rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I can't wait to hear opinions - my MM (and I'm the OW but also a MW) - is a coworker. His W and my H both know of our A. He now says his M is over and he hasn't been living with his W for months. During the A I had trouble believing him but he has been trying very hard to convince me he truly is in love with me for months. He is 9 years younger than I am and that fact alone makes me wonder what is going on. An A is one thing, asking me to marry him is quite another. How many A's end up in happy marriages? How would this ever work and is it worth throwing away 21 years for this? I'm so confused it is driving me crazy. My H is already crazy and probably past the point of giving me any more chances.
ADF Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 As someone who works in a family law office, I can tell you with some confidence it almost never happens. In 9 out of 10 cases, the MM ends up dumping the OW and returning to his wife. This isn't necessarily because he cares more for his wife, but because staying with his wife is just so much easier. If a MM were to leave his wife for his OW, he would need to divorce. Divorce is a long, brutal process that can to the MM's financial ruin. The consequences of dumping the OW are much less severe, so that is what the overwhelming majority of MM do.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Is it worth throwing 21 years away??? Well you should know since you decided to throw it away by having an affair! Sounds like you should be posting this under the OW/OM forum...as only the deluded can give you the deluded answers. Sounds like you only want to continue the affair or relationship with this guy only IF you know it will work out...as we all know 75% of affairs usually don't work out. The fact that your not even considering your husbands feelings in all this disgusts me..and you really should set him free to find a trustworthy person who will truly love him and treat him with the respect he deserves. Basically...if you think starting a relationship based on 2 affairs...you guys will have major issues from the get go and I seriously give you insecure fools a year TOPS! Good Luck!
reboot Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 The divorce rate for second marriages is even higher than for first marriages, but no one really knows how many second marriages started out as affairs. There's not a good answer to your question, other than some do and some don't. I've read a couple of articles that suggest that marriages born from an affair have a very low success rate, but they had no real scientific evidence to back that claim up. Common sense makes me lean towards believing this, but it really can't be backed up.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Mine ended in a wonderfully happy M. As did my father's, decades ago. As have several friends', colleagues', and acquaintances. But some haven't. There are risks in any R.
Samantha0905 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Not trying to be smarmy, but perhaps you should get divorced before contemplating your next marriage. I mean seriously -- and I've been a WS -- I don't see how anyone could possibly contemplate marriage when not out of a current marriage. I think a break and time being on your own/self reflection would be helpful after a divorce. I'm not saying you would need to stop seeing your OM all together, but I sure wouldn't hop right back into marriage. As for your question, there's no way to know the future. It may or may not work out, but I definitely think the odds would be against it given the situation. There are so many emotional hurdles and pain involved -- not to mention the trust factor issues. In any event, you won't know until you know. It will either last or not. Why does the age thing bother you? Nine years isn't that much. I think it's fine you posted in this section and I don't see OW/OM as "the deluded." You know what they say about people who call others fools......
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Samantha - I agree about doing things in order. That is what I told my OM because I was starting to go crazy being involved in what seemed like a continuation of the affair while going through the separation. He wants a commitment from me which I cannot give him. It is best for us to be alone in our journeys for now. Also, with regard to an earlier post, I am not the only person in my marriage. Only I know what I lived through up until I started the affair. My husband is very good at emotional manipulation and hurts not only me but the kids. No, an A wasn't a mature way to handle it but it helped me through a lot of lonely years. OWoman, how did the two of you - OM and OW work through the issues and get through your divorces with the relationship still strong?
