Finally broke up :( Looking at my other threads/problems, was I justified?

[mani81]

Well, I finally broke up with my gf. Even though most of our problems originated around February-ish and she has attempted to remedy them every time, I just looked at them as too many red flags for me to personally get passed. But it was so hard ending it with someone you care about. (What I'm looking for here is some backing of, "yeah, you did the right thing.." etc.)

 

Can you quickly look back at the 3 or 4 threads and support my decision?

[mani81]

Time line:

 

Oct '09: - Became a couple Halloween night. On one of our first dates tells me she had an alter-ego modeling name but won't tell me what it was (started another thread on this). When we first met almost all her friends were dudes (ones she worked with). Her best friend ("bestie") was a guy.

 

Nov '09: - Everything ok. Met each other's parents, etc.

 

Dec '09: - everything ok (tiny spat when she wouldn't kiss me at midnight on new year's eve because she was at work).

- At some point in the middle of the month she she got texts from a coworker, one saying "I want to take a nap with you."

 

Jan '10: - the ex on facebook situation (started old thread on this)

- she got into play fight with a guy at party (started old thread on this)

- she missed her period and she would shut down whenever i tried to ask her about taking a preg. test. Said she was scared and didn't want to talk about it. Then she comes home one day saying, "so I just talked to *her guy best friend's name* about taking the test and my symptoms.." etc. in such a casual manner that I was offended.

 

Feb '10: - I passed by her one day and she's on the couch with her laptop in her facebook inbox. I walk by and there's some message from a guy with the subject line of "<3 the trick to love is..." I noticed the date was from a few weeks before. anyways I sit across from her on the couch and go, "Uh, so what's up with that heart message thing?" And she goes, "Oh.. yeah... I know it looks bad, but really it's just this creepy guy that used to work at the restaurant. He just wrote something about, 'the trick to love is the ability to seduce.' But I didn't reply to it." I'm like, "Can I see it?" She said, "No. I just deleted it." I asked, "Why?" She said, "Because you just saw it and it was an inappropriate message." I'm like, "Why didn't you delete it weeks ago when you got it? Why are you just going to delete now just because I glanced at it?"

- She gives me a key to her apartment. I basically start living there at this point.

 

March '10: - talking about threesomes (which she, unprovoked, divulged to me before we were a couple) I caught her in a weird spot. She said she only had threesomes with people she worked at a bar with. When I pointed out that in October she told me it was with an ex bf she said, "I don't remember saying that." and, "No. I never did it with an ex bf..." When I asked her how many times she had threesomes she shelled up and didn't want to talk about it. Almost as if she was more guarded now than when we first were together.

- Her and I are on the couch and she's having a conversation with her bestie guy friend. Phone is on speaker. They talk for around 15-20 minutes and then he goes, "I've been having weird dreams lately..." And she abruptly turns the phone off speaker. I give her a look like, "???" Then after a minute she puts it back on speaker and conversation ended or something. I asked her about this after and why she turned the phone off speaker right there and she said she "was having trouble hearing him." (he was coming in clear though..) When I brought this situation weeks later asking why she put the phone off speaker she then said, "I thought you might be bored and didn't think you'd want to hear what he was saying." I said, "That's a completely different reason that what you told me before!" She said, "Well, it was both reasons. Why can't it be both reasons?"

 

April '10: She admits that she lied about the threesome with the ex bf. When I asked her about it she said, "Well, do you want me to lie or tell the truth..?!" I'm thinking, "Uh.. wtf?!" Admitted she had one with an ex bf but that "It was a bad experience so she didn't want to remember it happening so in her mind it didn't." And she says, "It's not like she lied then. She just told a half-truth." (her actual words!)

 

May '10: After her bestie invites her to go to a themepark with just the two of them (saying he missed "bestie time") she asks him why her, him, I, and his gf can't just go as a group together. He kind of shrugs off the idea to her. When she tells me this I told her I gave him the benefit of the doubt for months (I don't usually trust guys tryig to be just "friends" with girls) but this was not cool with me. And that I didn't want anything to do with the guy. She ended her friendship with him.

- I find the text from Dec. about the "I want to take a nap with you." It stirs up all the stuff we went through from the play fight and that maybe our sense of boundaries are different.

- Rumor starts at her work that she's cheating on me. She says it turned out to be another server who just wanted attention.

- We have a short breakup on May 6th for a day. I say the main problems are that she won't tell me her model name so I feel we're not open or trusting enough with each other, that I caught her in the lie about the threesomes, and that I'm not comfortable with her restaurant.

- We went to a couples counselor a few days after the break up/get back together. The model name thing and the threesome lie were discussed. The counselor didn't say too many groundbreaking things. Not anymore help than I've gotten off these sites.

