soserious1 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Since he's so suddenly into all this "honesty" and "sharing" of feelings, maybe you should tell him that pillow talk about how wet his affair partner gets and how much she excited him totally kills your libido and makes you feel like utter crap?
crazycatlady Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I'm practicing my breathing over here because reading this is just killing me. Lost - oh sweetie. You are doing nothing wrong. 1 - not all women get super wet. Fact of life. 2 - arousal is mental for a large part of it. This constant comparison is going to kill the mental. Its not just YOU and how you feel. He needs to be stroking you mentally way before he strokes you physically. I bet you big bucks he and she talked about sex, and wanting and needing each other way before they got together each and every time...mental sex happening way before the physical. Its priming the pump. He needs to put the same effort into you. If you don't want to talk to him about that, lead by example. If you both have cell phones that can take pictures, take a naughty photo and ask 'what do you want to do to those/this?' or take one and write what you want him to do for you in that area. 3 - He must do some of the work. Its unfair, unkind, and just plain wrong that put this all on you. Saying you aren't passionate, you aren't sexual etc etc. When it comes to a LTR, our partners response to us can and does shape our feelings about sex. You can help things along, think about sex more often, bring it up more frequently, jump him sometime. But he has to build you up. Mental sex before the physical sex. Also....get to know your body. Spend some time alone. Read a sexy sexy story. Watch a porn that turns you on. Play with yourself. Someone who is very comfortable with their own sexual release is going to be more confident during sex. Let him read this thread. Let him see what he's doing and what people are saying. OPen up his eyes to the work he has to do. CCL
Jilly Bean Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I fail to see how commited he is to "reconciling" when he seems like he's spending a lot of time letting you know how inadequate he finds you compared to the OW. I thought when a BS grants the WS permission to try and rebuild, it means he kisses her butt. I didn't realize it meant he was continuing to crap on her by waxing poetic about the hot sex he had during his A. He sounds worthless, IMO. And sadly, now he's gotten you into believing this is your problem. Talk about blame-shifting. Wow.
seren Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Lost Like others have said I am astounded that your H describes sex with OW so graphically with you, they had sex, period, it's really all you need to know. Now, you both need to move on from that, it's like comparing apples to mangoes, one you can get every day and the other is just that bit more exotic, and so a treat. Bet if you lived in mango country apples would be real special. OK so they had hot sex, that seems to be common in all new relationships, but I think you know that. Nearly all of us who's partner have had an A squirm when we think about the sex, especially when our WS acts so out of character and we wonder if it is us who is to blame. First off, there is no blame, sounds like your sex life was rocky before the A, so all the A has done is to give H the opportunity to feel that sex with someone else is better than what you and he have. Perhaps he should look at what his role in letting that slip pre A and how you both can get things better. Comparing you to OW is pretty cruel, IMO, one of the major things to feeling sexy is feeling desirable - he's not doing a lot of helping in that department. Do you know your own body? what turns you on? what makes you feel sexy - this is all about YOU. Get to know your body, explore and then you can direct and say, actually that does nothing for me, but if you do, X,Y,M then he learns how to pleasure YOU. Be selfish, nice, sexy underwear makes most women feel sexy, try wearing it always, not just for him, but for you too. I'm not talking latex or some of the more uncomfortable stuff (tip use talc first) that comes much later. if you are dry, use KY before you get into bed, it doesn't have to be a passion killer, don't tell him, let him think he has made you feel like this. trying to be someone you are not is a real killer in the passion stakes and you shouldn't have to. I have always invited H to dinner (in our house and during his A) made a menu, had nice wine, music the whole shebang and we wooed each other, these are lovely nights as they help us to see each other as He and I rather than a married couple. The alternative (!) nights are fun and WE both enjoy them, but they aren't everything. Lazy Sunday morning sex is some of the best sex, unplanned, relaxed and very loving - hard for you to do this when you are thinking of OW and her magic vagina. Sorry but your H sure doesn't know women very well. So, get in touch with YOU, turn yourself on, love yourself for who and what you are, but please, please stop beating yourself up, therein lies the road to madness.
