AAAAAAAAAA Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) Alright, so here's what happened, and I desperately need some advice. I have been seeing a married woman for the past 7 months. They have been married a year and together for about 12. Her and I are in our mid-20's, so for her, this guy is just about all she knows about relationships where I am well seasoned, and have been around the block several times. Please note my longest relationship is 1 year. I am single. Also, there are no children involved. Anyhow, the husband is living in another city 2 hours away (work) and I have had her all to myself 4 days a week. We fell crazy in love with each other and discussed the notion of being together on several occasions, sometimes idealizing a bit, but she seemed to be learning what a relationship is like outside this guy, who by the way verbally assaults her on a weekly basis, sometimes physically tussles her, and has cheated on her several times (with her bridesmaid!!). I've met the guy, and he is a tool. I've asked her to be completely honest about their relationship so I could know where I stand and if I need to back off, and she said aside from these mishaps, he has his moments and does love her, as she loves him, it is clear however that they are wrong for each other and he rules with an iron fist. She has also said the marriage was a mistake and she would not do it again. She is an amazing girl, but make no mistake our affair has lead us into lying and deception, hiding and sneaking around, manipulation and selfishness. "She clearly doesn't have the highest level of integrity, honor, kindness, and compassion for others. And is terrible at conflict resolution, and much better at conflict avoidance, withdrawal and betrayal," to quote another amazing post. My involvement in this thing means I possess some of these characteristics as well, but and I am also to blame for being involved. Last week, we had a nice dinner, made our usual plans for Monday, and the husband found out over the weekend (I don't know if she admitted it or he found out) but I received a colorful threat from him via phone and e-mail, with him now apparently knowing everything about me, and she called me yesterday with a 10 second phone call instating no-contact, leaving me with no closure and a suspicion that he once again is ruling her weakness with fear. Our love didn't die naturally and where they may now have "decided" to carry on the marriage and reinvent themselves, there is no doubt it will not last and she is doomed to a crappy marriage. I don't know what to do, and I wonder how justified I am to assume that although they may benefit somehow from the affair, that they will inevitably be miserable. I don't want to harass her, but I want closure, from her, and I need to know whether to go after her Troy style, or chalk the relationship up as a learned experience and put it behind me. Mind you that if I step outside myself and assess our relationship without the marriage compared to the one she currently has, I KNOW I am a better fit for her, and have treated he like a complete queen, and she has been my best friend. ... I know it doesn't sound it and I am trying to be composed, but I am a complete disaster and the affair is effected my job (we worked together) and I was forced out because of the affair, and it has annihilated my social and love life with other, obviously as I spent all my energy on her. Also, is it also possible that the emotional needs she depends on from him involve abuse and mistrust? What did I do wrong? What will happen to them? Thanks everyone. Edited June 1, 2010 by AAAAAAAAAA
jthorne Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 What did you do wrong? You got involved with a married woman, knowing she was married. The state of their marriage is none of your business, you are not her husband. Whether he is a jerk or not, is none of your concern. I know you are a caring guy, and want to rescue this lady from a bad relationship. But frankly, it's not your place. No matter what their relationship is, she has chosen her husband. She has requested no contact. Please respect that. Chalk it up to a lesson learned, and don't get yourself in this position ever again.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Alright, so here's what happened, and I desperately need some advice. I have been seeing a married woman for the past 7 months. They have been married a year and together for about 12. Her and I are in our mid-20's, so for her, this guy is just about all she knows about relationships where I am well seasoned, and have been around the block several times. Please note my longest relationship is 1 year. I am single. Also, there are no children involved. Anyhow, the husband is living in another city 2 hours away (work) and I have had her all to myself 4 days a week. We fell crazy in love with each other and discussed the notion of being together on several occasions, sometimes idealizing a bit, but she seemed to be learning what a relationship is like outside this guy, who by the way verbally assaults her on a weekly basis, sometimes physically tussles her, and has cheated on her several times (with her bridesmaid!!). I've met the guy, and he is a tool. I've asked her to be completely honest about their relationship so I could know where I stand and if I need to back off, and she said aside from these mishaps, he has his moments and does love her, as she loves him, it is clear however that they are wrong