This Hurts Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 that if I stick to NC and continue living my life, I will get over her?
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 that if I stick to NC and continue living my life, I will get over her? Only if living your life also includes the other 12 things on this list: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/
Author This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Thank you all for the reassurances. Only if living your life also includes the other 12 things on this list: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ Well, there's a few things on there I should start paying more attention to, but depression's in the way, and I don't think it's depression due to the breakup. I have other, personal issues that I need to work on, but that won't get in the way of me getting over HER, right? I mean, I understand I won't be able to have a healthy relationship in the future if I don't work on my self-esteem for example, but that won't get in the way of moving on from her, right?..
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Thank you all for the reassurances. Well, there's a few things on there I should start paying more attention to, but depression's in the way, and I don't think it's depression due to the breakup. I have other, personal issues that I need to work on, but that won't get in the way of me getting over HER, right? I mean, I understand I won't be able to have a healthy relationship in the future if I don't work on my self-esteem for example, but that won't get in the way of moving on from her, right?.. The more you focus on you, the less time you have on her. Working on your personal issue will help you get over her, the greater your accomplishment are in that work, the more she disappears. Having depression is the reason you should be doing those things, Your depression will benefit from doing almost all of them on the list, special exercising, eating well, forcing yourself to be social. Think about it more as not moving on from her but you finding yourself.
Author This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 The more you focus on you, the less time you have on her. Working on your personal issue will help you get over her, the greater your accomplishment are in that work, the more she disappears. Having depression is the reason you should be doing those things, Your depression will benefit from doing almost all of them on the list, special exercising, eating well, forcing yourself to be social. Think about it more as not moving on from her but you finding yourself. I see what you mean. I'm doing that, just not specifically what's on the list. Running is something I'm planning on picking back up this week. Being social isn't a problem right now—I'm hanging out with friends as much as possible and though the opportunity of meeting new people hasn't come up yet, I'm open to the idea—but my self-esteem is practically non-existent so that might affect that. Other than that, I AM focusing on myself. I spend more time worrying about what's wrong with me (NOT relating to her; meaning problems that might have stemmed from childhood, etc), than I do worrying about her or what she's doing. In fact, I'm not worrying about her or what she's doing at all, which is extremely surprising. I just feel the loneliness, hurt, and effects of what she did, if that makes any sense. I don't know. I'm a complicated person
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I see what you mean. I'm doing that, just not specifically what's on the list. Running is something I'm planning on picking back up this week. Being social isn't a problem right now—I'm hanging out with friends as much as possible and though the opportunity of meeting new people hasn't come up yet, I'm open to the idea—but my self-esteem is practically non-existent so that might affect that. Other than that, I AM focusing on myself. I spend more time worrying about what's wrong with me (NOT relating to her; meaning problems that might have stemmed from childhood, etc), than I do worrying about her or what she's doing. In fact, I'm not worrying about her or what she's doing at all, which is extremely surprising. I just feel the loneliness, hurt, and effects of what she did, if that makes any sense. I don't know. I'm a complicated person Running is a great plan. Exercise is one of the most effective treatment for depression. As far socializing, it not so much about new people just make sure your around the people who remind you of your worth, new people will come when you ready. It is important to understand childhood stuff specially if it effect current behavior, it is usually beneficial to do it with a professional. Though focusing on yourself is not navel gazing. it is about working on things that make you feel good about yourself, reaching goals, and grow as a person. You can do all that at the same time. These things will also help with the esteem. And much of healing from a break up is about perception, which is also true about depression. It is important to grieve but is also important to keep focusing on not what lost but the postive things still in your life.
Author This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Running is a great plan. Exercise is one of the most effective treatment for depression. As far socializing, it not so much about new people just make sure your around the people who remind you of your worth, new people will come when you ready. It is important to understand childhood stuff specially if it effect current behavior, it is usually beneficial to do it with a professional. Though focusing on yourself is not navel gazing. it is about working on things that make you feel good about yourself, reaching goals, and grow as a person. You can do all that at the same time. These things will also help with the esteem. And much of healing from a break up is about perception, which is also true about depression. It is important to grieve but is also important to keep focusing on not what lost but the postive things still in your life. Yeah, you just made me realize something. I have to actually start focusing on reaching goals and do things that make me feel good about myself. I was just focusing on trying to understand all my problems that I believe stemmed from the past, and I wasn't thinking about the future. As for the future, I guess I'll start by volunteering and learning a new language this summer. I always loved the idea of helping people, so I know that will make me feel good about myself and possibly even help me meet new people. I also love learning and I'm planning on moving to Europe in a few years, so learning a new language would help me feel accomplished as well as prepare me for a few years down the road. Sound good?! The grieving is also something I'm worried about, though. I don't feel I'm as upset as I should be, which sounds weird, but I'm sure you know what I mean. So I feel like something's wrong, but I don't know what it is.
