NoIDidn't Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 These two things seem to generate the most rationalizations on the part of the OPs dealing with them. Advised to leave the A? Well, he'll just cheat again because he's done it before. Advised after a d-day for NC? Well, what's the point, he'll be back, just like after all the other d-days. Do these two things seem to spell more hope for an OP that the MP might just "need a little more time" (or therapy, according to some) to leave the M?
jj33 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) NID interesting question. I think there are two things at work here. Id say that it depends on what the AP wants but in most cases they seem to be hoping the WS will leave. I can only say from personal experience, people arent done until they are done. You can tell someone not to hang on to hope but they do until they dont anymore. And in the meantime, Im not sure anything anyone says really makes a difference. There was no Dday in my A but he had previous As which I naively took to mean that he was done. I still believe he is done on many levels he just isnt leaving. He stays not out of love for his W but because its so easy to stay with carte blanche to do as he pleases (including having mistresses) Edited May 30, 2010 by jj33
RainDown Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 These two things seem to generate the most rationalizations on the part of the OPs dealing with them. Advised to leave the A? Well, he'll just cheat again because he's done it before. Advised after a d-day for NC? Well, what's the point, he'll be back, just like after all the other d-days. Do these two things seem to spell more hope for an OP that the MP might just "need a little more time" (or therapy, according to some) to leave the M? If he has had previous affairs and multiple DDays and he is still with his wife, why should "more time" make any difference? He has established a pattern of cheating, getting caught, then staying in his marriage. Most likely he will continue having affairs, continue getting caught, and continuing to stay in his marriage. How can an OP see things any differently for her? Likely she's just one in a string of many that will go to the wayside like all before her. Why should she be any different than all who have gone before?
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 If he has had previous affairs and multiple DDays and he is still with his wife, why should "more time" make any difference? He has established a pattern of cheating, getting caught, then staying in his marriage. Most likely he will continue having affairs, continue getting caught, and continuing to stay in his marriage. How can an OP see things any differently for her? Likely she's just one in a string of many that will go to the wayside like all before her. Why should she be any different than all who have gone before? The bolded is the question. It seems that many OW think that the previous indiscretions up the odds in their favor.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Author Posted June 4, 2010 NID interesting question. I think there are two things at work here. Id say that it depends on what the AP wants but in most cases they seem to be hoping the WS will leave. I can only say from personal experience, people arent done until they are done. You can tell someone not to hang on to hope but they do until they dont anymore. And in the meantime, Im not sure anything anyone says really makes a difference. There was no Dday in my A but he had previous As which I naively took to mean that he was done. I still believe he is done on many levels he just isnt leaving. He stays not out of love for his W but because its so easy to stay with carte blanche to do as he pleases (including having mistresses) Well, interesting answer, jj33. The bolded part interests me the most because it seems like the default belief of most OWs. And the following bolded assumption that's made after that default belief isn't validated. (Sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you or your answer, I'm really not trying to) I totally believe and accept that people aren't done until they are...done. So I don't understand the belief that if a spouse cheated before, or if they keep slinking back after several D-days that it means "any day now". I just figure they are cheaters and will just cheat, not that they are ever going to leave.
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