Nikki Sahagin Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 I am really drawn normally to quite emotional and tragic things. I love sad, tragic movies and really emotional music. DON'T ask me why. I guess I quite enjoy the melancholy feelings these things bring me. But since my breakup, I naturally avoided these things in order to keep my sanity and not delve further into depression. I tried to focus on happy and funny things. I only began listening to that kind of music, if I wanted to draw out my emotions and focus on them. However, I've realised, now if I listen to a sad song, say one comes on in a club or a at a bar, or in someones car...it really, deeply effects me and causes me to think of my ex and apply the lyrics or music to him. If I don't hear any of this music, my feelings/thoughts aren't really of him, and if they are, they aren't anything really, but if I hear a love song or sad song, it brings it all back again. Does this happen to anyone else? I suppose its because before when I listened to the music, I never had any experiences to match the emotions the songs talked about, and now I have been through what the songs sing about, I can relate to it. I try to avoid this type of music, but its pretty difficult when you're out and about.
mickleb Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 We are so alike, Nikki Sahagin. Except you've only been here two months, TH. x
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 This: I sent an ex to wish my ex a good summer travelling. There is no harm breaking NC if your head is right. If you are texting or communicating with them because its for YOU rather than for them and you have zero expectations, either for a response or any kind of to-ing and fro-ing, then it can be a liberating thing. Its bad however if you're obsessing about their reaction, their silence or expecting more to arise from the text. Leads To This I am really drawn normally to quite emotional and tragic things. I love sad, tragic movies and really emotional music. DON'T ask me why. I guess I quite enjoy the melancholy feelings these things bring me. But since my breakup, I naturally avoided these things in order to keep my sanity and not delve further into depression. I tried to focus on happy and funny things. I only began listening to that kind of music, if I wanted to draw out my emotions and focus on them. However, I've realised, now if I listen to a sad song, say one comes on in a club or a at a bar, or in someones car...it really, deeply effects me and causes me to think of my ex and apply the lyrics or music to him. If I don't hear any of this music, my feelings/thoughts aren't really of him, and if they are, they aren't anything really, but if I hear a love song or sad song, it brings it all back again. Does this happen to anyone else? I suppose its because before when I listened to the music, I never had any experiences to match the emotions the songs talked about, and now I have been through what the songs sing about, I can relate to it. I try to avoid this type of music, but its pretty difficult when you're out and about.
This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Except you've only been here two months, TH. x Yes. What are you trying to say?
mickleb Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I'm trying to say that the stage Nikki is describing is about normal at two months. But not so typical a year after a break-up. You seem to me, from the posts of yours I've read TH, to be much more determined to make the conscious effort required to move on. Nikki, I understand that it is hard to avoid certain songs when you are out of the house but you should still try to actively practise pushing those painful feelings away. I know it's tempting but I don't think looking for validation of the bad feelings still lingering from this break-up, at this stage, is healthy for you. Try beginning threads about the positive aspects of your healing / moving on, instead. (Being happy for continuing contact obviously doesn't count.) x
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I don't obsess about my ex ordinarily day to day. What i'm saying is music for me is a trigger which can send me down memory lane. I always have powerful reactions to music. I am thinking of just not focusing on the lyrics of these types of songs or changing what I associate music with.
sedgwick Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Except you've only been here two months, TH. x Damn, mickleb, why do you make these mean posts and then sign them with kisses?! This seems like one of those instances of "if you don't have anything nice to say..."
mickleb Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I don't obsess about my ex ordinarily day to day. What i'm saying is music for me is a trigger which can send me down memory lane. I always have powerful reactions to music. I am thinking of just not focusing on the lyrics of these types of songs or changing what I associate music with. Jolly good, Nikki. Glad to hear it. Damn, mickleb, why do you make these mean posts and then sign them with kisses?! This seems like one of those instances of "if you don't have anything nice to say..." Mollycoddling isn't kind, Sedgwick. The advice I have received on this site that helped me the most wasn't 'nice', as such. Often it's the bitterest pills that we are forced to swallow that help us to realise we don't want to be ill any more. Etc, etc. I don't think Nikki's example is a particularly healthy one to identify with, so I would heed against anybody doing so. I have been discussing this with Nikki this weekend, so hope she gets where I'm coming from. I rarely don't sign off with a kiss. I do wish the very best to everyone I write to. Usually, I only don't bother with the kiss thing if I'm really angry at someone. So it's just a reminder, if it's there, that my intentions are from a good place. x
GrayClouds Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Damn, mickleb, why do you make these mean posts and then sign them with kisses?! This seems like one of those instances of "if you don't have anything nice to say..." It may seem direct but not mean. To encourage individuals not to embrace the negativity of their pain but to actively work towards healing is as kind of advice one can get. Pain and unhappiness is important to our lives. It should inspires us to work harder, try new things, it should be the motivator to reach for excellence in out lives, to be more empathetic to the world at large it, in essence it should challenges us to grow to be better human beings. Or we can use it to hold us back, be a victim, give up control of our lives to stay in place of misery, anger, hatred jealousy, discouragement and fear Not to tell people that they have better option would more actually be defined as mean. Holding on to pain long after healthy grieving is destructive, it is a kind act to let people know, even at times it require someone to be harsh.
