Keep me strong im fading

[HurtinginTexas]

Im having bad dreams now of Him. I never used to at all. I think Ive made a mistake by not contacting him. Maybe if I apologize for all the nagging, and changes in my behavior and complaining. I changed becuse he seemed to change. It was different living togetehr full time than part time as an A. I wanted that for so long but he didnt seem happy 4-5 months after his D had been final. Now Im dying inside. Hes left me, and will move away out of the apt as I go to work. I have to go to work and not sit there and stalk him waiting for him to show up. Thats not me and not what I want to be. I HURT SO BAD. I have all these thoughts of everything we have ever done running in my mind its making me sick. My head is telling me all these diff things now. 1) maybe I ran him off and he was wanting to escape 2) Maybe he never loved me (why didnt he just say it) 3) maybe hes confused or menatl as all have said 4) maybe Ive made things out to be worse than they were and complained about nothing

 

Pease everyone. Just keep me staright. All my posts under "im hurting" and he others have kept me strong. All I want to tell him is plaese come back. I love him. I miss him. I CANT stand the thought of never hearing from him again, or him going back to the wife and remarrying. I cant stand the thought of continuing on without him in my life. He WAS MY LIFE for 3.5 years. I let everything and everyone else fall by the wayside. I havent heard a peep and I suppose may never. This situation seems so vastly diff than all the other flip flopping. Despite all our memories, and god times and LOVE I thought we had it wasnHe was married all the other times. He has been with me 10 months total but only 8 months since his D. Maybe it took this long to sink in the lonliness and missing her. Maye the broke ankle. He wants the exW back. And hell do anything and say anything to get it. His ploay last week was awful to watch. But he got desperate I think. And it hurts that hes desperate to get away from me. I thought I was his heart and life.

 

I hurting so badly and wantt him to make it better. What do I do. I dont want all here to think Im crazy. Yes he lied. Yes he went back and forth. Yes he knew the hurt he caused. But this one is so vastly diff because he was divorced now. SHE divorced him. Not him her. Maybe thats the reason. Maybe hes interested bc she moved ona nd hasnt paid much attention. But to want to escape from me and disappaer and with no reason or notice after all his promises. I hurt so badly and dont know what to do.

 

PLEASE KEEP ME STRONG

[jennie-jennie]

(((((Hurting)))))

[BB07]

HITexas......ahhhh hon. Big hugs and Some tough love OK. Please STOP this, you are torturing yourself in your head. No you aren't crazy and most of us have been where you are at one time or another. I know it feels like you are in the pits of hell but you've got to climb out, you are the only one who can do it. Please listen to what some of us are telling you, get busy, find some balance in your life, remember the things you used to enjoy and DO THEM. Make yourself an appointment TODAY to get some counseling, please, please, please! STOP blaming yourself for him being AN ASSHAT! When your head clears you are going to see that you do not want this man in your life, he is a user, and a liar. He is BAD NEWS and toxic. DO NOT let him have this much power over you. Please understand that you've got to help yourself and you've got to start TODAY!

[jthorne]

Ok, let's be serious.

So you contact him. You humiliate yourself by begging him to come back.

Then what?

You're exactly right. He did not choose divorce. He did not choose you. He wanted both of you. He came to you because SHE kicked him out.

He wanted you both.

So say you contact him. What do you expect the outcome to be, really?

You say you're sorry, and he comes running back into your arms?

And you're sorry for what? Sorry for asking to have your needs met? If you have to "nag" to have your needs met, doesn't that tell you something?

You are hurting, so you are second quessing yourself. It's like an alcoholic in withdrawl thinking maybe one more drink will make the pain go away. It doesn't. It just starts the cycle all over again.

