VelveteenBunny Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 (edited) So, I was wondering, do men love the same way women do? I don't think they do. I'll state why and you guys can chime in. I'm dealing with familial love and romantic love. Familial- Many people I know have fathers who are absent/abandoners, neglectful, exploitive, or down right abusive to the kids or the children's mother. Far fewer have mothers like this. I know part of it is because men can run off while women still have a child in utero, but I think it goes beyond that. Dr. Drew was on a teen preg. show and said men don't love their kids like women do, and one of the dad's agreed with him. I have often heard this from women, but there were two men saying it for once! I read a study that showed parents took better care of their "pretty" kids than their "homely" ones, but fathers made a much more significant difference between the two. Romantic- My therapist told me once that, to men, they think of love diff. than women do- it's not about emotion- it's about whether they can financially provide for us, etc. I said that was ridiculous. Everyone says love is an action, but I could treat someone I didn't care for, with love- possibly even someone I hated. Love is an emotion and that emotion SPAWNS loving actions, so yes, action is involved. But a poor man who can't provide for his family, but tries to, can still love them. And I bet he FEELS something for them, also. So I told my T, I knew better, and the guy I was with did NOT feel the way he was saying he did. I said, from our talks, I really thought he had felt romantic love. But my therapist said men don't think of love that way. Well, that was quite awhile ago. Recently, my bf says for women, love is more emotional and for men, it is more practical. WTF? My therapist was right?! On top of this, I read an article (can't seem to find it, atm) regarding a study done that tested the depression and anxiety levels of men and women, some who were never hear broken, some who had been left once, some who had been dumped multiple times, some who had new mates, etc. It turned out, women got worse depression and anxiety scores, regardless of how much time had passed post breakup, this got increasingly worse with added breakups, and having a new mate didn't make things better. I don't recall if time affected the men, BUT having a new mate made their depression scores better, unlike women's. So, for men, we're that easy to get over? I am beginning to think, men don't love... Edited May 31, 2010 by VelveteenBunny 1
somedude81 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 I'm not a parent so I can't comment on the first part. As for the second issue, women and men both feel love differently. I read in article in my school newspaper about relationships that was written by a girl. One thing that stuck out at me was that she said that, "Men tend to fall first, and harder than women do." From my experiences, I can't disagree with her. The breakup usually hurts the man most. The woman by virtue of being a female is able to find a new partner when ever she wants. Though she may end up in an unsatisfying relationship. It usually takes a man a lot longer to find a new person. It's not uncommon for men to go many months between relationships. I've read somewhere that in the vast majority of relationships that ended, it was over because woman ended it. I don't believe that for men love is practical. It's very emotional for me. Men are scared of getting hurt. That's why so many men are afraid of rejection.
CLC2008 Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Men are scared of getting hurt. That's why so many men are afraid of rejection. Fear of rejection is ego, not love.
ADF Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 You packed a huge amount of information into just two paragraphs. Let's see if I can untangle it. Starting backwards--I find the idea that women suffer more from break ups and abandonment highly suspect. The reason is that generally speaking, women have much stronger social support networks than men do. When a woman's relationship ends, she usually has close friends to fall back on, who give her solace and emotional support. Men usually don't have those resources, or don't have them to the same extent. Friendships between men tend to be more shallow and less supportive, leaving men without women pretty isolated. As far as Dr. Drew goes, he too often passes off his personal opinions and prejudices as medical knowledge. Frankly, he is a pretty traditional, conservative guy. There isn't all that much light between Dr. Drew and the Pope when it comes to ideas about relationships. I don't think men "naturally" love their kids less. I think men's often cavalier attitudes about responsibility and fatherhood are more learned than innate. For example, many poorer men learn to devalue family life because they see it as a sucker's bet. They know they are unlikely to ever earn enough money or achieve enough stability to prove their manhood by supporting a family. Starting a family just seems like an opportunity to fail in life. So, they begin to measure their manliness in other ways--e.g. by seducing large numbers of women and "getting over" on them.
linwood Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 Both Dr.Drew and your therapist are wrong. Moronically wrong in fact.
