LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I know there are all kinds of issues the BS and WS have when trying to heal their relationship after an affair. the BS feeling of betrayal and pain, somewhat of sense of self issues, and the WS dealing with guilt, grieving other woman, trying to find things again... both are trying to face all the reasons why. its daunting. he has kept no contact and has really been trying and we have been talking and trying to get through this together. we have good and bad moments. sex is kind of a struggle right now. we are both the only people we have ever been with until he had an affair. we feel like our passion had faded. he said that sex with other woman was more passionate, that sometimes he just doesn't feel it with me but other times he does. he said he felt like she wanted it more (called her sex machine :/) he said she watches porn sometimes, i've seen some HBO stuff but i've never watched a porn and she is way more experienced with other men than me obviously. he did things with her he hasn't done with me in 14 years, sometimes he says he misses that part of her. this may be TMI but she evidently is like always wet and flows like a faucet. i'm not really like that evidently, and haven't really ever been. like the other day i was wearing a skirt and he kinda pulled it up for a quickie, but i was dry and he was like nevermind. we had another incident similiar to that this week. but we've also had what i thought was really good sex too since starting over with us which he called ok. i just feel like this failure. he said when we are doing it he never thinks about her, but sometimes he does after. he said he thinks its just our personalities being different and the amount of time we've been together, and he said maybe our chemistry is a little off and with some time/healing he hopes it will get better. he said that my body is better than hers and i'm prettier, but he said they are just really had amazing chemistry or something. i'm totally freaked and worried about this and now i'm scared to even have sex or come onto him bc he isn't feeling it. he is a handsome man and i'm attracted to him and when we are together i'm into it and him, idk i feel like some big freak he said he thinks that part of it is just the amount of time we have been together. everything was new with her. he would even get her little things, which he said he doesn't feel the desire to do for me. he said everything was a big deal to her and you just never knew what she was be like day to day. he said we know each other so well things can be sort of predictable from each other. this may be TMI and it is embaressing but i'm just hoping for some advice and experience again. i'm not sure what i'm doing so wrong. if its just part of it for a little while. i feel so helpless. other things have been going well, but this is like this huge elephant in the room and i don't know how to deal with. i'm so self conscious and i want us both to be happy and satisfied so much. any help/support/advice would be apprciated.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Lost - with all due respect, you can't expect your sex life to be their sex life, or even LIKE their sex life. You are a different woman to her, and you and he are a different couple to them. You should not be comparing yourself to her, and he most certainly should not either! I think it's profoundly disrespectful if you are trying to recover your M for him to be comparing her state of arousal with yours, for example. It would be far more constructive rather if he suggested some kind of sex therapy or couples counselling for you to address any issues if he feels you as a couple have any - beyond that, comparisons are just odious!
scatterd Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) I feel so bad for you most men like having a pure woman that has only been with him.Have you both gone to marriage counseling you need to soon.The fact he is having no contact is good.Did he use protection I would also go get checked out.Nothing is wrong with you he is in a Affair fog and has her on a pedestal in time he will wake up.But for now you need to take care of you.I dont have all the answers but I am going through the same thing we have a lot of work ahead of us and it hurts badly, I cried tons.I am numb now and not sure what Im going to do.You will learn a lot here so just listen and learn.Big hugs and good luck Edited June 1, 2010 by scatterd
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) thank you, good luck to you too. should he not tell me and hide what he feels? we are being really honest with each other. i told him how it made me feel as well, he said it isn't anything i'm doing wrong, its alot of him too. he has talked about individual counseling for him but we haven't committed to anything yet. we have just re-committed to us a week ago. we have good moments, but we are both going through hard moments too and i understand that. he seems to be really committed to us, but worried about some aspects. we kind of got upset with each other after the whole sex thing, or i guess i got upset and he was trying to just play it off but i was obsessing about it so that made him talk about her, he hasn't really talked about her like that since we have been together before then. i'm just worried. we got upset, but talked about it. i'm all nervous and don't know how to get past this sex thing. i don't have anything to compare it to, and now he does i guess. it hurts knowing they had this great sex life, and we struggle. he told me there there are things he gets from me that she could never give him too, and he realizes we are two different people, that no relationship is perfect and neither is he. but i don't wanna have it in my head he thinks our sex life sucks i don't know what to do. i just feel like crap and so clueless. i've been with just him, but i mean i've been having sex since i was 14, you'd think i know what i was doing and what he likes. evidently it isn't quite right. Edited June 1, 2010 by LostIt2010
