When the Woman is More Dominant

[Ever Black]

Do you feel a relationship can be successful if the woman is the more dominant personality? By dominant, I don't mean controlling. I mean the one more likely to take charge, lead, communicate, sort out problems in the relationship or steer the ship.

 

It's traditional and expected for the man to predominately take this role in a partnership. However, I find that in most of my relationships, I fall in this "masculine" role, while my partner is more submissive. I am naturally an assertive person, but I don't always want to take that role with my partner. I do like some traditional male and female dynamics to take place now and then.

 

Any experiences from others in a relationship with similar dynamics? How has it worked out so far? Over time?

 

I posted here because I couldn't find any other forum suitable for this - for long-term relationships that aren't in a married status.

[MrNate]

I figured this time would come. I just want to say, I have no problem being a stay-at-home dad.

 

 

None whatsoever.

[MisUnderstanding]

Do you feel a relationship can be successful if the woman is the more dominant personality? By dominant, I don't mean controlling. I mean the one more likely to take charge, lead, communicate, sort out problems in the relationship or steer the ship.

 

It's traditional and expected for the man to predominately take this role in a partnership. However, I find that in most of my relationships, I fall in this "masculine" role, while my partner is more submissive. I am naturally an assertive person, but I don't always want to take that role with my partner. I do like some traditional male and female dynamics to take place now and then.

 

Any experiences from others in a relationship with similar dynamics? How has it worked out so far? Over time?

 

I posted here because I couldn't find any other forum suitable for this - for long-term relationships that aren't in a married status.

 

Of course this kind of relationship can be successful. There are many men out there who are followers, not leaders, and that is totally ok as long as they find the woman who will lead. I know someone who is happily married to a dominant woman and he is enjoying every second of it. There are a lot of women who would love to lead and there is nothing wrong with role reversal as long as both are happy.

[norajane]

I am naturally an assertive person, but I don't always want to take that role with my partner.

This is what can kill that kind of relationship.

 

One of my earliest relationships was with a guy who was less assertive. I adored him at first because he was my romantic poet - fantastic imagination and very smart guy. I come from an immigrant family that is loud and assertive and emotional, and our family history is that of people who fight to survive and succeed. I also grew up to be very capable because I frequently had to help my immigrant parents figure things out because of their language and cultural barriers.

 

At first, everything was lovely. We got along well, and we complemented each other. But we were still in college. After, when we were out in the "real world" and lived together, the cracks appeared. I became so very frustrated and resentful that I was the one who had to carry the load in terms of making the practical details of our lives go smoothly. And I realized that he wasn't someone I could rely on to "take care of me" or "take care of things" should I need him to be the strong, assertive one. This did not make me happy, and the relationship ended.

 

Now, his parents were a different story. His dad was a minister, mild-tempered and generally soft-spoken, but a disaster at the more practical matters and made few decisions. His mom was the more dominant of the two, which was necessary to manage their finances and keep their home running and raise 4 children. She had a lot of respect and trust in him, and he felt the same way about her. For them, the dynamics worked beautifully.

 

It really needs to be a partnership, with both people contributing important things that keep the relationship and your lives on track. The woman being more dominant can work, but she has to feel he's able to bring something to her life that she very much needs and appreciates and respects, and vice-versa.

[jthorne]

Hmmm, this is an interesting question. I've never considered myself dominant, but I have considered myself very independent. I was raised to be responsible for myself, speak up for myself, make my own decisions, not rely on anyone much less a man for anything. Maybe that makes me dominant, I dunno. I don't think my SO sees me as dominant, he sees me as independent, and he loves that about me. He is FAR from submissive. I do realize that there are many men out there that WOULD see me as dominant, though.

 

That being said, we both know that we have strenghts and weaknesses. I make decisions about some things, other things I don't know that much about, I rely on him for his expertise. He values what I bring to the table, and I value what he brings. But we both bring something different.

 

There are some people that like the leader/follower scenario, and it works for them and their personalities are suited to it. My personality definitely does not.

[Morals]

Actually I think it's very possible to work out.

 

You can't have two followers in a relationship, nothing would ever get done. At the same time you can't have two leaders, because then you would constantly be at odds with each other.

 

Maybe the "main" role in your situation would be relegated to you, the woman, and the man would take a more submissive role. That doesn't mean he ALWAYS acts that way though.

 

Throughout a relationship roles change, people change, and occasionally you will see the man take up the mantle of leader for a few occassions. The same goes for a woman. Occasionally people will need to play to their strengths, and a relationship is a team of strengths. Whoever has that strength takes the lead. It may be for a long time, it may be very brief. But the point is, you can't have the same role going on at the same time.

 

I think that's why you see them fail. A woman gets resentful that her man isn't taking the lead, even though at first she enjoyed it. I'm willing to be she took a submissive role at one point, and expected him to come to bat, and he didn't. Sometimes these situations require more communication, sometimes they require more signals. Remember, men AND women aren't mind readers. The best way to keep a relationship going is communication, the one thing that most relationships lack today.

[Ruby Slippers]

It depends on the individuals. I think it's best when there is a reasonable balance. One person can't always carry everything.

