cabarc1 Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 I'm so glad someone posted this! Having recently met a guy, i wonder the same thing about when it's "too soon". I personally feel like i have to be in a committed relationship before having sex......
Feelin Frisky Posted June 4, 2010 Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) Make out and go home with blue balls on the first date. The second date will tell you if she really wants you. Having sex on the first date is , in my experience, not a good idea. You don't have the chance to find out anything before you've crossed a the magic line that sort of makes you the bad guy in the mind of someone whose psyche may take a long time to reveal complexes that make a relationship a potential disaster. This is not to say that waiting until the second date is going to reveal everything you really need to know, but the leap from just kissing on a first date to waiting say, a week and then having all out sex if it is in the cards, can do a lot. It can make you look more gentlemanly even though you may just be more interested in avoiding entanglements with partners that turn out to have "complexes" you'll wind up driving yourself nuts trying to figure out--things that didn't start with you that you can't apply logic to because logic is the glue in the flypaper that snares you into a "complex" you can't fix. If a chick acts like she can't wait and starts to get hostile because you set policy not to go all the way on the first date tells you that already something is complex about her psyche. She will be showing you a card that says you have a dominant on your hands. Making it clear that it's your personal policy not to go all the way so soon, shows that you have some balls and sense at the same time. You need to show that you have a dominant side and don't just give in to the moment or it's not a real beginning--it's an encounter in which some commitments may be taken for granted that you didn't intend. Hint: Glen Close. If a woman seems like she really wants YOU and may have for some time before you actually dated, a week can tell you a lot and give you an out, say, if you limited your first date to a little physicality--kissing, petting. You will not appear guilty of taking and dumping if you didn't think she was "all that". Edited June 4, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
iheartlavalamps Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 In the long run, for the most part it won't matter. It's all in our heads. For example, I do my best to not have sex with a man I don't love. I figure if he doesn't have my love, he probably shouldn't have my body (all of it), either. However, I look back on my life, and I realize that the guy I lost my virginity to was someone that I didn't truly love, I only thought I did. So my logic was messed up from the beginning. It's really all about stigma, I think, and I have kind of odd stigmas about sex and etc. For instance, if it's a man I'm really into, I make him wait for stuff. I'll kiss him, and I'll let him grab the butt, but everything else he has to wait for. And when I feel like he's waited long enough, I'll let him. However, if it's someone that I know isn't going to last anyway, I'll go as far as I ever intend to go with him the first or second time we get together. Because he doesn't really matter, so it doesn't matter. The guys I explain that to always say the same thing: "you let the guys who don't mean anything get farther than the ones you really like?" And they never get it.
ADF Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 (edited) For instance, if it's a man I'm really into, I make him wait for stuff. I'll kiss him, and I'll let him grab the butt, but everything else he has to wait for. And when I feel like he's waited long enough, I'll let him. However, if it's someone that I know isn't going to last anyway, I'll go as far as I ever intend to go with him the first or second time we get together. Because he doesn't really matter, so it doesn't matter. Forgive me, but this is exactly the WRONG thing to do. This is the kind of behavior that leads men to conclude that the best strategy for attracting women is to be a total jerk. The man you really care for is made to wait; the guy you don't like as much gets into your bed sooner. You reward the man you like LESS with sex, while making the men say supposedly like more wait longer. This is the exact opposite of what it should be. No wonder so many men conclude that being a jerk is the way to go. Edited June 5, 2010 by ADF
iheartlavalamps Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Forgive me, but this is exactly the WRONG thing to do. This is the kind of behavior that leads men to conclude that the best strategy for attracting women is to be a total jerk. The man you really care for is made to wait; the guy you don't like as much gets into your bed sooner. You reward the man you like LESS with sex, while making the men say supposedly like more wait longer. This is the exact opposite of what it should be. No wonder so many men conclude that being a jerk is the way to go. I never said it was the best (or even good at all) thing to do. It's just the mentality. You're completely correct, it's not right at all. But at the time, here's how it gets thought out. . . It doesn't really matter how long we wait, if it's going to work out it will, if not, waiting won't change that. So in that regard, it doesn't matter, and you're hooking up with someone you barely know and it doesn't seem to matter. Then, next month you meet someone and you're like "I don't want them to think I'm THAT easy, I like them, this could go somewhere, I want to be more than JUST a booty call" So I end up waiting. The first guy, that's what I am - a booty call, so I act like one. (that sounded so trampy. . . I swear I'm not the ho I sound like right now!)
ADF Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 I never said it was the best (or even good at all) thing to do. It's just the mentality. You're completely correct, it's not right at all. But at the time, here's how it gets thought out. . . It doesn't really matter how long we wait, if it's going to work out it will, if not, waiting won't change that. So in that regard, it doesn't matter, and you're hooking up with someone you barely know and it doesn't seem to matter. Then, next month you meet someone and you're like "I don't want them to think I'm THAT easy, I like them, this could go somewhere, I want to be more than JUST a booty call" So I end up waiting. The first guy, that's what I am - a booty call, so I act like one. (that sounded so trampy. . . I swear I'm not the ho I sound like right now!) I am not calling you a "ho," and I understand the logic behind what you're saying. However, a man hearing that logic is likely to conclude that it is in his best interests not to treat you too well if he expects to sleep with you any time soon. All men--whether they see you as a "booty call" or a serious partner--want to sleep with you asap. I promise you that. The logic of your behavior privileges those looking for the the booty and punishes the ones looking for something more serious. That is all I am saying.
OceanTropic Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 Yes. If I date a guy who wants to sleep together on the first date, that just shows his intentions. Big turn off, and I don't wanna be with a guy like that. If a guy waits until he feels it is right, or simply waits because he wants the girl to be comfortable first, then it shows he is genuine, and that he cares not just about him getting his but you being okay with it. If a guy wants to sleep with me too soon, it means he wants to sleep with every girl he dates, on the first date. He just wants a lay. Guys think the same, if a girl gives up too easy, then she isn't worth much, it means any guy can easily get her into bed, and thats a big turn off. It really depends though, I slept with my ex after 4 months, but with my current bf after 3 weeks...so it really depends. Do what feels right.
EmeraldHeart Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 It honestly depends on the 2 people involved. The only thing I have set in place for sure, is that the guy has to be STD tested before I am having sex and we have to only be seeing one another. I get tested as well. I have gone out 6 times in the past 6 weeks the the current fella I am seeing. We have made out...he has performed oral on me, which I didn't expect to happen because he knows I won't go down on him until STD testing results. It can be confusing knowing when you should consecrate the relationship. I am still not sure if he and I are on the same page on where we want this "relationship" to lead and that is another thing I am keeping in mind concerning when we will have sex. He keeps coming back even though he knows that he will be waiting, so I tend to think he may be looking for more than just sex. You have to go with your gut. If you feel it is the right time...go for it. You are never going to be 100% sure.
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