marilyn80 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It has been a long night. W knows now and was not surprised. She actually called me after MM broke the news. So she's ok with it. It leaves me feeling confused. My MM's W now knows and doesn't care. It makes me feel worse for some reason. Maybe it's because I know that she knows I'm willing to settle for 2nd best. I won't go into what she said but she is so predictable. She couldn't say much to me because she admitted to OMs and MMs. I think she was drunk - but I won't judge her (lesson learned). After I talked to her, I thought about MM. If I were really worth it to him, he'd move mountains to be with me. He wouldn't stay with her with whatever reason. Being an OW is not how I see my future. I am in love with him but I've been in love before and got through it. I still miss my xH sometimes and I wonder if I should have tried to make things work with him rather than leave immediately after Dday. . I've been reading the threads on NC and I think that's what I need along with IC. If I don't make a clean break now I will forever be in this confused and 2nd best position. MM just texted me and I can't even text him back. I keep thinking about the kind of marriage they must have. Even if he left her for me, knowing how he devalues her and me, I've been looking at him through rose colored glasses - foggy rose colored glasses. Wish me luck with NC. What keeps me going is the hope that one day I will find a man that loves only me, commits to only me, and makes no excuses for not being with only me. A lot of us OWs have this in common - even if your MM doesn't love his W, she gets to be the one he comes home to, watches TV with, eats dinner with, brushes his teeth next to, parks his car next to hers, sleeps in their bed (sometimes), etc. Some OWs accept that role - accept that you are not the only woman in his life. I used to think that he if he doesn't love her it would be ok, but it's not. He's still with her when he's not with me. That's not how any relationship should be. I just don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but if it means hurting like I do, I know I can't. If it means giving up my dream of being in a real relationship that doesn't involve someone else's husband, I can't do that. No matter how I feel about MM's wife, it's not really about her. It's about what I settle for. It's about my getting my integrity and self-respect back. Sorry if I haven't made any sense. I'm typing through tears, well... sobs.
califnan Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 So now that she's handing him to you on a platter ... you're thinking the merchandise may be inferior.. ha ha Just kidding - I know it's because you have said you do not wish to be second best.. And you are right.. Even with a divorce, and remarriage to you - he could be in confusion and comparing the two of you .. I have not kept up enough to know if you have posted here about your relationship with your exhusband.. But whether you do IC or not.. It is best that you don't do an either / or with the two men.. Take some more time and learn to he happy by yourself - so you will truly know which way to go .. or with hope of finding an unattached man.
pureinheart Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It has been a long night. W knows now and was not surprised. She actually called me after MM broke the news. So she's ok with it. It leaves me feeling confused. My MM's W now knows and doesn't care. It makes me feel worse for some reason. Maybe it's because I know that she knows I'm willing to settle for 2nd best. I won't go into what she said but she is so predictable. She couldn't say much to me because she admitted to OMs and MMs. I think she was drunk - but I won't judge her (lesson learned). After I talked to her, I thought about MM. If I were really worth it to him, he'd move mountains to be with me. He wouldn't stay with her with whatever reason. Being an OW is not how I see my future. I am in love with him but I've been in love before and got through it. I still miss my xH sometimes and I wonder if I should have tried to make things work with him rather than leave immediately after Dday. . I've been reading the threads on NC and I think that's what I need along with IC. If I don't make a clean break now I will forever be in this confused and 2nd best position. MM just texted me and I can't even text him back. I keep thinking about the kind of marriage they must have. Even if he left her for me, knowing how he devalues her and me, I've been looking at him through rose colored glasses - foggy rose colored glasses. Wish me luck with NC. What keeps me going is the hope that one day I will find a man that loves only me, commits to only me, and makes no excuses for not being with only me. A lot of us OWs have this in common - even if your MM doesn't love his W, she gets to be the one he comes home to, watches TV with, eats dinner with, brushes his teeth next to, parks his car next to hers, sleeps in their bed (sometimes), etc. Some OWs accept that role - accept that you are not the only woman in his life. I used to think that he if he doesn't love her it would be ok, but it's not. He's still with her when he's not with me. That's not how any relationship should be. I just don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but if it means hurting like I do, I know I can't. If it means giving up my dream of being in a real relationship that doesn't involve someone else's husband, I can't do that. No matter how I feel about MM's wife, it's not really about her. It's about what I settle for. It's about my getting my integrity and self-respect back. Sorry if I haven't made any sense. I'm typing through tears, well... sobs. Hey M80, IMO it's your sitch, you know the players, so call it as you see it. When people are upset they say a lot they normally wouldn't. You have to go with what you can handle....be true to you, whatever that takes. Disregard what I asked in your other thread, you answered my questions in this one ....I'm real glad you came back and posted... Great big hugs gf (((( ))))
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Good to see you posting! Yes, there is a lot for you to think about, a lot of new information. Perhaps NC is your best choice. Whatever you choose, we will (I hope ) be here to support you. Take care.