White Flower Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 thanks a lot for the responses. he doesn't want me to be fake, he doesn't want me to fake just to be me... which i'm not sure (esp after all this) who that completely is. and yes, sometimes it does feel like we are an extention of oneself. and the comparisons are hard to hear, sometimes i ask for it, sometimes i don't. but needs obviously weren't being met, and we realize it was for both of us, so trying to find ways to meet those needs is what we are working on. we have a really strong connection and love each other very much, the romance kind of lost its way. and now bc of his choice to have it somewhere else complicates things tremendously. it is what it is i guess. i think alot of him and her is how she makes him feel, it kills me i can't/didn't make him feel how much i love him and want him. i'm trying to be more open with that, he is trying to be more receptive. he said things are hard and he misses her at times, but he realizes that more than likely if he was with her 14 years down line some of same problems would arise, he even said that their sex did die down some from beginning. he said he knows that if he continued with her and i completed divorce and moved (which i was about to do) he would be regretful, confused and unhappy and hurting a lot, more so than what he is going through now. he said the state of confusion he was in while with her was too much for him, he said in some ways our comfort is good bc he can just be himself. he doesn't have anyone else to discuss her with, it is less often than it was before. and i would rather him get it out than hold it in honestly. we read that it was good to acknowledge the truth, and OW/OM bc not is just pretending like it didn't happen.. and it did. we will never be the same again bc of it, how can you not talk about it some. so there are good and bad i guess. I must say I do respect his honesty even if it hurts. Neither of you can really work on any positive changes without looking at all angles with open eyes. I applaud your strength in listening to what I'm sure is terribly painful and even more I applaud the fact that you make it a SAFE place for him to be honest. Great sex is important to any man but being allowed to be himself is probably more important to him. He doesn't have to be fake around you and that is a good thing. Have you looked into sex therapy or into taking supplements that can help your libido? I have a good friend who is older and has a lot of experience with various lovers. I once shared with her a story about another friend who has the same issue as you. I didn't expect her to say the following: If she was with someone who really did it for her (matched in chemistry) she'd flow like a faucet too. I hate to suggest this now that you're working so hard on your M, but I do wonder if down the line you ended up D'd if you couldn't find someone who 'did that for you'. Know what I mean? It is possible to love somebody deeply but just not be as turned on with them as someone else. I was this way with my ex and very much like a faucet with MM. It is important to say that I loved my exH deeply during a 25 year M until the last couple of years but our chemistry was just never going to match and no matter how I tried I couldn't force it to work. Sorry if this is TMI, but you started it.
White Flower Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I imagine if I were to sleep with another man I may find that there is someone else who can please me better in bed also; but it wouldn't be you." Let that simmer on his little brain for a minute. This could actually be true. Some men just do it for us better than others with no fault of their own, just as your issue is no fault of yours. It is a fact he would have to accept, especially since he wants you to accept all of his 'stuff' right now.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Its not that I don't like, want, enjoy sex. I do very much. He never complained about our sex life before. We usually had sex 3-4 times a week before his affair, some weeks maybe less but its not like we weren't having sex. I almost always orgasm, he always did. I have lingerie and sexy panties. We never used lube before and were fine. I touch him and rub on him. I kiss him when we are chilling on the couch. This isn't fake, I'm genuinly happy to be with him an enjoy touching him. He just doesn't touch me back, for the last 2 days he hasn't touched me. We talked about it this morning. He said he has been having a hard time. He said he is fighting all day to keep from texting her and its like his desire for me and to do stuff in bedroom is dead Hearing this is like daggars to my insides bc I know he would have no problem whooping it up with her. We were going to take it slow and the second day we were kissing and it just happened, and we had a really good 2-3 days where we were touching and having sex... and similiar to the last time I came home, then it just kind of stopped from him. I dunno why Then Sunday the quickie didn't work out and we got upset with each other and ever since then it just hasn't been the same. I feel so low right now about myself, because he is wanting to text her, the whole sex thing. I'm scared he is gonna give up or just stay miserable with me. I'm scared I've made a mistake or maybe he wanted me back for wrong reasons.. I dunno. We didn't have a great morning either. Its like he is mad at me, we talked a little about things (what I said above) other than that he was just quiet. He just texted me and said he read it could take 6 months to get sexual desire back and wouldn't mind getting on some sort of anti-depressent. he said that they not only fell in love but became best friends and its hard not knowing whats going on with her. this is all so hard to deal with and so hurtful I don't know what to do.