WheatusDirtBag Posted June 1, 2010 Posted June 1, 2010 I'm not a parent so I can't comment on the first part. As for the second issue, women and men both feel love differently. I read in article in my school newspaper about relationships that was written by a girl. One thing that stuck out at me was that she said that, "Men tend to fall first, and harder than women do." From my experiences, I can't disagree with her. The breakup usually hurts the man most. The woman by virtue of being a female is able to find a new partner when ever she wants. Though she may end up in an unsatisfying relationship. It usually takes a man a lot longer to find a new person. It's not uncommon for men to go many months between relationships. I've read somewhere that in the vast majority of relationships that ended, it was over because woman ended it. I don't believe that for men love is practical. It's very emotional for me. Men are scared of getting hurt. That's why so many men are afraid of rejection. Very...very...very...WRONG. Actually, I'm not gonna say that. Because I don't know how a man takes breakups/rejection. I'm not a man and I have no idea if what the OP posted is correct/true or not, but a woman/girl can get severely depressed over boys/guys/men in general. I know. I've been there. I think I'm still there. It affects your sleep, your eating habits, your emotions (duh), your mind, your LIFE. I have never even been in a serious relationship, but heart ache can cause you a lot of pain. I have spent the past beginning half of this year either sleeping 17 hours every other night, or staying up 32 hours every other day. I either can't sleep at all, or can't wake up. I have been crying non-stop...and just down right feeling like crap. A girl can get really hurt by even just rejection alone. You men affect us more than you think...and as far as being able to "find a new partner whenever she wants". This is false. Way way way false. Sure, I can join dating sites or jump on any random stranger who sends me a friend request on myspace...if I wanted to be totally stupid and possibly get raped and killed. I could also get into an "unsatisfying relationship" as you so perfectly put it with a man I don't even like/want/am attracted to/or fancy. That would be extremely unsatisfying indeed. In the long run, it would only make me feel worse. Women most definitely ARE very emotional beings and men are definitely a lot more practical. A man would have to be really in love with a woman for him to even care when she cries or gets hurt. I know this from life experience, not from being "conservative", although I would classify myself as more conservative than liberal and to the person who said Dr. Drew is very conservative and traditional...you typed that as if it was a bad thing. lol Nothing wrong with being conservative and traditional. Nothing wrong with it at all. 1
legallyblonde289 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Very...very...very...WRONG. Actually, I'm not gonna say that. Because I don't know how a man takes breakups/rejection. I'm not a man and I have no idea if what the OP posted is correct/true or not, but a woman/girl can get severely depressed over boys/guys/men in general. I know. I've been there. I think I'm still there. It affects your sleep, your eating habits, your emotions (duh), your mind, your LIFE. I have never even been in a serious relationship, but heart ache can cause you a lot of pain. I have spent the past beginning half of this year either sleeping 17 hours every other night, or staying up 32 hours every other day. I either can't sleep at all, or can't wake up. I have been crying non-stop...and just down right feeling like crap. A girl can get really hurt by even just rejection alone. You men affect us more than you think...and as far as being able to "find a new partner whenever she wants". This is false. Way way way false. Sure, I can join dating sites or jump on any random stranger who sends me a friend request on myspace...if I wanted to be totally stupid and possibly get raped and killed. I could also get into an "unsatisfying relationship" as you so perfectly put it with a man I don't even like/want/am attracted to/or fancy. That would be extremely unsatisfying indeed. In the long run, it would only make me feel worse. Women most definitely ARE very emotional beings and men are definitely a lot more practical. A man would have to be really in love with a woman for him to even care when she cries or gets hurt. I know this from life experience, not from being "conservative", although I would classify myself as more conservative than liberal and to the person who said Dr. Drew is very conservative and traditional...you typed that as if it was a bad thing. lol Nothing wrong with being conservative and traditional. Nothing wrong with it at all. cosign 100%. i never understand these posts where guys say women dont get hurt and they can find someone new in 5 seconds (to have sex with sure, if they want to be a hoe but its much harder to find a relationship). every break up i've ever had, whether i was the dumper or dumpee has deeply affected me, some to the point where im crying nonstop, cant sleep or sleep all the time and dont want to get out of bed. women care very deeply and get hurt very deeply, in my experience men usually care less and move on quicker. as for the parent thing, i dont know bc im not a man but i can believe it considering the fact that its quite common for men to abandon their children and some never even give it a second thought, something extremely rare for women. 1
somedude81 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Very...very...very...WRONG. Actually, I'm not gonna say that. Because I don't know how a man takes breakups/rejection. I'm not a man and I have no idea if what the OP posted is correct/true or not, Bolded part pretty much sums it up. I just want to point out, that I never said women don't get hurt. I never said that being able to find quickly find a new partner, takes away the pain. That still doesn't change the fact that if she wanted to get laid to feel better, she could. While most men would not be able to. I'd say a woman having sex right after a break up is like putting a band-aid on a knife wound. It's not going to fix the injury. But at least she gets a band-aid...