Lecturer Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Very powerful thread - having you describe the "nitty gritty" like this.. seeing how you are making such an effort to rebuild. Good for you to have the strength and will to try to overcome this adversity. Some may think it hurtful of your husband to be so painfully honest - I think it is constructive. I understand a lot of the issues he/you describe. When you're together with someone for so long, everything is very predictable and expected. I describe it as my wife becoming an extension of myself ... it can be thought of as good, but it certainly lessens the intensity of sex. It is little better than masturbation when you stop seeing your partner as a separate person. The fact that he had the affair with this new, exciting flavour increases the challenge to you, certainly. Even with time, as the pain and emotional issues of the affair subside, you will still have the original problem: how to have awesome sex together again... how to get that chemistry back. Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you. In fact, I would like an answer, too - even though neither my wife, nor I, have cheated... I do feel a loss of chemistry combined with emotional/life issues that is causing a problem.
Disintegration Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I know it's hard to hear the comparisons although you may be the one wanting to know the specific details it still doesn't change the outcome of what he did. I think the more you know the more difficult it will be for you. You'll only cut yourself down to size and feel you don't measure up. He needs to stop discussing her altogether. No one wants to hear that. All it was-was something new with her. It was that new feeling, not necessarily better. You may even find yourself wanting to prove your worth sexually. Don't become someone you are not, or change who you are or what you do to satisfy him or his needs. I think marriage counseling would be a great start to try and regain what you had prior to his A. I know it is going to be a long rough battle but I wish you the best of luck.
rewe4reel Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I would not be so sure the affair sex with the OW is all that great for your H. This is the kind of thing that cheating spouses tell themselves to justify what they did. (I mean after all if the sex isn't "better" with the OW then the affair must have been completely pointless, right?) The lube thing varies from person to person and has nothing to do with your degree of sexuality. Some people just lubricate more than others. The solution is very simple: keep a tube of your favorite lube on hand at all times, and this shouldn't be a problem at all. He admits you're prettier, you're sexier, also he is your only man ever. Sounds like he let curiosity kill the cat, he's made a giant blunder here. Yes his OW is more experienced, because she's less discriminating. He should be on his hands and knees begging your forgiveness. JMHO.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) thanks a lot for the responses. he doesn't want me to be fake, he doesn't want me to fake just to be me... which i'm not sure (esp after all this) who that completely is. and yes, sometimes it does feel like we are an extention of oneself. and the comparisons are hard to hear, sometimes i ask for it, sometimes i don't. but needs obviously weren't being met, and we realize it was for both of us, so trying to find ways to meet those needs is what we are working on. we have a really strong connection and love each other very much, the romance kind of lost its way. and now bc of his choice to have it somewhere else complicates things tremendously. it is what it is i guess. i think alot of him and her is how she makes him feel, it kills me i can't/didn't make him feel how much i love him and want him. i'm trying to be more open with that, he is trying to be more receptive. he said things are hard and he misses her at times, but he realizes that more than likely if he was with her 14 years down line some of same problems would arise, he even said that their sex did die down some from beginning. he said he knows that if he continued with her and i completed divorce and moved (which i was about to do) he would be regretful, confused and unhappy and hurting a lot, more so than what he is going through now. he said the state of confusion he was in while with her was too much for him, he said in some ways our comfort is good bc he can just be himself. he doesn't have anyone else to discuss her with, it is less often than it was before. and i would rather him get it out than hold it in honestly. we read that it was good to acknowledge the truth, and OW/OM bc not is just pretending like it didn't happen.. and it did. we will never be the same again bc of it, how can you not talk about it some. so there are good and bad i guess. Edited June 1, 2010 by LostIt2010
