StarrXdLvr Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 Until last week, my ex and I hadn't spoken in several months. I broke it off with him quite nastily, basically sending him a "F**k you" email and telling him not to contact me anymore (he screwed up bigtime! No cheating though). He obliged and we had no contact for 7 months. The last few weeks I've been missing him desperately, and decided to apologize for the way I acted so that we could mend fences. He forgave me, although he informed me that he's seeing someone, and we've talked a few times since then. The most significant talk was the one we had yesterday- we spoke on the phone for 4 hours! His girlfriend actually went psycho on me over the weekend and called me several times after seeing my number on his caller ID. They had a big fight about that, and apparently had been fighting the week before I even contacted him about similar issues, namely her insecurities and violation of his privacy (hacking his email, checking his call log, etc.). I was never home when she called and she didn't leave msgs, so I just told him she called and left it at that. Our talk yesterday was an eye opener. In addition to telling me lots of details about the problems they've been having, he also told me how much he misses me, how close he still feels to me, that he has unresolved feelings, etc. He admitted that he made mistakes and had learned a lot from our relationship. But when I tried to get him to meet me for coffee/drinks, he declined, saying that it would be entirely too tempting. I asked him did he even remember what I looked like and he said in a very suggestive tone, "There's no way I would ever forget that." Unfortunately for me (I wanted to see him soooo bad), he also said that it wouldn't be fair to her and he had a lot of things to work out/decisions to make in the next few weeks about their relationship. He said that he would make that decision based on the merits of them being together though, not his feelings about me. He also asked me to give him some space so that he could work it all out without being "influenced" by a third party (me). I agreed, and we later went on to talk about everything under the sun- our past, soulmates, work stuff, random happenings, etc. We both admitted that it felt soooo good to talk to each other and that we missed that connection. There were several "flirty" moments throughout the conversation. I should mention that this current girlfriend is actually an ex of his- they were engaged at one point several years ago, she cheated, they eventually rekindled the friendship, but he moved on to other women over the years, including me. I asked him how they managed to get back together and he said that basically after our breakup she made herself available to him (nothing new here- she chased him under the premise of being "friends" throughout our relationship), wanted to give it another shot, and he agreed. He actually used the word "obligated" during this discussion. He sounded fed up and frustrated with her and their problems, but also seemed to demonstrate a commitment to resolving things with her one way or another before even thinking about moving on to something/someone else (me). What can I say? He's a noble guy. So now what do I do? I am respecting his request for space, hoping his obvious residual feelings for me coupled with their problems bodes well for a possible reconciliation. I think about him all day, every day, and feel like I'm sitting on the edge of cliff waiting for something to happen. I refuse to put my life on hold while he's making up his mind about what to do, but I can't help but feel hopeful. What kind of timeline am I looking at? I know that either he'll get in touch with me or he won't, but this is driving me crazy!!!!! Advice needed. Thanks!
bicylejunk Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 one thing that bugs me is that you told him to **** Off. That doesn't seem very loving, What did he do to deserve that? Another thing is, Is there a lot of fighting in your past? Arguing? I mean, Think long and hard about it. Is a reconcile a really smart move? IS he really the man for you? What does he do for you? Can it work Long Term? I just think you should ask yourself those questions in order to avoid pain and suffering in the future, or even now.
Author StarrXdLvr Posted January 27, 2004 Author Posted January 27, 2004 I didn't actually say that. I meant that was more like the "tone" of my email. I was verrrrrry angry with him. We had been fighting a lot the 2 weeks prior to that (I was insecure about his relationships with one of his female friends and hacked his email- not cool), and the straw that broke the camel's back was that he went out of town on a business trip for over a week without telling me. His excuse? He told me about the trip months before that, but forgot to give me the dates. He has a cell phone, so that didn't fly with me. I wanted to know why he was MIA for 10 days, he was only in FL, that even though we were really mad at each other he still shouldn't have disappeared on me, etc. He was kind of non-responsive and I threw a tantrum. Weeks worth of frustration just kind of built up into that. I know I was wrong and that's why I apologized, albeit 7 months later. He admitted that he screwed up too and shut down communication, and that was wrong of him. He also said he thought I hated his guts after that and that's why he didn't contact me- he wanted to respect my request to leave me alone. We both laughed about how stubborn we are and that we've screwed ourselves over numerous times in life because of that (hint, hint)... That's about all she wrote about my motivations for the email. But in hindsight, he really was the best of boyfriends 99% of the time, and a lot of my own faults and insecurities contributed to our breakup. He says the same about himself. I think we've both grown enough to make a conscious effort to overcome that in the event of a future reconciliation.
bicylejunk Posted January 28, 2004 Posted January 28, 2004 I hope you guys have grown. I just know that I would've never left town without telling my girl, even If i knew she already knew about it. You at least say goodbye and you call to keep in touch. If there are too many things that you both have done to each other that aren't cool, Who's to say that you won't do them again? If you're going to be insecure and hack in his email again down the road, Don't go thru with a reconcile now. I'm just saying, Make sure the bads don't outweigh the goods before you get back together and not to put you down, But just make sure you really do want him and Don't just want him because he's convenient or a Comfort zone.
Author StarrXdLvr Posted January 28, 2004 Author Posted January 28, 2004 Thank you! I know that I didn't overreact to that- it was a huge deal to me that he would just leave town without telling me, and not return any of the 5 or so voicemails I left him over that week and a half. I didn't buy his B.S. excuses either, and was extremely pissed off. That being said, I know that I handled it wrong. I said so many horrible things in that email- frankly, I'm surprised he's forgiven me! The advice I mainly wanted though, was how to deal with this love triangle thing. I'll be devastated if he decides to stay with her after giving me such hope that we could work things out. I definitely think I'm the better option- that chick is truly nuts! I guess I'll just wait and see, and enforce no contact. It's hard, I feel like I'm going thru withdrawal, but that's what he wanted, and it's probably best for us both. He needs the time to make the right decision, and I want him to miss me- I can't do that if I don't allow myself to be missed.
lost_in_chgo Posted January 28, 2004 Posted January 28, 2004 Sounds like a plan. Give him time to end his relationship before starting up again. You've let him know you are out there. Now wait. If you start too early you could be in a never-ending ping pong game with the other woman.
