Trying to understand all this, the A, the OW

[Pilona]

I am not sure if I am posting on the right forum. I hope I am and apologies if I am not. See, I was not married to the man who had the affair. I was dating him and he had committed to me, we were going to get married. Here is my story:

 

A week ago, my boyfriend and I were supposed to start a cross country move from the east to the west to live in the same state (not together). Our relationship started on the same place and then was long distance for a while. We were together for a year and a half. I was supposed to fly from abroad where I am studying to meet him in the east (we were to drive together to the West). On that day he called me to let me know what in the past year and a half he slept with 5 women (once with each, one time things). He gave me the whole thing about how they meant nothing and how he loves me. He told me apparently to clear his conscience before the move. I canceled the move.

 

We had a LDR which I thought was solid and deeply committed. He has never done anything but show his love to me. I have some trust issues but never like I had with him. Every time I would raise my concerns he would make me feel like IIIII was wrong. That I needed to take a hard look at why I could not trust him. And I did, I sought my therapist and started working on myself though I always felt odd about the fact that this level of distrust had not manifested itself in any other relationship. In other words, he lied to me time and time again and made me feel like IIII had a problem. That he was a loving man who would never betray my trust. He had many chances to confess the cheating and did it at the last moment. I chose to trust him because we both believed we were going to get married. He

asked me to marry him and he proposed to me. I never asked for these things.

 

Needless to say I am devastated and was devastated. I told my family and friends and told his family and friends. They were all very supportive and everyone is very distraught over what happened. Everyone is very worried about us. See, we had/have a very good relationship and people are concerned his stuff came from deep seated issues with his mother that have never been solved (Please note that I do not blame his actions one bit on his mother. He is an adult). I spoke with my therapist long and hard and decided to tell him that I love him and support him and /could/ consider work on this but under some conditions. Basically, I told him i love him dearly and while I was not making any promises that I could forgive him ever, or take him back, I want to get through this somehow. I asked for an account of what happened with these women and a timeline and I asked him to get therapy. I told him to contact me when he needed to talk about therapy, if he needed support, was scared or needed me to see a

couple's therapist with him. I asked him not to contact me for anything else. This freaking drama doesn't end there.

 

3 days after the revelation, I found out through Facebook (she changed her status update, he did not) that my boyfriend (or ex now I suppose) started dating this new woman he met 2 weeks ago in the east coast (where we were supposed to meet). This woman was in love with his business partner (who introduced them) and from what I gathered they (my ex and this woman) began physical relations after he confessed to me and after it was clear that the business partner did not want anything to do with her. He says he loves her and is going to move in with her. He feels liberated because he can be himself with her. This means that he can have sex outside the relationship and she will accept it, amongst other things. He says he feels free and honest and open with her and never knew one could be this way (ya think maybe this has nothing to do with this woman and everything to do with the fact that you just revealed secrets of a year and a half?!) Apparently she will also listen to everything and anything he says. The way his business partner, who has known this girl since college, describes it, she is eager for a relationship and easily used. She will do anything to have a relationship. They are basically enabling each other's toxic behavior!

 

I did talk to my ex about it. He was very angry at me for waking him up at 6 am. He was really upset that I had woken his mother up the day he told me to tell her. He was upset that I blame his mother for this (which I DO NOT. He is an adult) When I talked to my ex about this new woman and how disgusted I was that he was not trying to fix us and make amends to me, he said that he did not see us working because we had fundamentally different values and because it has been enlightening being with this woman who makes him feel relaxed and free and like he can be who he wants to be. He can tell her about how he likes to masturbate compulsively to hard core porn and how he wants other women and wants to act on his impulses on other women outside of their "relationship." I am so mad that he is not trying to fix things with me because somehow that would validate me and empower me to make a choice one way or the other. He took that from me. He has also taken to befriending people he would never befriend, such as pole dancers (I am NOT kidding). It is like he is running himself to the ground. This, too, makes my heart ache.