Ronni_W Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 My MM's W now knows and doesn't care. It makes me feel worse for some reason. Maybe it's because I know that she knows I'm willing to settle for 2nd best. It also kind of drives home the fact that their marriage, exactly the way it is, is working for both of them, doesn't it? Whatever they do have going on for themselves, between themselves...well, it kind of just seems to be at least 'good enough' to keep them sharing the bigger part of their lives with each other. Sounds like a decision they each/both made, consciously or unconsciously. M80, I do wish you best of luck with NC...and that you will eventually find a man who loves and wants to spend ALL of his life with only you. That is not too big of a goal, and you do deserve to have your highest vision come true. Hugs.
Tommy's Girl Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Marilyn - I think one day you will look back on this situation and do a big Homer Simpson "Doh!" You do deserve better and you may not even really be in love with MM. He was there for emotional support and he filled that void in your life. The fact that his W is a revolving door for OMs adds to the story but like you said, it's not about her...or him... it's about you now and what you need to do get out of this misery...because that's what is sound like - chaos and misery. And I have strong feeling that if she did hand him to you on a platter, you'd get sick with indegestion very soon. He'd probably suggest you sleep around too. He seems to have no boundaries. For he and his W, that's what they want, but cleary you don't. If NC started today, good for you! Let me know when the "Doh" moment comes!!!!
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Obviously they are OK staying married and having someone on the side. Not much of a marriage, but it works for them. Maybe the benefits of staying together is easier than divorcing. Do NC, it'll help you heal. Detach and grieve.. If you choose to stay the OW, there are rules to go by, but it sounds like you want more than what he's offering you.
Author marilyn80 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I did start NC today. I feel kind of numb right now. I'm sad but relieved at the same time. MM texted me over 10 times last night. I finally called him this morning and told him that I don't see myself going down this road. I can't be with him knowing that he's ok with his W's As and she is ok with his. He told me that he thinks I'm just going through a phase and that he's the only man who will ever love me. He told me that his W is basically his roommate and he doesn't care who she freaks. My question to him was then why don't you get divorced? He just says it's not financially smart right now. Blah, blah, blah... it made me want to puke. This is the first mention of finances I've heard since I've known him. Even I have to laugh at that one. I'm scared for my health too. I asked him to get tested for STDs and he just laughed and said he and W are also careful. Yeah right. Like he knows how careful she is. I feel like I'm dealing with a 15 year old boy, not a man. The rose colored glasses are slowly fading to crystal clear. I feel ashamed and extremely stupid right now. I've even let myself wonder if he and W sit around talking about me and laughing at my insecurities. I am making myself take him off the pedastal he's been on all this time. I don't know how strong I am right now. I did ask him not to text or call me anymore. I need the link to the list of how to keep NC. I saw it yesterday and I can't find it now. I feel lower than a wart on a frog's butt right now.