Disintegration Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 There is one thing to be openly honest but there is also a fine line he is crossing by professing his love for another woman to his wife. I find that disrespectful. He shouldn't be telling you that, not when you are trying to put your marriage back together. He needs to stop divulging too much information. This is not about him, it's about what he has done to destroy your marriage. Those things he is telling you is very hurtful and it will only make the situation worse.
CrayonAngel Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Lost it, your H is a douche bag! I'm sorry but why the hell are you running circles trying to make him happy? HE is the one who CHEATED, you know this right? these little mind games he plays with you are only going to get worse. HE has no desire for YOU?? are you ****ing kidding me? Did I mention emotional abuse? I can't wait for the day that I read one of your posts boasting about how you dropped him on his ass just like hes done to you!!! Good luck
PhoenixRise Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Lostit You are, and have been giving too much. Your husband can take your reconciliation for granted because it is a given that no matter what, you will accept him back. I believe this has set the tone for everything you are experiencing now. Everything that everyone has posted in this thread about your H's comments regarding the OW's wetness relative to yours is pretty much saying the same thing, you H is not putting the effort (through actions) into you and the reconciliation that you deserve. He is complaining that your sex life is not hot enough without taking any responsibility for making it hotter. He is complaining about his conflicted feelings for OW without doing anything to get to the root of it all. Has he even looked into IC? Has he given you a satisfactory answer to the question, "how did you ever allow yourself to think it was ok to have sex with someone who was my friend?" Have you even asked him this question? IF you don't want what you have right now to be your future, you need to pull back now, and expect a hell of a lot more from him than what you are getting now. If you allow him to waffel and wallow in confusion then he will stay confused. IF he can't decisively choose your total package over her wet vagina then kick him to the curb. Because Lostit, right now you are setting the tone and the standards for your relationship with your H going forward. If you don't change the dynamics now, you will always feel inadequate and he might be with you, but always feel that he could do better. The message that is screaming from your posts is that he does not value you enough.
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Lost it, Pheonix is so wise..... When you value yourself enough to ensure others value you as well, your life will change for the better. You have only known one man and love him. That's sweet. But he does not define who you are or how much value you have. Only you can do that for yourself.
kuma Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 If you and your H have not found a good MC who specializes in infidelity please do it now. I totally agree with this. Please go to MC!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) i backed up this morning and told him how i was feeling, how things he said made me feel, how i felt he blameshifted when he got mad and that i'm not only one at fault for our marriage. he said that when with her he did those same things to her. he said that he knows he is lucky i'm strong enough to do this, he said sometimes the things i say to him are exactly what she would say when he would act like this to her. he said he was going to make an appt and try out anti-dep. i told him about someone wanting me and stuff like ya'll said, and he said he knows someone would desire me like he has her and she did him, feels good from both sides(referring to them) he gets very defensive when he feels someone else is right or he feels attacked. he said its like mirror image situations sometimes, when with her he can't ever be happy without me.. and with me its like he can't be happy without her. its like the euphoria of the beginning of us getting back together wears off and he wants this quick fix or something. i told him that i never claimed to be perfect and i have never blamed him for state our marriage was in before affair (though i still am confused a little about that) i told him that i loved him for all of him, not just his perfect parts. and that his love was conditional and that if he thought 14 years with her would be what he feels now it wouldn't be. i told him that you can't conditionally love someone you choose to spend your life with. i'm kinda pissed and scared all at same time. i don't know how to even be around him. im not all happy go lucky, but i try not to be a zombie either, though at times i feel like one. sometimes i feel like he blames me for everything and i know what my issues are and have never once not accepted responsibility for them and acknowledged them.... but i was not some cold, unloving, unhappy, boring person and thats what i feel like he is telling me and he is blaming me for him not feeling "desire" and "in" love feelings for me. he didn't always make me feel those things either but i loved him and showed him what i could. not everyday was perfect but i'm not a superhero and he has plenty of issues too. i'm so scared that this is all gonna explode in my face he gets weak or has a hard time and instead of dealing with it, he lashes out or ignores me it feels like. when he is with her and i was brought up or he was having hard time, the same thing happens. they still haven't spoke. i've checked all his stuff. and i can see her facebook now and she would update some stupid little comment if they talked. Edited June 2, 2010 by LostIt2010
stillafool Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I didn't expect her to say the following: If she was with someone who really did it for her (matched in chemistry) she'd flow like a faucet too. I hate to suggest this now that you're working so hard on your M, but I do wonder if down the line you ended up D'd if you couldn't find someone who 'did that for you'. Know what I mean? It is possible to love somebody deeply but just not be as turned on with them as someone else. . BINGO! And, this is what your h needs to realize. Just because he can't make you flow like a faucet does not mean that someone else can't make your body respond that way. For your h's sake, I hope you never meet that man while married to him.
