Author CrayonAngel Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 He's never actually cheated on me. Yes, he's had years and years of phone sex, scanning sex ads, strip clubs, and one EA when we were first together. But I need to clear that up that he hasn't had sex with anyone else since we've been together. Writing things out sometimes is a slap in the face because sometimes I wonder why I've stayed through all of this. He is on his LAST chance with me, and he knows this. He slips, I leave. I am too young to be dealing with such problems. Here lately..I've been focusing on myself, and myself only(his problems are his problems). I love him, I spend time with him..we bond on a daily basis because of this major turn in our M. BUT I am trying my hardest to get away from the "co-dependent thinking" I know I can do anything I want as long as put my heart into it. I am a very creative person and here lately have been doing everything in my power to find my own happiness...It's working. The mess he created has damaged everything I think/feel about myself. There was a time when I didn't want to look at myself naked in the mirror. This is my problem for giving him this much power over me, his mistakes shouldn't destroy me. Thanks for listening.
Jeff1962 Posted June 28, 2010 Posted June 28, 2010 I went to write my H an email (today is our 6 year anniversary) and I was unexpectedly bombarded by hysterical tears. My H is a recovering Sex Addict. You can read my story under the username blueeyedjonesy. For the first time in our relationship..I don't know what the hell to say to him, I really don't. Today I feel like dying, if I'm not already dead inside.(I have my suspisions) Sometimes I just want to call it quits. I watch him, like a hawk..I watch his eyes to make sure they aren't wondering away, I hate being around other women who are just slightly attractive. My self-esteem is gone...nowhere to be found. I have to WORST anxiety...the feeling that everything will come crashing down around me again..it never leaves. I'm starting to feel crazy. I think I need to go to the dr and get on meds..this is no way to live. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but these words are never spoken to anyone else and when they come out it feels like a damn is breaking. I don't know what to do anymore. I fear everyday that my children one day will have to feel this heartbreak. Listen to your own words and I quote you, (My self-esteem is gone. I watch him like a hawk. Sometimes I just want to call it quits. The feeling that everything will come crashing down around me again. I hate being around other women who are slightly attractive. My husband is a recovering sex addict. This is no way to live) This is not your problem but you pay the price for his disfunction because you are in love with him. First of all, how long has it been since you first discovered this about your H.? The reason I ask is because you need to give the both of you time to heal so that you can both think with clear minds in order to make a clear decision concerning the next step in your lives not only for yourself but for your family. Seek out a counsler and do not make any life changing decisions until you have been in counseling for about 9 months. You have been nothing but kind to me. I know that I do not know you personally but you seem like a good person. I think you hold fidelity in high accord, are a good mother and friend. To be very honest with you, I think you are quite attractive. What man in his right mind woukd not want this in a mate? Keep your chin up gal. You deserve to be happy. Not every man cheats. Yes, us men are driven by sex, we are even somewhat a slave to sex. But some of us recognize the importance of a faithful partner and see the depth and beauty that comes with one partner, getting to know eachother over time and growing old together. Get your head straight before you make any rash decisions. I will have many good thoughts for you.
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 28, 2010 Author Posted June 28, 2010 Thanks Jeff! I know that he is changing...I hope that he is changing...thats all I have is hope, but I like myself alot better when I do. I know that in the end, whatever happens I put 110% of myself into our M, if he decides to screw up again then its on him. I've tried everything...If he decides to betray my trust again then he just isn't for me. Right now...like you said Jeff, I just have to give it time. I know his issues have nothing to do with me. It took me a loooong time to see that, but I feel alot better now that I know that. This healing is alot harder than anything I've done. Betrayal sucks..but I'll make it. Jeff I hope you're doing good these days!
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