bittersweet memories Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I did start NC today. I feel kind of numb right now. I'm sad but relieved at the same time. MM texted me over 10 times last night. I finally called him this morning and told him that I don't see myself going down this road. I can't be with him knowing that he's ok with his W's As and she is ok with his. He told me that he thinks I'm just going through a phase and that he's the only man who will ever love me. He told me that his W is basically his roommate and he doesn't care who she freaks. My question to him was then why don't you get divorced? He just says it's not financially smart right now. Blah, blah, blah... it made me want to puke. This is the first mention of finances I've heard since I've known him. Even I have to laugh at that one. I'm scared for my health too. I asked him to get tested for STDs and he just laughed and said he and W are also careful. Yeah right. Like he knows how careful she is. I feel like I'm dealing with a 15 year old boy, not a man. The rose colored glasses are slowly fading to crystal clear. I feel ashamed and extremely stupid right now. I've even let myself wonder if he and W sit around talking about me and laughing at my insecurities. I am making myself take him off the pedastal he's been on all this time. I don't know how strong I am right now. I did ask him not to text or call me anymore. I need the link to the list of how to keep NC. I saw it yesterday and I can't find it now. I feel lower than a wart on a frog's butt right now. I would not doubt like she his wife..he may have others like you. Also why not seperate..divorce later.
fooled once Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It has been a long night. W knows now and was not surprised. She actually called me after MM broke the news. So she's ok with it. It leaves me feeling confused. My MM's W now knows and doesn't care. It makes me feel worse for some reason. Maybe it's because I know that she knows I'm willing to settle for 2nd best. I won't go into what she said but she is so predictable. She couldn't say much to me because she admitted to OMs and MMs. I think she was drunk - but I won't judge her (lesson learned). After I talked to her, I thought about MM. If I were really worth it to him, he'd move mountains to be with me. He wouldn't stay with her with whatever reason. Being an OW is not how I see my future. I am in love with him but I've been in love before and got through it. I still miss my xH sometimes and I wonder if I should have tried to make things work with him rather than leave immediately after Dday. . I've been reading the threads on NC and I think that's what I need along with IC. If I don't make a clean break now I will forever be in this confused and 2nd best position. MM just texted me and I can't even text him back. I keep thinking about the kind of marriage they must have. Even if he left her for me, knowing how he devalues her and me, I've been looking at him through rose colored glasses - foggy rose colored glasses. Wish me luck with NC. What keeps me going is the hope that one day I will find a man that loves only me, commits to only me, and makes no excuses for not being with only me. A lot of us OWs have this in common - even if your MM doesn't love his W, she gets to be the one he comes home to, watches TV with, eats dinner with, brushes his teeth next to, parks his car next to hers, sleeps in their bed (sometimes), etc. Some OWs accept that role - accept that you are not the only woman in his life. I used to think that he if he doesn't love her it would be ok, but it's not. He's still with her when he's not with me. That's not how any relationship should be. I just don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but if it means hurting like I do, I know I can't. If it means giving up my dream of being in a real relationship that doesn't involve someone else's husband, I can't do that. No matter how I feel about MM's wife, it's not really about her. It's about what I settle for. It's about my getting my integrity and self-respect back. Sorry if I haven't made any sense. I'm typing through tears, well... sobs. What I bolded above - I 100% agree with. The man who loves you WOULD move mountains to be with you.... period. He doesn't love you the way YOU deserve to be loved and YOU don't deserve to be 2nd fiddle to him. I did start NC today. I feel kind of numb right now. I'm sad but relieved at the same time. MM texted me over 10 times last night. I finally called him this morning and told him that I don't see myself going down this road. I can't be with him knowing that he's ok with his W's As and she is ok with his. He told me that he thinks I'm just going through a phase and that he's the only man who will ever love me. He told me that his W is basically his roommate and he doesn't care who she freaks. My question to him was then why don't you get divorced? He just says it's not financially smart right now. Blah, blah, blah... it made me want to puke. This is the first mention of finances I've heard since I've known him. Even I have to laugh at that one. I'm scared for my health too. I asked him to get tested for STDs and he just laughed and said he and W are also careful. Yeah right. Like he knows how careful she is. I feel like I'm