Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 A good buddy of mine is in his early 30s with no sexual experience. He's had some relationships. He tells me that women looking for LTRs turn him down repeately because of his inexperience even thought they themselves have only had a few partners. The response when given is they don't want to train him. There have been women with many sexual partners but not looking for an LTR that would like like to have a fling with him which would get him the experience. He says no to them. Is this trend typical? How do I convince my buddy to change his thinking and start with the woman with many sexual partners?
crimsonmike Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Here's a non PC answer to give. Tell him to lie. If you know what ur doin, help him out.
Cracker Jack Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 He should probably start going for the flings. It'll allow him to gain experience, so when he meets the right woman, everything will fall into place. But seriously, he could either do that, or continue to search for a woman that doesn't hold sexual experience as a must at the top of her list. And yes, the trend is typical.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Here's a non PC answer to give. Tell him to lie. If you know what ur doin, help him out. I tell him lie lie lie, but he won't do it and says she will find out anyway. He makes a good salary, is decent looking and lives in one of the best areas of the city. In short, he's a a catch on paper. He doesn't understand that much of the mating process is counterintuitive. How do I convince him?
legallyblonde289 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I tell him lie lie lie, but he won't do it and says she will find out anyway. He makes a good salary, is decent looking and lives in one of the best areas of the city. In short, he's a a catch on paper. He doesn't understand that much of the mating process is counterintuitive. How do I convince him? she will find out anyway after they have sex. as a woman you know if you've had sex with a virgin if they dont know what they're doing or finish in 20 seconds. also there's the chance his nerves will get the best of him and he might experience "technical difficulties".
brainygirl Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 I don't think you can convince him. He has certain values he wants to stick to in his pursuit and I think as his friend you should respect that. But I would encourage him to downplay his lack of experience. And have him read some women's romance/porns to get some ideas of what women enjoy and like.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 she will find out anyway after they have sex. as a woman you know if you've had sex with a virgin if they dont know what they're doing or finish in 20 seconds. also there's the chance his nerves will get the best of him and he might experience "technical difficulties". Obviously she will find out if he hasn't already told her. Should he go on a fling to get the necessary experience and my oh my, how do I convince him?
Stockalone Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 How do I convince my buddy to change his thinking and start with the woman with many sexual partners? I don't think that there is anything you can do. If he is 30+ and has his life in order, he would have had a fling by now if that is something he would be interested in. It seems that he is doing what he believes to be right. If he is also the stubborn type, he won't change what he is doing.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 Obviously she will find out if he hasn't already told her. Should he go on a fling to get the necessary experience and my oh my, how do I convince him? i think he should establish a deeper connection with the woman he wants to date before telling her. if i was really into someone i dont that would stop me from continuing with the relationship (i'd try to look at it like i can train him to do things how i like it) but at the same time if i knew he was a virgin from the outset i might be more hesitant from getting involved in the first place.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 I don't think you can convince him. He has certain values he wants to stick to in his pursuit and I think as his friend you should respect that. But I would encourage him to downplay his lack of experience. And have him read some women's romance/porns to get some ideas of what women enjoy and like. No way? I've failed so far to convince him. I don't want to see my buddy alone and bitter in 20 years. Good advice with the romance novels. I and another buddy have already given him some romance novels. He even read them.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) I don't think that there is anything you can do. If he is 30+ and has his life in order, he would have had a fling by now if that is something he would be interested in. It seems that he is doing what he believes to be right. If he is also the stubborn type, he won't change what he is doing. He's generally not stubborn. Except on this issue. A few of us are pulling our hair trying to convince him. Edited May 30, 2010 by Dragon1
brainygirl Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 No way? I've failed so far to convince him. I don't want to see my buddy alone and bitter in 20 years. Good advice with the romance novels. I and another buddy have already given him some romance novels. He even read them. Look, the fact that he's had relationships tells me he has social skills. The fact he hasn't had sex tells me he either has confidence issues or is very conservative. Just from what you've said, he doesn't sound undatable to me, so don't worry about him being alone in 20 years. And, its ultimately his life, wouldn't you feel bad if you talked him into doing someting he didn't feel right about and he ended up hurt or full of regret?