[HurtinginTexas]

You are right. I am hurting so bad Im starting to doubt everything. Im not sure whats real and fake. Im not sure whats lies and the truth. Not sure if he loved me or was using me. Not sure if he ever did or when it stopped. Not sure I ruined it and pushed him away or this is what he had planned. im doubting myself. Im misisng him. My heart is so damged and in pain. All i want him to do is care and feel bad and he DOESNT. He only cares about his needs at the time. I loved him wholely with all my heart and Ive held on to this dream for a long time. It hurts to be used and made a fool of, and not be able to get revenge or hurt back for all the hurt, or get the last word of what a worthless human being could do to ruin a godd heart.

 

This is my karma for messing witha married man

[Silly_Girl]

I am really sorry you're hurting so much. I know that pain. Just wanted to offer a hug, doesn't help much, I know.

((( )))

[jennie-jennie]

Hurting, when you are already happy with a new love he is going to be the one unhappy longing for you. I have seen it happen so many times here on LS. If you want revenge, get it by living a full life being happy. It sounds cliché perhaps, but it is the truth.

[califnan]

I have know from your posts that you have given yourself the guilt, and that's what is eating you .. Could I have done this or that.

 

If you really feel you should apologize, just to get if off of your chest then do it. But please don't beg for him to come back to you.

 

Do you remember that you said his wife went on with her life - then he returned to her .. This man, who has threatened suicide seems to be attracted to strong women?

 

Get through these next four days.. Next weekend we will work on ways you can have your life back, after the healing.. - And the best you can show any former hurtful relationship.

[califnan]

You are right. I am hurting so bad Im starting to doubt everything. Im not sure whats real and fake. Im not sure whats lies and the truth. Not sure if he loved me or was using me. Not sure if he ever did or when it stopped. Not sure I ruined it and pushed him away or this is what he had planned. im doubting myself. Im misisng him. My heart is so damged and in pain. All i want him to do is care and feel bad and he DOESNT. He only cares about his needs at the time. I loved him wholely with all my heart and Ive held on to this dream for a long time. It hurts to be used and made a fool of, and not be able to get revenge or hurt back for all the hurt, or get the last word of what a worthless human being could do to ruin a godd heart.

 

This is my karma for messing witha married man

 

----------------------

 

Yes honey, these MM who are users, do only care about themselves.

[HurtinginTexas]

I dont want to apologize. I just feel in my heart and head everything is getting all twisted around. I did nag, and accuse, and doubt. I was suspicious but it was all beacuse of past behavior. I did nag because it seemed there was no follow through on any of the promises. I did complain because we never talked, or shared, or it didnt seem as if he appreciated me. I dont think it mattered if I treated him like royalty if he wanted out he would get out and maybe I pushed it up a bit quicker with th efights. All I wanted was us to get back those happy days. I wanted to feel special. to get flowers. Not to have to ask for flowers, and appreciation. If you ask to ask I guess its not worth it. He wanted me for fun and companionship as he didnt like to be alone. He wanted the bedtime action, but when I wanted the realtionship, and nurturing and efforts to get to grow, and build a life with someone. It seemed missing. If I have to nag to meet someones family that weird isnt it? Or to beg to be put on facebook (a pic of his girlfriend) or not have a single status? Isnt that wrong?

I needed to be felt like he cared if I were to walk out the door and it seemed not to be that way. Id say you keep the bahvior up and youll be alone. Hed say "whatever hes tired of the threats" or that "Id been saying that alot like I wanted to go". All i wanted him to say was I love you, plaese dont leave. Yet I stayed and I think he had no respect for me. Im not sure whats worse. Wondering what hes thinking, or doing. Wondering if he feels bad, or cares, or if Im even on his thoughts not that she s the target of his affcetions. Wondering if he feels badly, or misses me. I know I cannot contact him anymore. It justs feels as if my whole haert has been ripped out. Ima work and dont want to be. I know sitiing at home does nothing and Ill just see the emails to her now professing the love he had for me only a week ago. Thank you all for listening and the support. I know everyone has ther own problems.

[califnan]

After he came over to you, you expected instant everything? He didn't even know who he was. No, transitions are not easy.

 

You are looking at things in the 'now'. You must have patience, and start looking to what the future holds.

[jj33]

Im so sorry you are hurting. I used to have bad dreams about xMM. For awhile I had such nightmares I didnt want to go to sleep and I would wake up exhausted.