stillafool Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 i backed up this morning and told him how i was feeling, how things he said made me feel, how i felt he blameshifted when he got mad and that i'm not only one at fault for our marriage. he said that when with her he did those same things to her. he said that he knows he is lucky i'm strong enough to do this, he said sometimes the things i say to him are exactly what she would say when he would act like this to her. he said he was going to make an appt and try out anti-dep. i told him about someone wanting me and stuff like ya'll said, and he said he knows someone would desire me like he has her and she did him, feels good from both sides(referring to them) he gets very defensive when he feels someone else is right or he feels attacked. he said its like mirror image situations sometimes, when with her he can't ever be happy without me.. and with me its like he can't be happy without her. its like the euphoria of the beginning of us getting back together wears off and he wants this quick fix or something. i told him that i never claimed to be perfect and i have never blamed him for state our marriage was in before affair (though i still am confused a little about that) i told him that i loved him for all of him, not just his perfect parts. and that his love was conditional and that if he thought 14 years with her would be what he feels now it wouldn't be. i told him that you can't conditionally love someone you choose to spend your life with. i'm kinda pissed and scared all at same time. i don't know how to even be around him. im not all happy go lucky, but i try not to be a zombie either, though at times i feel like one. sometimes i feel like he blames me for everything and i know what my issues are and have never once not accepted responsibility for them and acknowledged them.... but i was not some cold, unloving, unhappy, boring person and thats what i feel like he is telling me and he is blaming me for him not feeling "desire" and "in" love feelings for me. he didn't always make me feel those things either but i loved him and showed him what i could. not everyday was perfect but i'm not a superhero and he has plenty of issues too. i'm so scared that this is all gonna explode in my face he gets weak or has a hard time and instead of dealing with it, he lashes out or ignores me it feels like. when he is with her and i was brought up or he was having hard time, the same thing happens. they still haven't spoke. i've checked all his stuff. and i can see her facebook now and she would update some stupid little comment if they talked. Oh Lost, I feel so for you. (((hugs))). He is being very selfish. Sometimes if you love someone you have to set them free and I'm wondering if you could find the strength to let him go. I know you love him and he is your H but you have tried and tried to please him and have put yourself last for him. Why doesn't he try IC instead of anti-depressants? Does he want to be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life? You shouldn't have to live this way. Phoenix is right, if you keep this up you are setting the tone for your marriage. I'm afraid you already have. Why does your H feel his happiness is only what is important? He is acting as if this is a race to win him when in fact you are suppose to be the winner because he married you. Why must you walk on eggshells to please him when he cheated on you with your friend and is trying to make you feel bad because he isn't getting the type of sex she provided. I think you should tell his mother the things he has said to you. I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say as I can't stand to hear of someone being treated the way he is treating you.