Stockalone Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 He's generally not stubborn. Except on this issue. A few of us are pulling out hair trying to convince him. Well, nobody was able to convince me to have a fling. But I think it depends on why your friend is against it. If it is a matter of principle for him and he doesn't want to do it, then he won't do it, no matter what you tell him. In fact, you might achieve the opposite. The more people tried to tell me about the advantages of having flings, it only reinforced my view on the matter.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 Look, the fact that he's had relationships tells me he has social skills. The fact he hasn't had sex tells me he either has confidence issues or is very conservative. Just from what you've said, he doesn't sound undatable to me, so don't worry about him being alone in 20 years. And, its ultimately his life, wouldn't you feel bad if you talked him into doing someting he didn't feel right about and he ended up hurt or full of regret? He's had a total of three relationships. The longest was two months. All three women broke his heart. His social skills are so so at best. He's let so many opportunities fall through the cracks. Let's cut to the chase. Most women will drop him like a hot potato if they find out about his inexperience. Would you? I can tell you he would be devestated to be 51 and still have no sexual experience. I've known him for over half his life.
Stockalone Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 He's had a total of three relationships. The longest was two months. All three women broke his heart. His social skills are so so at best. He's let so many opportunities fall through the cracks. I actually believe that the lack of relationship experience is what the women notice and don't want to deal with. Granted, they probably don't want to train a guy in the bedroom either, but if they think that he has no idea how to be a "proper" bf (being part of a couple), that really seems to be the huge issue. And having flings won't help him with that. I am afraid that most women will be afraid of having to be a nanny/mommy in addition to being his gf, that's a tough sell.
brainygirl Posted May 30, 2010 Posted May 30, 2010 He's had a total of three relationships. The longest was two months. All three women broke his heart. His social skills are so so at best. He's let so many opportunities fall through the cracks. Let's cut to the chase. Most women will drop him like a hot potato if they find out about his inexperience. Would you? I can tell you he would be devestated to be 51 and still have no sexual experience. I've known him for over half his life. I might pause a bit. And its because I wonder about his maturity. Is he an overgrown boy in a child's body? Does he not know how to treat people? Does he move from just dating to "we're getting married" super fast and scare women off? If I were his friend I would advise him to develop a non-disclosure policy about his past. I have a similar policy just because I don't think talking about ex's and comparing "numbers" is constructive in a relationship. Tell him NOT TO MENTION his relationship past, just that yes he's had girlfriends and it didn't work out. That isn't a lie. Tell him to say something along the lines of 'I'd rather focus on the future than the past' if a date brings it up. And for cripes sake, don't let him mention any of this on an online dating profile.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 I actually believe that the lack of relationship experience is what the women notice and don't want to deal with. Granted, they probably don't want to train a guy in the bedroom either, but if they think that he has no idea how to be a "proper" bf (being part of a couple), that really seems to be the huge issue. And having flings won't help him with that. I am afraid that most women will be afraid of having to be a nanny/mommy in addition to being his gf, that's a tough sell. It is a tough sell. Is there any way out for him? His confidence was shaken badly after his last breakup.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 30, 2010 Author Posted May 30, 2010 (edited) I might pause a bit. And its because I wonder about his maturity. Is he an overgrown boy in a child's body? Does he not know how to treat people? Does he move from just dating to "we're getting married" super fast and scare women off? If I were his friend I would advise him to develop a non-disclosure policy about his past. I have a similar policy just because I don't think talking about ex's and comparing "numbers" is constructive in a relationship. Tell him NOT TO MENTION his relationship past, just that yes he's had girlfriends and it didn't work out. That isn't a lie. Tell him to say something along the lines of 'I'd rather focus on the future than the past' if a date brings it up. And for cripes sake, don't let him mention any of this on an online dating profile. He treats people well, but sometimes too well. He doesn't grasp the concept that you can treat someone too well. He sometimes says things he shouldn't such as "I love you too" early. He mentioned the word marriage on a fourth date once for example which obviously scared her away. He can be too available and can overcompliment somewhat. He spends too much too soon with some of them. These things add up to disaster. Most of time, he lasts no more than two dates. Two of the three exes asked about relationship and sexual history and he gave way too many details. He's a really great catch having known him so long, but he can't fan those relationship flames. Things don't look promising for him though. I don't know what to tell him. Most of this either came naturally or was learned in high school and college for most of my buddies and I. Edited May 30, 2010 by Dragon1
lov3_5pell Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Wow. I would love to get to know this guy. Seriously, maybe I'm weird, but I think guys who are still virgins are hot (I'm still a virgin), because why? They are waiting for the right one. That's hot. If the girl he's interested in can't accept that, then maybe she's just not worth it.
