RedDevil66 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 If you were once betrayed and cheated on and can recall the total devastation you felt, what is your thought process about doing to others what was done to you? Lack of conscience? Payback? Unprocess pain/hurt?! Just curious what the thought process is on this.
anne1707 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 I was a BS first and I really did think I had dealt with it but when we went through MC following my affair a few years later, it became apparent that there were still a lot of issues hanging around. It was actually my H who first suggested this was the case and I disagreed. I certainly did not feel (and still feel) that my affair was a revenge affair but is still impacted on me emotionally (issues re security, confidence, attractiveness,...). Especially as during MC, I found out some things about his affair that he had lied about previously when I asked at the time. But then ofcourse we also had to deal with my lies too. I can also honestly say that my H has never said/done anything to make me feel that my affair was something I did out of revenge/spite/lack of conscience. And I have never, ever used his affair as an excuse for mine - that would just be so wrong and not true.
White Flower Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 If you were once betrayed and cheated on and can recall the total devastation you felt, what is your thought process about doing to others what was done to you? Lack of conscience? Payback? Unprocess pain/hurt?! Just curious what the thought process is on this. Not sure I want to participate in this one because of presumed hostility but I'll give it a chance. When my exH had his EA I remember feeling completely helpless. I did so much to communicate, get us into counseling, etc., but finally at one point I realized there was nothing I could do to change anybody's heart or mind. It wasn't about me; it was about them getting what they needed, something I couldn't provide. Perhaps our cultures were just too different or our chemistry wasn't right. I realized that if my now ex wasn't willing to fight for us, then they deserved each other. Honestly, that is what it boiled down to. When I became the OW I figured the situation would be the same. I didn't know much about serial cheaters or MM who were reluctant to ever leave. My dad left for his OW and I knew a few remarried people who started out as As so I didn't have much reason to believe I was falling into a trap. But that is beside the point. In the beginning my thought process was, well, if my ex's needs weren't entirely met by me and by no fault of my own, then MM's needs musn't be met through no fault of his W's. They just don't work together and maybe we do. It was just that practical. Having believed for so long in the institution of M and then finally, FINALLY, understanding that sometimes you M the wrong person and that D isn't really such a bad thing was pretty freeing. If I could come to terms with this, hardcore believer that I was, then certainly others could including MM's W. That may be wishful thinking, but that's what I felt.
jennie-jennie Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 (edited) If you were once betrayed and cheated on and can recall the total devastation you felt, what is your thought process about doing to others what was done to you? Lack of conscience? Payback? Unprocess pain/hurt?! Just curious what the thought process is on this. I am not doing to others what was done to me. The WS is doing to his wife what my WS did to me. I am having a relationship with the man I love, who unfortunately is simultaneously in another relationship. His problem, not mine. I didn't expect my exSOs' OW to be considerate of me, only those who were my friends, and not even always them. If you are in love you are in love, and are not going to be altruistic when the person you love loves you back. I did not demand that of the OW of my exSOs, so why would I demand it of myself. What I have learnt from being the BS is that I would never do that to my partner. Which is why I immediately put my relationship with my MM out in the open to my SO. Then it was his choice whether or not to stay with me knowing that I had another relationship. However, I can not control my MM and make him do what I would have done. It is up to him how he wants to conduct his relationship with his wife. Edited June 1, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Author RedDevil66 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I was a BS first and I really did think I had dealt with it but when we went through MC following my affair a few years later, it became apparent that there were still a lot of issues hanging around. It was actually my H who first suggested this was the case and I disagreed. I certainly did not feel (and still feel) that my affair was a revenge affair but is still impacted on me emotionally (issues re security, confidence, attractiveness,...). Especially as during MC, I found out some things about his affair that he had lied about previously when I asked at the time. But then ofcourse we also had to deal with my lies too. I can also honestly say that my H has never said/done anything to make me feel that my affair was something I did out of revenge/spite/lack of conscience. And I have never, ever used his affair as an excuse for mine - that would just be so wrong and not true. But you do feel it was done out of revenge? I can totally understand the "revenge affair". Was your affair with a married man though?
Author RedDevil66 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 WF, this thread has no hostile intent. It's an honest thread. Though I have to say, your reply sounds like a justification for an affair. Correct me if I'm wrong. The pain you felt when your husband left you stung, I'm sure. This is why I was curious if the pain felt was that extreme, and normally this sort of pain would turn anyone off to an affair, how one can do it to someone else. Maybe it's about subconscious revenge for you? Again, correct me if I'm wrong. I'm really just trying to understand this I was a other woman and then a betrayed spouse, Once the betrayal happened to me, I was able to understand the impact I had on the wife of the MM I was with and the pain I felt being the BS cemented for me the disgust of the pain felt and caused.
