mrshuma Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 (edited) I have gone back through most of the posts from the beginning and my question is: If you are wanting to get your ex back through NC (I know it shouldn't be used as a tool) unless your ex shows up to your door, or emails you that "she made a mistake and wants you back" anything else is just crumbs. Will it really be black and white and if its not does that mean its not real? Wouldn't pride stop the dumper from coming back that way? What are some examples of the dumper honestly trying to reconcile? Edited May 31, 2010 by mrshuma
alaskafire08 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Dumpers get lonely too! If she wants to come back, you have the power to lay down the conditions (Will it really be black and white and if its not does that mean its not real) - There are never any guarantees in life.
Author mrshuma Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 alaskafire08: I'm only on Day 6 of NC and even though I would do anything to have her back, I have suffered so much the last 6 days that I will not break NC just to do it. She is going to have to be totally upfront and tell me she made a mistake, etc or I'm just not going to do it. Its been such a battle just to get to day 6.
KafkasLastWords Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 mrshuma, believe me I understand your pain. You can go back to see my original post about what happened with me and my ex but I can tell you it gets easier. It's been about 7 weeks for me now and, although it was ridiculously painful and difficult for the first 3 or 4 weeks, it gets easier as time goes on. Personally, I actually am really proud of myself and every week I feel more empowered about taking my life back. I still miss him terribly and am still completely lost about what happened, what was/is going through his head etc. but have begun slowly accepting that I may never know the answers to those questions. The fact is, whether you ultimately end up getting your ex back or end up meeting someone even better eventually, the only way to get to either is to genuinely move on with your life. This doesn't happen overnight - it is a slow and painful process - but the only way to guarantee you don't move on is if you obsess about what will happen and if what you are doing will get you the result you think you want. You need to do this for you, for your own betterment, for your own happiness. I only recently really started to "get" that. If we do this right, in time we'll all be better than just OK!
Cantcope Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 mrshuma, believe me I understand your pain. You can go back to see my original post about what happened with me and my ex but I can tell you it gets easier. It's been about 7 weeks for me now and, although it was ridiculously painful and difficult for the first 3 or 4 weeks, it gets easier as time goes on. Personally, I actually am really proud of myself and every week I feel more empowered about taking my life back. I still miss him terribly and am still completely lost about what happened, what was/is going through his head etc. but have begun slowly accepting that I may never know the answers to those questions. The fact is, whether you ultimately end up getting your ex back or end up meeting someone even better eventually, the only way to get to either is to genuinely move on with your life. This doesn't happen overnight - it is a slow and painful process - but the only way to guarantee you don't move on is if you obsess about what will happen and if what you are doing will get you the result you think you want. You need to do this for you, for your own betterment, for your own happiness. I only recently really started to "get" that. If we do this right, in time we'll all be better than just OK! Thanks, that made me feel better.
Nikki Sahagin Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Well.....after me and my ex split the first time he came back VERY quickly. I was so happy just to have him back, then I put up with ANYTHING just to be with him. Sometimes second chances are what we want, but they aren't right. I was miserable the second time around because he treated me badly and I was too scared to stick up for myself in case he left me again. Not a good place to be. If they do come back, don't be afraid to stand up for what you expect, and if they wont give it, don't be scared to see them walk away.
ADF Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I am going to tell you what you already know--NC is not a tool for getting your ex back. Who even started such a stupid idea? People need to just put nonsense out of their minds.
Author mrshuma Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 ADF: if she wants "space" then isn't NC the only option at least for a certain time period? If the intentions are to try and get her back then what is the best way? I would hate to go 50 days NC then make contact with her again only to be back to square one. What are your thoughts?
ADF Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 ADF: if she wants "space" then isn't NC the only option at least for a certain time period? If the intentions are to try and get her back then what is the best way? I would hate to go 50 days NC then make contact with her again only to be back to square one. What are your thoughts? Well, in my experience, whenever someone says, "I need space," what they really mean is, "I've met someone else." Almost always. Maybe that isn't true here, but it usually is. I just don't think NC is a viable strategy for trying to get someone back after a break up. That goes double if you are the dumpee. If she initiated the split, then I have to assume that is what she wanted.
Ilovecake Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 My rule of thumb is if you are thinking about breaking NC it's too soon. The day you no longer care if you ever talk to them or not is the right time.
cp3_panda Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Amen Ilovecake. Amen. To all those going through the healing process, it has been 8 weeks since I have last spoken to my ex. Like Kafka said, first few weeks are terrible. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemies. But as time goes on, as you realize that life moves on whether this person is here or not, is when you see that the pain is actually going away little by little. I rarely think about my ex anymore (4 year relationship). I cannot say that I do not think about it at all because sometimes I genuinely miss her. I think that I will until i meet the next person that I truly have that connection with again. But when I think back to what she did (cheat on me, lie to me for months), I just cannot justify ever getting back with her again. I guess its a little different than most people in that I KNOW for a fact that even if she misses me, realizes she made a mistake, etc etc, that she would never contact me again. She is simply too proud a person. I find solace that I have gone through the majority of the healing process and I do not have to worry about some psycho playing with my feelings because in the end, although my ex was cruel to me, she has not tried to contact me within the last few months. Good riddance.
dan_the_man Posted June 6, 2010 Posted June 6, 2010 When is the right time to break NC? The answer is never.
CrownOvHorns Posted June 7, 2010 Posted June 7, 2010 When is the right time to break NC? The answer is never. I agree with this.
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