you find the answer. Others on here have helped me, both directly and indirectly, so it is nice to know I've managed to pass a bit of it on. Best of luck. - C
Author zerovandez Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Just an update. Nothing has happened and I've learned that she's still deeply in love with this other guy. Win some, lose most. Time to rebuild...
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