processing Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I spoke to my ex the other day after a couple of weeks of NC. We broke because he began talking to another woman. He claims that they were just friends, but as soon as we split up, they hooked up. This woman joined his social network page through a friend of a friend. I noticed it and felt uneasy. Apparently she saw his number on his profile and proceeded to call/text him and for the month we were still together... he claims that they were talking as friends. However now that we're apart... they're dating. We argued and he's saying that he saw nothing wrong with being her friend and sees nothing wrong with their dating now. He's right there is nothing wrong with them dating now that we're apart, my point to him was however they started building a foundation with one another while he was in a relationship with me (he still seems not to get this). Unfortunately I can't say that he's lying to me, I know him and he has a lot of female friends which I've always felt comfortable and unthreatened with/by. This one I always thought wanted something more and I was right because they're dating now. He wants to be friends, wants me in his life and can't understand that because of that whole ordeal it's just not going to happen. I mean am I crazy? He was starting a emotional affair right? Do people sometimes start these without even realizing that's what's happening and then justify their actions? Is it just that he doesn't want to think of himself as a 'cheater'? Also he lied to me about their contact while we were dating. So even though the first few days it might have started out as a friendship it most defn turned into something more very quickly. I guess the question I'm asking is what do you think? If he started this in friendship with another woman and then suddenly they become a couple right after we split he "cheated" on me in essence and this person is a GIG or rebound right? I'm not trying to get back together with him any longer btw. After our long conversation I decided that it's defn NOT in my best interest. I told him NOT to contact me again. Well... I also said as long as he's talking to the OW I don't want to hear from him and also infact not to contact me again unless he's looking to reconcile. But I don't want to. I'm a bit over his antics now. I am healing very well btw. No desires to contact him, actually he's the one whose been trying to initiate contact for the past month. I guess I was just wondering your whole take on why people sometimes don't see what they're doing as crossing the relationship boundaries and well basically cheating. I figured it was a clear classic case. Relationships usually start by communication first then eventually grow from there. He said it wasn't his intention, Im not sure it's anyone's intention (well maybe some) but like I said, as soon as we split they hooked up - and we split because he had been talking to her.
Author processing Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I think in contacting me also he was trying to use me as a emotional crutch because he's been doing through some rough times and since this gal is new it's not like he was say to her hey I'm jobless, homeless, depressed and broke. I have been thinking also that if the 'relationship' was so great with her that he wouldn't be contacting me at all. In my experience when a ex is enjoying the new life and in his case, partner he picked he wouldn't be trying to keep in contact with me. Right? Not that it's probably horrible but I think it's in the infactuation stage. Or the honeymoon stage if you will. And he can be comfortable with me.
Disintegration Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Well if he got her number while he was with you I would take that as a form of cheating, getting numbers while you are with someone in my book is cheating. However she got his number through his site. He didn't have to talk to her, or could have told her he was in a relationship and didn't see it as appropriate that she call him. It's one thing for him to have female friends before you were together but she became a "friend" during your relationship. Seems like there was intent. It didn't seem like he respected your relationship enough to put boundaries in place and allowed himself to become her friend. Of course now that you are no longer together there isn't anything from stopping them from being together. I think that just made it easier for them to date.
Ronni_W Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I agree with you that it sounds like their "emotional bond" started growing stronger while you and he were still officially together. My guess is that one has to be at least a little bit conscious of the growing attraction (maybe not, though) -- and perhaps he thought, wrongly as it's turned out, that he was 'strong enough' to not go down that road with her. I have been thinking also that if the 'relationship' was so great with her that he wouldn't be contacting me at all. The challenge with thinking like that is that it's gonna come back around. As in, maybe she used a similar thought process (about his relationship with you) when he started giving her more of his time and attention. In any event. I'm glad your healing is going well, and wish you much success.
Author processing Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) I was just talking to another male friend about this and I guess I left a bit off here... well after she initially contacted him... he went with the flow and for a month, texting, calling, sending emails, photos sometimes all day long - he had stopped contacting me as much and lied when I asked him about her a few times (ie if he had any contact with her to which he answered no.) Sorry for leaving that little bit of information out. I still am a little... zoned and can't get my head wrapped around why he doesn't think that communicating with a woman 90% than he had with me wasn't cheating. Even as we spoke he made the excuse that I wasn't around... I took a proper holiday the fourth week of their flirtation because I knew that we'd have to break up and I was trying to clear my mind and figure out how to leave. Ronni - the difference is, I can't be with him any longer :- ( my heart's saying hmmm but my head is defn saying NO WAY and I'm listening to it. Disten - Seems like there was intent. It didn't seem like he respected your relationship enough to put boundaries in place and allowed himself to become her friend. Of course now that you are no longer together there isn't anything from stopping them from being together. I think that just made it easier for them to date. You know when we spoke he kept saying that it was not his intention but yeah I guess you hit it on the head, he did not respect our relationship enough. So if that's the case, I wonder why he thinks that now we can just be friends or worse, me be his backup plan just in case this doesn't work out or/and his emotional crutch? Hmp. Edited June 1, 2010 by processing
Scarlett513 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 In my opinion, you are totally justified in feeling that he was beginning an emotional affair. And you are also justified in not wanting to be in his life. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it, and you have absolutely no obligation to be his friend. Cut him off, move on, and don't look back. Don't let him make you feel like a jerk for not wanting contact with him.
Author processing Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I don't feel like a jerk! Thankfully. Been so even headed over this. I've had moments of questions but thankfully Ive come here and have gotten some good support. I mean... I don't hate him. I truly don't. I think he just made some choices that weren't the greatest. I understand that he did what was right for him, that's kool but the way he did it hurt any potential friendship or otherwise ie. the other woman. If he wanted out he should have just left.
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