CrayonAngel Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I went to write my H an email (today is our 6 year anniversary) and I was unexpectedly bombarded by hysterical tears. My H is a recovering Sex Addict. You can read my story under the username blueeyedjonesy. For the first time in our relationship..I don't know what the hell to say to him, I really don't. Today I feel like dying, if I'm not already dead inside.(I have my suspisions) Sometimes I just want to call it quits. I watch him, like a hawk..I watch his eyes to make sure they aren't wondering away, I hate being around other women who are just slightly attractive. My self-esteem is gone...nowhere to be found. I have to WORST anxiety...the feeling that everything will come crashing down around me again..it never leaves. I'm starting to feel crazy. I think I need to go to the dr and get on meds..this is no way to live. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but these words are never spoken to anyone else and when they come out it feels like a damn is breaking. I don't know what to do anymore. I fear everyday that my children one day will have to feel this heartbreak.
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Also..is this a sign that its over? when a day like this, that should be a happy one, hurts?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Crayon, has he made any progress in his sex addiction?
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Jersey, Yes, somewhat. He did the counseling thing, he got some books(none that he read all the way) he is in 12 step but cancels alot of his group sessions. He hasn't admitted to his parents and probably never will (this is a HUGE part of the 12 step) I always have this feeling that it will happen again, and I'm not okay with that. The 3rd and last "discovery" was 8 mos ago and I just don't trust him anymore.
Ronni_W Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Also..is this a sign that its over? when a day like this, that should be a happy one, hurts? It's not necessarily a "sign", CA. Some supposedly "special-happy" dates can bring up these kinds of feelings...especially if we've been trying to ignore them all the other days. To me, I don't think we need to put pressure on ourselves to feel something we're not feeling just because of the date on the calendar. Know what I mean? (I can't get into New Year's Eve...even in a hall with a couple of hundred happy-looking revelers, my feelings tend toward melancholy not merriment during New Year "celebrations".) As for your "sign". I think it's a little voice in your heart that will be letting you know when you are done...it might whisper or it might yell until it gets your attention. What I mean is, your "sign" will come from within. Hugs. I'm sorry your anniversary hasn't been happy.
scatterd Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I think what you are feeling is normal because my anniversary is coming up I feel its a celebration of an ending.I dont know if you felt this way days before but I am.I got really hurt to the core then pissed off back to crying and now numb and not knowing what I want.Just go with the flow I guess.Sorry your hurting
califnan Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 CA, Take the pressure off. Maybe it's not time to celebrate your anniversary yet.. It's been a rocky - unstraight road.. which has lost your trust - or not validated your marriage .. Celebrate when it is time..
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 but then I checked the old posts.... You are too young to feel this way and the way you throw around the word Sex Addict is misleading. You have a young curious husband who may be pre-occupied with porn and sex lines.... An addict no. The counseling and books, sorry over the top. You have decisions to make and I wish you the best.
xxoo Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Today I feel like dying, if I'm not already dead inside.(I have my suspisions) Sometimes I just want to call it quits. I watch him, like a hawk..I watch his eyes to make sure they aren't wondering away, I hate being around other women who are just slightly attractive. My self-esteem is gone...nowhere to be found. I have to WORST anxiety...the feeling that everything will come crashing down around me again..it never leaves. I'm starting to feel crazy. I think I need to go to the dr and get on meds..this is no way to live. I don't suspect that having a breakdown on a "big" day (like an anniversary) is a sign. Days like that tend to stir up emotions. But needing to be medicated to deal with you marriage probably isa sign, in my opinion. I don't want to discourage you from getting the meds (they will help you see more clearly, as well as feel better), but do consider: Would you need meds if you were no longer partnered with your H? It sounds like today is pretty terrible for you. How often do you have days this bad? Do you journal? Try keeping a journal to get a better picture of your life with H. Are you generally happy together, with some days of panic? Or are you generally on edge? Are things getting better or worse, overall? Journaling for a couple months may reveal patterns you don't notice day to day. Wishing you some peace today.
califnan Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 but then I checked the old posts.... You are too young to feel this way and the way you throw around the word Sex Addict is misleading. You have a young curious husband who may be pre-occupied with porn and sex lines.... An addict no. The counseling and books, sorry over the top. You have decisions to make and I wish you the best. ------------------- I am sorry that I did not read the earlier posts.. I took "sex addict" to mean one who has had affairs outside of the marriage. If this is not the case - then Embrace your marriage CA.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. I didn't read all of your prior posts, but I think I get the picture. I agree that your husband's behavior has been hurtful. Clearly you have been hurt by it. Still, and I hope you don't take this as harsh, I think it is up to YOU now to move forward, or not. It sounds like you have "co-dependency" issues. And your husband sounds more immature and self indulgent than sexually addicted, though he might be on that path. Why aren't the two of you in marriage counseling? Certainly I don't know much about your relationship, but it sure seems that your husband needs to understand how much his antics are hurting you and impacting your ability to trust him. On your side, you HAVE to learn how to let go of your preoccupation with his childish crap and to figure out if you can trust him ... and if you can, how to go about it. Also, if you felt better about yourself, what he is doing would not destroy you so much. I really don't think it behooves you or your marriage to have labeled him a "sex addict" and to have him in counseling for that. As far as I could tell from what I read, also, he has NOT been unfaithful to you. Yes, he has been dishonest, disregarded your marital agreements and committed indiscretions (lap dances, spending household money on them). I realize that these kinds of things as well as porn addiction can destroy a marriage. On the other hand, behaving as if he has had a full fledged affair can be pushing him further away and if he is tempted at some point, maybe he'll think he might as well, as he is living with the consequences already anyway. You say you have a great relationship ... a good sex life, amazing kids ... please find ways to build on those positive features of your marriage instead of obsessing on the negative. Bottom line is if you CANNOT trust him, whether it's your problem or his untrustworthiness, your marriage will be in bad trouble.