OWoman Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 The pain you felt when your husband left you stung, I'm sure. This is why I was curious if the pain felt was that extreme, and normally this sort of pain would turn anyone off to an affair, how one can do it to someone else. WF left her WH. Her WH did not leave her.
anne1707 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 But you do feel it was done out of revenge? I can totally understand the "revenge affair". Was your affair with a married man though? I thought I had already made that clear: And I have never, ever used his affair as an excuse for mine - that would just be so wrong and not true. I definitely do not feel it was done out of revenge. And I would also never even attempt to use that excuse. And no, the ex-OM was not married
Author RedDevil66 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 WF left her WH. Her WH did not leave her. who cares who left who, he cheated on her and she still felt the sting.
Author RedDevil66 Posted June 1, 2010 Author Posted June 1, 2010 I thought I had already made that clear: I definitely do not feel it was done out of revenge. And I would also never even attempt to use that excuse. And no, the ex-OM was not married sorry, yeah, I read the post at 4am when I got up :-) So the man you cheated with was not married, so you didn't hurt the wife in your case, but your hubby.
ladydesigner Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 If you were once betrayed and cheated on and can recall the total devastation you felt, what is your thought process about doing to others what was done to you? Lack of conscience? Payback? Unprocess pain/hurt?! Just curious what the thought process is on this. Okay yes I am one that did have a revenge affair. My H seemed to have checked out of the marriage after our first child was born and years later I caught him cheating and discovered other infidelities. The first thing I felt upon discovery was to have my own A. To get back. I was already headed down the path of an EA with a co-worker and didn't know that is what I was involved in until I came to LS. His infidelity just fueled my lack of conscience. I gave up on my M and started pursuing my co-worker. After our first kiss, my XOM began to pursue me heavily and I became confused. I knew we got along well and were great friends I just wasn't sure about having an A. My H and I continued with our pitiful M at the time and I threw all logic and integrity out the window. I ended up falling in love with my XOM and it wasn't until we started talks about "what do we do next" that my XOM went and ended our A and continued with his own 5 year relationship with his long-term girlfriend. I did act out of anger, but I was also vulnerable and hurt. My XOM made me feel better as simple as that. My A was a payback and I no longer care about my H's infidelities since my own A. It was a pretty sick and twisted way of processing my own pain, but I do feel pain-free now. In hindsight I wish I would have not had the A and left the M. In some respect I feel I am back in my M because of my RA.
White Flower Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 WF, this thread has no hostile intent. It's an honest thread. Though I have to say, your reply sounds like a justification for an affair. Correct me if I'm wrong. No, it's no revenge at all; not toward my ex nor MM's W. I think jennie-jennie stated it best... I am not doing to others what was done to me. The WS is doing to his wife what my WS did to me... What I have learnt from being the BS is that I would never do that to my partner. Which is why I immediately put my relationship with my MM out in the open to my SO. Then it was his choice whether or not to stay with me knowing that I had another relationship... However, I can not control my MM and make him do what I would have done. It is up to him how he wants to conduct his relationship with his wife. The only difference between myself and jennie-jennie is instead of admit my EA with MM, I began D proceedings with my exH before it became a PA. I just didn't want or need to cross that line. The pain you felt when your husband left you stung, I'm sure. This is why I was curious if the pain felt was that extreme, and normally this sort of pain would turn anyone off to an affair, how one can do it to someone else. Maybe it's about subconscious revenge for you? Again, correct me if I'm wrong. It stung all right, but after 25-ish years together and all the other issues we had this was just the icing on the cake. There were reasons that lead him down the road to the A and I finally had to accept them. It really had nothing to do with me, how hard I tried to make it work, how nice I was to his family, how unorganized my closet is, etc. It had to do with the fact that we just weren't right for each other and probably just lost respect for each other for not being the right person. I lost respect for him for not trying hard enough and NOW I realize that he just didn't have it in him. I don't blame him for that anymore. Acceptance is good. He lost respect for me because I didn't believe in HIS dream. That doesn't make me a bad person, just not the right one for him. Again, acceptance is good. I'm not saying the A he had was right, but it was the final straw that made me see all the other evidence that we just didn't fit together. Also, I'm not justifying my own A, but I suppose I felt just a little less guilty knowing that I was preparing to D anyway. Oh, and I left him. He would have been happy being miserable for the rest of his life as long as he came out looking like the successful guy. I'm really just trying to understand this Aren't we all:) I was a other woman and then a betrayed spouse, Once the betrayal happened to me, I was able to understand the impact I had on the wife of the MM I was with and the pain I felt being the BS cemented for me the disgust of the pain felt and caused. May I ask you a question? Since you say you felt disgust over 'pain felt and caused', I sense that maybe there was intent on your end to cause pain. TBH, really honest, I really believed that IF MM's W EVER had the tiniest clue I was in his picture I would bow out gracefully; game over. I really believed it and you can go back to my earliest posts and verify that. Yet, I had NO idea how deeply I was going to fall for him nor how deeply he would fall for me either. I never intended it to go this far. I know that SOUNDS like an excuse, but it is what happens quite often and quite sincerely. Like jennie-jennie said, it is up to him how he wants to conduct his R with his W.
Author RedDevil66 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Intent to cause pain to whom? The wife or my ex? Thanks for the share also
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