 

Its awful but it passes. Your subconscious is processing everything.

 

You have to pretend he is dead. That is the only way to think about it. He is dead to you because you dont need anyone in your life who behaves the way he does.

 

He is a troubled troubled man and you are NOT his savior. Its hard to think of how to rebuild your life when you thought he was "the answer" but he is not. He is not the answer for anyone.

 

Stay strong. In time when the pain subsides you will be glad you did.

 

You may feel there is nothing to go on for, but being with a man who causes you such pain is far worse than being alone.

[HurtinginTexas]

Do you think it may be a mid life crisis that ended, or that hes just a sick manipulative liar

[califnan]

Do you think it may be a mid life crisis that ended, or that hes just a sick manipulative liar

 

-------------------

 

Probably a Confused manipulative cake-eater user.

[Jilly Bean]

I dont want to apologize. I just feel in my heart and head everything is getting all twisted around. I did nag, and accuse, and doubt. I was suspicious but it was all beacuse of past behavior. I did nag because it seemed there was no follow through on any of the promises. I did complain because we never talked, or shared, or it didnt seem as if he appreciated me.

 

Wow. So, now you are talking like the woman who is beaten by her husband, and then rationalizes that she provoked the abuse, encouraged the beatings, and all-around deserved it.

 

Hon, what you are perceiving as love from this man is anything but. He is cruel, abusive, and preys on women like yourself.

 

Do you have access to therapy at all? That might help while you regroup. Right now, I think you are so lost in what this man has snatched from you, you can't even think straight.

[jj33]

Hes a man who is lost. Sick manipulative liar may be part of it.

 

There is a lesson here. A lesson for many of us.

 

If someone isnt behaving properly there is no reason to make excuses. Everyone has bad days, but if someone is inconsistent in how they treat you and in this way I mean treats you with disregard, then you GET OUT.

 

It doesnt matter why it doesnt matter what they went through or are going through, if they cant consistently treat you with the respect that you deserve, then you walk away.

 

Someone once told me, it doesnt matter if a man is dead, gay, married living temporarily on Mars or emotionally unavailable, if he is unavailable he is unavailable and that is all that matters.

 

Its the same principle at work here. WHY someone treats us badly isnt the relevant question (it feels like it is but really it isnt). The real question is why did we stay. That is not to blame you, you can only see these things when you are ready.

 

But you know now. He is not the man you thought he was or could be.

 

And you have to be grateful every day that you are out of this and he cant hurt you anymore.

 

Yes I know at the moment you are saying but I wont share the good times, but you dont need to put up with this kind of pain to have love. You really dont.

 

When you are feeling stronger you need to write yourself a new script for what love is and how it feels. You will find a way (perhaps with a counselor) to reprogram your expectations of love so that when someone shows that you are not a priority you leave.

 

When I was young a friend said you date all sorts of men I would never date. They are more "exciting" than the men I date but I am not comfortable with that. I like to date men who are safe, who I know will put me first no matter what and if they dont I dont see them again. At the time l didnt understand what she meant and I thought I was dating men who put me first. But I wasnt. I was dating "complicated men" who may have loved me (in their way) but with whom there was no real future to be had. Yes some of them are now married, but not happily. And the relationships that I developed with them werent going to lead to marriage much as I thought that they might. I didnt have the right "script".

 

Its only since being with xMM that I learned the lesson. In some ways because what we had was more real (much as loads of people on the boards say an A cant be) and in other ways because despite that I allowed behavior I should not have and its crystal clear to me now in a way it was not before.

 

I now believe that emotionally vulnerable women (of which I was one) give off a sign or aura or something and that predatory men pick up on that. You will change that as you grow stronger and noone will ever treat you this way again because you wont let them. Its all a matter of time.

 

Big hugs

Edited June 1, 2010 by jj33

[fooled once]

Hes a man who is lost. Sick manipulative liar may be part of it.

 

There is a lesson here. A lesson for many of us.