Kanuk Posted January 29, 2004 Posted January 29, 2004 Wow, i hope one day my ex thinks like you do. I want her back desperatly, but she broke things off with me quite nastily. From what i hear, she's going on about he rlife like we never even dated at all. Is that how you delt with it? I know that no 2 cases are alike, but I'm hoping for things that I probably shouldn't even consider as possibilities. But if it happened to you, why can't it happen to me. Sorry as i can't offer any advice for you, i just seem to screw up everything relationship related.
Author StarrXdLvr Posted February 2, 2004 Author Posted February 2, 2004 It depends on what you did that caused her to break up with you that way! It also depends on what she's like as a person. I'm quick to anger, but also quick to forgive. Truthfully, what kept me from feeling this way sooner is stubborness and a determination to have "the last word". I'm also the kind of person that can look back and recognize their own mistakes, and own up to them. So, while my ex wasn't faultless, I contributed to the situation too, and was able to forgive both him AND myself. As someone who's been both the pursuer of an ex and the pursuee, here's my advice: You get one call for closure if it's been more than 3 months. You don't want to look pressed though, so wait until after V-day. Call when you know she won't be home so that you leave the ball in her court. Leave a brief msg along the lines of "Hey, this is Kanuk, I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. I hope that things are going ok for you and that life is treating you well. I'm doing great. If you want to talk, here's my number. If not, that's cool too, and I wish you all the best. Take care. Bye" That's it. If there's even the slightest, teeniest, weensiest chance that she still cares and could have a change of heart, she'll call back or email you. If not, she won't. If she doesn't, accept it and move on. I have found that letting go and releasing it to the universe (that sounds so flaky but it's true) makes things happen if it's meant to be. Good luck.
Author StarrXdLvr Posted February 2, 2004 Author Posted February 2, 2004 UPDATE: Well, it's been a week since we talked and I've upheld the law of no-contact. Boy has it been hard! BUT... Last night during the Superbowl, someone called me from his work # and hung up after 2 rings. It was either a) Him. But why would he do that? b) Her. Maybe they swung past his job on their way out somewhere and she decided to play more games and call me from his office. It fits her MO since she's done it before. c) Some random person who accidentally called by pressing my number on his call log. I find that Scenario B is most likely. He had no reason to call from his office and then hang up. It makes him look like a loser for not having Superbowl plans and/or for punking out and hanging up. It was probably her- she either scanned his office phone's call log and saw that he called me a week ago and did it to play games, or she just wanted to see if I would pick up since she was calling from his #. I don't think it was some random person because who goes into their office on Superbowl Sunday? My ex only goes to the office on the weekends if he forgot something or slacked during the week and needs to make up some work, but I'd like to think most sane people try to stay away during their free time. I think this is a win-win situation for me regardless. If it was him, he's thinking about me, which is GREAT! If it was her, she's thinking about me, which is still great because it's either still an issue between them or she's so insecure that she's going to be her own worst enemy. And if was a random person, it's STILL great because even the mere possibility that it was a random person and that calling him would make me look like a fool is keeping me from calling, thereby upholding the principle of no-contact. I think I've got this thing in the bag.
Author StarrXdLvr Posted February 18, 2004 Author Posted February 18, 2004 UPDATE #2: Second chances do happen. My ex and I are planning to meet for lunch this week. There's a lot more to the story, and I won't bore you with the extreme details unless asked. Too much information to convey in one post. One huge thing- he told me he still loves me. We are trying the "friends" approach at the moment, but "it" is still there. Lunch should be interesting. Keep the faith.
Kanuk Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Wow... how fortunate for you. I hope one day my ex thinks like that. Cause as of now, even though I'm not slightly involved with someone (not very seriously, but could be called dating), I still want her back. Some people have all the luck. I've yet to receieve a second chance in my life. Well, at least not an outright one that I've know of. I'm sure there's always those ones you don't know about. Like the ex gave you a chance without telling you they were giving you a chance sort of deal. Who knows. Best of luck and keep us updated
Pretteangel Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Second chances are great if it is truly out of love. I see way to many red fags here in your drama wow. An ex is an ex for a reason!
lost_in_chgo Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 yes, but sometime the reason doesn't have anything to do with you. It's just a need for space etc.
determined Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 How long have you guys been split up for?
buran Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 Dear StarrXdLvr, I have a similar situation with you. What I want to say is, please go on with your positive attitude and pray for your love. It's very nice to hear such positive things in these forums. Bye
The flower girl Posted February 21, 2004 Posted February 21, 2004 What!!!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and NO! This is just wrong, you cannot just play games with people! Oh my gosh! IM so not saying anything more because IM sure you would not want to hear my advice, but all I can say is if he's seeing someone and coming back to you how do you know he wont do the same back to you in seven months! eeekkkk! that would put me of allot, and also I would never want to hurt anyone, so I would wait until it was over before going there or make him call it off before I even met him for lunch! For what ever reason and what ever they have done I believe every one in this world deserves respect. I dont think making a pass at someone is respectful to his girlfriend, him — or yourself! That's all I have to say! I know, you wont like it, but regardless that's what IM about. One a lighter note, best of luck! I hope sincerely hope the favour is not returned to you one day. Flower
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