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 First, Thanks for all of your kind words. and for the last time, I am not here to get into a heated debate about what a sex addict is, after about 100 books, 3 different counselors, and about 6000$ in phone sex calls later I think I'll be the judge. The sickness is not well known enough in the public right now. It has NOTHING to do with my age, and YES my husband has been unfaithful to me, it not then whats the point in vows anymore? I think the co-dependent idea is right on the mark. This is a problem, that needs to be fixed. I stayed with him because I love him. The good things out weigh the bad by far. I am just haviing a hard time dealing with things today, at this point...he is not to blame for the way I am coping.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 CrayonAngel, I am a recovering addict myself (not sex; drugs). I have worked with a lot of addicts of different types and always through a 12 step program. I also lost my happy marriage due to my ex husband's failure to continue to deal with his own drug addiction. I could not live that way, so I ended it. It was in no way easy. The recovery (or not) of any addict is their business ... it is their program. They must fully acknowledge that it's ruining their life, hurting their loved ones, and that they NEED HELP. I don't agree that the 12 steps require that your husband confess to his parents, unless his addictive behavior has harmed them (steps 8 & 9). There are 12 step programs for spouses & loved ones with addictions. Perhaps it might be worth looking into for yourself? Best, and feel better soon.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 First, Thanks for all of your kind words. and for the last time, I am not here to get into a heated debate about what a sex addict is, after about 100 books, 3 different counselors, and about 6000$ in phone sex calls later I think I'll be the judge. The sickness is not well known enough in the public right now. It has NOTHING to do with my age, and YES my husband has been unfaithful to me, it not then whats the point in vows anymore? I think the co-dependent idea is right on the mark. This is a problem, that needs to be fixed. I stayed with him because I love him. The good things out weigh the bad by far. I am just haviing a hard time dealing with things today, at this point...he is not to blame for the way I am coping. To think 3 counselors and 100(?) books and $6,000 would say he is sick I think is an exaggeration..... Heck I don't think Tiger Woods or Jesse James are sex addicts either. Aholes, narcissistic, immature and self-consumed jerks..... YES!!!! Addicts can not function day to day life, because they are consumed by their addiction. I expect your husband is the same. When he is cruising sex ads, spending all disposable income, having random sex as much as possible and flushing his life down the toilet, then you have a sex addict. Right now you have a 23 year old who likes porn and phone sex lines......
You Go Girl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I understand...been there, done that. Strength for you will come with your focus on yourself. Finding things that make you feel good about yourself, proud of yourself, achievements, friendships, etc. Take the focus off him. Ignore what he is doing. He is responsible to himself. He will lie if he wants, to you. It's not your position to monitor his behavior, it's his. You focus on YOU. Get into SA for dependents, or visit Al-anon meetings. He may not be drinking, but all the same rules apply. Al-anon is about YOU. The focus is on what yOU are doing to better YOUR life. You will find strength sharing with others. At first you might not understand why the focus will be on you. Later it will come together after several weeks of meetings. You will meet wonderful people, that although also scarred, have healing wounds. We're all weak at times. We all need a shoulder to lean on. It's part of being human. Only coming to LS is not enough. (although can be helpful). My stbx is a porn addict too. I know exactly what you face. And don't worry about the date on the calendar. My anniversary, I will have just moved out of this house in a couple weeks. I will be spending it alone, and I'll be fine with that. Realize that he is not a complete monster. He just has his issues, immaturity, lack of sexual boundaries, and respect for you. If you work on you, you will be able to either stay with him if he's cleaned up his act, or you will be able to leave. Point being, you will be able to make a decision, and know it is the right one.
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Thank you so much for taking time out of your days to post helpful words and encouragement for me. Everything I read makes sense. Sometimes it's just hard to swallow. I have found that focusing on myself really does help. I have been home with children for 5 yrs now, and I just started my own at home business. It's really taking off, and it's a good feeling. He is there for me, and always has been for the most part. He has a very screwed up R with his family and this is FOR SURE THE CAUSE. It doesn't mean that its anyones fault, he was a coward about his feelings and problems and decided to shove them down deep inside instead of facing them. We are picking up the peices...slowly..today feels like a step back. Thank you all for listening. p.s. Hug your children, show them affection, tell them how much they are adored...if you want them to function in adulthood.