This Hurts Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I'm trying to say that the stage Nikki is describing is about normal at two months. But not so typical a year after a break-up. You seem to me, from the posts of yours I've read TH, to be much more determined to make the conscious effort required to move on. Thank you, mickleb. Nikki has been in contact with him most of the breakup, though, right? If so, that's probably why she hasn't moved on as much as she'd like. Oh and also, when I replied with, "We are so alike, Nikki Sahagin.", I meant personality-wise, when she was describing herself: I am really drawn normally to quite emotional and tragic things. I love sad, tragic movies and really emotional music. DON'T ask me why. I guess I quite enjoy the melancholy feelings these things bring me. But since my breakup, I naturally avoided these things in order to keep my sanity and not delve further into depression. I tried to focus on happy and funny things. I only began listening to that kind of music, if I wanted to draw out my emotions and focus on them. I didn't mean that I'm also having a hard time listening to love songs, because I can listen to love songs and feel okay. The only times it really hurts me is if I'm having a bad day (if it's simply a sad day, or if I'm missing her, etc), or if the song is just too lovey and it starts making me feel lonely or crave her.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Everybody has a different time line for getting through crap:mad:..and Nikki is no different;)..I happen to hate love songs now and I used to like them:o
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Yeah truth hurts, me and my ex only ended contact in Feburary. I went NC and ended up breaking it because we kept meeting each other when we went out, we ended up sleeping together twice I think, having loads of talks about us, nothing ended up happening, I ended up crying and saying that was it and not to meet up anymore. We kept contact for a little longer and it fizzled out. It never really had a resolution, then again few of us are given that. So I think thats why i'm so behind in terms of moving on. However, I am feeling a lot better since NC. I'm even kind of glad for all the too-ing and fro-ing. I remember the last ever time I slept with him, after we slept together, I just felt nothing...I couldn't wait to get away. Was incredibly weird for me. But having that as the last memory is actually quite helpful.
mickleb Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 If you make a resolution to move on now, Nikki, it doesn't matter. You know my concern is you slipping back into bad habits, presumably? Take the positives you can from your past mistakes and use them to fuel your determination. But keep the fuel slow-burning - it will be more effective that way. Take care. x
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 If you make a resolution to move on now, Nikki, it doesn't matter. You know my concern is you slipping back into bad habits, presumably? Take the positives you can from your past mistakes and use them to fuel your determination. But keep the fuel slow-burning - it will be more effective that way. Take care. x Thanks mickleb. Yes I suppose I could slip into bad habbits, but I am quite a stubborn person once I resolve to do something. I know i'll have my moments but i'm confident today at least that i'll be okay:)
KafkasLastWords Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am really drawn normally to quite emotional and tragic things. I love sad, tragic movies and really emotional music. DON'T ask me why. I guess I quite enjoy the melancholy feelings these things bring me. QUOTE] I think it's great that you are avoiding these things to try and live your life in a healthier way. I also thing what you've said above is really interesting. Do you think there is any possibility it could be true of your relationship and how your ex treated you? Perhaps since you were drawn to things that made you feel melancholy, you might have tolerated or even enjoyed treatment that someone else might have seen as negative. I could be way off but just a thought as I can relate somewhat...
GrayClouds Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am really drawn normally to quite emotional and tragic things. I love sad, tragic movies and really emotional music. DON'T ask me why. KSW is getting there. This affection for melancholy is likely steaming from some issue of abandonment as a child. If we suffer prolong sense of longing, sentimentality and sadness from a childhood experience, it is easy to grow up feeling like this is normal, to the point of finding security in it. The things that impact us as children is imprinted on us. We often are drawn to them those some thing as adults. So if we experenced relationships offer abandonment, abusive, sadness, fear or conversely; happiness, security, and affection we are apt to peruse the same things in adult relationships. For those who are not lucky to have the latter experiences, we then need to work hard to understand the effect of this imprint and find new healthy ways to relate to the world, so as adults we get what we did not as children.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 I am actually 100% that you are right. I associate love as being hard work and painful. I actually don't like a relationship that is easy. I see a relationship as a challenge that I want to fight for....this seems to be the only way I can develop powerful and intense feelings for someone, through this kind of hardship. I know this may sound stupid to most people or highly immature, but its just me being honest. If I don't go through this with someone, my feelings are fickle and fall away. Now as for where I learnt this from or why I am this way. I don't know exactly. My parents are wonderful. My mum is quite smothering, my dad kind of distant, but they don't really have any real faults, they have given me a wonderful life. I know the fault lies in me. There must be a reason why i'm drawn to that kind of love and why I don't like normal easy relationships and find them boring. I've tried to analyse myself and really understand why...I sometimes think its because of films, fairy tales, music that impacted me a lot as a child and may have 'brainwashed' or strongly influenced my associations with relationships. These things affected me a lot. I sometimes also think I must be a bit commitmentphobic to only seek out relationships that prove to be a challenge, competition or chase....normal, happy relationships seem to deter me. I do sound like a loon, but I assure you i'm not. I don't like mean guys or abusive guys...I just really like to have to fight for someone or suffer to get to be with me (not because of them). I think its just the only way I develop strong feelings for people, through the hard times rather than the easy.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 In saying that, my parents have been great parents, but I don't believe they are happily married as partners, and maybe thats what i've learnt. They are never affectionate or spend any time together or even agree or anything about how to parent us, they just argue when they think we can't hear and my dad tells me the things that makes him unhappy without ever addressing them with my mum, who apparantly disagrees with him anyway and so they end up disagreeing and solving nothing.