 

I have an incredible hole inside me and don't know how to deal with it. I want to heal and move on from this pain but dunno how or whether what I did was right. I cut all contact with him since that last conversation (it has been a week since then), keep talking to my therapist but can't stop trying to understand what is going on here what happened. Is he a sex addict? Is he a serial cheater? Is this relationship with this woman a kind of FOG? Can this Fog manifest itself after confession? So I turn to you in hopes that I can begin to make sense of what happened and what IS happening right now. Something tells me this is not the end of this whole drama.

 

Thanks thanks thanks for your response,

 

Pilona

[OWoman]

I am so mad that he is not trying to fix things with me because somehow that would validate me and empower me to make a choice one way or the other. He took that from me.

 

You are angry with him for doing to you what you were wanting to do to him - hold the power to make the call on whether or not the R had a future.

 

You wanted him to do the work repairing the R, with no commitment from your side, on the off chance that he could prove himself sufficiently to you for you to consider taking him back.

 

And then he got a better offer - someone who wants him as he is. Not some idealised version that he will have to struggle hard to become, but the current version of how he is - however "toxic" you find it.

 

She's happy with him. He's happy with her. He's made his choice, and you're just upset that your choice was made for you.

 

Move on. He's right that things won't work out between you if your values are so different. Find yourself someone more suited to your value system and hopefully things will work out better next time.

 

Good luck

[Tommy's Girl]

Just so you know, it is not a fog he is in. He has been sleeping with women for years behind your back. If you ever want peace in your life, get away from him. Take back your power. He is probably relieved that you know the truth now so he can move on too. If he really wanted you, he'd do what it takes - which doesn't include befriending pole dancers.

[Pilona]

I am upset because he did not give us a chance when I was perfectly willing to do that, even after what he did. After what he did, I feel like that is the least he could do to make amends. I was VERY clear with him from the beginning about what I needed in the relationship and yet he chose to stay in it and lie and lie again. Yet, I was more than willing to work on us and made that clear to him during our conversations. But I was not going to accept his behavior, in that you are right. If I was willing to start forgiving, he had to start taking steps to change. And yes, his behavior is absolutely toxic not only to our relationship but to his businesses. At this point he is a liability to everyone around him and SHOULD want to change (that is not my problem anymore). This woman is keeping him from doing it. I feel for her as well because he is clearly using her. I truly feel for her.

 

You are wrong to think there was no commitment on my side because when we talked I told him I could not make any promises (how could I? how do i KNOW whether or not I will be able to forgive him if I had not done the work yet) but that what I truly wanted was for us to become stronger together and move from this.

 

Plus, no commitment on my side? Seriously? After the way he behaved, after he broke me into a million pieces? That was the most commitment I could give and I think I was being nice. I never wanted an idealised anything (if I had wanted an idealised something I would have moved on not willing to work on anything). He is a flawed person and I recognized that and recognize it. In fact before all this craziness he used to talk about precisely that, how I was the only person who saw him how he was and accepted who he was. I think it is black and white thinking to say that I had an idealised vision of what I wanted. Is it truly that idealised to want your partner to stop cheating on you, take responsibility for his actions and try to make amends for his behavior, whether we stay together or not? That seems an absolutely normal desire and nothing idealised.

 

In fact, I would argue the opposite for this woman, though I don't know her (all I have to work with is what people who know her well say). He is idealising /her/. In fact she is really not Ok with any of this behavior, as per her friend suggested. She is just that desperate for a relationship, any relationship. As for my ex, he is engaging in yet another form of escapism by living with her in some sort of lala world and not taking responsibility for his actions. Which is why I wondered whether this is some kind of fog.

 

Though I disagree with most of your interpretation of the situation, I do agree that I should be doing the work (as I am) to recover from this and move on with or without him. For that, I thank you.

