TornedInside Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I had been dating 10 months, because of something I read in her e-mail. We met online and had a long distance relationship, with the exception of the last 2 months ago, when I moved to the same city she does. Through this time, we had some issues, because she had posted in the past suspicious messages to married men on Facebook and Messenger. Also, because I snooped on her e-mail and found out she was still contacting ex-boyfriends including a married man. Finally, I learned she cheated on many of them. She got upset with me for snooping, but agreed she had a problem, and started therapy. It was working fine until one afternoon she called me and said she needed to check some information of her e-mail, but she had no access to a computer because she was downtown. She gave me the password to her account and gave me permission to look for the information. I gave it to her, but I also read other e-mails. I admit it was wrong, but it allowed me to find out something that was happening behind my back. I found an e-mail from a guy who gave her compliments: sexy, pretty, beautiful. Instead of ignoring him or telling him to stop, she repplied him asking why he had not answered her messages in Yahoo chat, not even to thank her for the chocolates she sent to him. It infuriated me what I read and called her to ask who was this man, why he was flirting with her, why she was chatting with him and why she sent him some chocolates. She told me it was a co-worker, and she sent him chocolates to thank him for delivering a gift she bought for a female co-worker who just had a baby and lives near his house. She added that she wrote to him though Yahoo chat to see if he had delivered the gift. Then, I asked her why she allowed him to tell her compliments, since it seemed inappropriate. She told me that he was that way, but he hated him because of it. My next question was that if she hated him why did she request request him to deliver that gift to her friend. She replied that she originally had asked another male co-worker, but he had given it to his friend (the guy in question) because he lives closer to the new mom. To which I replied: 1. He flirts with you 2. You do not bother, do not ignore or do not ask him to leave you alone 3. You do the opposite: you complain because he does not answer your chat messages 4. In addition, you send him chocolates and you complaint because he did no thank you 5. Finally, there is no mention about the gift that he supposed to deliver She said it was wrong, but that in no way she was cheating on me, or wanted something with him. And to prove it, she sent an e-mail to him telling him not to talk her that way, because I had read the e-mail and it caused her problems with me, and that if she wrote him and sent the chocolates was only to thank him for deliver the gift. However, I broke up our relationship, because she waited until I knew what I was going to put this guy a halt. For me it was obvious that she also was flirting, but changed her mind when I found out about the situation.
ADF Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I am sorry this relationship didn't work out for you. However, I want to suggest you think about something. You clearly have no qualms whatsoever about spying on your SO, about invading her privacy, reading her private mail, etc. Like so many people these days, you have no respect for other people's privacy, nor really any sense of what privacy means or why it is so important. I doubt I can convince you that it is important, so I won't try. What I will say is that one day, you're going to pull this snooping stuff on someone who doesn't deserve it. You're going to get caught, and she will be so disgusted by your behavior she will dump you for it. And you'll have destroyed a relationship you cared about through your disrespectful behavior. And frankly, if you for whatever reason try this stuff with a man, he may beat the snot of you for it.
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) It appears you did the right things, even though I suspect it hurt a good deal. Your kind and loving to her and even tried harder then you needed to make it work, but she does not have to courage to do the hard work needed to become a person of quality. You letting go is a important confirmation of your own worth, at time that mean doing difficult things that are good for you. This is one of those cases. Hang in there, understand her behavior is about her not you. Though you may want to do some work yourself on communication and trust, it may help you in the next realtionship. Edited June 1, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author TornedInside Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I am sorry this relationship didn't work out for you. However, I want to suggest you think about something. You clearly have no qualms whatsoever about spying on your SO, about invading her privacy, reading her private mail, etc. Like so many people these days, you have no respect for other people's privacy, nor really any sense of what privacy means or why it is so important. I doubt I can convince you that it is important, so I won't try. What I will say is that one day, you're going to pull this snooping stuff on someone who doesn't deserve it. You're going to get caught, and she will be so disgusted by your behavior she will dump you for it. And you'll have destroyed a relationship you cared about through your disrespectful behavior. And frankly, if you for whatever reason try this stuff with a man, he may beat the snot of you for it. I do know it was wrong to invade her privacy. It is something I am not proud of. It was the first time I have ever done it. As an explanation (not as an excuse), I want to express that many things she did and said, which indicated she was lying, motivated me to do it. Just to name one: - In her messenger profile, who any of her contacts could see, she had some messages related to a couple of guys. When I asked her about them, because they were dated a few days before we met and she had told me she had not dated in over a year. She said they were only friends, and not to worry because they were married. Her answer instead of calming me, got me very concerned. These messages said: I miss you. How come you have not called me? My stubborn heart does not forget you. Throughout the relationship, many simmilar situations happened. I always felt she was lying and hidding something. It got me very suspicious and jealous. I broke up with her because of how sick I felt about the whole situation; including my disgusting behaviour to snoop on her.
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