Green Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Yes if you go TRUE NC with out a doubt with in 3 months MAX you will feel much better. True NC means not looking at pictures and not thinking or talking about the person. Even this thread isn't true NC IMO. YOU WILL GET OVER IT I PROMISE! if you go TRUE NC
missy197 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Yes if you go TRUE NC with out a doubt with in 3 months MAX you will feel much better. True NC means not looking at pictures and not thinking or talking about the person. Even this thread isn't true NC IMO. YOU WILL GET OVER IT I PROMISE! if you go TRUE NC How do you stop thinking about the person? I CANNOT stop thinking about the person, regardless of what I try to do to take my mind off her..
Heatemyheart89 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 yes you will with complete nc. Contact always puts me back to square one.
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Yeah, you just made me realize something. I have to actually start focusing on reaching goals and do things that make me feel good about myself. I was just focusing on trying to understand all my problems that I believe stemmed from the past, and I wasn't thinking about the future. As for the future, I guess I'll start by volunteering and learning a new language this summer. I always loved the idea of helping people, so I know that will make me feel good about myself and possibly even help me meet new people. I also love learning and I'm planning on moving to Europe in a few years, so learning a new language would help me feel accomplished as well as prepare me for a few years down the road. Sound good?! The grieving is also something I'm worried about, though. I don't feel I'm as upset as I should be, which sounds weird, but I'm sure you know what I mean. So I feel like something's wrong, but I don't know what it is. Congratulations, you are getting it. I suspect your a problem solver type of guy. Which means your the type that is constantly looking where there may be something wrong and finding ways to make things better. It is a great trait. But like any good trait using it all the time can make it a weakness. Just as a hammer is a great tool, using it to change spark plugs is not such a good idea. And when your really good at it you start looking for problems to fix that either does not need fixing or will take care of themselves. So with the grieving, just be honest with it and feel what you feel. There is not one way to do it, there is be good days and bad. but keep up the effort and the good starts winning out. You love learning, so by learning your loving yourself, by loving yourself your communicating to the world and to yourself, your worth. The same holds true by exercising, and eating well, being kind to other, being kind to yourself. It is so very simple, definitely not easy, but simple.
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 How do you stop thinking about the person? I CANNOT stop thinking about the person, regardless of what I try to do to take my mind off her.. It is still fresh for you but there are things you can do. First do not ignore it, face it: Get a pen and paper and start writing. Write hard and fast every day. Write everything and anything that comes to your mind, who you loved the person, what you dislike about them, the good of the relationship, the bad, what you feel, what you think, just write. When the person comes to mind, allow your self to feel, but then tell your self to move on. I going to feel bad for 5 minutes, then I going to do something. I going to have a good cry and then I going to do something. It not trying to ignore but acknowledge it, embrace and then letting it go. So as you think of her, define the emotion, this is me feeling lonely, this is me feeling rejection, this is anger, this is sadness. Then figure out how you can address the emotion: loneliness-call a friend, anger- beat up a pillow, sadness-go for a run. The person is just the symbol of all of the natural emotions your feeling but keeping the thought about the person keeps you from moving on to the solution to address the issue your feeling. Finally give yourself time, that too helps. It will get better.