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 OWoman, how did the two of you - OM and OW work through the issues and get through your divorces with the relationship still strong? I was long divorced, so that wasn't an issue for me - but I did have several other things I needed to tie up before we could move in together. Basically, once we'd taken the decision to be together, we got on with what we each needed to do to enable that. He moved out and rented a place with his kids, setting the D in process. When I had tied things up on my end, I joined him. We lived together while the D was being finalised, and then M once it and the financial settlement were through. There weren't - aren't - any trust issues in our M. We both went into the A, and into the subsequent M, being very open and honest with each other, and we've always known exactly where we stood with each other. His family have been very supportive, which also helps a good deal, as have his friends and colleagues. We never had a sense of battling against anyone or anything (aside from the xW at times, when she tried dirty tactics) and so although it was a good deal to deal with all at once (he had some other family tragedies around the same time) we felt very blessed to have each other, our kids, our families and friends. I hope your situation works out well, whichever way you choose.
2sure Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 When an affair is an exit affair, meaning the marriage was already over to both parties, D-Day comes quickly and ends in the Divorce that was already on its way. Those affair partners then have the same chance at a relationship as anyone else.
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Good point, 2Sure. I guess my AP felt his M was over fairly quickly and worked on winding it down (what he says anyway). However, on my end I tried to save the marriage and still don't know what the right answer is. I believe part of it is the simple fact that I'm a woman and am very insecure. The process of divorce is extremely terrifying and I don't know if I will make it through. Thanks, everyone for your help. All I can say is - A's are not a good idea under any circumstances!!!
Passion4Life Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Good point, 2Sure. I guess my AP felt his M was over fairly quickly and worked on winding it down (what he says anyway). However, on my end I tried to save the marriage and still don't know what the right answer is. I believe part of it is the simple fact that I'm a woman and am very insecure. The process of divorce is extremely terrifying and I don't know if I will make it through. Thanks, everyone for your help. All I can say is - A's are not a good idea under any circumstances!!! well I think you can never honestly try to save your marriage while keeping in touch with your MM . That is a fake try . Affairs can end in happy marriage . if you dont love your husband but OM & you are in love then may be OM & you can be happier together . But thats only for just two of you and I guess that is what you want to know right ? . For your kids & husband it can be completely different or rather simply devastating . Best of luck
Passion4Life Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I can't wait to hear opinions - my MM (and I'm the OW but also a MW) - is a coworker. His W and my H both know of our A. He now says his M is over and he hasn't been living with his W for months. During the A I had trouble believing him but he has been trying very hard to convince me he truly is in love with me for months. He is 9 years younger than I am and that fact alone makes me wonder what is going on. An A is one thing, asking me to marry him is quite another. How many A's end up in happy marriages? How would this ever work and is it worth throwing away 21 years for this? I'm so confused it is driving me crazy. My H is already crazy and probably past the point of giving me any more chances. I dont think anybody else other than you can tell you if it is worth throwing away 21 yrs as you have already decided to do that .
rewe4reel Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 If you get divorced, why would you want to re-marry?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I know of at least three OW on this board who ended up married to their MM. The odds aren't that great, and particularly not when both of you are going into this on two broken foundations. There is no point in even considering marriage, or even a decent relationship until you are both fully divorced and living separately from your spouses. Reinforce your own foundations and fix them before you try to cobble together a foundation between the two of you out of broken pieces of your own failed marriages.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 He wants a commitment from me which I cannot give him. HOLY CRAP!!!!! ROFLMBAO!!!!!!:lmao: Seriously!?!?! What does a married woman who cheats with a married man who lies and cheats on his wife, know about commitment?? You thought the affair was gonna help you in your marriage? or are you feeling guilty you dont want to OM or having second thoughts? I mean this is what you wanted right? If i was your husband id be pissed too! but then again, your hedging your bets we can all see it. Your husband should just toss you out and keep the kids in the house he lives in. Go be with the MM. go ahead. it was all worth it!
califnan Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I do not believe that a marriage built on adultery, is blessed.
