nicoleoctober Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) I have been married for 12.5 years...together for 14. 4 beautiful children. We met while he was in the Marines and I was actually still in high school. So as you can imagine, we have done a lot of changing, etc. We just recently became separated. Its really both of us that are at fault, however I left after he told me he wanted to separate and told me to leave. Just a warning I can get to be long winded and this will no doubt be a long post. LOL. I apologize if it gets splotchy and jumps around. I am not here to make myself look like the victim..there is always 2 sides to every story...and here is mine We both made mistakes. Problems in our marriage started right after I had my first daughter, we were married for almost 5 years at the time. It was a really trying time for me. My hormones were out of whack, my body was in my eyes horrible and disgusting, I was exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. I kinda lost my way for a little bit and instead of my husband reaching out to me at a time where we both needed each other he ventured into the arms of another woman. I was devastated when I found out. I never cried so hard in my life! He never really apologized and never really felt he did something wrong. He says it was just emotional but given his history, I felt deep down it was a full on affair. But I let him back into my heart but I was never able to fully forgive him. And because of that, I let it eat at me and eat me until I became a person I didn't want to become. Bitter and angry. It was always in the back of my mind. I keep wondering if that was just my excuse? I don't know...I just know that I used to think about it everyday and it ruined who I was. I look back and I can't believe I let it take over me so badly. We moved on with life. Things got happier. We had 3 more kids bought a few houses in between. With the stress of me working and him working and children we never really made time with each other. When he worked I was off, when I worked he was off. We lost the importance of being with each other and communication. He was never one to communicate anything with me and if he did it was nasty and accusatory. When I started noticing these things and realizing that all we did was fight and fight over the pettiest things and tried to talk to him about it, he would just tell me that I was crazy for feeling this. So eventually, I started to give up and pushed him away. I started to not want him to touch me and eventually the sight of him just made my skin crawl. He is an excellent father, provider and was always big in helping out around the house (which was great because with 4 kids it gets hard)..I give him that. All these things are soo appreciated but he never tried to have a romance with me. He just never made me FEEL like his wife. He never EVER told me I was beautiful, never tried to make time to actually go out and have fun with me, date night? whats that? you know all the little things that probably don't really matter, but you know what, they did to me. I became sad and lonely and still bitter. So, a few months ago, it got really bad. We started to sleep in separate beds, barely talked. I took to my own activities while he did his own. He just didn't want to communicate with me about things and often times made me feel 3 inches big with the way he DID talk to me. I tried to talk and even sent a few emails his way trying to get him to open up but I just could not get him to realize that we were heading downwards. He just never acknowledged it, until he started accusing me of not spending time with him, etc. At that time though I was too far gone, perhaps I was just being stubborn. The breaking point for me was when we were talking about his friend and he was having problems with his wife. He actually said to me (not in these exact words but pretty close to it) that he told his friend that marriage ruined his life! I kinda shook it off but then started to realize what it was that he was actually saying. I broke down and cried and cried til I couldn't breath. He came home from work and I was still crying. I told him that I wasn't sure what was going on with us that I didn't' know what to do about our marriage anymore, about him. He got defensive of course. Never said, lets sit down and talk about things. So, I actually started getting involved emotionally with a really close friend of mine. Just texting back and forth, but I needed someone to talk to. I wish I would have tried to push for my husband but I didn't. THAT is my biggest regret. I was hurt and angry. A few nights later, he came to me. I thought maybe he finally wanted to talk about things and try to make our marriage whole again...but he dropped the whole "lets separate" on my lap and said that I should try to find somewhere else to live. His last line to me was "but I am not cheating on you". I never once gave him the impression that I thought he was, so why he was offering that piece of information to me...was beyond me. I was soo hurt and confused. So, I started to look for places and found a place I could afford. I was able to move in super quickly. He kept asking me why I was rushing things, I guess he never thought I would leave? I don't know. But I was just too hurt and felt betrayed, I just couldn't stay and face him everyday. So, I left. A few days later, I asked him what he wanted to come out of this separation? He said he didn't know...once again, shutting down. I told him maybe he would be happier without me? Maybe I couldn't be the wife he wanted me to be? I told him that he was my family and then I cracked and cried and couldn't talk anymore...he never tried. He just said, its ok, I will get over this. So that was where we were. This is was what he wanted. For a while, I kept hoping that he would come swooping in and tell me he was sorry and that everything will be okay. LOL what fantasy world was I living in. A few weeks later, I ended up getting together with my friend (he came and visited with me for a few weeks, he lives a few states away) and I started laughing again and smiling and just enjoying myself. I was able to be myself with him and it was like a huge brick was lifted. He gave me the romance I craved, I actually felt beautiful and loved and felt a tiny bit of happiness. But nothing can ever come of it, he is too far away, has too many ties to where he is. I dont' need that on top of everything else. My friends told me not to get involved, and they are right. I cried everyday still, I still cry everyday. I miss my family, my home, my *old* life! My husband has found someone new. I don't know how serious they are, but he has someone. He told me its "nothing". He says he is happy and has moved on and that I should too. But I can't. I can't throw away all these years and say that we didn't' try. But I can't make it work when I am the only one trying. I guess he was gone a long time ago and it took me a long time to catch up. He wants to get divorced. I am heartbroken. We did so well for so long...everyone is in complete SHOCK. They called us the super couple. We were good actors I guess. My mommom even cried when I told her, she said that we were meant to be together and were complete soulmates. Its amazing how people see things from the outside. A few weeks ago, he texted me at 3am begging me to come and help him, he needed to get to the ER and ended up needing to have surgery. I was there for him, I made every effort I could to be there. He was grateful, but that was it. I had hope and it was shot down. I asked him if I could come back, he just said, "don't do this to me, I thought you wanted this to be it". And whenever I said "we never tried to make it work" he would always respond "what are you saying?". Like he wants me to ask to come back, but wont' offer it. I am not sure what the purpose of separating is. I figured it would be a chance for us to find ourselves again and then make our way back to each other. I guess he just went a different road then I did. So, I am left at a crossroad. I have sent a few emails to him...just trying to talk to him about things, about how things were, my feelings. He hasn't responded. I even asked him if he would consider MC. No response. As a final ditch effort I asked him on a date. I have tickets to see a play in NYC. Told him that it doesn't have to be a date date thing. Just a last hurrah for us. Told him to think about it. He has yet to give me an answer. So we will see. I guess I just want to give us another chance...give us a chance to try to work things out. In my head I see him talking to me and see us coming up with ways to communicate. I know I know, I am delusional. I guess I just crave being hurt. IN complete denial. We are very good communicators when it comes to the children. We get along more now then we ever did. But we dont see each other everyday and really only communicate through text. Its only been about 3 months. Any advice? Should I just let it go?? My heart says no, but my head says yes. Thanks if you got this far Edited June 1, 2010 by nicoleoctober
secret29 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 oh hun i so feel for you..why does all this love stuff have to be so hard? i don't have any answers or words of advice for you cos i'm at the very beginning of a break up myself. all i can offer you are loads of hugs and support. please keep writing here, the people here are amazing and can offer you much more than me! good luck xxx
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