yah Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 My bf of 8 months has no plans to get married for another 4-7 years (probably more likely 7 than 4). I'm 24, he's 26. He does not know if he sees being with me for the long term. He is happy being with me but doesn't know if perhaps there is someone better out there for him (altho he is not actively looking). He says he wants us to move in together by 2 years; I am not willing to move in prior to marriage. We are of different religions. His mother does not approve and still puts some pressure on him. He does not plan on introducing me to them anytime soon. Also said there hasn't been a situation/moment that made him think I'm the one for him. I asked him point blank today if he loves me. He said he didn't know. I don't believe in dating for years and years, 3-4 years is OK but talk of marriage/future should start way before that. 8-9 months seem like a suitable amount of time to tell if you love this person enough to entertain the idea of being together long term. I don't want to get married right away but I want to know that there IS a goal and when to start planning for it. WWYD, wait and re-evaluate at a later time (when?) or break it off because its not worth it? I should add that I graduate in 3.5 years and will not stay if things are not stable enough at that time.
Serenitynow Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 My bf of 8 months has no plans to get married for another 4-7 years Red flag dump him He does not know if he sees being with me for the long term Red flag dump him His mother does not approve and still puts some pressure on him Red flag dump him He says he wants us to move in together by 2 years I assume you are having sex right ? If you want to keep giving it up to him even though he has stated you have no long term future with him than go ahead.
Green Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I don't like talking about these things right off the bat but 5 to 6 months in I would if not sooner have a general conversation about mariage and kids... about a year in I wouldn't necesarily propose but I would talk seriously about a future and about 2 years into the relation get engaged... not a long engagement about a year or less... I'd like to be married for a year or more befor having kids but by the time the woman was 28 or 29 years old I think I'd want to start having kids with her...
SarahRose Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 My bf of 8 months has no plans to get married for another 4-7 years (probably more likely 7 than 4). I'm 24, he's 26. He does not know if he sees being with me for the long term. He is happy being with me but doesn't know if perhaps there is someone better out there for him (altho he is not actively looking). He says he wants us to move in together by 2 years; I am not willing to move in prior to marriage. We are of different religions. His mother does not approve and still puts some pressure on him. He does not plan on introducing me to them anytime soon. Also said there hasn't been a situation/moment that made him think I'm the one for him. I asked him point blank today if he loves me. He said he didn't know. I don't believe in dating for years and years, 3-4 years is OK but talk of marriage/future should start way before that. 8-9 months seem like a suitable amount of time to tell if you love this person enough to entertain the idea of being together long term. I don't want to get married right away but I want to know that there IS a goal and when to start planning for it. WWYD, wait and re-evaluate at a later time (when?) or break it off because its not worth it? I should add that I graduate in 3.5 years and will not stay if things are not stable enough at that time. I think he has told you everything you need to know to make a decision. You are the bus stop. He is just sitting there waiting for something better to come along. At least he told you instead of stringing you along for years.
jackson30 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You don't need to dump him right now but I would start looking for someone new and if the relationship got rocky at all I'd be gone.
Serenitynow Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 At least he told you instead of stringing you along for years. Yes, he did tell her but he doesnt want to cut the string ( see quote below) He says he wants us to move in together by 2 years What I get out of this is : hey, I like having you around for sex and social occasions to benefit me, but you have no role in my long term life down the road.
ADF Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It seems pretty clear that the chances this man will ever make a long-term cimmitment to you are slim to none. It is time for you to dump him and move on.
alaskafire08 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I'm sorry this happened to you; his saying, "I'm not sure" when asked if he loves you was hurtful! BUT, see that red flag? It's got your name on it! Stick to your guns and don't move in with him. He doesn't think enough of you to introduce you to his family? Oh, look! Another red flag with your name on it!! His mother doesn't like you??? That situation is worth 5 red flags (with your name on all of them!) DUMP HIM while you're still in the DUMPER seat! And above all, keep your goodies in the jar!
sb129 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 s. His mother does not approve and still puts some pressure on him. He does not plan on introducing me to them anytime soon. Also said there hasn't been a situation/moment that made him think I'm the one for him. I asked him point blank today if he loves me. He said he didn't know. All these are red flags. He is waiting for "the one" to come along- you are just the "ok for now" girlfriend.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You are the bus stop. He is just sitting there waiting for something better to come along. Yep. Don't waste your time. Given that he's let you know you're so low on his list of priorities, you could stay with him till YOU find someone better. But you're probably better off just moving on and not wasting your energy and love on someone who doesn't love you.