dealing with a 15 year old boy, not a man. The rose colored glasses are slowly fading to crystal clear. I feel ashamed and extremely stupid right now. I've even let myself wonder if he and W sit around talking about me and laughing at my insecurities. I am making myself take him off the pedastal he's been on all this time. I don't know how strong I am right now. I did ask him not to text or call me anymore. I need the link to the list of how to keep NC. I saw it yesterday and I can't find it now. I feel lower than a wart on a frog's butt right now. What a nasty thing for him to say - that no one will ever love you the way he does. Quite frankly, he obviously doesn't love you that much because if he did, he would move those mountains to be with JUST you. Additionally, if he truly respected you, he WOULD get an STD check. He wouldn't want to put your health at risk. Please continue NC. Please push for what you deserve - and that is to not share a man, to have your man for yourself, to not watch him go home to his WIFE daily, etc. You deserve to be #1, and don't you dare settle for less. If you had a daughter, would you want her to settle? Would you want her to be 2nd choice? Would you want her to be with a man who wasn't willing to move mountains? As for your exH --- don't rush back into that. Don't go there, because it is familiar and 'safe'. Be on your own, get some counseling and then when you are emotionally ready, find some SINGLE who makes your heart flutter, your insides flutter and who screams to the world he is in love with you, and shoves a few mountains out of the way to be with you. ((hug))
Author marilyn80 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Today was awful. Now MM and his W have turned on me! Since I cut off all contact with him she thinks that I am being "cruel." They both think that. I think she wants him busy so she can have her boys on the side. I told him to find another OW since he's the one that said he wanted it that way. MM said that I will be begging for him soon and he won't be available. I told him that he's never been available. I lied and told him he was just a fling. I totally lied and downplayed my feelings for him. It hurt to say it but his words hurt me. What do THEY want me for? I guess I was more of a sucker than I thought. This is definitely over. I'm hanging my head low but at least I'm not crawling back to that crazyazz situation.
bittersweet memories Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Today was awful. Now MM and his W have turned on me! Since I cut off all contact with him she thinks that I am being "cruel." They both think that. I think she wants him busy so she can have her boys on the side. I told him to find another OW since he's the one that said he wanted it that way. MM said that I will be begging for him soon and he won't be available. I told him that he's never been available. I lied and told him he was just a fling. I totally lied and downplayed my feelings for him. It hurt to say it but his words hurt me. What do THEY want me for? I guess I was more of a sucker than I thought. This is definitely over. I'm hanging my head low but at least I'm not crawling back to that crazyazz situation. Sucker no more!! You should be very proud of yourself. You will be looking back in a few months with such relieved..I promise.
Owl Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Sounds like you're better off getting out of that situation altogether! If he's turning on you, it makes you question what you really meant to him, deep down. No telling what's motivating her...but if you're out of the situation...who cares? Hang in there friend.
bittersweet memories Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Sounds like you're better off getting out of that situation altogether! If he's turning on you, it makes you question what you really meant to him, deep down. No telling what's motivating her...but if you're out of the situation...who cares? Hang in there friend. Wow Owl! 2004 member...You are an oldie but goodie!
SavannahSmiles Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Today was awful. Now MM and his W have turned on me! Since I cut off all contact with him she thinks that I am being "cruel." They both think that. I think she wants him busy so she can have her boys on the side. I told him to find another OW since he's the one that said he wanted it that way. MM said that I will be begging for him soon and he won't be available. I told him that he's never been available. I lied and told him he was just a fling. I totally lied and downplayed my feelings for him. It hurt to say it but his words hurt me. What do THEY want me for? I guess I was more of a sucker than I thought. This is definitely over. I'm hanging my head low but at least I'm not crawling back to that crazyazz situation. I'm curious too. Why did he act like you mean so much to him and then all of the sudden his wife is on it too? Do you think she knew all along? Like it's a game to them? If that's the case, you should be able to move along and realize you just dodged a huge bullet. Good Golly!!! the truth is stranger than fiction. He sounds like a royal azz. You will be "begging" to get him back? LOL!!! Please for the sake of all sane womankind NEVER beg this man for anything. Never talk to him or his W again.