brainygirl Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 He treats people well, but sometimes too well. He doesn't grasp the concept that you can treat someone too well. He sometimes says things he shouldn't such as "I love you too" early. He mentioned the word marriage on a fourth date once for example which obviously scared her away. He can be too available and can overcompliment somewhat. He spends too much too soon with some of them. These things add up to disaster. Most of time, he lasts no more than two dates. Two of the three exes asked about relationship and sexual history and he gave way too many details. He's a really great catch having known him so long, but he can't fan those relationship flames. Things don't look promising for him though. I don't know what to tell him. Most of this either came naturally or was learned in high school and college for most of my buddies and I. Probably the best thing he can do is date casually for a while. Date a girl a time, or two and move on. He needs to be actively paying attention to what works and what doesn't and learning from the experience. If he's capable of learning from the experience of dating, and willing to date casually (not flings or one night stands), AND keeping his past to him self, he should end up ok.
Author Dragon1 Posted May 31, 2010 Author Posted May 31, 2010 Probably the best thing he can do is date casually for a while. Date a girl a time, or two and move on. He needs to be actively paying attention to what works and what doesn't and learning from the experience. If he's capable of learning from the experience of dating, and willing to date casually (not flings or one night stands), AND keeping his past to him self, he should end up ok. I'll let him know. These items are trivial for most his age, but he's going to have to work at them.
TheWatcher Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 Two of the three exes asked about relationship and sexual history and he gave way too many details. He's a really great catch having known him so long, but he can't fan those relationship flames. Things don't look promising for him though. I don't know what to tell him. I'm in a situation that's similar to your friend's.Like him I'm in my 30's (38) and have no experience with women(relationship or otherwise). Usually when a guy is 30+ and is still a virgin its due to confidence or self-esteem issues.However this guy has had relationships;And I'm assuming that he approached/initiated contact with these women.So he has something to build on there. If he ever becomes intimate with a woman he can fake his way through if he educates himself prior to anything taking place.However,if he is like me and has never kissed a woman...It will be obvious (after the first kiss) that he's inexperienced.
crimsonmike Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 she will find out anyway after they have sex. as a woman you know if you've had sex with a virgin if they dont know what they're doing or finish in 20 seconds. also there's the chance his nerves will get the best of him and he might experience "technical difficulties". All due respect, no you don't. You women aren't near the mind readers you think you are.
crimsonmike Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 He sometimes says things he shouldn't such as "I love you too" early. He mentioned the word marriage on a fourth date once for example which obviously scared her away. He can be too available and can overcompliment somewhat. He spends too much too soon with some of them. Dude.......this sounds like the bigger problem to me. Tell him to keep his mouth shut about sht like that! That would send a man running for the door faster than a woman!
legallyblonde289 Posted May 31, 2010 Posted May 31, 2010 All due respect, no you don't. You women aren't near the mind readers you think you are. i never said anything about reading minds. i said it is likely the woman would be able to tell from him not really knowing what he's doing, finishing extremely quickly or becoming so nervous that he has technical difficulties. im talking about physical manifestations here, not reading minds.
Recommended Posts