PhoenixRise Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 i backed up this morning and told him how i was feeling, how things he said made me feel, how i felt he blameshifted when he got mad and that i'm not only one at fault for our marriage. he said that when with her he did those same things to her. he said that he knows he is lucky i'm strong enough to do this, he said sometimes the things i say to him are exactly what she would say when he would act like this to her. he said he was going to make an appt and try out anti-dep. i told him about someone wanting me and stuff like ya'll said, and he said he knows someone would desire me like he has her and she did him, feels good from both sides(referring to them) he gets very defensive when he feels someone else is right or he feels attacked. he said its like mirror image situations sometimes, when with her he can't ever be happy without me.. and with me its like he can't be happy without her. its like the euphoria of the beginning of us getting back together wears off and he wants this quick fix or something. i told him that i never claimed to be perfect and i have never blamed him for state our marriage was in before affair (though i still am confused a little about that) i told him that i loved him for all of him, not just his perfect parts. and that his love was conditional and that if he thought 14 years with her would be what he feels now it wouldn't be. i told him that you can't conditionally love someone you choose to spend your life with. i'm kinda pissed and scared all at same time. i don't know how to even be around him. im not all happy go lucky, but i try not to be a zombie either, though at times i feel like one. sometimes i feel like he blames me for everything and i know what my issues are and have never once not accepted responsibility for them and acknowledged them.... but i was not some cold, unloving, unhappy, boring person and thats what i feel like he is telling me and he is blaming me for him not feeling "desire" and "in" love feelings for me. he didn't always make me feel those things either but i loved him and showed him what i could. not everyday was perfect but i'm not a superhero and he has plenty of issues too. i'm so scared that this is all gonna explode in my face he gets weak or has a hard time and instead of dealing with it, he lashes out or ignores me it feels like. when he is with her and i was brought up or he was having hard time, the same thing happens. they still haven't spoke. i've checked all his stuff. and i can see her facebook now and she would update some stupid little comment if they talked. What you just posted says that at the end of the day the issues are mostly his. You two may have had issues in your marriage pre-affair, but by and large, the issues are his. If you don't insist that HE acknowledge, work on, and fix his issues as a CONDITION of reconciliation you are setting yourself up for a future of heartache. It is good that you are speaking up for yourself. You also need to be speaking up about the kind of man you want and expect to be married to and the kind of marriage you want. It is not just his needs/wants that count here. Your needs have to be met too.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think your H is a total narcissist and doesnt even care about anyone else he's hurting in the process. The fact that he talks about how great sex is with this ho is beyond words..and how that makes you feel is just disgraceful. I would take 10 steps back from this R at this point..and let him get his head out of his ass. Wow..and you sound like such a sweet girl..but honestly..do you really think you deserve to be treated like this? Sheesh...you guys are my age..and seriously this sounds like some teen drama. I know how tramatizing this is all to you..but please don't put this guy on a pedastal because personally..you and this other chick are acting like he's God's gift..to who or what I don't know. I would find it very very very difficult to try and reconsile with someone as immature and selfish as your H is acting. This is NOT about you...and the fact that sex is already a concern in less then a week of you 2 being together speaks volumes on how this R revolves. Sorry not trying to bring u down or anything here...but some backbone is really needed here. I have written on your forums before..and who knows maybe you don't like my advise ..but being the same age as you..and going through the same crap as you...mind you I have a child with my prick...you seem to be a lot weaker than I am. I feel for you..but reading what you write really pisses me off!!!
Spark1111 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I dunno..... Some times the only way to start feeling good is to stop feeling bad. Some times, the only way to stop feeling bad is to remove one's self from some else's DRAMA, and pain, and confusion.....and waffling, and self-pity. If you took all that angst, and worry, and depression, and pain that you are investing into him and HIS DRAMA, you could be a rocket scientist, pulitzer prize winner, movie star. You have to run away from crazy, especially if you are in love with crazy, to get relief from crazy; to actually SEE crazy and how it zaps all your strength and skews your perceptions....and makes you crazy, too! Is this what YOU WANT Lostit? A man who is crying to you about how great the sex is with his OW? How much he misses that? Some times we hold onto too long, too hard to the familiar out of fear of the unknown, even if the familiar is killing us. Separate and start dating. You are young enough to create an authentic life that is all about you; one filled with self-respect.