Serenitynow Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 She wont leave him. She'll stay with him and whine on this forum about how unhappy she is but wont leave. Ironically, if he was nice to her and respected her, she'd probably drop him like a bad habit.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 by now he should know if he loves you. by now he should know if he can see spending the rest of his life with you. by now you should have met his parents. by now you should have realized he is not the right guy for you...
MyNameIsJane Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It is natural for a guy that age to still not want to be married for 4,5,6,7 years (I think)... but by 8-9 months... if someone doesn't see a future with you - why waste your time? I don't think there is anything wrong with people dating for four years before getting engaged... but by 8 months... (especially at 26) if a guy told me he hasn't necessarily seen anything to make him think I might be the one... I'd be out of there.. DO NOT move in with him - IMHO, if he isn't even making statements that hint at wanting to possibly marry you down the road, and you move in with him... he will NEVER marry you - there is no point.
spinningwheels Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Seriously, buy the book "Be Your Own Matchmaker". It talks about exactly what you are going through. After 9 months you should be in or out, and definately have met family. I swear by this book, and I have never been in to self-help books.
SarahRose Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Yes, he did tell her but he doesnt want to cut the string ( see quote below) What I get out of this is : hey, I like having you around for sex and social occasions to benefit me, but you have no role in my long term life down the road. That is exactly what is going on. He surely isn't going to give up the steady sex and companionship until he has something else lined up. I do have to give him a tiny bit of credit for being so blunt about it. He could have done like many guys do and just avoid the topic and make excuses and pretend things are moving along towards commitment until they bail.
jthorne Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 by now he should know if he loves you. by now he should know if he can see spending the rest of his life with you. by now you should have met his parents. by now you should have realized he is not the right guy for you...I totally agree. OP, if you are ok with this being a casual relationship long term, then be happy. But I sense this is not what you want. If you are looking for something long term, you are wasting your time.
Sanman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 It's funny, I'm in a similar situation with my gf except she is the one not sure about things. The difference is that we have only been together 4 months. I think what all the posters have said is true. The bottom line is that you need to decide what is best for you. In my case, I chose of continue in the relationshp for a bit longer as I am having a lot of fun. However, I have come to the realization that this may be nothing more than a casual relationship to her and I need to view it as such. I made the decision that I will tell her by the 9-12 month mark that if she still feels the same way that we are in a casual relationship. I will continue seeing her if she would like (as I would like that as well), but I will also being seeing other people looking for a long-term relationship. If I find that person and we get to the point of an exclusive relationship, I am gone.
summerl0vesyou Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 please have some self respect and leave this man and find the one that will love you and be crazy about you and know you're the one. Seriously. hes out there. the more time you waste on this one, the less time youll have to spend with that better man. Hes still interested in finding a better one....you should be too
D-Lish Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 When I read your thread I came up with one word that seems to encompass the whole deal- PRESSURE. Marriage, parents, religion, expectations, love... It's a pressure laden story. Don't do anything you don't want to do- and don't expect him to do anything he doesn't want to do. If you don't want to move in before marriage- don't do it. After 8 months should a person know if he/she is ready for marriage? That seems very soon to me. People change- and people change their minds. How often do wedding vows stick down the road? 26 Is young to be thinking of marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if he's rebelling against the notion rather than the woman. Stick to your guns and don't move in if that's important to you. Don't bring up the idea of marriage and start doing your own thing more often than not.
Els Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Are you guys really suggesting that the 26-year-old man should be thinking about proposing to the 24-year-old girl and getting married in the near future? What happened to all that talk about people not knowing what they truly want out of life and a partner yet in their 20s?
Sanman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Elswyth, I'm also 26 and I don't want to get married for a few years either. However, he has told her that he is not sure about her as a long-term prospect, that he thinks there might be someone better out there for him, and that he is unsure if he loves her. Now she believes he is not actively looking (doesn't mean he isn't). As a guy after 8 months, I would be able to say I loved someone (if I did) and that I see a possible future, but I am not ready for marriage yet. What she mentioned he said indicates that he might possibly not be all that interested in her, but can't find anything better at the moment. I may be wrong, but that is the impression I get from what the OP's post.
DanielMadr Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 My personal view: Not moving in before marriage...wtf? How can I know a girl is any good...I want a test ride, especially with todays divorce rate. Marrying like that? Not a chance. If I will want to settle down and lose my freedom then it will be for kids. Or for someone extremely cool...giving demands and planning my life is not considered cool in my book. And cool person wants to have babies with me too ;-) No babies = no marriage. I'm not a charity. But again I want to be sure that my SO is not just pretending and isn't some psycho selfish b!tch but a good caring person to be good mother to our children. 8 months...can be enough, but I can read people very well. And generally I wouldn't mind giving all my money to alimony. I guess he does not want to risk it. Creepy.
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