MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 So I just started seeing this guy, been on a few dates. Every date was awesome. But he constantly wants time for himself. We've only been seeing each other no more than once or twice a week. There are no lengthy calls or texting in between, maybe once a day. Does he really need time or he's scared things are happening too fast, or something else I am missing? He's not a big talker so I have to reserve to guessing.
USMCHokie Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Oftentimes, especially if the guy is attractive or a great catch, "time for himself" = time dating other women. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing each other once or even twice a week in the early stages of dating...and in my opinion, at this stage, calling and texting between dates should only be done to arrange/confirm the next date...there's no need for lame "hi, how are you" texts every day...
Ronni_W Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 We've only been seeing each other no more than once or twice a week. There are no lengthy calls or texting in between, maybe once a day. Sounds like he is independent and self-reliant -- it's a good thing! Your alternative is to have latched on to some guy who is needy, dependent and willing to act like a doormat for your every whim and desire -- you know, the type who, sooner than later is gonna try to either smother or control you, or do that dance where's he's either chasing you or running away from you. Believe me, you got it good with this one. Love and appreciate him for his independence and self-reliance. For those who need to see it in print: Yes, same message if the genders were reversed. Do not settle for needy doormats, whether you're a girl OR a guy. (Also beware of anyone who wants you to act like that.)
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Oftentimes, especially if the guy is attractive or a great catch, "time for himself" = time dating other women. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing each other once or even twice a week in the early stages of dating...and in my opinion, at this stage, calling and texting between dates should only be done to arrange/confirm the next date...there's no need for lame "hi, how are you" texts every day... Pretty sure he isn't dating others. I don't do lame texting either, usually like you said to arrange/confirm the date. Maybe I am being paranoid. Everything I ever experienced before him was more involved I guess. More than once a week. Somehow I feel he is setting up guidelines of how often we should see each other, rather than how often we feel. What would be an indication of that?
Serenitynow Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 If the guy shows her too much attention she will not want him around if the guy doesn't show enough, then she second guesses his interest its ALWAYS a no win situation for guys. Is it ever possible to satisfy a women ?
Morals Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 So I just started seeing this guy, been on a few dates. Every date was awesome. But he constantly wants time for himself. We've only been seeing each other no more than once or twice a week. There are no lengthy calls or texting in between, maybe once a day. Does he really need time or he's scared things are happening too fast, or something else I am missing? He's not a big talker so I have to reserve to guessing. There are some people out there, who get used to being by themselves. They actually have a happiness with being by themselves. Don't mistake the fact they are happy being alone, as a lack of wanting a relationship. It's just that, if you are happy being alone, then you know you won't need someone else as an emotional crutch in your life. If I were you, I'd be happy that you are in this situation. Most people aren't content with being alone, if he is that means he is probably emotionally stable. Also he realizes that even in long term relationships, being alone is healthy. It gives you time away from the other person, it makes you "want" them. If you are inundated with something, do you want to see it? Or does it become mundane to you? Creating alone time, time away from wife/girlfriend/fiance/boyfriend/whatever....gives you time to think about them in a different context. It brings reality into the picture and allows you a moment to really take in the entire scene and see what is going on.
crimsonmike Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 If the guy shows her too much attention she will not want him around if the guy doesn't show enough, then she second guesses his interest its ALWAYS a no win situation for guys. Is it ever possible to satisfy a women ? Uhhhhhh...no. You just now figuring this out?
USMCHokie Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Pretty sure he isn't dating others. I don't do lame texting either, usually like you said to arrange/confirm the date. Maybe I am being paranoid. Everything I ever experienced before him was more involved I guess. More than once a week. Somehow I feel he is setting up guidelines of how often we should see each other, rather than how often we feel. What would be an indication of that? Fair enough. Even if it's just you he's seeing, once or twice a week is still plenty of time with each other at this stage of the game. In my experience, too much too soon, even if it feels completely natural and not rushed, is a dangerous situation...but to each his or her own... Why don't you ask him out on occasion?
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 There are some people out there, who get used to being by themselves. They actually have a happiness with being by themselves. Don't mistake the fact they are happy being alone, as a lack of wanting a relationship. It's just that, if you are happy being alone, then you know you won't need someone else as an emotional crutch in your life. If I were you, I'd be happy that you are in this situation. Most people aren't content with being alone, if he is that means he is probably emotionally stable. Also he realizes that even in long term relationships, being alone is healthy. It gives you time away from the other person, it makes you "want" them. If you are inundated with something, do you want to see it? Or does it become mundane to you? Creating alone time, time away from wife/girlfriend/fiance/boyfriend/whatever....gives you time to think about them in a different context. It brings reality into the picture and allows you a moment to really take in the entire scene and see what is going on. Ok, don't get me wrong here, I am not asking for 7 days a week. But more like 2-3 times a week. I agree with needing time for yourself, I need that time too. I guess it's a new perspective for me to look at that he's just used to being alone for a long time. He will come out of it right? I wouldn't want it to always be once a week.