crazycatlady Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Lost - lets put aside the affair for moment, please. I too ended up having a rather nittygritty discussion with my H after it came out. I ache at your words for you. Ours went very differently and I can't imagine the pain and hardship that you are going through hearing those things. I'm sorry. Anyway, on to what I wanted to talk about.... I get this feeling from your post, and I could be wrong, but that you are feeling inadequite sexually and there might be a push not actuall verbalized but felt to try something you aren't comfortable with. That said, exploring sexual things together, and alone, can be a lot of fun. I'm afraid though you would be looking at this as a way to "compete" with the OW rather then looking to find ways to make YOU happier. Right now, he needs to be working at making YOU happy. It just feels like its all about him him him him him. Especially when it comes to sex. Right now you shouldn't be the one working so hard to give him a reason to stay. Right now he needs to be working so hard to give you a reason not to kick his sorry ass to the door. Something to consider - in your every day life, you are not sexually ON all the time. Thus the quickie didn't work. Due to the nature of an affair, she was probably sexually ON a lot of the time they were together because sex was going to happen. Mentally she knew it, and it kept her more aroused. Thinking of sex, anticipating sex, creates a greater desire for sex. You are are still thinking love and wanting to show how much you love him.....that's great (though I think he shoudl be doing that for you not the other way around, don't buy his bull), but that's not sex. Love is the emotion but sex is an action. Don't let him make you feel uncertain, not sexy etc. That's going to make it harder on you. Pre-sex mental sex. That is what you need from him. He needs to make YOU feel sexual. Hot. Horny. He needs to make you feel desired. A woman who feels desired is going to be happier about sex and is going to want sex more. But he needs to find out your buttons. And then push them. Think about what gets you in the mood. And have him do some of it over the course of a couple of hours, so when you do get to the sex its hot. Done correctly, that quickie can happen, but he has to prime you first mentally over time that day. He has to do work. And you know what? If he doesn't want to do the work, screw him, there are much better men out there. CCL
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) thanks a lot CCL. we read that affair sex is sometimes different, bc of kinda what you said. he isn't forcing me to do anything i'm not comfortable with. i think its more that he is wanting more passion... from us both really. and he has been like that, but he said sometimes bc its hard he doesn't quite feel like it. and bc sometimes i feel same way i can understand. he has basically had relationship with someone else for months. the first couple of times we did it, it was really good i thought and he said he enjoyed it too. for whatever reason, us going through hard parts, us kinda finding normal again, me having these feeling of not being good enough, its made me really nervous and a couple not so great times where it just didn't happen like the quickie its like we are trying to figure out each other and not be fake, be natural and it isn't quite natural yet. some things he says he forces himself to do like maybe tickle me on couch or rub my shoulders, but sometimes he doesn't have to force himself. i'm in turn being more open and it i think something (like a compliment to him) i tell him. we are trying to find that "romantic love" i guess bc it had kinda faded before affair and doing that with the complications of him being with someone else is hard. he tells me i'm pretty and he likes my body, it isn't that i don't feel pretty, but i don't feel sexual i guess or sometimes i feel like i'm doing something wrong in bed. sex just shouldn't be this complicated i know he feels it was just easy and fun with her, and with me its like this weird thing or something that he feels passion isnt there with on both our sides. we are trying to just take it a day at a time, and he said it will probably fall into place. i'm worried it won't. i'm already all worked up thinking about the next time we are gonna be intimate all nervous and stuff like there is all this pressure, kind of on us both and i wish i knew how to be more sexual or less nervous and just let it happen. instead i'm thinking is this good, does he like this, am i showing him enough, am i making enough noise.... i mean i do what feels good to me too but its not passionate enough for him and i'm overthinking everything. i don't know how to get past that, and i'm worried that about the dryness thing too. sorry TMI. Edited June 1, 2010 by LostIt2010
reboot Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I suspect you have Wal-Marts in Texas. Go to one, buy some KY. Dryness cured. Hell, shell out some extra bucks and get the KY Intense. The idea that everything has to be completely natural and spontaneous is silly. You do whatever you have to do to get the job done.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I suspect you have Wal-Marts in Texas. Go to one, buy some KY. Dryness cured. Hell, shell out some extra bucks and get the KY Intense. The idea that everything has to be completely natural and spontaneous is silly. You do whatever you have to do to get the job done. Reeb - you are a font of information! I had no idea there was anything like KY Intense - when we've gone for potions they've been quirky ones like cherry flavoured or the one that goes really hot when you blow on it - which, Lost, could add an element of fun and spontaneity if you're worried about that! I don't know where you're based, but you could check out something like Ann Summers online and see what interesting things they have (chocolate body paint, edible underwear, or flavoured lubes are some not-too-wild things you could try to start off with). Lost, it's an opportunity to discover what really works for BOTH of you. This is not about pleasing him or living up to his new expectations. This is about finding something that really does it for you as a couple. Your lack of experience outside the M does not need to stand in your way - your NEW experiences start now, and you can discover them together!
