Exposing the Affair

[lilagirl]

I am just curious as to why it is automatically suggested over and over again to expose the affair... to everyone... to the boss? Is this simply to embarass the WS?

 

Does it assist the BS with gaining back some pride lost during the A?

 

What is the point of the work exposure? What if you had children and there was a risk of job loss, would you still suggest this? This is often suggested even if it isn`t a work related A... Why?

 

To the BS` who exposed, did you feel a sense of gratification? Did it assist you with the healing process? What if you chose to work on the M do you care that everyone knows your business now - and you are always THAT couple?

 

Just looking for thoughts and insights.

[jnj express]

Affairs esixt in darkness----exposing them brings them into the light of day---and more often than not---goes a long way toward killing the A.

 

Betrayed--gets help from other betrayed----if threat to expose to workplace---the wandering spouse might think hard about continuing the A.

 

Betrayed, if they do not immediately walk away---need whatever means possible to stop the A. "outing the Affair" is an excellent method, among others.

[Susmay]

I am just curious as to why it is automatically suggested over and over again to expose the affair... to everyone... to the boss? Is this simply to embarass the WS?

 

Does it assist the BS with gaining back some pride lost during the A?

 

What is the point of the work exposure? What if you had children and there was a risk of job loss, would you still suggest this? This is often suggested even if it isn`t a work related A... Why?

 

To the BS` who exposed, did you feel a sense of gratification? Did it assist you with the healing process? What if you chose to work on the M do you care that everyone knows your business now - and you are always THAT couple?

 

Just looking for thoughts and insights.

 

I'm a BW who has no regrets about the exposure of the A.

 

My H's A was a workplace A conducted in extreme secrecy. To me "exposure" meant undermining one of the foundations of the affair (just as having the A undermined our marriage), and also the unwritten affair contract being do not dob. The exposure worked in assisting in ending the A.

 

It was nothing to do with pride. I felt I had lost everything in the A; all my self-respect and pride. I felt so totally humiliated that exposure could not possibly add to the pain or shame I was feeling. At the same time I knew the real shame was his.

 

I had no qualms about exposing the OW to her family and while I didn't expose her at her work it was only because I didn't believe it would achieve anything. To be honest if I'd thought it might contribute to her losing her job or the respect of her colleagues then I probably would have exposed her there as well. My H no longer worked with her and had left the job to go to another during their affair.

 

It assisted with the healing process to the extent that exposure assisted with ending the A. I really don't care all that much that people know our business - I have done nothing wrong myself. My H cares immensely though and feels totally shamed that people know. My view is that it is what he signed up for in having the A.

 

We are reconciling, basically rebuilding our marriage from scratch as neither of us wants the old one back and exposure has enabled us to start with a clean slate. After d-day I confessed some minor indiscretions of my own to my H. I was surprised how liberating this was as at least one of them had tormented me over the years as I wondered what my H would think of it and whether he would mind. He also confessed other indiscretions of his own (unrelated to the affair). He too said it was liberating.

 

I realized in telling him these things he might feel like getting revenge on me with a "tit-for-tat" exposure of me. I decided the risk was worth it due to the increased sharing and intimacy it has generated. I have never cheated on my H so it wasn't that, although I had been tempted.

 

I'm not sure if I've answered your questions. I would really like to start a thread asking both BW and OW whether they have ever experienced a d-day that was initiated by the OW exposing to the BW. If so what happened and how did it pan out?

[Chrome Barracuda]

i told...because it was the truth. it was a pre-emptive strike before she can spin the story in her favor and make herself out to be a victim.

 

People asked..I didnt lie. simple.

[turnstone]

Affairs esixt in darkness----exposing them brings them into the light of day---and more often than not---goes a long way toward killing the A.

 

Precisely this.

 

I wanted the As (there were many, some concurrent, some with women who knew he was married, some with women who thought he was single) to stop for the main reason of lessening the risk he was exposing everyone's health to.