 

If someone isnt behaving properly there is no reason to make excuses. Everyone has bad days, but if someone is inconsistent in how they treat you and in this way I mean treats you with disregard, then you GET OUT.

 

It doesnt matter why it doesnt matter what they went through or are going through, if they cant consistently treat you with the respect that you deserve, then you walk away.

 

Someone once told me, it doesnt matter if a man is dead, gay, married living temporarily on Mars or emotionally unavailable, if he is unavailable he is unavailable and that is all that matters.

 

Its the same principle at work here. WHY someone treats us badly isnt the relevant question (it feels like it is but really it isnt). The real question is why did we stay. That is not to blame you, you can only see these things when you are ready.

 

But you know now. He is not the man you thought he was or could be.

 

And you have to be grateful every day that you are out of this and he cant hurt you anymore.

 

Yes I know at the moment you are saying but I wont share the good times, but you dont need to put up with this kind of pain to have love. You really dont.

 

When you are feeling stronger you need to write yourself a new script for what love is and how it feels. You will find a way (perhaps with a counselor) to reprogram your expectations of love so that when someone shows that you are not a priority you leave.

 

When I was young a friend said you date all sorts of men I would never date. They are more "exciting" than the men I date but I am not comfortable with that. I like to date men who are safe, who I know will put me first no matter what and if they dont I dont see them again. At the time l didnt understand what she meant and I thought I was dating men who put me first. But I wasnt. I was dating "complicated men" who may have loved me (in their way) but with whom there was no real future to be had. Yes some of them are now married, but not happily. And the relationships that I developed with them werent going to lead to marriage much as I thought that they might. I didnt have the right "script".

 

Its only since being with xMM that I learned the lesson. In some ways because what we had was more real (much as loads of people on the boards say an A cant be) and in other ways because despite that I allowed behavior I should not have and its crystal clear to me now in a way it was not before.

 

I now believe that emotionally vulnerable women (of which I was one) give off a sign or aura or something and that predatory men pick up on that. You will change that as you grow stronger and noone will ever treat you this way again because you wont let them. Its all a matter of time.

 

Big hugs

 

Great post JJ!!

[jj33]

Thanks Fooled. Its only from living the hard lessons... I didnt see it at the time (much as people told me off) that he was testing me. He was charming 80% of the time but oh that 20%. That 20% could break your heart into a million pieces and make you wonder whether the sun would ever shine again. I know noones perfect but there is a difference betwween having a bad day and a total lack of respect, of behavior that is meant to test you and see how much you will take.

 

Its insidious because if your boundaries arent strong (and mine werent) then you wonder is this for real instead of saying thats not for me Im out. The few times it happened I would walk away but he would always pull me back in again in a matter of days or at worst weeks. He even said to me once that if the roles were reversed, he would not have forgiven me.

 

As you say Fooled I taught him how to treat me. I loved him unequivocably and unconditionally as I have only ever loved my family. I taught him that I could come second and that I would cry buckets and withdraw and talk tough (never contact me again etc) but that ultimately I would forgive him if he was persistent enough.

 

And these were things that were designed to hurt. I didnt see it at the time but they were. There is no other explanation in retrospect. And time and again I wrote it off as him not being able to cope with the fact that he was in love with me. Nearer to the end of the relationship that was true but then he wasnt mean. He was out of his mind thinking that he was about to fall over the edge of the earth giving up the only life he had ever known, so I put him out of his misery and I left but in my heart I didnt really leave until recently.

 

Still I dont doubt that he loved me and still might. But it doesnt matter. He was constitutionally unable to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And now I am done. I have deleted his recent emails without reading them (except for briefly scanning them to ensure there was nothing important for business and of course there wasnt they were simply a ploy to get my attention and to get me to engage with him).

 

Hurt the thing is that I no longer read into it. Its taken me a LONG LONG time and I hope it doesnt take you as long. But its not flattering. Its cr*p. It used to draw me in and while I never said anything I bet he could tell. Now I see it as intrusive. Its over. He needs to move along.

