whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Obviously some do work out, but the majority don't. If a MM or MW truly does the right thing, divorces and makes it as painless as possible for their spouse, also doesn't drag his/her feet, keep the A going for years and years, then the chances are higher it could work. The affair was based on a big lie, hidden and alot of betrayal going on. That dynamic has to stop when an OW/OM - MM/MW get together. Therapy can help and also allowing time and space so the married person can grieve the loss of their marriage (it still is a loss, even if they are the ones ending it), and the life they built with their spouse. Alot of changes to deal with on many levels. For MM or MW who stay in affairs, say they'll leave but don't, or leave, yet go back to their spouses, then back to the OW/OM, those usually don't work out because of the dynamic, the hurt, mistrust etc.. GEL and OW are two that come to mind - But their situations were different. Their MM's put a plan into action and followed through. It should not take 3=4 years for a married person to decide. It's crap or get off the can basically.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I do not see myself marrying the OM because what we did has destroyed two families and it would be difficult to build a new relationship out of all that ash. And this is why most of the time it doesn't work. A new life starting based on a lie - ALOT of people get hurt, not just the BS's, and kids.. But also, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, extended family..Neighbours. For the married person to start over and introduce someone new, cannot be easy. Ofcourse, people pick sides and friendships end, families choose to stay away. I'm generalizing here, obviously not everybody picks sides, yet it does happen.
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 exactly - and in my case, my kids all know who the OM is and would take years to accept him - while my OM's family all know who I am it would be the same. I am not acting on this - it was more just a throw out to see what kinds of reactions I would get. On this site sometimes you hear - you're horrible for putting your family through all of that!!! and then later you see - you need to do what's best for you.... But the bottom line is what Owl says - just DO something - and then move on. It's the limbo that kills spirits. I'm deciding to work doubly hard with my husband. I hope it will end up with both of us being happy.
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You won't feel with your H what you felt with your OM. That butterflies in the tummy, heart flutters.. That happens at the beginning of every new relationship. Stuff people get addicted to when having an affair, that intensity and all those feelings. What you have with your H is longevity. Love that grows daily and isn't based on pure emotion, hot sex and lust. Don't compare it, otherwise your marriage will never recover.
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 WWIU - thanks for saying those words. they are very important. i thought - briefly - that the butterflies were more important than they are. thank you thank you thank you. someone said earlier that i obviously don't love my husband. well until you've had an affair you might not believe it's possible to love two men but then again, can't you have more than one child and love them equally but in different ways? but the heart can't begin to heal if it remains divided. i want to give all of my attention to my husband. he just let me know he sees clearly how much he hurt me over the years and to me - that signals that we are both ready to approach the table as equals to begin rebuilding what we lost. I'm very happy for others - like OWoman - who found love through an affair - but I don't see mine ending up like that (it's also sucn a different situation).
Owl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 If you're wanting to rebuild things with your H, there are some definite steps you'll want to take. First...NC with OM...forever. First, foremost, and mission critical. If you don't do this, then you're wasting your time and effort. Second, get a good marriage counselor who can create a safe environment for you and your H to work through the issues. Third, research. Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman is excellent as well. Start with those, and if you're interested I can refer some other good stuff too. Fourth...time. This is going to take a LOT of effort, and a long time for your marriage to recover. Not all marriages can/do. But don't approach this thinking you're going to be sitting happy and healthy next week. Recovery is measured in months/years. Just my thoughts. I wish you well.
Snowflower Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 WWIU - thanks for saying those words. they are very important. i thought - briefly - that the butterflies were more important than they are. thank you thank you thank you. someone said earlier that i obviously don't love my husband. well until you've had an affair you might not believe it's possible to love two men but then again, can't you have more than one child and love them equally but in different ways? but the heart can't begin to heal if it remains divided. i want to give all of my attention to my husband. he just let me know he sees clearly how much he hurt me over the years and to me - that signals that we are both ready to approach the table as equals to begin rebuilding what we lost. I'm very happy for others - like OWoman - who found love through an affair - but I don't see mine ending up like that (it's also sucn a different situation). Thanks for being so honest here. Keep posting!
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