 

Since leaving him and getting my divorce, I have realised that although I wanted no part of him (and still don't), maybe by exposing the affairs I wanted him to finally understand what he was doing and get help. Maybe I still do want that for him. I did love him once, after all.

[Woggle]

I am glad it was exposed because people no longer see her as the victim and me as the bad guy. People finally see her true colors.

 

Cheaters usually go out of their way to make their spouse look as bad as possible. They will smear the BS any way they can in order to make themselves out to be the victim and if you let them get away with it they can turn people against you. Exposing them is just defending yourself.

[DadofTwoGirls]

My wife has been in denial with my two daughters even going as far as saying negative things about me to them which I can't understand (but know why)..but I just say believe what you see, believe what you saw when we were living together..as they currently live with her..my 12 yr old told me.."dad, I think mom has a boyfriend"..that's good enough for me.

[Butchannon]

I exposed GF's affairs to her friends but they spoke out and the whole village now knows about that and GF's parents are very mad at me. But I think in this way I have protected myself from her lies.

[LadyDi]

I understand the reasoning behind exposure, but after you do how does the WS feel toward you? (Those that don't automatically divorce) I've always been curious about that. Don't they resent you terribly, to the point that even if YOU wanted to work things out, they couldn't get past the fact that you've exposed them to family/friends and work? I get that the BS feels betrayed beyond words, but with exposure, now you both are in a uproar.

 

D-Days are horrible enough without everyone else involved in it too. Just my opinion

[Spark1111]

I told trusted friends and family. I was devastated to find out about his secret life, secret affair.

 

I needed a support system because I truly believed he was getting ready to leave me for his OW, and I was outraged at his deception, not his feelings for another.

 

Afterwards I read that what I did naturally, is what one is suppose to do.

 

It forces a decision, or dialog, or an action on the part of the WS to honestly and in the light of day do the right thing for all parties involved.

 

Afterwards, there was some resentment on his part that people had been told, but I found that almost imcomprehensible and reminded him that at that moment in time, why would I still care about protecting him from the consequences of his actions?

 

As for the those who know and love us, they applaud what we have overcome together.

 

And those that don't, or perceive us as "that couple," who cares?

[OWoman]

What is the point of the work exposure? What if you had children and there was a risk of job loss, would you still suggest this? This is often suggested even if it isn`t a work related A...

 

This would only work in some cases, IMO. The sector I work in has clear divisions between work and private life, and frankly your employer is not interested in your private life, only in your work life. At one stage they introduced a new policy where if you had a R (of any kind - not just a romantic R) with someone else in the organisation, you had to bring it to the attention of your lowest common line manager so that it was on record. I remember some time later having a chat to our head of section about this, and he was apoplectic about the issue. He was an immensely private man himself, and hated the thought of anyone knocking on his door to inform him that they'd just shagged the cleaning lady, or that the HOD down the passage had passed out at a houseparty over the weekend and they'd landed up getting it together... or that the reason they weren't prepared to sit on the HR committee was because Ann from HR had made a pass at their W at last year's end of year party... He said he would really rather not know, that it was called a "private" life for a reason, and that everyone knew that our sector was well known for lusty, licentious living seldom involving one's own spouse - but that unless it violated any organisational policy, any national law or threatened international security, he really wasn't interested. (Shortly after, the policy was quietly abandoned.)

 

When a fMM's BW went to confront him in the workplace about our suspected (long over) A, he was told by the Head of Section in no uncertain terms to control his W and keep his private life out of the workplace, or risk losing his job (he was deputy-Head). She refused to listen so they were both summarily dismissed, which led to the withdrawal of their work permits and their deportation - hugely disruptive to their family life as their kids were months away from important exams and had to switch to a completely different educational system in a new country, etc.