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) we have used lube a few times. i think he feels like if i was excited we wouldn't need it. i mean i can be really excited and i'm still not soaked. why i don't know. with her evidently it was never a problem, he just stuck it in :/ i've heard the pill can be a reason and i've been on pill almost 8 years and i've heard stress can be a reason. he does kind of feel like it shouldn't be so hard and just be natural i think bc with them i guess it was. he said its kinda like he didn't know any better until he made mistake of chosing affair and finding things out with someone else. while i'm being honest, he said its like with her she came on to him alot and he liked that. and he said he just felt more passion with her he said its like she really knew what to do or what she was doing. sometimes i feel she can do no wrong and is perfect. he says she used to say same thing about me. i'm a little more reserved i guess and unsure, especially right now. i'm not a real take charge kind of girl. but i do touch him alot and express more affection, that isn't hard for me and comes pretty naturally. and i think sometimes he isn't at a place yet in his mind he can totally not think about her which makes things kinda hard. he said he hopes with some time that improves too. i think he feels like we shouldn't need lube, it kinda kills moment for him when i'm like hold on let me lube up bc i'm not wet. like more wet girl is better job he is doing, idk but i kinda get that impression. once we are doing it, i'm fine.. its just the getting it in part. and it isn't every single time, just sometimes. it makes me feel like a freak... and it makes me sad that it was so easy with someone else and for us its a struggle. Edited June 1, 2010 by LostIt2010
reboot Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 How old is this guy? 17? Why are you lubing you up? Why isn't he lubing you up? Sex is supposed to be fun. There aren't any "rules" about how it's supposed to be done. What difference does it make if you need a little extra lubrication? Someday his sorry ass might need Viagra. Will you stop having sex with him then because "he shouldn't need it"? People absolutely amaze me. And one other thing, he needs to damn well stop comparing you to her. It's making me wince just to hear you tell us some of the things he says. It's not helping your confidence, it's not helping you rebuild your relationship. The only thing I can see it helping is his ego. "Oh I was such an awesome lover to her she left wet spots everywhere she sat". Give me a break.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 i've heard the pill can be a reason and i've been on pill almost 8 years and i've heard stress can be a reason. The Pill... uh oh! The Pill does different things to different women, but IME it does kill your libido and it does affect things like you describe (and, side effects like weight gain and water retention can also make women feel more inhibited sexually). The Pill and I were not best friends (I also fell pregnant on the Pill, so i didn't even get the benefits, only the costs ) If he doesn't like the "unnaturalness" of lube, get something that isn't lube (although it lubricates) but adds fun and excitement - like one of those gels that heats up when you blow it, or one that makes you feel all tingly, and slather him with it, blow gently up and down all over until he can't stand it any more and then jump him. Or cover him in a fruit-flavoured one and lick him - or cover yourself and have him lick you - before he enters you. It's less clinical than the "let me lube up" bit and a lot more fun - whether you "need" it or not
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 And one other thing, he needs to damn well stop comparing you to her. It's making me wince just to hear you tell us some of the things he says. It's not helping your confidence, it's not helping you rebuild your relationship. The only thing I can see it helping is his ego. "Oh I was such an awesome lover to her she left wet spots everywhere she sat". Agreed. The sheer disrespect of saying to someone who's trying to rebuild an M after YOU cheated on them that "she" could water the sahara while you, shame, need some help from Dr KY is mind-boggling! Instead of making this all YOUR problem, he should be asking, what can I do to make you as hot and gagging for me as she was? What do I need to do differently so that you can't wait to jump me? Why is he laying this trip on you?