- I guess in her desperation, she finally told me the model name. I googled it though and could find nothing anywhere. Strange for a model who supposedly made 17k for one job...

- Broke up yesterday. Been texting a lot still though.

 

 

 

Pros: Best gf I've ever had. Very compatible. Both enjoy same things (sports, sharing lazy down time). Never get tired of being around each other. Intelligent girl. Attractive. Sex life is great on both ends. Very kind-hearted girl. Sweet and attentive. Has attempted to remedy any problems we've ever had (e.g. says she doesn't touch guys at work anymore). Dropped her bestie guy friend when I said I wasn't comfortable with him.

 

Cons: Caught her in a couple white lies (facebook ex, threesome lie, modeling name could very well be a lie also). Seems to need to get caught in the act with things for her to see what she was doing was wrong. Self-esteem issues (eating disorder years ago). Seems to like attention a little too much. I haven't been around her much when she's with her work buddies but from the few times I have, it seems she had little boundaries. Says she's changed and doesn't act like that anymore but I still get worried.

 

I'd also like to add that I have slight OCD and can be obsessive and overly-worried about things. I still think what has happened in our relationship would cause duress for anyone though.

 

So, in total, too many red flags to overcome? Even though she seems to have matured a bit and try to change for me I still have trust issues.

[Nukulus]

Honestly from a guys perspective the pros you listed outweigh the cons.

 

You said you caught her in white lies, and as far as you know has never done anything (i.e. cheat on you) etc. However, her main issue appears to be the fact that she doesn't see the error of her ways before you point them out (despite it just being white lies).

 

Having said all that, it seems the main problem is lies with yourself. You let all these things eat at you, and you over think and over analyze it until it bothers you so much that you can't handle it. Now that's not meant to be a criticism as I do that myself and I am sure mainy more do too. I just think the reason you broke up has to do with your comfort level in the relationship rather than anything that she has done to deserve being dumped.

 

So what do you do now? IF she really is the best girlfriend you ever had maybe you should work on reigning in your OCD and overanlyzing and see if you can't work it out. And like you said she has tried to correct everything that has been bothering you.

 

Good luck. It's a tough situation for sure!

[legallyblonde289]

i think you were a little paranoid. with the threesome thing, she probably didnt want you to be jealous. i actually kinda feel bad for her, she ended her friendship with her best friend for you, and then you dump her the same month. thats gotta sting:mad:

[BobSacamento]

Your GF had to end her friendship with her best friend because of you?

 

Wow,I think you did her a gigantic favor. So yes, for her sake, you did the right thing.

[mani81]

Your GF had to end her friendship with her best friend because of you?

 

Wow,I think you did her a gigantic favor. So yes, for her sake, you did the right thing.

 

I never gave her an ultimatum on him. Throughout our relationship I never got upset when her and him would text each other late at night. But when she felt more comfortable talking to him about the preggo scare things I was on alert. And when he wanted to hang out with her all day by themselves (even though they work together and see each other all the time) I was not a fan. I just told her the guy makes me uncomfortable. When she told him that they should include me and go as a group, the guy got upset and started treating her poorly. A few days after he and her worked a joint table at work. Something happened where he didn't do any work and still demanded they split the money for the table... basically he "stole" $40 from her. That was the stone that broke the camel's back and she's been furious with him ever since.

[mani81]

i think you were a little paranoid. with the threesome thing, she probably didnt want you to be jealous. i actually kinda feel bad for her, she ended her friendship with her best friend for you, and then you dump her the same month. thats gotta sting:mad:

 

I understand why she wouldn't want me to be jealous. But just tell me "you don't want to talk about it." Don't lie straight to my face.

[mani81]

Honestly from a guys perspective the pros you listed outweigh the cons.

 

You said you caught her in white lies, and as far as you know has never done anything (i.e. cheat on you) etc. However, her main issue appears to be the fact that she doesn't see the error of her ways before you point them out (despite it just being white lies).

 

Having said all that, it seems the main problem is lies with yourself. You let all these things eat at you, and you over think and over analyze it until it bothers you so much that you can't handle it. Now that's not meant to be a criticism as I do that myself and I am sure mainy more do too. I just think the reason you broke up has to do with your comfort level in the relationship rather than anything that she has done to deserve being dumped.

 

So what do you do now? IF she really is the best girlfriend you ever had maybe you should work on reigning in your OCD and overanlyzing and see if you can't work it out. And like you said she has tried to correct everything that has been bothering you.

 

Good luck. It's a tough situation for sure!

 

Maybe try to do more counseling and work it out? Lol, your response of saying the pros outweigh the cons is not making me feel great about my decision.

[Morals]

I think you did the right thing, if you kept catching her in all those "white lies".