PhoenixRise Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I dunno..... Some times the only way to start feeling good is to stop feeling bad. Some times, the only way to stop feeling bad is to remove one's self from some else's DRAMA, and pain, and confusion.....and waffling, and self-pity. If you took all that angst, and worry, and depression, and pain that you are investing into him and HIS DRAMA, you could be a rocket scientist, pulitzer prize winner, movie star. You have to run away from crazy, especially if you are in love with crazy, to get relief from crazy; to actually SEE crazy and how it zaps all your strength and skews your perceptions....and makes you crazy, too! Is this what YOU WANT Lostit? A man who is crying to you about how great the sex is with his OW? How much he misses that? Some times we hold onto too long, too hard to the familiar out of fear of the unknown, even if the familiar is killing us. Separate and start dating. You are young enough to create an authentic life that is all about you; one filled with self-respect. This bears repeating
Lecturer Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I don't know why everyone keeps villainizing your husband for discussing things openly. It sounds like it is your intentional strategy to talk openly, even if it hurts, so you can be in an environment of pure honesty. If he is saying it during fights or with malice, then yes, he is in the wrong... but simply being honest and saying he appreciated *whatever* OW's quality over your's - I don't think that is necessarily bad. People have to remember, your husband is now away from someone he loves. If that love is right or wrong is irrelevant - he is not in an easy situation. At the same time, he can't put pressure on you to fix his problems (even though you want to). Getting over the OW will take time, and you both need patience during that time. Stop putting pressure on yourselves and each other (where is the majority of pressure coming from?.. who is it on?). The worst thing you can do is try to force sexual chemistry - it doesn't work that way. I think the honesty is a good thing.. about the physical and emotional facts.. but it has to be done in the right way at the right time. It is part of the reconnecting and rebuilding process. One big question... what are the reasons he and you have chosen to work things out, rather than him going with the OW? Are the reasons suspect, or are they honest? Him staying with you because he "loves" you isn't enough - there needs to be more to it. Out of guilt or responsibility is not valid either.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) i'm being brutally honest to get feedback like this. and i do appreciate it. it is not easy trying to find my way. all of what you say a part of me says too, and another part, almost like an addict at a slot machine thinks maybe this time, maybe this day. my sense of self is so low, when in reality i know i have a lot. your input is really helpful to me and helps me feel i'm not crazy. i've tried to be objective and honest so i get best advice i can. thank you all very much. after i basically told him he is one that asked me back and to either let go or hold on to me. that i came in with an open and loving heart to please not treat it like **** or give it back. he said he can't help but feelhe is slipping sometimes too but he is trying. i told him trying is a word i've started to hate and that he has been 'trying' for 7 months and it is time to commit to something and do it, i said we can either get through this together with love and care or he can block me and push me out and act like i'm not there which is what he has started to do is how i feel. i said he wanted to slip back to her bc it is easy and a relief and then when it gets hard he wants to slip back to me for easy and relief and he has to stop the flip flopping and bandaids. that he can choose to be miserable and confused or do something about it by comitting to what he wants. i told him some of what he is looking for is something that he needs to look within himself for. he said he understand where i'm coming from and idk i guess i look for a lot. him saying that he felt he is slipping already at a week mark scares the crap out of me. i know though if i leave thats it. i don't wanna give up so easy. part of me hopes that if we can get through this difficult time we can be ok. part of me doesn't think we will ever be ok. i told him that if he pushed me out like he is doing and i end up leaving like that he would regret it, just like the other times and i told him if it came to that point again that i would get my stuff and i couldn't be friends and couldn't talk to him bc i wouldn't be able to heal and bc of my feelings. that he wouldn't hear from me and i didn't want to hear from him except for getting divorce final and that was it. and i think i mean it this time. i know how pathetic i must sound to you all. but, especially those who know my story, this is the hardest thing i have/will ever go through in my life. being without him seems impossible. i have been what i'm assuming co-depenent amongst other things with him for 14 years, since i was just a girl. i'm not sure what normal or love is anymore. the reasons are obviously the feelings, and he says his future, who i am, what he realizes may not be real/lasting with OW, him not wanting me out of his life, etc. he did say he would feel bad if i had to move and get extra job but he said that wasn't a main reason. sometimes he does say them in a hurtful way when we are upset with each other. we have talked about it in constructive ways too. i've lashed out a few times in beginning, but i have been at a place the past month for him to feel he can be completely honest about things, and i've been understanding and open. i feel like sometimes he is just telling me all that's wrong with me and not trying to look at himself. i do believe he is trying and i understand its hard, but its been 7 months of trying. i think we are both putting pressure on ourselves, i feel like the majority of it is on me to make him feel for me again. sometimes i feel, esp the last couple days, he doesn't even want to do this or maybe he is doing it for wrong reasons, i just don't feel like he feels enough for me sometimes now bc of relationship with her and where it went. which is really painful to think Edited June 2, 2010 by LostIt2010