CLC2008 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Ok, don't get me wrong here, I am not asking for 7 days a week. But more like 2-3 times a week. I agree with needing time for yourself, I need that time too. I guess it's a new perspective for me to look at that he's just used to being alone for a long time. He will come out of it right? I wouldn't want it to always be once a week. I don't think you're asking for much. I think 2-3 times a week is a good pace in the beginning.
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Fair enough. Even if it's just you he's seeing, once or twice a week is still plenty of time with each other at this stage of the game. In my experience, too much too soon, even if it feels completely natural and not rushed, is a dangerous situation...but to each his or her own... Why don't you ask him out on occasion? I do ask him out in the matter of fact. So you said even if it feels natural too much too soon is dangerous. So what do you then? Do you reject dates, not ask as often, enforce rules on youself?
USMCHokie Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 I do ask him out in the matter of fact. So you said even if it feels natural too much too soon is dangerous. So what do you then? Do you reject dates, not ask as often, enforce rules on youself? That is good. For me personally, when I start feeling that it's becoming too much too soon, it means that I'm not doing enough on my own or with my friends. I would never reject a date, but I'd try to fill my schedule with other things...I'm NOT doing this to play stupid games and be "less available" (I f'in hate games...), but to ensure that I maintain my own independence and identity... In my last serious relationship, I had spend way too much time with my ex...every spare moment I had was with her...eventually, we both lost track of ourselves and the relationship was all we were about...she wasn't happy anymore, and although I didn't realize it at the time, my life outside of the relationship was practically going to sh*t... So there is no need to consciously play games...legitimately make time for yourself, and everything else will naturally fall into place...as you date the guy more, you'll probably make each other a higher priority in your life and consequently see each other more often...
brainygirl Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Does he want time for himself during the date? or is he saying you want to meet up too frequently? The first is weird, the second means back off and see if he approaches you.
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Does he want time for himself during the date? or is he saying you want to meet up too frequently? The first is weird, the second means back off and see if he approaches you. No, he does not ask for time during the date, it would be weird yes. The dates are always about me, him, and us together. He never explicitly said that I want to meet up too frequently, he just steers conversation about arranging a date towards later time. If I ask what he's planning to do, then it's just some resting and relaxing at home usually. So maybe previous posters were right, he is too used to being by himself. I really like him, his type is definitely something new to me, I should tell myself more to be patient with him, he looks like he's worth it.
brainygirl Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 No, he does not ask for time during the date, it would be weird yes. The dates are always about me, him, and us together. He never explicitly said that I want to meet up too frequently, he just steers conversation about arranging a date towards later time. If I ask what he's planning to do, then it's just some resting and relaxing at home usually. So maybe previous posters were right, he is too used to being by himself. I really like him, his type is definitely something new to me, I should tell myself more to be patient with him, he looks like he's worth it. I'd back off a bit. I know I have to check my enthusiasm for a guy when I am into him because I tend to thing if a little of him is a good thing, a lot is a great thing. Guys aren't like that and can spook easily.
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Spook? Really? Why can't men (or women) just open their mouth and say "I think we're seeing each other too often, I like you but lets cool off a bit". No too hard? I see here both men and women trying to guess the behavior of others. And then if you ask them a straight questions you are considered needy and clingy just for wanting to know where they stand. wth? And then we end up on this forum looking for symptoms that others experienced.
Ronni_W Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Why can't men (or women) just open their mouth and say "I think we're seeing each other too often, I like you but lets cool off a bit". No too hard? I see here both men and women trying to guess the behavior of others. Have you brought this up with him? (If you mentioned having done that, I do apologize that I've missed it.) Cos if you haven't raised it with him openly, honestly and specifically...then the guy obviously does not that you're having any difficulty at all. I totally agree with you, though -- we ought not assume or try to guess; being direct at least brings answers...even if they are not the ones we would have preferred to hear. (Maybe it's a fear of that, that stops us from having our important/difficult convos?)
florence of suburbia Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 He will come out of it right? I wouldn't want it to always be once a week. Not necessarily. Once a week may be his comfort level.
Author MisUnderstanding Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Have you brought this up with him? (If you mentioned having done that, I do apologize that I've missed it.) Cos if you haven't raised it with him openly, honestly and specifically...then the guy obviously does not that you're having any difficulty at all. I totally agree with you, though -- we ought not assume or try to guess; being direct at least brings answers...even if they are not the ones we would have preferred to hear. (Maybe it's a fear of that, that stops us from having our important/difficult convos?) I have not brought it up. The fear is that if I do bring up his feeling about it may change because it was brought up. I should probably think of a better question that doesn't make it sound desperate because I'm not.
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