 

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind...

 

That's a quote I found somewhere...It basically says all I need to say. White lies are still LIES...I don't know why people think they are discountable.

[Nukulus]

You probably did make the right decisions. The only thing that gave me pause was you saying she was the best relationship you've had, and that she has tried to correct her issues when you brought them up.

 

Ultimately it is up to you. If those white lies were bothering you that much then you absolutely made the best decisions. If you were just letting any insecurities you have get at you then maybe it was the wrong decision.

 

Anyways... If you do decide to try and work it out... If possible I would try to do it with a clean slate for her and yourself. Tabula Rasa... start fresh and see what comes of it. If she is still acting shady about some stuff then you'll have your ultimate answer.

 

Having said that all of the above is just my opinion and I could be way wrong as well haha. Good luck whatever you do!

[mani81]

Well, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt with all our other issues. I looked at them as maybe trivial by themselves, but once they started adding up... I mean, I was very close to breaking up when she couldn't even talk to me about taking a preggo test. Then again after the play-fight at the party and her lame post-excuses. Even though the text about "I want to take a nap with you" was from a long time ago, I only found out about it recently and her lame post-excuses just seemed like the last straw to me.

[mani81]

Any more thoughts..?

[mlh5046]

I think you did the right thing man. I know some of the good things are great like the sex and the compatibility. But i had the same situation before. If she always has these white lies and continually talks to other men behind your back, especially when you cannot be sure the relationship is platonic, it will eat at you and bother you constantly.

 

It sounds like it bothers you, and it would bother me too. She gave you very good reasons not to trust her in terms of a long term relationship, no matter what anyone says. I agree with you.

[Sivok]

Well for what it's worth, I dated a model once similar to the qualities you describe here.

 

She was very passionate and fiercely loyal, however very insecure as well. Then again, majority of models are extremely insecure - their jobs rely on getting positive attention on their looks for a living; not to mention the competition they're up against. Another thing I noticed, the majority of her friends were guys as well. She felt uncomfortable around other girls and felt like they judge her/etc.

 

What bothered me seems to be what may be bothering you too - as a guy, we KNOW that all her friends want to sleep with her. That's an absolute fact. What we need to get over is they can see as much as they want, but they'll never touch. It's all about overcoming those personal insecurities.

 

Also, my best friend is an attractive girl and that has caused alot of problems with my girlfriends as well. Excessive jealousy is a seed of destruction for any relationship.

 

Honestly, I don't think going back together with her is a great idea. The white lies just feed negative thinking to the next level and ruin the fabrication of trust in its entirety. Once that trust is gone - which yes, was largely due to her constant lies; accelerated by your insecurities - it's close to impossible to get back. You can choose to get back with her and live with that miserable anxiety of not trusting her (trust me i know how horrible and stressing that feels), or take the experience as the lesson and learning experience that it is and move on.

 

I'd recommend taking some time off on dating and focusing on yourself, maybe seeking therapy for OCD symptoms. I sought therapy for my near life long anxieties and the results were absolutely phenomenal - best decision I've ever made.

[mani81]

Yeah, but I don't even think my gf did modeling to begin with (see my old thread about her having a modeling alter ego that she wouldn't tell me about). It was the general concensus by everyone on here that she made it all up. A few here and there thought she did porn or something.

[mani81]

little update:

 

Few days ago I went to an individual counseling session. My gf keeps saying that I'm not getting over things and that the problem with our relationship lies with me. So I got a free session through my school and I figured, "What is there to lose?" Well, I told the therapist basically all the things I've experienced that have made my trust shaky and all she said at the end was, "I don't blame you for having trust issues." After my gf asked me how the session went, I told her what the therapist said and she (my gf) got pretty upset of course

 

Just yesterday we did our second couples counseling session. I just talked about some more of the things that have hurt my trust (the model name, texts on phone, the play-fight)... But the councilor doesn't really get very subjective much. He just listens and then says these kind of sweeping statements.

 

The most heated part of the session was when talking about the guy she works with that once sent her a "I want to nap with you" text. Here's how it went:

 

Me: I don't understand why if this guy was creeping on you - and the way you talk it seems he was a habitual offender, right..?

 

Gf: Yeah...

 

Me: Well, after I saw that text he sent you, you said, "Well, why do you think I don't hang out with him anymore?" But we were just planning to go to a waterpark with him a week before! And he's been creeping on you for months! And we even changed the date we were going to the park to include him! Why were we doing stuff with him if you were supposedly "not hanging out with him?"

 

Gf: Well, you said after you met him that he was the only coworker of mine you liked (True. I met him in Jan before I had known of his creeperness and he seemed nice)

 

Me: But I didn't know he was hitting on you. Why did you never tell me he did that to you a lot? Because you've told me in the past if other coworkers have but you never mentioned him, despite him being one of your coworkers we talk about the most...