[Pilona]

TG agreed. Because this is so new (it happened a week ago), I wondered if this was the beginning of some back and forth craziness. One day he says he was willing to do whatever it took, the next he was sleeping with another woman. Who is to say he will not change his mind yet again, many other times? This is all very new to me and I appreciate the comments. I /am/ as I said taking steps to move on. Have been talking to my therapist, doing reading and research to recover and simply staying in the moment taking one day at a time.

[Pilona]

Oh and the reason I wondered if this was the case was because despite the fact that he said all these things about this new woman, he is still interested in going to therapy and keeping me updated about his progress. I was stunned when he said this to me. As I was when he said he was moving from his home to be with this woman...and then turns and has not even mentioned this woman to his family and friends and has not mentioned wanting to move away any time soon. So the back and forth is rather confusing and frustrating and nerve racking. I will stop posting now and look forward to more feedback. Believe it or not, getting these perspectives does help clear ones head. Thanks.

[kuma]

Pilona,

 

He's not good for you. He's a serial cheater. He has no remorse. It's not your fault. It's all about him. Move on, honey. Don't go back.

[Fight4Me]

All I can say is that you were miraculously rescued from a lifetime of heartache and misery from this man. I know it's difficult to see that right now, but I think you will realize it eventually.

 

Your gut had been screaming at you for a long time, and this scum gaslighted you into believing that you were the one who was messed up, that you needed therapy. If nothing else, you should now be able to say, with confidence, that your intuition is accurate, and not something that should be suppressed.

 

You also mentioned that he talked about masturbating compulsively to porn. I don't know how much you've looked into this, but this is one of the major signs of sexual addiction. The fact that he has found someone who accepts it is, in my mind, like someone who is saying, I finally found someone who accepts my alcoholism and even drinks with me. I finally feel free to be myself and have someone who will spiral downward with me.

 

From what I understand, he would need to be properly diagnosed by someone who specializes in sexual addiction, and also be treated by such a therapist. It's far more complicated than your average serial cheater and is a lifelong struggle, just like with other addictions.

 

To be honest, having the choice taken from you is probably a godsend, since your love for him would have made the choice to sacrifice more of yourself "for his sake" all the more difficult. Marriage is difficult enough without something like this threatening your day to day security.

 

Now, I'm not saying that I know this is exactly what is going on, and am hardly qualified to make a diagnoses, but I think for your own sanity, it might be helpful to take a look at some official websites that deal with this. Perhaps there were things that seemed off to you (hence the deeper gut feeling) that might make more sense after you do some research. If he actually is an addict, then there are a lot more behaviors that he has tried to hide from you all this time. It wouldn't be surprising if he acted out while you were LD and realized that he wouldn't be able to go back to hiding it again. I would expect that things are much much worse than you know.

 

With all that said, regardless, his cheating has absolutely nothing to do with you and you should not accept any kind of guilt from this. This speaks to whatever is broken in him, and if he wanted to change, he would clearly seek it out. He has some serious issues, and while that doesn't change the pain you are in, you can at least take comfort in knowing that you will heal. You will get past this and not only survive, but thrive. (((hugs)))

[Pilona]

I truly hope that with time, I get to see this as precisely that--a blessing in disguise.

[RedDevil66]

fight4me said it best. This guy is a first class serial cheater with NO conscience.

I know this hurt, deception is a terrible feeling, but finding out before you made the move was a blessing. His choice of life is toxic and SICK! Serial cheater omit themselves from any wrongdoing, and will place all the blame on their victims. This is not your fault.

 

hugs, I'm sorry for your pain

[Pilona]

Oh and re: sexual addiction. I HAVE looked into it with some hesitation because I am no doctor and I only have his word (who even trusts this) to go by. He seems to think that masturbating (all the time is what he said verbatum) to porn is normal. He talked about feeling the need to control and dominate women as a possible reason for his behavior and the other things I have already mentioned here. Whether this makes him a sex addict or not, who knows. The more I write about him the worse I feel about falling for him and the more humiliated I feel about this whole situation.