 

And Hurt everyone deals with it differently. Some people feel better thinking that the WS never loved them. I used to feel better thinking he did, but now I am not sure I even care. I assume he did because I will never know for sure and I may as well think the best.

 

But it doesnt matter. If someone doesnt appreciate you or takes you for granted, they dont deserve one nanosecond of your attention regardless of whether they love you. Love is not enough when the package deal is love and bad treatment. And bad treatment doesnt have to mean physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be equally devastating; it just doesnt leave the visible marks.

 

Keep strong

[fooled once]

Thanks Fooled. Its only from living the hard lessons... I didnt see it at the time (much as people told me off) that he was testing me. He was charming 80% of the time but oh that 20%. That 20% could break your heart into a million pieces and make you wonder whether the sun would ever shine again. I know noones perfect but there is a difference betwween having a bad day and a total lack of respect, of behavior that is meant to test you and see how much you will take.

 

Its insidious because if your boundaries arent strong (and mine werent) then you wonder is this for real instead of saying thats not for me Im out. The few times it happened I would walk away but he would always pull me back in again in a matter of days or at worst weeks. He even said to me once that if the roles were reversed, he would not have forgiven me.

 

As you say Fooled I taught him how to treat me. I loved him unequivocably and unconditionally as I have only ever loved my family. I taught him that I could come second and that I would cry buckets and withdraw and talk tough (never contact me again etc) but that ultimately I would forgive him if he was persistent enough.

 

And these were things that were designed to hurt. I didnt see it at the time but they were. There is no other explanation in retrospect. And time and again I wrote it off as him not being able to cope with the fact that he was in love with me. Nearer to the end of the relationship that was true but then he wasnt mean. He was out of his mind thinking that he was about to fall over the edge of the earth giving up the only life he had ever known, so I put him out of his misery and I left but in my heart I didnt really leave until recently.

 

Still I dont doubt that he loved me and still might. But it doesnt matter. He was constitutionally unable to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. And now I am done. I have deleted his recent emails without reading them (except for briefly scanning them to ensure there was nothing important for business and of course there wasnt they were simply a ploy to get my attention and to get me to engage with him).

 

Hurt the thing is that I no longer read into it. Its taken me a LONG LONG time and I hope it doesnt take you as long. But its not flattering. Its cr*p. It used to draw me in and while I never said anything I bet he could tell. Now I see it as intrusive. Its over. He needs to move along.

 

And Hurt everyone deals with it differently. Some people feel better thinking that the WS never loved them. I used to feel better thinking he did, but now I am not sure I even care. I assume he did because I will never know for sure and I may as well think the best.

 

But it doesnt matter. If someone doesnt appreciate you or takes you for granted, they dont deserve one nanosecond of your attention regardless of whether they love you. Love is not enough when the package deal is love and bad treatment. And bad treatment doesnt have to mean physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be equally devastating; it just doesnt leave the visible marks.

 

Keep strong

 

jj ((hug)) another great post. Regarding the bolded first part, it is wonderful to read that -- and I really really feel you are done now. I know it has been a long, hard road for you, but you are there. I am thrilled for you.

 

 

Regarding the 2nd bolded - perfect! That is it exactly!!

[HurtinginTexas]

Ive been getting a little stronger. Been going to therapy. I realize he was not honorable in his intentions, I still also feel I ran him off with nagging who knows. Its so hard to let go. It kills me thinking he doesnt miss me, or that he could go forever without wanting to see or talk to me again. I guess he was using me. Its had to believe and accept with him having me around 24/7 for about a year. Its hard with all the memories of all we did in almost 4 years. I keep fighting the urge to conatct. I feel used and unloved and angry. I feel I need to just get my feelings out but they wouldnt matter would they? Why doesnt he even take an interest in poking at me to see anything about me?

[califnan]

In your silence He (God) speaks for you. He probably knows what he has done, and is hiding right now.. Hopefully, by the time he checks in with you, you definitely will not want him..

 

I think in most cases, the MM use the OW.