for each other and he rules with an iron fist. She has also said the marriage was a mistake and she would not do it again. She is an amazing girl, but make no mistake our affair has lead us into lying and deception, hiding and sneaking around, manipulation and selfishness. She clearly doesn't have the highest level of integrity, honor, kindness, and compassion for others. And is terrible at conflict resolution, and are much better at conflict avoidance, withdrawal and betrayal. My involvement in this thing means I possess some of these characteristics as well, but and I am also to blame for for being involved. Last week, we had a nice dinner, made our usual plans for Monday, and the husband found out over the weekend (I don't know if she admitted it or he found out) but I received a colorful threat from him via phone and e-mail, with him now apparently knowing everything about me, and she called me yesterday with a 10 second phone call instating no-contact, leaving me with no closure and a suspicion that he once again is ruling her weakness with fear. Our love didn't die naturally and where they may now have "decided" to carry on the marriage and reinvent themselves, there is no doubt it will not last and she is doomed to a crappy marriage. I don't know what to do, and I wonder how justified I am to assume that although they may benefit somehow from the affair, that they will inevitably be miserable. I don't want to harass her, but I want closure, from her, and I need to know whether to go after her Troy style, or chalk the relationship up as a learned experience and put it behind me. Mind you that if I step outside myself and assess our relationship without the marriage compared to the one she currently has, I KNOW I am a better fit for her, and have treated he like a complete queen, and she has been my best friend. Also, is it also possible that the emotional needs she depends on from him involve abuse and mistrust? What did I do wrong? What will happen to them? Thanks everyone. 1)She has been completely honest about your relationship...you are the piece on the side. 2)Are they doomed? Or do you just want them to be in a crappy marriage. You some how deem yourself as a step up. I would bet even money her husband(who if I were you would watch my back) wouldn't call you a better fit, just a sneakier fit. 3)What do you call what she is doing to him? Cheating is emotional abuse and it doesn't exactly inspire trust in your spouse. You aren't the first and more than likely won't be the last.
Tommy's Girl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 jt and bent - I AGREE! Listen to these wise ones. As far as closure, you got your closure. At least she called if only for 10 seconds. Do you think her H gives a darn if you need closure?! Respect their wishes. No contact.
Author AAAAAAAAAA Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 maybe it's none of my business, but how shouldn't i be concerned over her well-being? What if somebody in your family was involved in an abusive relationship? Wouldn't you want to help? How is this any different?
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Your MW has asked for no contact. You need to respect that. It is very likely that she will get back to you when things calm down at home, but - at least until then - you need to respect her wish of no contact. I agree that she did give you closure even if it was only a 10-second call. Apparently that was all that was available to her.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 maybe it's none of my business, but how shouldn't i be concerned over her well-being? What if somebody in your family was involved in an abusive relationship? Wouldn't you want to help? How is this any different? Because she ISN'T YOUR FAMILY. She is the woman you are helping to cheat. She is her husband's family. She is as much an abuser as you say her husband is. Want help an abused woman, volunteer at a woman's shelter.
Author AAAAAAAAAA Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 i see what you're saying, and i agree with that, maybe not the 'helping her cheat thing' as i was supporting her in her decision to slowly break away out of her marriage after she started putting together that it may not have been the right thing (at least that is what i thought was going on, clearly i was wrong). Anyhow, to me she is more important than everybody else in my life, so why wouldn't i treat her as such. i used the word family as an example of closeness. by the way, i really do appreciate your input. i have been getting some pretty terrible advice from other people.
bentnotbroken Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 i see what you're saying, and i agree with that, maybe not the 'helping her cheat thing' as i was supporting her in her decision to slowly break away out of her marriage after she started putting together that it may not have been the right thing (at least that is what i thought was going on, clearly i was wrong). Anyhow, to me she is more important than everybody else in my life, so why wouldn't i treat her as such. i used the word family as an example of closeness. by the way, i really do appreciate your input. i have been getting some pretty terrible advice from other people. And there is one of your problems. When 1 person takes precedence over doing the right thing with respect and honor, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your life and the things (and people) that are truly important.