 

How it could have been seen as a productive intervention I really don't understand. They both lost their jobs - and their lifestyle, their kids lost their friends, their hobbies, their pets; they had to move in with his mother in the country they got deported to (she hated his W) while they looked for work, the kids' futures were upended (the older one was months away from HS finals, and had been accepted into university to study music. In their new country, they had to be resident for 5 years before they qualified for local fees, and foreign fees were exhorbitant, so they had to go and work after finishing school. Neither went back to study at university.) The only impact it had was on their family - if she'd intended it to to make some kind of "statement" it didn't - and left her in a dependent, insecure position beholden to her H and her H's family, with her kids really unhappy. But perhaps she still thinks she did the right thing, IDK.

[bentnotbroken]

I am just curious as to why it is automatically suggested over and over again to expose the affair... to everyone... to the boss? Is this simply to embarass the WS?

 

Does it assist the BS with gaining back some pride lost during the A?

 

What is the point of the work exposure? What if you had children and there was a risk of job loss, would you still suggest this? This is often suggested even if it isn`t a work related A... Why?

 

To the BS` who exposed, did you feel a sense of gratification? Did it assist you with the healing process? What if you chose to work on the M do you care that everyone knows your business now - and you are always THAT couple?

 

Just looking for thoughts and insights.

 

 

If the cheating spouse didn't care, why should a BS? Just asking? I didn't do anything wrong, so I had no problem exposing. I still didn't tell everyone I wanted to, OW has children that I had no desire to add to their pain. Had I done all I felt like doing at the time, they would have been the ones hurt the most. Kids are off limits. But I guess if she or Mr. Messy cared about their children, their reputations or their jobs, they wouldn't have been screwing. Plus affairs thrive in secrecy, why help the cheaters?

[bentnotbroken]

I understand the reasoning behind exposure, but after you do how does the WS feel toward you? (Those that don't automatically divorce) I've always been curious about that. Don't they resent you terribly, to the point that even if YOU wanted to work things out, they couldn't get past the fact that you've exposed them to family/friends and work? I get that the BS feels betrayed beyond words, but with exposure, now you both are in a uproar.

 

D-Days are horrible enough without everyone else involved in it too. Just my opinion

 

 

I get that, kinda like I couldn't get past having been exposed to every sexual partner he had outside of marriage....I didn't give a damn.

[Woggle]

I understand the reasoning behind exposure, but after you do how does the WS feel toward you? (Those that don't automatically divorce) I've always been curious about that. Don't they resent you terribly, to the point that even if YOU wanted to work things out, they couldn't get past the fact that you've exposed them to family/friends and work? I get that the BS feels betrayed beyond words, but with exposure, now you both are in a uproar.

 

D-Days are horrible enough without everyone else involved in it too. Just my opinion

 

If a WS acts like the victim why would the BS want them anyway?

[ADF]

I understand what you are saying, but I am not sure it matters. When someone decides to have an affair, they pretty forfeit any right to privacy. If you don't want embarrassing details about your personal life exposed to the world by an angry spouse, don't have an affair. If you choose to betray your spouses trust, you're taking a risk he or she will retaliate by exposing you. Very simple.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Personally I didn't care how he felt at that point when I exposed the A! Its very obvious they didn't care how you would feel or react when they were straying behind your back ..correct??? The fact that he could do that to me and our family was beyond words...and having no repercussions wouldn't make matters any better. They have to realize the severity their actions had ...and see how its effected everyone. When speaking to his boss...who is like family to the both of us mind you...he knew something was going on with my H as it was affecting his work and attitude! H is close with his boss...and had been apparently bad mouthing me to him for a few months now..and his boss did find that strange and odd. It was H's deluded way of justifying his A! And I'm glad I made his boss aware of it all...and see that I'm no psycho bitch trying to control him.

I have not made a decision whether to stay with him or not at this point..as its still pretty fresh..but exposing the affair has made it a reality to my H and this OW as well.

[OWoman]

If the cheating spouse didn't care, why should a BS?

 

Because of negative consequences for the BS and the kids?

[Spark1111]

I understand the reasoning behind exposure, but after you do how does the WS feel toward you? (Those that don't automatically divorce) I've always been curious about that. Don't they resent you terribly, to the point that even if YOU wanted to work things out, they couldn't get past the fact that you've exposed them to family/friends and work? I get that the BS feels betrayed beyond words, but with exposure, now you both are in a uproar.