Lovelybird Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I agree with several posters here. You do rely on your husband for your own values too much. You just give the power of defining your worth totally to your husband. I believe it is a burden to him as well. Your husband has the sex addicts issues. But you have your own. I think the business may make your life more full, but not enough. A good healing group may help you better, and find love and support from others, so then you won't depend on your husband too much. If you depend on your husband heavily, he may find it is hard to communicate with you because you will be easily offended or overreact, then you are not safe enough for him to communicate with you, then this will give him more motivation to indulge in porn. so the way to help you two is that YOU become stronger first.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I no longer celebrate the anniversary, because that marriage died on DDAY. I took off the ring and stored it in the jewelry box, where occasionally NOW it will remind me of happier times in the old marriage. Today, I concentrate on me and look to find happiness in the new relationship. But I am only able to do that after allowing myself to mourn the old, to mourn the relationship I though we had, but apparently did not. The anniversary is definitely a trigger. Concentrate on you, what makes you happy, what brings you joy TODAY.
You Go Girl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I spent 5 years in anger crayon. Don't do that. It's a waste of your life and ages you early. It's time to quit crying and take control. Yeah, tell yourself that. Come on, put on your big girl britches and take control of YOUR life. Not his, not the two of yours, take control of what you want. It's the only way to sanity. Addict, immature selfish behavior debate--whatever. Who cares whether he qualifies in some people's eyes. His behavior has hurt you. That's the bottom line. Draw your boundary lines. Tell him what they are, and that if he crosses them, he's history. You ALSO have a right to have a sane, happy life. Not just react to his actions.
lucyskye Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 I think the co-dependent idea is right on the mark. This is a problem, that needs to be fixed. I stayed with him because I love him. The good things out weigh the bad by far. I am just haviing a hard time dealing with things today, at this point...he is not to blame for the way I am coping. There are groups for co-dependents if you are interested in doing the work...take a look for CoDA meetings in your area. I also stayed with my partner through his addiction and subsequent years of recovery for many of the same reasons. There is true support to be found through these meetings. I wish you all the best.
Author CrayonAngel Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 again, Thanks for all the advice. I am doing so much better at the moment...I've started reading a book called "the wisdom of forgiveness" it's really helping me. I've started going back to the gym..and this week I have an appt with my Dr..I am going to talk to him about it all. I love my Dr, he is very understanding and isn't a Dr who will just put you on something to numb you. I know I need help..I've felt the dark cloud overhead for too long now. I can admit, I had problems before my H's issues came to light. I talked to my Mom about stuff not that long ago (the only person who knows the whole story of our M) she told me that I have to let go of the anger..she used my late memaw as an example..I was very close to her, but she was the hardest person to get along with..everyone called her sunshine because she was so crabby(of course not to her favorite grandchild:D) My entire life..I never knew why, She had lost a child in early years, and her H, my grandpa, had an affair. She stayed and never let go of the anger. I had an AH HA moment...If I stay, I have to forgive and move on to be happy. If I can't do this, then I need to leave..simple. Thanks for listening to me babble on today..the baby is taking a nap, so I'm actually getting to think. LOL The advise I get here is great...I just read it over and over.. Thanks Again!
Lecturer Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 She stayed and never let go of the anger. I had an AH HA moment...If I stay, I have to forgive and move on to be happy. If I can't do this, then I need to leave..simple. Congratulations on this revelation. You need to now live your life by it. We all do, I think.
torranceshipman Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 OP, you need to know that not all psychologists and other academics, etc, agree that the concept of a 'sex addict' even exists. I can see you are choosing to believe your H is a sex addict but really, many specialists really see your H's behavior as a man who cheats a lot - period. Just leave him. He is an almighty douchebag and has turned you into a broken person, who defends him by way of saying he is a 'sex addict' as if that somehow excuses the fact that he f*cks multiple females behind your back. Seriously, sex addict or not, life is TOO short. Life is a gift and you are throwing yours in the trash by continuing to exist in a hideous M with this person. There is someone so much lovelier out there for you.
Darth Vader Posted June 26, 2010 Posted June 26, 2010 CrayonAngel, you have to remember something, your husbands cheating is not your fault, it's all his fault! I don't know why you haven't Divorced him, and please don't say it's because you love him, he obviously doesn't love you. Sure he has a sex addition, or so he says, or the Doc says so, still, a person has no right to cheat on the other spouse! Your hubby may be using that as an excuse to get away with, or to try to get away with screwing other women, sounds like a form of blameshifting to me. He could've gotten help for this addiction, in the meantime I'm sure you would've assisted hubby in everyway that you could've. If it were me, I'd be gone, just my 2 cents. We're here for ya girl!
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