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) the pill hasn't made me retain water or gain weight. it has kept me from getting pregnant and i wonder about what else it has done to me like the things you have said. maybe my sex drive isn't normal, i dunno. i don't wanna go off the pill and risk getting pregnant. i know when i thought we were over i did go off the pill cold turkey for like 3 weeks and my body felt like it was in revolt... my emotions, headaches, body aches, i was up/down. the pill i'm on is a low hormone pill and each week is same dose, it doesn't change. some of the things i've said are things he has said along the way over the past months. he hasn't said much about her this week we have been together except after we had gotten upset at each other. he says too that it is a lot of things with him too and he is at fault, probably more so than me. he always says he can't help how he feels. he said he feels like he has contributed to alot of my issues as well. it feels like more effort and stress than fun right now. i guess its partly due to affair and him having feelings for someone else. i don't expect things to be perfect or for him to be able to just shut off all feelings for her in a week. but he is trying, we had kind of bad day yesterday. i dunno what normal is anymore. sometimes i wish i could just be fly on the wall to see how they were with each other, not sexually but even just normal. i have nothing to compare anything to. i feel so out of touch with things and its hard to be natural. we have days, like yesterday, where we are totally out of sync. sometimes things that should be easy for us are hard, and the things that were hard with her are easy with me. and its not that he doesn't do it for me, he does. i think its more about him not feeling something for me Edited June 1, 2010 by LostIt2010
Samantha0905 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 KY has a long lasting liquibead vaginal moisturizer -- it helps greatly and would solve the problem of you having to lube each time: http://www.walgreens.com/store/catalog/Tests-and-Treatments/Liquibeads-Long-Lasting-Vaginal-Moisturizer/ID=prod3375439-product?V=G&ec=frgl_&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=sku3374279 Although I don't get it -- it seems if your partner is into the sexual moment he would have no problem applying lube onto you. You're probably not getting as wet because he's had an affair and gone on about the "great" sex to you. Tacky. And I wouldn't worry about him not feeling something for you -- although I understand you're hurt. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel wonderful in every way at this point if he wants to stay in the marriage.
Author LostIt2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 oh thanks, that looks like it would help. would it be ok if he did oral too or no? i'm really going to get that. it was a problem before the affair too. he is making a lot of efforts, and i understand that sometimes those efforts are hard. i hope that with some time they won't be so hard. i know that there was obviously a lack of feelings for the affair to happen, but that was i'm sure partly my fault too. i hope that we can build something stronger with communication. i know there are other factors to a man staying with his wife, but i'm hoping (from what he has said) his feelings for me are at the root of it and we can improve our relationship. after we got upset with each other, yes hurtful things were said. we talked about it and went and got some things to plant in the yard, something we both enjoy and cooked and kind of chilled. i hope maybe today we can have a better evening. i can tell he wants to move on and be happy, but i can also tell he is worried and sometimes having a hard time. but i am the same way. i really hope there is a good chance for us getting through this and making it, and being happy, loved an satisfied.