 

D-Days are horrible enough without everyone else involved in it too. Just my opinion

 

At DDAy i could have cared less of his resentment in the telling....

 

Why would I care one whit of his embarrassment when he cared nothing, apparently, at the betrayal and deception he fostered upon me and his family and his friends and his children?

 

I would not expose at the workplace for this reason alone: I would never do anything to hurt a child, both our children and her child. They were co-workers.

 

He eventually spoke to senior execs, without naming names, because something in the workplace came back to potentially bite both of them in the behind.

 

I admired his courage in doing so.

 

But if you think the workplace isn't already gossiping about that "vibe" between two co-workers, you are sadly mistaken.

 

No matter how well the APs think they are being discreet, everyone recognizes "that vibe" between two people in the workplace.

 

They just choose to gossip about it, or ignore it, until the cannot.

[bentnotbroken]

Because of negative consequences for the BS and the kids?

The negative consequences came with my exposure to all the people they both slept with without using protection. The consequences came for my children when they found out and were faced with telling me and my possible exposure to STD's. We had already talked with them both about unprotected sex and the repercussions, so they were well aware of the possibilities. They saw the the gas lighting at it's best....so the everything you speak of was already in place for me.

 

Just as your situation didn't fit the typical mode of an affair, I am sure it is the same way for others here.

[OWoman]

so the everything you speak of was already in place for me.

 

Sure - you checked out the situation and made an informed choice of what was best for you and your kids at the time. My caution is for those who don't - who act in the heat of the moment, wanting to lash out (understandably - I'm not dissing it) but then find later that it's backfired on them in some way, leaving them (and, possibly, the kids) worse instead of better off.

 

Much as I enjoy instant gratification, I'm a big believer in informed choice - always consider all the consequences before you act - when it might change your life (and your kids' lives) forever.

[bentnotbroken]

Sure - you checked out the situation and made an informed choice of what was best for you and your kids at the time. My caution is for those who don't - who act in the heat of the moment, wanting to lash out (understandably - I'm not dissing it) but then find later that it's backfired on them in some way, leaving them (and, possibly, the kids) worse instead of better off.

 

Much as I enjoy instant gratification, I'm a big believer in informed choice - always consider all the consequences before you act - when it might change your life (and your kids' lives) forever.

 

 

Then we are in agreement. I wanted the situation to work out to my advantage(and my children). I didn't just consider us though, I spoke with her BS and I wanted to go along with what he believed was best for his family as well. Thankfully, we agreed on the course of action and I don't regret the direction that we went. Being an informed BS afforded me a view of the bigger picture. I allowed me to get a pretty good idea about where my future.

[Owl]

I exposed my wife's affair.

 

The reasons were pretty simple for me at the time. I wanted her to stop and THINK for a few minutes about what she was doing, what she was risking, and to clearly give thought to what she was about to do.

 

I knew she wouldn't listen to me...I had a 'vested interest' in the outcome of her choices.

 

But I knew that she'd listen to her sister. I knew that she'd listen to her friends.

 

So I went to them, explained the situation, explained my very real fears for her (about to go meet up with and potentially live with a man she'd never met face-to-face before), and asked them to talk to her. To offer her a place to stay with THEM rather than haring off to go live with him, if she felt she couldn't stay here with me after the affair came out.

 

And guess what...it worked. It finally got her to start to think for a change, rather than just feel and react.

 

End result, we're happily recovered.

 

And there are no secrets being kept from anyone else. Her family knows about it, my family knows about it, and anyone who feels that we shouldn't have recognized can keep that feeling to themselves. We're good.

 

I didn't expose out of anger or a sense of revenge, but out of love, a desire to keep her from putting herself at risk, and a desire to give our marriage the chance it needed to reconcile. Not out of anger, but out of love.

[2sure]

There are many good , valid, and right reasons to expose an affair. Always.