Author marilyn80 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 I'm curious too. Why did he act like you mean so much to him and then all of the sudden his wife is on it too? Do you think she knew all along? Like it's a game to them? If that's the case, you should be able to move along and realize you just dodged a huge bullet. Good Golly!!! the truth is stranger than fiction. He sounds like a royal azz. You will be "begging" to get him back? LOL!!! Please for the sake of all sane womankind NEVER beg this man for anything. Never talk to him or his W again. I don't think she knew all along but hey, what do I know anymore? I have zero trust in either one of them. I've gone through extremes though. I changed my home and cell number and e-mail. I had to. MM sent me a pic of he and his W doing you know what. It doesn't help that she has a perfect body. She looks like a Victoria's Secret model. I'm not joking. I've only seen her with clothes on before that pic. This was TMI. Then he wrote, "you should join us." I feel like I've entered the twilight zone. If they are crazy enough to show up at my house I will call the police. I thought I knew MM but I was sooooo wrong. I cry all the time. I hope that I can get through this in one piece. I envy people that have normal break-ups, people whose MM just wants to stay M for the right reasons, people whose MM's W doesn't want to screw them too, people who don't feel like a sucker or the punchline of a joke. If I weren't so heartbroken and emotionally distraught I could laugh at this because it's just so bizarre. My xH called yesterday because he was worried about me. I guess MM or his W told him. I told him I need time to sort through this. The last thing I need is get emotionally involved with my x. I'm not going to repeat what I did before. If I could push a button and just disappear and land on a tropical island right now, i would.
jennie-jennie Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) MM sent me a pic of he and his W doing you know what. What! Disgusting! (((((Marilyn))))) Edited June 4, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Owl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Glad to see you taking active measures to remove this jerk and his wife from your life. Most people take a while to get to the point where they make changes like this...you are doing awesome, and are ahead of the curve! And frankly...if it keeps up, consider getting a restraining order against the both of them.
SavannahSmiles Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 What! Disgusting! (((((Marilyn))))) OMG. At least it wasn't a video. Just kidding! Marilyn, I hope you're doing better today. The tears will subside soon and the sun will shine again in your life. Be strong and post here when you need to. I believe what goes around comes around. What we do to others will come back and bite us in the butt. Your MM and his W will have their day. I bet they're miserable anyway. They are trying to drag you down with them. Rise above, my friend. Rise above...
Owl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Ya know...I try to be the guy who takes the high road most of the time, but have to admit I have a certain sense of....revenge....somedays. Have you considered posting their gift to you on the internet? I mean, if they decided to share it with you, it clearly wasn't just meant for your personal enjoyment, right? Kind of a "no strings attached" gift is what I'd take it as....LOL! Just a thought.
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 Ya know...I try to be the guy who takes the high road most of the time, but have to admit I have a certain sense of....revenge....somedays. Have you considered posting their gift to you on the internet? I mean, if they decided to share it with you, it clearly wasn't just meant for your personal enjoyment, right? Kind of a "no strings attached" gift is what I'd take it as....LOL! Just a thought. I dare you to. Serves them right for sending something that should be private. Hell if they are making it a public display why not fuel it with the internet. Ha Ha. I love this idea Owl!
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 There is a cheaters website now where you can upload pics of people who cheat;) Might be a good option here.
Author marilyn80 Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 I dare you to. Serves them right for sending something that should be private. Hell if they are making it a public display why not fuel it with the internet. Ha Ha. I love this idea Owl! The problem is I actually think they would enjoy that. She craves attention and that would be a great way to "advertise." She already has an ad on craigslist. I know I got in trouble for calling her a slut but it would be hard for anyone to argue that point if you knew what she does. I'm not a judgemental person normally, but she has no limits, no boundaries, and doesn't care to take an STD test. Of course the stupid guys that sleep with her should know better.
Tommy's Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 The problem is I actually think they would enjoy that. She craves attention and that would be a great way to "advertise." She already has an ad on craigslist. I know I got in trouble for calling her a slut but it would be hard for anyone to argue that point if you knew what she does. I'm not a judgemental person normally, but she has no limits, no boundaries, and doesn't care to take an STD test. Of course the stupid guys that sleep with her should know better. An ad on Craigslist? What does it say? Are you sure she's not an escort or call girl for hire? It's amazing that MM said he wanted to work on his marriage... While she's out workin on what or who?
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