PhoenixRise Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) How old is this guy? 17? Why are you lubing you up? Why isn't he lubing you up? Sex is supposed to be fun. There aren't any "rules" about how it's supposed to be done. What difference does it make if you need a little extra lubrication? Someday his sorry ass might need Viagra. Will you stop having sex with him then because "he shouldn't need it"? People absolutely amaze me. And one other thing, he needs to damn well stop comparing you to her. It's making me wince just to hear you tell us some of the things he says. It's not helping your confidence, it's not helping you rebuild your relationship. The only thing I can see it helping is his ego. "Oh I was such an awesome lover to her she left wet spots everywhere she sat". Give me a break. Agreed. The sheer disrespect of saying to someone who's trying to rebuild an M after YOU cheated on them that "she" could water the sahara while you, shame, need some help from Dr KY is mind-boggling! Instead of making this all YOUR problem, he should be asking, what can I do to make you as hot and gagging for me as she was? What do I need to do differently so that you can't wait to jump me? Why is he laying this trip on you? I agree with both of the posts above. It seems to me that the things he is telling you are not about discussing the affair/ your relationship in the hopes of rebuilding trust and emotional intimacy, he is telling you these things to get you to compete with OW sexually. Lubrication varies from woman to woman and could be affected by many things including the pill, other medications, and a sloppy a$$ inconsiderate lover and I would be willing to bet that he has completely taken you for granted as a lover. He should be the one asking himself and you what he can do to arouse that level of passion in you. He should be the one asking himself and you what he can do to bring you to orgasm easily and multiple times. He should be asking himself what he can do better instead of making you feel like you don't measure up. But he isn't doing that. The truth is, his FOW may truly be a highly sexual person and he got an honest ego boost from pleasuring someone who just truly loved sex with him. OR She could be a duplicitous person who came into your lives, faked being your friend (I heard a rumor that orgasms can be faked too) all with an agenda of having your husband rescue her from her multiple baby daddys and her life on the public dole. In which case, it would be in her interest to make your H feel like a stud in the bedroom. If you and your H have not found a good MC who specializes in infidelity please do it now. AND Lostit. what you are feeling in terms of questioning your sexual adequacy in the wake of your spouse's affair is not unusual. What IS unusual is your spouse deliberately feeding into those feelings. Can you take a step back? Start to explore your own feelings, sexual and otherwise. Hon, true sensuality/ a sexual nature can be cultivated, but it can never come from a place of desperation or competition with someone else. It is about what pleases you. Figure out what pleases you....but do it for yourself. Edited June 1, 2010 by PhoenixRise
Samantha0905 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 oh thanks, that looks like it would help. would it be ok if he did oral too or no? i'm really going to get that. it was a problem before the affair too. he is making a lot of efforts, and i understand that sometimes those efforts are hard. i hope that with some time they won't be so hard. . As far as I know, it's fine. I have not heard any complaints about it tasting funny or anything. It really does help and you're welcome.
lilagirl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Lost it... this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Even if you have low levels of ...liquid... A sex is different...you talk about it allot, and often you meet up... just for that... so you are ready, one kiss and all the passion you have been txting about, or talking about on the phone fills you... So, combine this, with what you are going through emotionally... did he do this to her... Am i moving the way he liked it when she did it... picturing them in your head... or just plain trying to move on... an hour before a quickie, you could have been thinking about something painful from the A... or what you were going to cook for dinner, etc... Its called life... The "passion" in an A is hard to describe... when you wait for days, to see someone...when you finally see them, the feeling is allot different than, "hi honey, I am home, want a quickie". No doubt had the A run its course, sex levels would go back to "normal". Her leaky faucet wouldn`t be leaking forever. He needs to focus on loving you. My guess is that is what you need right now... he needs to inspire the passiion in you, not just expect it to be there. I am sure he did allot to "keep" the passion in his A, and he should be doing what you need right now, to make you feel loved... You should be as natural as possible...