The only variance is to whom, how, and why.

The BS is encouraged to expose an affair to end it, to share the consequences, to get reality on the table.

The WS is encouraged to expose the affair for the same reasons and especially if they want to save the marriage not just their ass.

The AP is encouraged to do so so because it is the decent thing to do...regardless of your initial intent and feelings.

 

Actually doing it is a lot harder than thinking about it. its easy to find just as many justifications for not doing it. But they are just that - justifications/excuses.

 

Dont ever expect to be thanked for the information. Its hard. But its right.

 

Exposure means that someone in the triangle has decided to stop secretly undermining someone elses life or to stop being undermined. To not expose means that reality itself is not being dealt with. Who are any of us to choose what someone else's reality IS??

 

That being said, I cant be righteous about it...because I'm not sure I could do it myself.

[Snowflower]

 

Much as I enjoy instant gratification, I'm a big believer in informed choice - always consider all the consequences before you act - when it might change your life (and your kids' lives) forever.

 

Good point...

 

While I can understand and empathize with why some BS out the affair to everyone they know, I think (like any serious decision) that you need to consider the consequences of this decision.

 

Each situation is different and while many affairs follow sort of the same script (secrecy, deceit, extreme self-absorption on the part of the WS), the fall-out after d-day is as individual as the spouses and AP involved in the triangle.

 

My situation was slightly different than most, I think. I didn't expose to everyone after d-day but I defended myself beforehand.

 

My H had begun telling many people-some friends and family members, co-workers, his boss-that he was divorcing me. I was not even aware of his decision at that time. He was telling everyone else about the divorce before he told me!

 

When I found out, I began speaking up for myself--to friends and family at least--that the divorce was HIS choice. I had wanted to fight for the marriage (this was pre-d-day) and his vague 'things are not working out between Snowflower and me' was not cutting it for me. I made sure that these friends/family knew that it was his choice to bail.

 

I didn't need to expose to too many people after d-day...he admitted to his family what he had done and I told a few trusted friends and family members...for support, not for retaliation.

 

So many people do know--but as time has gone by since d-day, some of these people are no longer a part of our lives--my husband is no longer with the same company (where he worked with the OW), others have moved away and we've lost contact with them, etc.

 

As for those who consider us 'that couple'-who cares, and there are probably a few. If our crisis is all that they have to gossip about, I pity them.

[Star727]

I confronted my WH in July 2008 about his affair with a fellow coworker and demanded immediate NC FOREVER!!!! It wasnt until October 2008 when I finally ran into OW (she had been avoiding me since D-Day). I warned her to leave my husband alone and she agreed but she was lying. Found out in January 2009 they never started NC, so I outed them to all our female coworkers.

 

You see, OW is one of those women who feels she's better than everyone else. She's divorced, has a nice house, drives a jag, goes on fancy vacations and like to brag about herself to us "lower level" employees all the time. She loves her impeccable reputation. Once I outed her, she no longer has the respect of the us female coworkers. Most of us are married, so the thought of her being involved with one of our husbands made the circle of friends swarm around me, leaving her out. Now she isnt welcomed to none of the women fellowships we have at work. She told my husband that I embarrassed her and I'm just hating on her. Well DUH?!?!?!?

 

She's angry at my husband because he didnt "keep me in check" about the discovery of their relationship. If she didnt know then, she knows now, she has messed with the wrong woman and interferred with the wrong woman's family.

 

She's a piriah around here now. She comes to work, does her job, goes to lunch alone, doesnt talk to anyone anymore, then goes home alone. I warned her to stay out of my relationship. She didnt listen so I had to tell everybody. I'm glad I did. WH is angry, but I've got more anger in me so he wouldnt dare "check me" on what I did. Hell, he's too busy kissing my ass so I won't divorce him.

 

If they had ended their relationship after D-Day #1, I would not have told anyone. I would have just worked this out with WH. But she just didnt listen to me. Her arrogance cost her a lot of friends and respect of coworkers. Too bad.