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 i see what you're saying, and i agree with that, maybe not the 'helping her cheat thing' as i was supporting her in her decision to slowly break away out of her marriage after she started putting together that it may not have been the right thing (at least that is what i thought was going on, clearly i was wrong). Anyhow, to me she is more important than everybody else in my life, so why wouldn't i treat her as such. i used the word family as an example of closeness. by the way, i really do appreciate your input. i have been getting some pretty terrible advice from other people. I understand that she is more important to you than anybody else. That is normal when we are in a love relationship. So is my MM the one closest to me. But she has asked you for NC. I can't see that you have any other choice than to respect that. Or are you fearing that he is physically abusing her and you need to protect her? I can't see how you could do anything but make it worse.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I don't want to harass her, but I want closure, from her, and I need to know whether to go after her Troy style, or chalk the relationship up as a learned experience and put it behind me. She's asked for no contact, please respect that. Yes, you want closure..Want to know if she did love you and that you meant something to her. Obviously you did, otherwise she wouldn't have cheated and had an affair with you. The thing is, no matter what she tells you, it won't be enough. You'll find other reasons to contact her (withdrawal, other questions that may need answered etc) and stay attached. Make your own closure. Keep reading and venting here. This woman is messed up, if it's true her H is abusive, then she is wounded and not ready to leave him and start up a new life with you. Her actions (ending the A and staying married) says it all. She has a right to change her mind, she's been with this guy for 12 years and she isn't going to leave him after knowing you and having an affair for 7 months. Like it or not, somehow you have to let go and accept things as they are. Take care of you - Detach and grieve, let go of her. She's married, you knew that from day one. She's going to be fine, she has her H, friends, family to help her if she needs it..
Author AAAAAAAAAA Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 These are great tips. I will absolutely bow out of this one and not get involved, move on and learn from this. Its really too bad just because aside from being my lover she was my best friend and we made each other very happy. I do have one more question, and I'm not asking because I want hope or anything, just curious. In cases like these, can I expect her at some point to reach out to me? Even a year from now as a friendly gesture? Like I said, I realize now she is twisted and would only carry those traits into our relationship if we ever had one, but can I expect this to happen?
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 These are great tips. I will absolutely bow out of this one and not get involved, move on and learn from this. Its really too bad just because aside from being my lover she was my best friend and we made each other very happy. I do have one more question, and I'm not asking because I want hope or anything, just curious. In cases like these, can I expect her at some point to reach out to me? Even a year from now as a friendly gesture? Like I said, I realize now she is twisted and would only carry those traits into our relationship if we ever had one, but can I expect this to happen? More likely than not, you are going to hear from her again. Her emotions for you are not gone either.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 These are great tips. I will absolutely bow out of this one and not get involved, move on and learn from this. Its really too bad just because aside from being my lover she was my best friend and we made each other very happy. I do have one more question, and I'm not asking because I want hope or anything, just curious. In cases like these, can I expect her at some point to reach out to me? Even a year from now as a friendly gesture? Like I said, I realize now she is twisted and would only carry those traits into our relationship if we ever had one, but can I expect this to happen? Yes, she'll probably reach out to you at some point. But on HER terms. When/if that happens, you need to be strong and ask HER to respect no contact, that you don't want to hear from her or see her either. To contact eachother is pointless and honestly, self serving. She's probably missing you and having withdrawal as well, that stuff doesn't just up and disappear immediately. Either way, she's made her decision. Her marriage and husband, so the consquence to that is, she loses you...In every way. No calls, no texts, no emails and NO seeing eachother.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 And there is one of your problems. When 1 person takes precedence over doing the right thing with respect and honor, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your life and the things (and people) that are truly important. Excellent post, bent. Everyone involved in an A needs to read this. This is the reason As typically don't work out for anyone - it's not right and there is no respect or honor in doing what is wrong. You may think everything is ok for a while but I think deep down all participants in an A know it's wrong. There are no exceptions and no excuses to justify any A. Loveless marriage? Nah. Staying for the kids so it's ok? Nah. We're in love? Nah. Right is right. When you choose what's wrong, you invite problems. The problems are endless on this board... post after post after post of problems that could have been avoided if people who are married - happy or not - decide to stay faithful or get out completely before crossing the line with another person.
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