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 IMO, love 'styles' are individual, not gender-specific, and evolve over one's lifetime. I think they're a lot less static than one's intrinsic personality and emotional setpoint. They are molded by life and experience. OP, a pertinent question to ask yourself wrt love styles is would you find a man who wasn't practical about love, who didn't define himself by his ability to provide and protect, who opened himself emotionally to the possibilities of elemental connections, to be attractive? Reflect upon that. Like I said, life and experience mold us. Good luck
WheatusDirtBag Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Bolded part pretty much sums it up. I just want to point out, that I never said women don't get hurt. I never said that being able to find quickly find a new partner, takes away the pain. That still doesn't change the fact that if she wanted to get laid to feel better, she could. While most men would not be able to. I'd say a woman having sex right after a break up is like putting a band-aid on a knife wound. It's not going to fix the injury. But at least she gets a band-aid... Don't be so sure about that. None of my guy friends I have in real life talk to me on a regular basis. Once in a blue moon, maybe. The guys that I know in person are the only "potential" guys I could wind up having sex with, and I don't think any of them are interested as well as me not being interested in them. Like I said...I can go online and find anyone. So can guys, though. If they are willing to not care about looks/personality/general compatibility at all. Same thing goes for a woman. Women basically have to either pursue the man and get rejected, or do the traditional thing and wait for a man to come to her and sometimes that doesn't ever happen. Like, ever. Again...speaking from experience here. I also wouldn't consider getting laid by some guy I am not interested in a band aid for a knife wound. I would consider it more like turning the knife. Sex doesn't heal emotional pain, in fact, it can cause more if you have it for the wrong reasons. But thanks for proving how much men think about sex more and view sex differently than women and how important it is for a man to have sex. I was told flat out by the guy that I like that he doesn't wanna be married until he's 30 at the earliest and that he just wants someone to "put it into". A woman would most likely not say that. Or at least...I certainly wouldn't.
Els Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 C'mon, somedude. I'm sure you know that an unsuitable partner is no better than no partner at all. Would you really rather be in a relationship with someone you didn't love than in none? Women may have more options, especially for easy sex, but it's just as difficult for them to find a good R.
carhill Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Perhaps part of a man's 'practicality' is driven by the understanding that a woman's affection, sincerely given, doesn't come along that often, so he necessarily engages more on an intellectual, rather than emotional, plane. Having been a erstwhile validator of female ego many times in life, it appears women don't have the same impetus, as they use their sexual power to extract the validation (for sake of discussion, 'feeling loved'), even in the absence of sex itself, that they desire, whether situationally (as I've experienced many times, especially with married women) or globally. IOW, their sexual power obviates the need to minimize or mitigate their emotional perspective on love in favor of a more practical and intellectual one. For the male, where feeling loved (and loving in an equal dynamic) can be a relative mirage in the desert, he perhaps adopts a pragmatic perspective out of fear or out of the defense of his equally viable and important emotional perspective and center. I'm finding, as I age, that this is more true. I'm more open and emotional with men and more closed, circumspect and 'practical' with women. My experiences with both have changed me.
legallyblonde289 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 Bolded part pretty much sums it up. I just want to point out, that I never said women don't get hurt. I never said that being able to find quickly find a new partner, takes away the pain. That still doesn't change the fact that if she wanted to get laid to feel better, she could. While most men would not be able to. I'd say a woman having sex right after a break up is like putting a band-aid on a knife wound. It's not going to fix the injury. But at least she gets a band-aid... the thing is, for a lot of women, myself included, having sex after a breakup isnt even a bandaid. it doesnt take away the pain.
Recommended Posts