Lecturer Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I don't think you are pathetic. You used the term co-dependent, and I think that makes sense. Being co-dependent means you are basically an enabler for his destructive and painful behaviour, and I fear that is what you are doing. Unfortunately, almost all humans push boundaries and limits, trying to do whatever they can get away with. I think your husband may be abusing your desire to work things out - maybe not intentionally - but on some level. I really see 2 simultaneous yet separate issues here - the chemistry/sexual disconnect, and the general health of the relationship. The odds of this working out depend greatly on who wants to stay together and work things out. I am concerned that it is you that wants things to work out more than he, and as long as that is true you are going to suffer and I don't think the chances of success are very high. While the heart takes an indeterminate amount of time to heal, I like to make plans/goals and work towards them. You can't stay in limbo forever, you need some sign of progress on his part of getting over the OW. And YOU need to accept that things not working out is a real possibility - maybe even a blessing. This is really the biggest challenge: until you accept that the marriage may have to end, you will not be able to be the person you need to be.. to push back, enforce limits, hold the respect you need from him and yourself.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 (edited) so ever since he said slipping and way he has been acting, I just checked our cell service online and he texted her this morning. talked with her all day, even during our conversations. this morning he said it was hard not knowing what was going on with her. i said a friend of mine saw her facebook said she was doing just fine. he said that she was probably faking it. i told him i had a feeling and checked phone thing and he said screw phone thing he didn't want me to act like his mom.he says he text her after the facebook convo. he said couldn't resist anymore and had tried really hard not to. i told him it had nothing to do with that and at least phone bill was honest. i told him it had to do with trust, us, respect for me, and him knowing that pushing me away and lying and doing this i told him just a couple days ago if i left that would be it and i said you knew all those things, knew no contact was best and knew it would hurt me and you said screw all that.. i'm texting her. then he said i was a liar too bc i said i wasn't checking cell phone records, and i haven't but i had a gut feeling today so i did and i told him he better not dare turn this on me like i didn't something wrong bc he is one that texted her. then he was like, i know you aren't a liar but you aren't perfect and it isn't like i banged her. i said i never once have claimed to be perfect and i said i dunno what all ya'll talked about all day and told him it broke my trust, pretty much gave her permission to txt him, hurt me and showed a little he regards my feelings, and i asked what good at all came from it?? and he said idk. Edited June 2, 2010 by LostIt2010
Lecturer Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 .. I'm sorry. Your gut was right, and I figured the same was true. He is not making the effort he needs to (or at least, he is failing at it). Not only is he not strong enough to stay faithful, but he isn't even strong enough to stay away from her when he knows he NEEDS to, as a 2nd chance at his marriage. Not to be crude, but how wet can you be expected to get for a man that shows no strength of character or dedication to you? Again, I'm sorry. This is like being kicked when you are already down. It is frustrating to hear you making so much effort when he can't seem to put an ounce in of his own. Be mad and be sad. Don't internalize this. None of this is your fault.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 .. I'm sorry. Your gut was right, and I figured the same was true. He is not making the effort he needs to (or at least, he is failing at it). Not only is he not strong enough to stay faithful, but he isn't even strong enough to stay away from her when he knows he NEEDS to, as a 2nd chance at his marriage. Not to be crude, but how wet can you be expected to get for a man that shows no strength of character or dedication to you? Again, I'm sorry. This is like being kicked when you are already down. It is frustrating to hear you making so much effort when he can't seem to put an ounce in of his own. Be mad and be sad. Don't internalize this. None of this is your fault. thanks. i'm sitting here crying at work. i don't know what to do. he acts like he wants me to come back to house, i don't even really want to. but i can't just run from it. sometimes i still feel like somehow its all my fault. i don't know what to do, do i take it as a relapse or whatever and go back to awkardness, or do i just get my **** and go i don't know what to do.
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