RedDevil66 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Is it worth throwing 21 years away??? Well you should know since you decided to throw it away by having an affair! Sounds like you should be posting this under the OW/OM forum...as only the deluded can give you the deluded answers. Sounds like you only want to continue the affair or relationship with this guy only IF you know it will work out...as we all know 75% of affairs usually don't work out. The fact that your not even considering your husbands feelings in all this disgusts me..and you really should set him free to find a trustworthy person who will truly love him and treat him with the respect he deserves. Basically...if you think starting a relationship based on 2 affairs...you guys will have major issues from the get go and I seriously give you insecure fools a year TOPS! Good Luck! Only 51 posts in and you already understand LS :-) I agree and disagree, I would say the rate is higher than 75%. And when they do work, there is a high probability of one of the cheaters cheating again.
califnan Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Many of these affairs seem to take place in the workplace.. (Pitty the employer - with all of this mating going on).. In the olden days the women mostly stayed home with the kiddies and the crops .. No the family probably didn't flourish as much financially, or with expanded 'needs' - But now we know why woman was supposed to stay home ... second only to the chastity belt..
2long Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 An A is one thing, asking me to marry him is quite another. How many A's end up in happy marriages? Most marriage-recovery websites will tell you that the odds of the cheaters still being 2gether after 5 years are down in the very small single-digits. Frank Pittman, however, seems 2 have experience with clients in such relationships and put the odds somewhat higher, but I don't remember offhand what they were. How would this ever work and is it worth throwing away 21 years for this? Perhaps this is something you should have thought about before getting involved with "your" MM (really, he's his W's MM, not yours). I'm so confused it is driving me crazy. My H is already crazy Considering you're nuts (I believe you) and cheating on your H, and consequently needing 2 grasp at straws 2 justify doing so, I don't believe your H is crazy (he may be, but you're not one 2 judge, in your current emotional state). and probably past the point of giving me any more chances. If he isn't yet, he soon will be. Good for him. What will you do? -ol' 2long
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 If my husband does what most people tell him to do and file for divorce? I will get through it and see where I am after that process. I do not see myself marrying the OM because what we did has destroyed two families and it would be difficult to build a new relationship out of all that ash. I am grateful for the posts on my thread. I deserve all of the bad names. I definitely wish I had found this website much sooner. I have wasted a lot of great opportunities to repair my marriage. Not an excuse at all but to further give insight - my husband had his own indiscretions 12 years ago. My A was much worse but he understands how it takes two for an A to happen. Thank you, everyone, for your responses.
Owl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 The question is CAN it happen? Yes. Is it LIKELY to happen? Not so much, not in my opinion at least. Here's my counter question for you, RBM. Why haven't you filed for divorce already? You're not happy. Got it. Husband cheated years ago, and the marriage never really recovered from that. Check. Your husband appears to be abusive/abrasive/controlling/defensive/unwilling to work on things. OK. So why haven't you filed for divorce already? Why are you still married right now? What does the affair, or OM's marriage have to do with you filing for divorce or not? The "odds" of a marriage with OM should have NOTHING AT ALL to do with your ending the marriage that you're currently unhappy in. Make it happen. Today.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 ...Like i said before, she's hedging her bets. Seeing which one is the better outcome. Typical cheater.
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Actually, we are separated and when the OM found out about my separation, he contacted me and it got confusing again. I have ended communication with the OM until what happens with my marriage is resolved. I'm sure it sounds like I'm hedging my bets but life is never quite that black and white. I do see the error of trying to cheat again (yes, it was still cheating even if nothing physical) while still married - thus my reason for working thru the separation - and divorce if that's where we're headed - alone.
Owl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Fair enough...I want to leave you with one thought... ...my signature. Sure, it was said by a muppet. But it's still very, very valid. You can't reconcile your marriage by "trying". You can't divorce by "trying". You can't accomplish ANYTHING by "trying". Pick a goal. Identify your plan for reaching your goal. Implement your plan. Don't try to get there...just do it. "Trying" always leave the door open for failing. It gives you an excuse for not succeeding. Doing doesn't have any of that. It IS black or white. Do it...or don't. But don't "try"...because all that is is leaving yourself a way out, and an excuse for failing.
Author rebuildingmyself Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Owl - got it. Thanks for the thoughts. You are so right. It's time to move forward - whatever that means.
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