stillafool Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 we have used lube a few times. i think he feels like if i was excited we wouldn't need it. i mean i can be really excited and i'm still not soaked. why i don't know. with her evidently it was never a problem, he just stuck it in :/ i've heard the pill can be a reason and i've been on pill almost 8 years and i've heard stress can be a reason. he does kind of feel like it shouldn't be so hard and just be natural i think bc with them i guess it was. he said its kinda like he didn't know any better until he made mistake of chosing affair and finding things out with someone else. while i'm being honest, he said its like with her she came on to him alot and he liked that. and he said he just felt more passion with her he said its like she really knew what to do or what she was doing. sometimes i feel she can do no wrong and is perfect. he says she used to say same thing about me. i'm a little more reserved i guess and unsure, especially right now. i'm not a real take charge kind of girl. but i do touch him alot and express more affection, that isn't hard for me and comes pretty naturally. and i think sometimes he isn't at a place yet in his mind he can totally not think about her which makes things kinda hard. he said he hopes with some time that improves too. i think he feels like we shouldn't need lube, it kinda kills moment for him when i'm like hold on let me lube up bc i'm not wet. like more wet girl is better job he is doing, idk but i kinda get that impression. once we are doing it, i'm fine.. its just the getting it in part. and it isn't every single time, just sometimes. it makes me feel like a freak... and it makes me sad that it was so easy with someone else and for us its a struggle. Okay I have been reading your thread and I am already SICK of your HUSBAND. How dare he go on and on about this woman's vagina to you. He needs to be doing everything he can do to make this up to you not comparing you to his whore. Of course she can have sex any which way but loose since she has already shot two kids out of that thing. Tell him you don't appreciate hearing this stuff and it is not helping your sex life any. BTW, if you have to use a lubricant don't tell him you did just use it 10 minutes before sex so it gets warmed up. I'm serious the next time he tells you how great the sexual chemistry was with him and her tell him "I know you've told me. I imagine if I were to sleep with another man I may find that there is someone else who can please me better in bed also; but it wouldn't be you." Let that simmer on his little brain for a minute.
naturegirl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Instead of bashing the husband she is obviously so in love with, let's keep the responses to something more constructive that will help her find her mojo. Here are my suggestions (as the nature of this thread is...some are a bit graphic) 1. You do NOT have to compare yourself to her, but in all honesty after being with the same man for 14 years, maybe it is time for you both to reinvent who you are in bed. To get some inspiration, try watching some porn together (there are some that are geared towards the woman). Tell him what you would like HIM to do to YOU and vica versa. This should take the focus off of her and make it about just you two. Don't talk about it, just rent the video and wait for the right time to watch it together. Surprise him with it. Get dressed up in your sexiest whatever--hell, the b-day suit works--and watch it. Likely, you will become aroused by watching and you can try something new that neither of you have done together. 2. Vist the website Ask Dan and Jen for some inspiration and answer to questions about sex. They do a lot of info videos (not of them having sex) and offer some great advice....all in a fun and non-dirty manner. 3. If you know of a time that you will both be home, maybe have your agenda set to suprise him with sex, somewhere different. If you are dry, you can lube yourself up just before initiating sex with him. 4. Confidence is everything and that is something that she had and you are struggling with (rightly so), but he chose YOU and he is there working on things to stay with YOU, and if that is what YOU want, that has to feel darn good. 5. Give him an education on lubrication so that he doesn't take it so personally. Let him know that the pill could be the culprit and if being naturally lubricated is that important to him, you go off the pill and he could use condoms.... Do NOT let him suggest for a minute that it is due to your disinterest or lack of interest in him. Don't let him plant that seed--instead educate him. Best of luck to you and your hubby as you have lots of fun rebuilding your relationship. They say that relationships post affair can sometimes be even greater and stronger than before. He's lucky to have a wonderful and loving woman like you.
fooled once Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am wondering.... May 27 you posted that you were going to take it REAL REAL slow -- and sex wasn't even part of the equation right now. That wasn't even a week ago and yet, here you are....barely back with him and trying to have sex all the time. Does HE not get it that he just had an affair and instead of criticizing you about your lack of sexual technique or wetness, he should be the one stroking you, making you wet and doing everything in HIS power to worship YOU???? As for dryness --- welcome to being a female. Some females are like slip and slide and some aren't. Doesn't make you any less sexy, any less of a woman, any less sexual. It is your BODY and you can't control that. Like someone else said, when his pee wee doesn't pop up as often as he wants it or for as LONG as he wants it.... how about you point and say "what's the matter .... aren't you excited for me?" I think you are being wayyyy to hard on yourself and he is not being nearly sensitive enough. I disagree that he should be telling you how wet she was, etc. That is really crude and inappropriate. Also remember, they were sneaking around, and the excitement of forbidden sex, etc.... that is NORMAL in an affair. BUT, if they had stayed together, more than likely, things would have slowed down. I am not saying every marriage is boring or whatever, but couples after years together DO and CAN fall into a rut and it is up to BOTH parties to put some spice back in. Do not put this all on you - let's see what HE can do to make YOU want him again!
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