 

Gf: What he was doing was inappropriate now that I look back on it...

 

Me: I mean, if it was a girl I knew doing that to me it would piss you off, right?

 

Gf: Yeah.

 

Me: I just feel it's like the play-fight thing. You need to get caught red-handed to see what you're doing is wrong. So why were we going to hang out with him recently then..?

 

Gf: Well, why do you think I canceled the waterpark thing?

 

Me: *pausing with confusion* Uhh... You said at the time it was because the weather was bad...

 

Gf: No. Because some of the people he was going with canceled and I didn't think it would be appropriate if it was just you, him, and I.

 

Me: Why would it matter if it was just the 3 of us..? Why didn't you tell me the real reason you canceled before then..?!

 

*At this point I turn to the therapist and say "This is frustrating!!!" *

 

 

You have to realize - when my gf and I first dated we used to play beach vball a lot. I remember one time back in Oct or Nov, in between a point, I was at the net and there was a tall attractive girl on the opposite team facing me. She said some flirty/trash talk like, "Oh... I'm gonna spike it on you this time!" But I didn't even respond. Or talk to her anymore the entire night. Well, afterward my gf got pissed at that girl for saying that one little snippet to me. And mad at me! I said, "I didn't even respond to her!" And she told me, "You need to act like you're in a relationship! If a girl flirts with you like that you should tell her you have a girlfriend!"

 

The reason I'm telling this story is this is how my gf was like when her and I were together for just a couple weeks. Yet when we're at the sixth month point she's still buddy-buddy with one of her male coworkers that hits on her. I can't understand this.

[spookie]

I don't think this is a situation of right or wrong. People have different boundaries; it sounds like yours are very far to the right of hers. I don't find her behaivior alarming at all; I don't think you have anything to worry about. But I also don't think YOU are going to feel comfortable with her unless she changes completely, which is not a fair demand to make of another peroson, so it's best to stop wasting each other's time.

[mani81]

I don't think this is a situation of right or wrong. People have different boundaries; it sounds like yours are very far to the right of hers. I don't find her behaivior alarming at all; I don't think you have anything to worry about. But I also don't think YOU are going to feel comfortable with her unless she changes completely, which is not a fair demand to make of another peroson, so it's best to stop wasting each other's time.

 

It's not fair if she keeps loose boundaries for herself and then gets mad at me if a girl even smiles my way. That hypocrisy's not fair and she's old enough to see through it.

[spookie]

It's not fair if she keeps loose boundaries for herself and then gets mad at me if a girl even smiles my way. That hypocrisy's not fair and she's old enough to see through it.

 

I agree, that's hypocritical, but one generally does not end an R just because of hypocrisy.

 

I don't think you need to justify ending it with her.

[mani81]

I agree, that's hypocritical, but one generally does not end an R just because of hypocrisy.

 

I don't think you need to justify ending it with her.

 

Well... I mean there's also the lying... just little weird things here and there if you see my threads. and it seems she never really owes up to any mistake. There's always an excuse. That reminds me.. another one of her excuses for the "I want to take a nap with you" text was that "her and I hadn't worked out our boundaries of what is appropriate or inappropriate at that point." As if there would ever be a time when texts like that should be appropriate, sheesh... -__-

[asia2269]

I too have been and still is blinded but love. But it seems there are too many games this lady plays. You have to basically ask yourself if she would be there for you in bad times. You said so many things which are good times. But you sticked with her during the bad times. Will she stick with you? I know where you are coming from but if you are in for the play stay and be ready to pay. But something for a lifetime you might want to find someone else. This is just my opinion. I still feel you are in the winning spot. Did you know there are so many women out there looking for a man. The last time I heard the ratio was 1 is to 3.

Be happy...

[stace79]

1. How do you know she's not a porn star instead of a "model"? Her morals sound questionable to me based on your descriptions.

 

2. Yes, I think you did the right thing.

[RedRussian]

You should of let he go when she pulled the Crazy after the Volleyball game but at least in time you did the right thing. Good for you bro!

 

I bet she will be dating her "friend coworker" in no time. It will tell you all you need to know and already know.

[noirx]

I'm with spookie on this one.

 

It sounds like you two have different versions of boundaries. There's no point in going into therapy to emotionally beat each other into thinking like the other one...to paraphrase Bullwinkle Moose, "that **** never works"... Granted it sounds like you two had other chemistry, but if you can't respect each other, you're doomed over the long haul. You did the right thing so she can find someone who has the same boundaries (or can accept hers), and you the same.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I remember your threads. I think you are far better without her than with.