GrayClouds Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am actually 100% that you are right. I associate love as being hard work and painful. I actually don't like a relationship that is easy. I see a relationship as a challenge that I want to fight for....this seems to be the only way I can develop powerful and intense feelings for someone, through this kind of hardship. I know this may sound stupid to most people or highly immature, but its just me being honest. If I don't go through this with someone, my feelings are fickle and fall away. Though these powerful and intense feelings are not love, which means it will be very difficult to achieve love in a relationship if your pursuing something other then love. But now you have a choice; to believe this unhealthy delusion for love or to put on your big girl panties and start working hard to develop a healthy understanding of love. You can have love that does not confuse intensity with intimacy, one that distinguishes difference of drama and devotion, one the where meaningfulness is accomplished not by strife but security. You happiness is quite dependent on your choice. This is the difference between getting over the break-up and healing. .
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 The thing is...i'm not sure I am ready to give that up, or even if i'd like to. I don't know how to 'train' myself to enjoy ordinary relationships; well I suppose...if the chemistry and connection was right, I could. I just have this notion that a normal relationship is boring and I want an adventure and passion. Maybe what I want isn't love at all, as you've said. Maybe i'm not ready for that at all. I don't know that i'm completely making sense....
GrayClouds Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 The thing is...i'm not sure I am ready to give that up, or even if i'd like to. I don't know how to 'train' myself to enjoy ordinary relationships; well I suppose...if the chemistry and connection was right, I could. I just have this notion that a normal relationship is boring and I want an adventure and passion. Maybe what I want isn't love at all, as you've said. Maybe i'm not ready for that at all. I don't know that i'm completely making sense.... When you are ready, there are professionals who can help you. Though it begs the question about what you hope to gain from posting in coping. For if I understand your last post, everything you got from the last relationship and everything your experiencing now it what you want. Your being here is not for coping, but just a way to extend the drama until your next adventure. Like an addict trying to smoke the residue from a pipe. And like any other addiction, it is based on selfishness and uses those who are general trying to help which sadly only feeds the addiction. I wish you well. .
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Nikki..it's right in fron of your eyes!!..Passion and desire is love to me anyway..that would be a 'normal' relationship..anybody can 'love'..how many times have you seen on this site "I love you but"..the 'but'=no passion, no desire..I recently came to that conclusion during my separation from my wife..Love without passion or desire is so sad in a relationship..I feel so guilty losing the desire and passion to be with my wife of 17 yrs and am desperately trying to rekindle it..I would love to know if anyone has done this.
mickleb Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 The thing is...i'm not sure I am ready to give that up, or even if i'd like to. I don't know how to 'train' myself to enjoy ordinary relationships; well I suppose...if the chemistry and connection was right, I could. I just have this notion that a normal relationship is boring and I want an adventure and passion. Maybe what I want isn't love at all, as you've said. Maybe i'm not ready for that at all. I don't know that i'm completely making sense.... At least you're getting closer to the truth, Nikki. No - want you say you want doesn't sound like love, far from it but if that's what you want, you may be able to achieve it. Thing is - you now have to find someone who wants exactly what you do, and that could be very hard. You have to be as honest with your potential partners as you have managed to be today. Not easy but necessary. I think you do have a commitment phobic attittude and would urge you to read 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. It's a bit irritating at times and appears to have a 'one size fits all' approach to it but the lesson you need to take from it is regarding this level of honesty. You need to truly decide what you are looking for. What you REALLY want. Then be honest with those you seek it with. It's as simple as that. I admire you for trying to express this apparent conflict within you. I think it is very brave. But GC is right: there is no point in wanting help for this conflict, if it is what you desire. There are others here who really do not want it and could use the time. And you are being deceitful if you claim you are unhappy but have sought it out. It may be that this journey in 'Coping' has been for this purpose: to lead you to this truth. In which case, it has been worth every step. Just remember to continue to be honest with yourself, in this way, and those you deal with and you will be content. Take care. x
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