Author This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 Congratulations, you are getting it. I suspect your a problem solver type of guy. Which means your the type that is constantly looking where there may be something wrong and finding ways to make things better. It is a great trait. But like any good trait using it all the time can make it a weakness. Just as a hammer is a great tool, using it to change spark plugs is not such a good idea. And when your really good at it you start looking for problems to fix that either does not need fixing or will take care of themselves. So with the grieving, just be honest with it and feel what you feel. There is not one way to do it, there is be good days and bad. but keep up the effort and the good starts winning out. I am exactly what you just described. It affects my life in both positive and negative ways, like you said. It makes me very cautious, but on the other hand, very paranoid. It also makes me over-analyze absolutely everything, and at this point, I hate that about myself. I have a hard time living freely. Thank you for noticing that about me, though. It's flattering You love learning, so by learning your loving yourself, by loving yourself your communicating to the world and to yourself, your worth. The same holds true by exercising, and eating well, being kind to other, being kind to yourself. It is so very simple, definitely not easy, but simple. Well, I love to learn academic and musical things, to be specific If I could get paid for going to school and getting good grades, I would do it for the rest of my life. I love knowledge. Learning to love myself, however, is something I'm not and never have been familiar with. I don't know how to do that, or where to start. I can be kind to others, that's something I've done my entire life, and it's a part of me. I enjoy treating others with respect and consideration. But myself... I don't know. That's something I don't understand about me. By the way, have you studied psychology? You seem to have a very good grip on all this.
Author This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) Even this thread isn't true NC IMO. I know what you mean. LS is here for support, but we can't spend all day on here talking about how badly we miss our exes, or even how badly we want to move on. Yes, it's good to express yourself on here. In fact, it's amazing. But we can't dwell. It's good to take some time off LS every once in a while and just enjoy the world as much as we can. LS is like our comfort cave, but it's not good to spend our whole breakup in a cave. Edited June 1, 2010 by This Hurts
GrayClouds Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am exactly what you just described. It affects my life in both positive and negative ways, like you said. It makes me very cautious, but on the other hand, very paranoid. It also makes me over-analyze absolutely everything, and at this point, I hate that about myself. I have a hard time living freely. Why hate it, in your own words you see it both good and bad. It is not something you have to fight, it something you have to accept. Again it is about perception. This trait gives you curiosity, creativity and desire to be challenge. With out it you would not love what you love. You love for academic and music is all driving by that trait. The secret is to use it in a healthy way. It about recognizing when you feel it coming on it is telling you that your not feed your desire for a challenge or creativity. Instead of using it to run from your fears, start using it to run to what you love. Well, I love to learn academic and musical things, to be specific If I could get paid for going to school and getting good grades, I would do it for the rest of my life. I love knowledge. There are a world of universities, colleges, and schools who will do just that, pay you to pursue knowledge. It just takes the courage of running toward what you love. Learning to love myself, however, is something I'm not and never have been familiar with. That's something I don't understand about me. Again it not about understand it is about doing, doing what is important for you. By trying and failing and trying again. It about treating yourself like you would any other love on. Pick up the book from Journey from Abandonment to Healing By Susan Anderson and do the excesses in the book as a on going effort. You may also want to pick up "No More Mr Nice Guy". It too may give you some insights but take that one with a grain of salt. By the way, have you studied psychology? You seem to have a very good grip on all this. Nope it has study me
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Even I, little Miss Obsessive/Hopeless Romantic, can promise that it does help! Basically in a relationship, sometimes we can shrink our worlds right down so that the one we love becomes the centre of everything, I think this is especially true with first loves or our first relationships. I know it was for me at least. But the break-up allows you freedom and liberation in many ways, to see, do and feel everything. There is no longer one focus (your ex) but you are free to focus on anything or anyone. Its not always easy....even ages afterwards pain can come back and there will be challenging times and moments, but the NC does help. I think it helps to keep up so that the emotions become diffussed, even if you don't become indifferent, and if you do happen to talk again or bump into each other, there isn't the intensity charging it.
mickleb Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Even I, little Miss Obsessive/Hopeless Romantic, can promise that it does help! Perhaps if you practise it, Nikki..? One thing NC is ESPECIALLY good for is helping you process the hormones flying around your body after a break-up. No-one could be expected to make perfectly sane, healthy decisions about their ex when trying to do battle with that lot. The Susan Anderson book recommended is excellent for shedding light on this. x
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Perhaps if you practise it, Nikki..? One thing NC is ESPECIALLY good for is helping you process the hormones flying around your body after a break-up. No-one could be expected to make perfectly sane, healthy decisions about their ex when trying to do battle with that lot. The Susan Anderson book recommended is excellent for shedding light on this. x Well I broke it once in three months in my mind for the right reasons. All I mean to say is, it definately does help. You can't focus on getting over someone, if you are always in communication with them...its like being given a test paper and having someone nattering in your ear the whole time.
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