[Eve]

Do you feel a relationship can be successful if the woman is the more dominant personality? By dominant, I don't mean controlling. I mean the one more likely to take charge, lead, communicate, sort out problems in the relationship or steer the ship.

 

It's traditional and expected for the man to predominately take this role in a partnership. However, I find that in most of my relationships, I fall in this "masculine" role, while my partner is more submissive. I am naturally an assertive person, but I don't always want to take that role with my partner. I do like some traditional male and female dynamics to take place now and then.

 

Any experiences from others in a relationship with similar dynamics? How has it worked out so far? Over time?

 

I posted here because I couldn't find any other forum suitable for this - for long-term relationships that aren't in a married status.

 

Hope its ok for me to answer, even though I am married. The question just struck a cord in me.

 

I can relate in terms of the fact that I am the lead in the family on emotional issues. I have found my Husband to be quite happy to sit with his boxers on in front of the TV and ignore most familial emotional hurdles..

 

We kind of share all the other stuff but I am the one to make sure that things get finished.. I wouldnt like to think of this as being controlling but can see how Hubbys ex became controlling within their former relationship. The man doesnt seem to care unless anything serious happens such as the 'what are we having for dinner' question takes too long to get worked out..

 

I just figured that all men are a bit like this..

 

Former relationships that I have had have all played out to this dynamic. I left because they were not forthcoming on pulling their weight within decisions or were twats..

 

Hubby is traditional in the 'keeping everyone safe' type of way. Although he doesnt show emotions in the same way as me he speaks to the children in a different way that gets to the heart of things. For example, he can bust their devious plans better than me. He is one step ahead of them, whereas sometimes I can be easier to get around.

 

Overall, I think that I am the center of the family but Hubby kind of steps in every now and then to back me up... when he has to.

 

I think I will keep him though because we have a knack of being stronger for the other when they are weak.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ever Black]

 

I think that's why you see them fail. A woman gets resentful that her man isn't taking the lead, even though at first she enjoyed it. I'm willing to be she took a submissive role at one point, and expected him to come to bat, and he didn't. Sometimes these situations require more communication, sometimes they require more signals. Remember, men AND women aren't mind readers. The best way to keep a relationship going is communication, the one thing that most relationships lack today.

 

Well, in my case, I am the one who is quite assertive and outright with communication. He grew up in a family environment where open line of communication wasn't nurtured but met with disdain and resentment. His mother is very dominant, but in a controlling and manipulative way and she keeps the household walking on eggshells most of the time.

 

Even with that, she (along with everyone else in the house) doesn't address conflict directly if it happens. People talk behind each others backs and my partner was usually the one expected to "deliver messages" rather than there being a face-to-face confrontation.

 

So my partner hates conflict and he gets uncomfortable with putting things out on the table and getting very honest about his emotions. He has a lot of fear with the "consequences" of being direct and open. We've had some big issues with this in the last couple of years on and off. During times of our own conflict and breakdowns, he didn't come through, and it was I who asserted to try to get the relationship back on track, even after an online indiscretion he committed, urging him to always communicate and tell me what he was/is feeling.

 

He now realizes the problems and breach of trust that he's caused from keeping his feelings hidden and reserved and he's been slowly trying more and more to open up and address things when they need to be, but even now, he still says it's not a natural and comfortable role for him take, although he does it because he cares for me and knows that the consequences of NOT communicating far outweigh anything he fears as a result of opening up.

 

I give him credit for trying and getting better, but I still worry about future issues, what he'll be like when conflict happens again for any reason. I can't always be the one holding the fort or trying to solve problems because I'm not afraid to address issues head on. I sometimes want that security too from a partner, too.

 

I tend to be -very- big on communication and huge on emotional honesty.

[Ever Black]

Hope its ok for me to answer, even though I am married. The question just struck a cord in me.

 

I can relate in terms of the fact that I am the lead in the family on emotional issues. I have found my Husband to be quite happy to sit with his boxers on in front of the TV and ignore most familial emotional hurdles..

 

We kind of share all the other stuff but I am the one to make sure that things get finished.. I wouldnt like to think of this as being controlling but can see how Hubbys ex became controlling within their former relationship. The man doesnt seem to care unless anything serious happens such as the 'what are we having for dinner' question takes too long to get worked out..

 

I just figured that all men are a bit like this..

 

Former relationships that I have had have all played out to this dynamic. I left because they were not forthcoming on pulling their weight within decisions or were twats..

 

Hubby is traditional in the 'keeping everyone safe' type of way. Although he doesnt show emotions in the same way as me he speaks to the children in a different way that gets to the heart of things. For example, he can bust their devious plans better than me. He is one step ahead of them, whereas sometimes I can be easier to get around.

 

Overall, I think that I am the center of the family but Hubby kind of steps in every now and then to back me up... when he has to.

 

I think I will keep him though because we have a knack of being stronger for the other when they are weak.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Sounds like you two have kind of good balance though and that your spouse is someone who is more laid back and calmer by nature? Or perhaps "strong silent type"? Also seems that you two balance each other out.

 

I think it is good he at least will back you up, get to the heart of things when need be, and that when push comes to shove, he'll get things done and address them accordingly. Those are definitely good dynamics.